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I feel judged by this thread, which is making me slightly defensive. I apologize if that comes comes across in what I'm about to post. I didn't realize contacting clients and mentioning I'll be touring was considered wrong by some folks on CERB. I've contacted clients in the past to provide them with my schedule before setting up and advertising for a tour. The clients I've contacted have expressed an interest in seeing me again when I'm in town. Sometimes they're someone I've established a connection with and seen more than once, sometimes not. I disagree that it screams 'desperate for a booking'. It's just good business practice. I want to prioritize those I've met before and give them preferential treatment when deciding on when and if they would like to see me.

And what of the interests of the spa's owner, who loses the entire business if it's shut down by LE? What of all the other MAs who are suddenly out of a job through no fault of their own? What of the unfortunate client who, despite never having asked for or received anything more than a normal MA session, happened to be there when the place was raided? The MA at a spa who offers BJ/FS puts all these people at risk every time she does so, whether or not she stops for a moment to think about it. I have no doubt that the spa owners explain this to their MAs; I have equally little doubt that some MAs are more concerned with their own short-term financial gain than the long-term viability of the spa they work at. So an owner who can't control this is incompetent? I really don't get that. What controls do you think a competent owner should put in place? Do you want to be supervised during your massage? Would you prefer cameras in the rooms? If neither of these, what do you suggest?

Ya know what I think ... we all have different preferences and opinions. Till the day we all die. Now my opinion for the moment is................. Let's all drop our pants and hang a moon to the self righteous, inglorious bastards that shun the sex industry.....they sure as "fuck" don't know what they are missing ;) Then flip them the bird, raise our glasses for a "Cheers" to Cerb and sex and then shag like Armageddon is cummmmming sooooon .... Oh Behave. That a hijack ?

Of course she can contact me anytime.... phone....text....bbm....drop by the house....after all communication is important. But remember we need to consider my wife so: You are looking for Bond.... James Bond The code words for your in town is "Congratulations you have won a Cruise" to arrange a time to meet say "are you interested in a time share" if you leave a number to call back add one number to every digit of real number. if its about the Duo we were trying to setup just say "there are 3 options for the time share" Wait..... as I think about this.... maybe it would be best to not contact me unless we have set it up in advance. Additional Comments: Of course she can contact me anytime.... phone....text....bbm....drop by the house....after all communication is important. But remember we need to consider my wife so: You are looking for Bond.... James Bond The code words for your in town is "Congratulations you have won a Cruise" to arrange a time to meet say "are you interested in a time share" if you leave a number to call back add one number to every digit of real number. if its about the Duo we were trying to setup just say "there are 3 options for the time share" Wait..... as I think about this.... maybe it would be best to not contact me unless we have set it up in advance.

It really depends on the client and the SP, and the relationship between them. I'd consider an unsolicited communication from someone I'd never had any interaction with to be a bit out of order. But it's great to keep in touch with people I've seen before, and I love getting mails from them even if it's just to say hi. For the ladies who visit occasionally, it's great to know that they're coming to visit. It doesn't always mean I'll be able to see them, but at least there's a chance. The method of communication matters too. A PM here isn't the same as an email, which isn't the same as a text or a phone call. Different methods of communication may well be associated with different levels of discretion, or risk of discovery, or likelihood of being seen in a reasonable timeframe (you can text me if you like, but I won't see it until I next turn my phone on). Which method of communication is preferred will vary for different guys, too, just as it does for the ladies.

I would suggest the means of communication would be a big deciding factor. I think you would have had to have seen the provider previously, and expressed some kind of interest in seeing them again. Or, you have exchanged other communications and have some sort of relationship. In that case, I don't think that a quick "Hi I am in your town next week for three days, if you are interested." type PM on CERB would be out of line. If the person said contact me using another means, and let me know when you are in town, then using that means would not be out of line either. (hobby e-mail, text to safe phone, whatever) I see these as informational messages rather than being a form of soliciting. You are letting someone know of an unusual availability.

