Leaderboard

I'm definitely not a newer SP, but I feel a bit like the OP is trying to pull a fast one, defining the choice as between being willing to compromise on rates to keep a nice regular, and being a cold, calculating woman fixed only on the bottom line. That's a false choice. The fact is, there are plenty of really decent, enjoyable men out there who are willing and able to pay our rates. Ending up with a bunch of cheap regulars will only stress an SP out and is more likely to lead her into situations in which she rushes people or her quality of service suffers. And please don't make it sound like this is somehow easier for someone who doesn't need the money or who hasn't set goals for making a certain amount. I'm just such an SP. I've never been a go-getter. Other than keeping myself in jump money (which I don't even need anymore), I was never the type that had a list of expensive things to acquire. But that doesn't mean that I would ever be willing to spend more time with someone for less money just to see them more often. Because a woman like me isn't in the business to make lots of money, but to have lots of time. Suggesting she give you more for less is a bit like the guy who wants to pay you with cocaine and do it with you during the session. (And believe it or not, I've received that offer too many times over the years. :( )

I sustain myself on retainer guests, I seldom advertise but when I do it's because I'm seeking just a couple of those who want something long term. I will meet 100 guests to find 2 or 3 that "fit". I enjoy meeting new guests but in reality the vast majority of hobbyists are not good candidates for something long term and are very seldom "take it to the bank" reliable even if the price is right. I understand what the OP is saying but rest assured, so many guests come in singing the "I'll be here twice a month if you work with me on the rate" and when you do, they don't follow thru because what they are doing is simply hustling a deal for the moment. Been there, done that; got the t-shirt, burned it, took a shower and won't do it again. Now, if a client wants to renegotiate my rate then we look at the triad. Time, service, money. If they want a more reasonable rate, then they either have to sacrifice on time/service ratio OR prepay for set number of sessions to lock in the discount. This way, I know he's coming back. The "we click so therefore financials take a back seat" doesn't pay the bills. I'm low volume, I offer extraordinary service in the lap of luxury and if I had a dollar for every man who "promised" to be a good client I could by a new Volvo. A girl can't take promises to the bank. If a guest wants to have the discussion of keeping the service affordable for the long run with me then he will have to make a commitment that is more than lip service. If he's willing to show that he's serious, then I doubt any provider worthy of her fishnets would decline... cat

I personally am a firm believer in Quality over Quantity. I tour full time, don't have a base city that I work from and I fully value the company of those I have previously spent time with. I am NOT high volume and make the most out of a few quality dates in the cities I tour too. I have an extensive screening process which allows me to get to know any potential new date very well prior to meeting. This helps to ensure we are a great fit for one another and that our time spent will be memorable. To some ladies, it is an in and out experience, to others it is creating an opportunity to expand on future company with the said gentleman. To each their own as there is always something for for everyone, it is just finding what is the best fit for what you are seeking. Let's face a few facts here regarding your questions, Everyone works for whatever their job is for the money, some enjoy their job more than others and for others it is just a means to pay the bills. This is true in any occupation, as well not all high volume ladies have a bad attitude or service, keep in mind it is what works for them. In a day in age where men seem to like to barter or low ball (things that were rarely heard of 4 years ago) as well as people asking for 15min dates, time that is not offered(ie 30mins) or a discount, what type of experience does one expect after devaluing another human being. Each lady runs her business how she see fit, and while the low volume option sounds great on a board thread, it may not pay her bills.

I have to admit that I'm with Pistol Pete on this one. Even when I was employed at a spa, I would rarely leave a gentlemen to undress or shower on his own. Since I've been indy, their has often been a trail of clothing from the entrance of my place, to my bedroom! Every time is always unique though and sometimes we can start on the couch chatting before I jump onto your lap, or perhaps in the kitchen, varying positions of me on the counter. :icon_lol: I've been told my local is quite posh, which makes it easy for anyone to feel comfortable once inside my incall... I think this is how I get away with being so close from the moment that we meet, without coming off as being to strong. Just being naked with someone, I feel, it the best way to get to know each other. So, unless requested, I always try take off my clothes ASAP.