Snow, OK for a snowfall Dec 24th, and Dec 25th....then it can all go to hell Always worried that an encounter (one was) will get postponed because of a snowstorm...wouldn't want to travel in a storm Worse than the snow though, is when it gets bitter cold, especially combined with wind But even worse than that, freezing rain RG

Snow I don't mind. Truthfully. It is beautiful, brings great joy to children's faces. It is FUN. We adults can all act like kids again when the snow falls. Living in rural Newfoundland has taught me to appreciate snowshoeing, drinking tea outside in the woods while having a "boil up", skidooing, and just generally playing in the snow. You are NEVER too old to build a snowman or do snow angels :) Shovelling I don't even mind... I used to rather enjoy it growing up in Saskatchewan and trust me, we had our fair share of it there lol. I'm a bit spoiled here as we don't seem to get much. The occasional dump of snow but otherwise, it's fairly mild on the Avalon Peninsula. Let's face it - we are Canadian. Snow is part of who we are. The cold and lack of sunlight that is associated with snow? Now THAT I can do without. As someone who experiences seasonal affective disorder, I miss my sunshine very much and would MUCH rather be in heat than cold. But... I faithfully take my Vitamin D daily, and I love living in Canada -- so I have learned to appreciate all of the seasons. So, I say - let it snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow!! PS - Why do you think Canadians are so horny? We need to stay WARM through more months of the year than we need to cool down! LOL !!

Pssst.... Some Independent MA's DO offer oral..... Im sure it's no secret. I might get into trouble here....but.... I am an MA, and.... I have offered oral. It's not advertised and it's not a guarantee.... it's a 'if it happens, it happens' kinda deal. I would never suggest any hobbiest seek an MA for anything extra especially at a spa tho. But at the same time I don't see the harm in asking for any service- so long as you only ask once and accept the answer gracefully. But chances are if you haven't met the girl yet.... the answer is NO. For me, YMMV is a true statement. Everything must be mutually desired. I can promise you a mediocre massage, a spectacular bodyslide, a shared shower (altho I do hog) and an explosive ending.... But I cant promise oral and I cant even promise kissing. Hygiene and personality can go a lonnnnng way. So can gum ;) Just sayin' ;) So for a better chance at MORE, meet the girl first..... Connections can sometimes change things. But NOT always. Your Truth Teller, C.Heavens

I recently started to see ads for Sophie that peeked my interest. Soon after her first ad, she joined our community here on CERB and this made me want to make a connection soon. So this past Friday I saw that she was working, I had to make contact. I emailed her as her ad requests and introduced myself and asked a few question. Sophie promptly replied and her email asked me for my phone number and a time she could call to discuss further. This process is a little different for me, however I absolutely understand her desire for discretion and her process for booking. It doesn't matter how many times I meet a woman I am always a little nervous. Being nervous was short lived though as soon as Sophie opened the door. I was met by this petite sexy woman with a big hug and kiss. Sophie is extremely friendly and intelligent and this led to conversation with her being very easy and interesting. We proceeded to talk for awhile getting to know each other which led to her starting to get playful with some kissing and touching. Now, as for the naughty part of our encounter I won't get into the details. Every encounter is going to be different and of course a YMMV situation. I will say though, that Sophie is very sensual, a great kisser and I absolutely loved exploring every inch of her. Sophie was very adept to my needs and desires and accommodated them perfectly. Sophie works a limited schedule, but I would highly recommend to anyone. I certainly plan on repeat visits as often as time permits. Thank you Sophie for the memorable and enjoyable time. It was an absolute pleasure meeting you and I look forward to much more time spent together.