To hear them tell it, this hobby is a simple exchange for services. Nothing more, and most certainly nothing less. It's a hard old world out there. The old timers tell me, there will be some who are just out to take your money. Try and bleed you dry at the slightest sign of weakness or vulnerability, and try and return as little as possible. I listen to the locker room bravado, a slight smile on my face. I guess I can consider myself an old timer too, after all these years. I think, not so much of their words, but of what path in this life has gotten them to this place. I wonder if they have been hurt. I wonder why their words are so bitter. Because to believe that that's all that makes up this world is to deny the existence of the magic that surrounds us every single moment. Yes, I believe that there are ladies who as the song says, will "steal your money and break your heart". But that's not the whole story, any more than saying that my little city is cold and snow covered perpetually and year-round, an overcast sky blocking the sun, heat and light from my little corner of the Canadian prairie. You see, I've often been the grateful recipient of unspeakable kindness and generosity. Ladies who have given their all to me, given much more than they had to. They gave their bodies to be sure, because that's the bargain. But they also cared more than they had to, shared a little more of their souls than was absolutely necessary. I can only wonder why when I get told that I'm so nice to them, because all I do is treat the ladies I see with respect. I just treat them like the human beings that they are. I try and keep that sense of wonder in this world. I try not to get frustrated, I try not to get bitter. I must confess, I don't always succeed the odd dark day. But for the most part, I still do. I still see the magic, the little miracles that are easy to overlook. Here is a case in point. I will soon meet a lady who is almost legendary. I've been following her for a long time, wondering what it would be like to meet her, what would happen once the doors closed behind us and we were all alone. I feel elated by the anticipation I feel, the excitement, the tingle every time I imagine her touch. I want to scream from the rooftops that we are meeting, I want to write and tell her how thrilled I am. But I don't. I don't want to brag that I'm going to be seeing her, because there's no point. Anyone else who is reasonably civil can get to meet her, and I know that there's been a long, long line before me who already have. And I'm not going to contact her, for no good reason. It's mostly because I don't want to distract her from her busy life, and also because I don't want her to think that I'm needy before we even are face to face. But it's also because I want to sustain that wonder just a little longer, hold that sweet anticipation. I close my eyes and imagine that first moment when we touch, of my lips brushing against hers. I can feel the delicate skin of the nape of her neck underneath my fingertips as the tip of my tongue touches hers. I dream of taking my time, my lips and fingers telegraphing their own wordless welcome as I slowly, deliberately undress her. I want to savor every moment, explore every little out of the way place on that exquisite body of hers. I want to make her gasp, as I stroke and kiss the parts that many others have overlooked in their haste to their own happy endings. I want to give. I long to see the delight in her eyes when she has her own release, because I know that there comes a point when my pleasure and her pleasure become indistinguishable. I know I'll see the gratitude in her eyes, and that makes me happy. Why do I bother? It's because I know what she knows, that all guys aren't out to get as much as they can. To get off, get out, leave nothing behind but their envelopes and a deflated glove. To have shared nothing of themselves. To slip out silently, without so much as a goodbye. I could do this, of course. But I won't. To deny that human contact, that gentle and caring touch, is to deny that there is anything more than those frantic moments before, during, and after that final release. It's to deny that there is any emotion in this odd little hobby of mine. It's to deny that there are other sensual pleasures that are out there, to be savored, other than that most obvious one. But ultimately, it's denying our humanity itself. And I don't want to do that.

Maybe I'm just dumb, don't know. But to me a lady's rate is a lady's rate, not to be haggled over AT ALL!!! whether you are seeing the lady for the first time or the hundredth time. The reward of being a regular client with a lady is the special connection that can develop between the two of you. Guys shouldn't be looking for discounts in my opinion from a lady. A discounted rate means the lady has less money coming in and she has bills to pay too. From the lady's perspective why would she want a regular client if it meant she got less money for seeing a regular, she'd be further ahead to just see new clients This is a wonderful lifestyle, but it is a luxury lifestyle too, if you can't afford to see a lady, then don't contact her and haggle. But like I said, maybe I'm just dumb and don't get it A rambling RG

I enjoy seeing the ladies that I meet. Yes I have met a couple of ladies where the encounters are less SP/Client and more two friends getting together. But even in those encounters as with all encounters, I never forget, at it's very core, it still is a business transaction and for the lady it is her livelihood. I have never asked for, nor would I accept a discount if it was ever offered. In fact if a discount forced on me (not hardly likely or expected btw) all the lady would get is a much higher tip to offset the discount...for me I'm looking for, and appreciate the quality time I have with a lady. This lifestyle isn't about discounts. My experience generally speaking with the ladies I have met, isn't that they are just looking for money/time. Yes they do want to be compensated for their time, it is their livelihood after all. But they want to provide me with an escape, a memory, and hopefully a connection. And the escapes provided have a value far exceeding the donation asked for. I haven't experienced a money/time attitude from these ladies. I have experienced escapes, ladies who treat me with the same respect as much as I do them A rambling RG

I have to agree with what the wonderful ladies here have already said. At the end of the day this is some girls only way of financial success, and it is a job. One that many of us love and enjoy doing but it is still a job. As much as I love seeing regulars I expect that every once in awhile they would like to try a different flavor so to speak.... And I enjoy the excitement and thrill of meeting and enjoying the company of a new guest as well. Now say you see a girl and spend X amount when you go see them... they are you #1 Ultimate experience and say she gives you a break in her fee, because you see her often and you both enjoy each other.... How would that make her feel to know that your willing to shell out more money to see someone that is her direct competition??? Do you think she would feel valued??? or should you be punished because 9 out of 10 times you like Vanilla but every once in a while you want to try Chocolate or strawberry??? Asking or expecting a discount because you both enjoy each other can lead to hard feelings and sometimes more than what this business is...... Just my take on it. Kisses All xox

It's Saturday, back after a long week... yeah it's time for some kinky fun. What kind of kink do I do? Try me. I used to do fetish modelling- nothing you say is going to shock me. I've had the pleasure of fulfilling so many of my own fantasies...I'm addicted to exploring all those taboo things you're nervous to admit. I'm really easy to talk to, I excel and getting you comfortable and I take pride in what I do. A little about me: -22 years old - petite, 5'2, 115lb - 32DD natural breasts - slim waist and fit - dark hair that cascades down my back Take a quick peek at my albums to get a little taste! Rates - GFE 250$/hr Stripper 280$/hr Kink 300+/hr Give me a shout or send me a text at 613-415-5533 check out my **NEW** pictures and my NEW recommendations!

Haggling isn't something that should happen but it undeniably does. I am speaking to true negotiating where both sides are committed to reaching an agreement that works for both of us. Because I don't tour and I have a 2 hour minimum that often will put me out of reach for local hobbyists to see regularly, a retainer is a happy medium. They aren't able to hide $800 a month to see me every two weeks because their monthly budget is $500. Am I willing to walk away from that $6000/year if the guest is a perfect fit for me in every other way? No, I'm not because finding a good fit isn't easy for me. I set my retainer rate, they don't and I will gladly tailor it to fit both our needs. They aren't haggling my rate if they are willing to make a long term commitment to doing business with me and pay up front for the privilege of a retainer rate; it's a genuine negotiation. Give me a dozen retainer guests over 100 full fee "sometimes when they feel like it guys" any day... As it's been said, every provider has her preferred business model. My niche is catering to retainer clients who prefer long term arrangements. Keeps my profile low, my income steady and my job satisfaction level high. Win/win in my opinion and has nothing to do with haggling... cat

I do find stating a "Walmart for everyone" rather undiplomatic. In my opinion that describes a rather cheap way of doing business. I doubt this is not so in many SP's eyes. Some are high volume and some are not. This does not make the SP a big box store rather than a boutique. This is not a flame to your post Hands On by any means, but rather a clarification on my feeling of using such a term. Everybody does business differently. And yes, I have grandfathered in some of my Regulars. Does this make me Walmart? It does not. It is my choice to do so. Not because I want them back, I already have them. My choice is to be low volume and establish a regular clientele. I prefer to spend time repeatedly with the same Gent. For me this is satisfying for both and we can explore further what each likes and wants. Yes I enjoy seeing new Gents, simply because of the thrill. It does in no way diminish the quality time of my regular clients as they are my sweeties. However I do not grandfather lightly. By seeing me weekly/monthly/whatever does not guarantee this will happen. There has to be communication, trust and chemistry. Time is really not important with me. Although if I feel you are taking advantage of that I will note the time. I know when an hour is up. I don't need to check the time, and if I am over by some minutes, so what. I will admit to losing time if I am with 2 or more others though and usually have to be reminded. lol Bottom line, my fee is for my time, and not negotiable.

I am posting this here, as I couldn't seem to get the recommendations to work...strange.. Anyway, I just saw Megan (aka Cute0aza0button), and OMG! She was amazing. Open menu, very accommodating, extremely beautiful, and excellent technique. After working up a sweat, we chatted and she has a great personality What a lovely woman and total package. She's the kinda girl that makes you wish she was really your girlfriend. I would marry her, she is that amazing.

It was just a fabulous day here in Halifax, sunny and warm like July and I had the best BBQ of the season tonight with the last tomatoes from my garden.

For all you music enthusiasts, tell me, who is your favourite guitarist? For me, I have been playing guitar for over 20 years and have drawn on inspiration from quite a few guitar players that have left quite an impression on me. Just like everyone else, I do go through certain phases where I'm totally obsessed with a certain band for a certain period, but it's usually one of my favourite bands anyways. It is so hard for me to pick just one guitar player, but here are the top five guitar players in my books: 1) Randy Rhoads (Ozzy Osbourne): Total genious and amazing classical guitarist as well. Taken too soon from us. 2) David Gilmour (Pink Floyd): The Wall, Comfortably Numb, nuff said? 3) Matthias Jabs (Scorpions): Totally under-rated and often forgotten. 4) Kurt Cobain (Nirvana): While he wasn't the most talented player, he did come up with a ton of amazing riffs and rythyms. 5) Don Felder (Eagles): Two words...Hotel California

Well that was fun.......not! Had more fluid drained out of me than back, to back, to back and back again blow jobs!! Feel like I slept with an ugly cactus, and look like it as well! Will get some results today before I leave at noon, the rest by the end of the week. Same sort of timing we get with the Ontario health system right? Going to Greek Town in Detroit to watch the Lions play, eat and drink the rest of the day and crawl onto Air Chance, I mean Air Canada to Toronto, until the end of the week. Thanx again all for your support, it is really appreciated. Tom The Liquor

Predictions will be tough this season because the lockout messed with just about everyone last season. Some teams got into the playoffs who wouldn't normally, and others missed out who were turning the corner but ran out of time to make up the distance. Toss in the new divisional alignment and the possible complications of the Olympic break and the whole thing is a toss up. One prediction I'm fairly confident in though, is that I will not win my hockey pool. Again.

saskatoon blades , junior hockey is king on the prairies . nhl it would be the oilers . my prediction , crosby will be checked legally and whine about it .

Hello Gentlemen.. My name is Mandy! I have green eyes, long blonde hair, and a naturally fit body...I am a classy girl, and I take care of myself very well. I've been working in the massage industry for 6 months now... My services include sexy body slides, full body massage, reverse massage and lap dances if requested!... I am very easy to talk to and have a great personality... So why not come enjoy my beautiful behind, tight body and 36C natural breasts, you will be sure to leave with a smile :icon_razz: Feel free to check out my profile! You can find me at Paradise Spa, conveniently located in the west end of Ottawa... It is an upscale, classy and discreet spa!... Rooms include large mirrors, music, and black lights to intensify your sensual experience... In calls only please Schedule September 24th - September 29th Saturday 3:30-9pm XOOOXOOOX

You know all those socks that mysteriously disappear? Well, here is a new dilemma for you....window cranks! I have 12 windows that open and can only find 4 cranks! Sucks on a beautiful day like this cause I wanna open all the windows but have to run around with the one crank I unscrewed! Later, when it gets cooler I am really gonna be pissed!

I like to leave it to my visitor. ... I will greet acompany the gentleman to the room,offer a shower before so that they can freshen up... at that point some gentlemen would ask me to join them for the shower or they will just take ut on their own.... Sometimes gentlemen want me to help them undress and start all the fun and sometimes they rather do it on their own, in those cases I leave the room and let the gentlemen get comfortable To me it does nit really matter , my goal is always to make the visit comfortable and enjoyable to the other person.. if my visitor is comfortable I will be comfortable and will make for a goid experience foe both :)

I had the unfortunate experience of falling for a bait and switch. Long time member here and have never done a post like this, but feel I should warn others. Pics and age are not real. Without going Into details. I just want to make everyone aware that the person is misrepresenting herself and unfortunately many people(myself included) fell for the old bait and switch.

Good evening All! First a heartfelt THANK YOU to all of you who have shouted out in support, offered up prayers and good wishes over the last week and a half. I really really appreciate it! Just confirmed today that I am going to be evaluated at the University of Michigan, who has a cancer research facility beside "The Big House" their 110,000 seat football stadium. Good thing I am already a fan of the Wolverines! They are going to look at why the cancer cells are attacking the muscle structure and then discuss the situation with the folks at both Princess Margaret in Toronto and QCH here to determine next steps. So leaving for UofM on Friday! Back next Tuesday. Thanx again all. Tom TheLiquor

Some final thoughts, now that the dust has settled and that i had time to relax a bit !! I want to thank Loneskater and Spud for their help in my organizing this social. It was an amazing experience organizing it, and comments we received in person, on this thread and in private were all positive. We've noted a few things to improve upon, as there's always room for improvement. Loneskater and I have had a chance to chat, and i can speak on his behalf here on the fact that both of us will be involved in organizing the December social. I want to provide forward notice that the next one will be on December 12th, but please wait until the official thread is started in a few weeks to contact us (messages sent concerning it will be unanswered), as we want to take a bit of time off to recover lol !!! Cheers!!

... And What Are Your Predictions For The Upcoming Season? My self, I have always been a habs (Montreal) Fan. Sweet Kisses xo

1. Jimi Hendrix 2. Jimmy Page 3. Eric Clapton 4. Chuck Berry 5. Pete Townshend Honorable Mentions: Keith Richards, Robert Cray, Robbie Robertson

I am surprised nobody has mentioned Mark Knofler yet. Or to go out of present memory, someone like Django Rheinhardt or Les Paul.

Having a base clientele is a lot better than having to look for new clientele.., but as in any other business even regular clients move around, they come and go and is reality.., sometimes in a temporary basis and sometimes permanently for different reasons. .. so we as MAs or SPs have to be open to meeting new people.. we all have a financial goal to reach.., because we want that extra money or because is how we pay our bills... every case is different like Emily said we all work to make money no matter what kind of job it is.., and also as it has been discussed in other threads. .. even if you like your job a lot... would you go and work for less money or for free a few days a month. .. sacrificing your own spare time that you wouks normally spent with your friends or family?

High Class Nice Ass Hot Style Sexy Smile Luscious Thighs Bedroom Eyes Tempting Lips Killer Kiss Oh Baby, Can you Handle This My name is Tiffany. I am 5'11" tall, Athletic Build with blond hair, hazel bedroom eyes, and a smile that will drive you crazy!! I believe in the simple pleasures of life, and love sensual experiences!! From the moment I walk into a room with you, you will feel the connection between us. From the first soft flirty move I make to a finish that will leave you weak in the knees, you will be thanking yourself for spending time with me! You will always leave my room felling relaxed and with a smile on your face!! [/url] Come and Experience the Sensational and Erotic twist of a NURU Massage Contact Me Text me at 613-277-4328, Call the Spa at613-274-7073 or PM Me To Ensure My Availability! Schedule Sunday September 29th: 10:00am - 9:00pm **Monday September 30th: 10:00am - 4:00pm** **Thursday October 3rd: 10:00am - 4:00pm** Friday October 4th: 5:00pm - 11:00pm Sunday October 6th: 10:00am - 9:00pm ** Last Available Weekday Day Shifts** Exclusively at Angel's Touch Massage 65 Bentley Ave. 613-274-7073 See More of My Pics Here http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/album.php?u=76755 What others have to say about time spent with me http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=111731 Sexy isn't always about boobs or butts, It's the way you Walk, The way you Talk, and The way you Think.

Yeah that doesn't sound like her...she's never been anything but professional with me. Maybe try back with her, she might have a legit reason. I promise if you do get a chance to see her it will be worth it!

Les Habitants

Three strip loin steaks and 6 of the last valley corn.

I like Lexy Grace because I've heard so many nice things about her. She speaks her mind on subjects she is passionate about and a valued member of the CERB community. I like Thumper because he is a bit of a rogue and goes his own way!

I like Angela because she has a serious eye for detail. When we first met we never even saw each others faces but as I recall her exact or close to what she said was "Lexy??" I turned around, said "Angela??" and she said "I knew it was you just by that ass lol". We had a good laugh, one of my best times meeting another lady. Big Hugs Angela, Lexy Edited: Katherine beat me to it. I like Katherine because when we first met, when spent a great gal pal night with wine, yoga pants and just being us. It was a nice fun night. Hugs, Lexy Katherine he was a good sport LMAO!! I get him as a driver all the time and said at least we had fun and were one of the smart ones to call a taxi. He's such a sweetheart and said to say hello!! He's awesome and such a gentleman.

I like emiafish for his positive contributions to this community Not to mention his original name, which is gutsy to post when there is a fisherman or two here on CERB ;-) RG

Come get naughty with an angel. Working at Ottawa's most upscale spa in the west end of Ottawa. I'm 5'7, athletic build, perky B36 bust, angelic blue eyes, long dark hair, seductive lips, golden tan, open minded, 100% natural beauty, fun & comfortable to be with... Services: Full Erotic body massage Reverse massage Slippery wet body slides Reverse body slides Hot tub for more intimate session Showers for 2 Fresh towels & linens Duos ATM Cater to fetishes, just ask... Call or text today to book your appointment with me today at 613-316-1412.

Sexy, Sensual, Sexual, Seductive, Erotic Massages... I love giving massages while being sexual and sensual. Seducing you is what I LOVE to do! I do it sooo good I'll make sure to keep you coming back for more! Specials with Marvelous Marlie on Request! Come Find Out How Marvelously Ass-tonishing we are together Availability: SATURDAY Sept 28, 10-9pm SUNDAY, Sept 29, 10-9pm My sexy recommendations... worth taking a look http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=79946 Regular Room spacious and in room shower Single Massage: ......--30 minutes $50. ......--45 minutes on special for $60. ......--60 minutes $80 ......HST included in ALL ROOM PRICES...... ...-Tips Not Included...- Call 613-274- 7073 to book an Appointment or PM for more information XOX Jennie

This is a great question ElanRacer and depending on where you visit, it may vary. As Tiffany mentions, when you visit a spa the MA will show you to your room, have a friendly conversation, and leave you for a moment to get comfortable and settled in. With an independent or all inclusive spa the MA is with you for everything as Pete mentioned above. It all varies depending on what you are most comfortable with and please don't be shy to just ask your MA.

I want the whole erotic encounter, stripping together shedding off clothes and throwing them around while she may do a strip tease for me or we strip each other and take off each piece of clothing together and carefully hang up our clothes ;) after the stripping and searching :) Off to the shower together, than I like to massage her, and she can massage me. Come to think of it.... I can't remember the last time I got undressed and waited naked on the table.

A wee bit nervous about what the folks at UoM will say. However I am told these "egg heads" are brilliant, so as they said in WW1, "trust in God but pass the ammunition"! Going to beat this one way or another. Hmmmm, wonder if Big Blue is playing football today, maybe I can grab some tailgating (or tail) before my noon check in??? Thanx again for all your support! Tom theliquor

Great doggy news, and a promise of a slutty story... http://thetattooedcat.blogspot.ca/

Going to a website yesterday and seeing that Donna Douglas just turned 80. Who is Donna Douglas, you ask? Elly Mae Clampett from the Beverly Hillbillies. Beautiful HOT Elly Mae Clampett who wore short shorts and had big bazooms and curly blonde hair and inspired many a young boner when this Old Dog was a pup.

She's a bait and switch

...but this is my fave: http://www.mcgeesinn.com/ "located in downtown Ottawa in the heritage area of Sandy Hill. Abundant in Victorian charm, our B&B offers its travellers all the modern conveniences. Choose from one of our standard air conditioned rooms each with a private bathroom, to one of our bridal suites, each with a double Jacuzzi tub and fireplace. Full breakfast is complimentary. For business travel or for a romantic get-away," You can get one of the bridal suites and roleplay newlyweds! ;) (lol If that isn't a turn-off for you.) :D Enjoy!

I think men sometimes forget that paid or not paid..we are still women. I strongly believe that we should still be treated as such..as we look at this as a job and not a life style. Thank you for writing this I loved reading it lol

32. You don't bring me flowers... You have met, once again, with the uber lovely Anita Dickens-Hyde. And once again, she lived up to her name. You are sore. If you were a lispy Viking you would be Thor, but that would be sacrilegious to the Odin. Your knees are weak. Your tongue is swollen. Your hips feel like the tin man before he got oiled. You need to hydrate. Anita Dickens-Hyde (honestly, do you get the name??? It's frickin' brilliant) merits more than the envelope full of your shekels... and the gift card from Magic Walid's House of Middle Eastern Cheese. You need to express your affection. You need to express your undying fealty. You need to re-book as soon as possible but you also need to regain strength. What to do... WHAT. TO. DO??? Inspiration. A Eureka moment. If you had a personal soundtrack, a choir of angels would be bellowing out that epiphany sound. You know where she lives... you will send FLOWERS. A dozen,no.... two dozen... no FOUR dozen long stemmed roses... special roses... like the ones picked by trained rose people. Ya... that's it. Ahem. Now you are scared. When the "ahem" sound goes off, it is usually followed by a series of THWACKS. Ahem = bad. THWACK = change thought process. Another epiphany. Maybe, just maybe, sending something to her house would be bad. Maybe, and you are going out on a limb here, maybe she doesn't live there alone. Maybe she lives there with a significant other. He could be a devoted partner, but hates flowers. He especially hates roses. Long stemmed roses may make him kill. AGAIN. He may have penis cootie power. Jeebus. Dead and penis cooties. That'd be awkward. You think, "Maybe I should ONLY give gifts to Anita Dickens-Hyde when I see her." Any spontaneous gifts sent to her home might seem a little, ummm... stalkerish... stalkeresque... stalkerinian. Okay, spontaneous gifts might give her the heeby jeebies. Heeby Jeebies are fatal to the client/provider relationship. Oooooooh, that'd be bad. She'd probably use her super powers and black list you. You'd have to sleep with... yikes. That really hot woman beside you. And by hot, I mean the sweating woman with a mean streak who has been experiencing menopause since she was 23 and who is now 56. Save yourself. Don't send creepy gifts. 33. More alternatives to bacon sandwiches. Ummmm... nope. Can't think of any. 34. The evidence. There is no delicate way to express this. Nope. No sugar coating it. You NEED to ask your provider where to put the one eyed one fingered love glove when you are done. Your latex wiener warmer can not be left willy nilly. Oh... and please. PLEASE. PLEASE!!! Don't flush it. Toilets are meant for other stuff. Like pee. And... um... poo. Sometimes barf. All of the things that toilets are designed to remove. Condoms are a non-soluble solid. They tend to get stuck. Bad things happen when condoms plug a toilet. It impedes the flow of regular toilet stuff from going down. If you flush a condom down the toilet, providers get mad. When they get mad they use super powers. When they use super powers, you get sick and die AND your estate will be billed for the plumber costs. Your family will wonder why you are getting a posthumous plumber's bill and will start to ask questions. They will surmise that you have been doing evil things in other people's toilets. Your soul will remain in limbo and you will surrounded by other uncaring condom flushing ghosts. You will be mocked for an eternity. Your name will be stricken from all family records. You will be a blight on your ancestry... and all because you flushed a condom. 35. I need it .... NOW. You sir, have a boner. You recognize this from the physical evidence and the fact that your mind is incapable of cognitive thought. What to do? Call a provider. YESSSSS. Call a provider. They can ... wait. They are not here now. You have a boner and the provider is not here. Ummmmmmmmm. You have cash. And a boner. You have cash and a boner and a bed. Perfect. Except. No provider. Jeeeeebus. They have super powers. They have super powers cuz Old Dog told me they have super powers. Teleportation... was that on the list???? Acccccck. No. No mention of teleportation. You begin to weep. Okay weeping is a bit too much. Sob. You are sobbing in a "man with a boner" way. Can you drive? Nope. Your boner will not interfere with shifting or steering BUT it will impede your ability to concentrate. Solution? Internet porn. Yup. That's it. Gotta do it. Kleenex. Lotion. Guilt. Gentlemen, planning is your best friend. Providers like a schedule and MAY be available on short notice BUT your best bet is to book well in advance of early onset boner. Planning will train your penis into becoming fiscally responsible. Planning will also train your penis as to the appropriate time to become erect. Inappropriate erections can make you lose friends, family and jobs. Planning can save your emotional well being. Your penis will thank you for it, in the way that penissiessisiisessis give thanks. ... more later....

Well, since we haven't heard from OD yet today, a contribution from me... 23. Face Pics So, you've done your research. You've stumbled across Alotta Fagina's albums, and had a good look. She has awesome abs, beautiful buttocks, heavenly hair, luscious legs, and tantalizing titties. But... there's no pics of her face! And she won't send you any, even though you asked soooo nicely! And now she's pissed at you for even asking! What's up with that? What's she hiding? Does she have especially luxuriant nose-hair? Could it be that Fagina is actually her married name, and she's actually Cyrano de Bergerac's less-good-looking sister? Perhaps she's a part-time clairvoyant, and all that stuff about the third eye isn't actually an over-used metaphor but IS REALLY TRUE? Nope. Sorry. Rest assured that Alotta takes just as much care of everything above the neck as all the things below there that you've already admired so much. But... perhaps she has another job somewhere, and doesn't want her colleagues knowing of her current occupation. Perhaps she might want some other career in the future, and would prefer that her dalliances with you not come up in an interview. Perhaps the rest of the extended Fagina clan would look upon her with jaundiced eye if they knew. Or perhaps some of her friends may be less than understanding. There are many good reasons why Alotta may find it prudent to maintain her public anonymity, for the moment. Perhaps she'll change her mind at some point; perhaps not. But that's her decision, to be made without pressure from you. And it's a BIG decision; once the cat's out of the bag, you never know where those pics are, or who's got them on a hard drive somewhere, or where they might re-surface at the most inopportune moment. So, please: respect her choice to remain somewhat anonymous. If you want to see her face, book a meeting and all will be revealed soon enough.