Yes and No, if it was bad where it was bait and switch (Fake Photos) or you got put into a dangerous encounter like being robbed or threatened (and you are an established member) you can report it in the correct area. If it was just not worthy of a recommendation or you just want to complain or warn others that the service was below your standard then other sites exist for this - cerb is not the place for that. No, this is a flaw as people do change but if we allowed this then it gets abused. Basically when members look for are RECENT reviews, people will continue to ADD comments to recommendations if they are worthy. A recommendation thread that has not been updated in over a year is often a RED FLAG to many of the members here. We do allow PM's when SOLICITED (Someone asks for specific info) to be sent. For instance if someone says "Does anyone have info on...." and you have some info that may be negative you can PM the person and share this info since they asked for it. An established member can also comment "Based on my recent experience I can not recommend" publicly (but nothing more) if people want more info from you they can PM you. What we want to avoid is anyone slandering someone or just being unreasonable. many guys will have bad experiences cause they have really insane expectations (we have all seen them) some guys show up with Body Oder and crotch rot and complain cause the lady would not offer them a BJ or nasty rotting teeth and she denies him kissing... etc... it happens SOOO OFTEN. These guys will make the MOST NOISE about a lady and try to damage her reputation. Cerb is friendly and positive cause we will not have any part of that.

Thanks for posting that info :) Just wanted to point this out just in case my previous post came off as... That I was just going to try and find out the location and go and hope for the best ;) LOL I sent a formal request via pm :)

The title is not a mistake, it does say door surprises not door prizes! lol Last September social , we were put on the spot at the door a few times with guests showing up unexpectedly. At the time we did not have access to our PM's/e-mails to see if we had made a mistake so we let a few guests in provided they paid the door fee if applicable. However this is not fair to those who planned and paid in advance or to other members who did ask in advance to bring a guess and to whom we said the guess was not eligible to attend. At the time we felt we were put in a position of damn if you do and damn if you don't. So we would like to inform everyone that if you have not been confirmed as attending via PM next Sunday, it means you are not on the guest list and will not be allowed in if you just show up. Please understand that we do pay for all expenses in advance so collecting money at the door we have to keep it till the next social. For the ladies, we received names from posting here on the thread so if u have not received a confirmation PM by next Monday Dec 9th let us know as we may have missed you. Same for those gents who paid for a ticket, let us know if u did not get a confirmation then. Thanks everyone for your cooperation. We will put more general info here as we get closer to Dec 12th!

I have no idea how I missed THIS thread, but CONGRATS to you, sweet sweet Ice4fun!!! It has been an absolute pleasure reading your posts, and seeing you contribute more on this forum. As you already know, I think the world of you and now you're showing the rest of Cerb why :) Here's to MANY MANY more of your posts!! XOXO

Agreed! I'm HUGE on everyone owning their own mistakes (including myself). If a guy chooses to partake in an activity that represents a risk to "his" life situation it is "his" responsibility to ensure that "he" has taken every effort to make sure that "his" two worlds don't collide. If a lady has been given permission to message a guy regarding future visits then it's up to "him" to ensure that she doesn't message him again. RG provided some solid solutions to anyone choosing to avail of the company of companions and everyone should heed his advice. Using your own everyday phone and email account for communication with companions brings a HUGE risk and choosing to do so is not particularly prudent if keeping things secret is important to you. As a client pinning your failure to follow simple solutions on the lady is not cool!

Available Monday 9 - 4:30 Tuesday 9 - 4:30 Hello Gentlemen, Your dream playmate is waiting for you this week!!!. I am that beautiful clean sexy girl that knows all those naughty tricks to drive you wild. I take pride in my health and appearance, and I would love to show you the rewards!! Beautiful, slim ,Well-educated and passionate on the inside, stunning and sexy on the outside. Treat me well and your experience will only be more fulfilling! What I offer you is not your typical relaxation experience.. I offer adult companionship at its finest. An experience with me is about delighting all of your senses. For those of you who haven't met me I will delight you with beautiful visions, sweet scents, soft whispers, and a gentle touch. For those of you who have, let me remind you that your only responsibility in my company is to relax and let me lead you to a place of pleasure you have only imagined. Come let me show you all of my sexy charms this upcoming week. Not a Member? Call 613-523-6199 or PM for info.

Although we have we have some true local gems here in St. John's a significant portion of the ladies we have are actually touring ladies. Personally because of my life situation, playtime for me involves some planning and I'm not usually able to run off to an encounter on a whim. So with the need for planning ahead I always love when I've got lots of advance notice that a lady I adore is coming to town. Because I do have to plan my encounters I tend to try to follow announcements and schedules pretty closely. However, there are some ladies that I would hate to miss so I have asked them to notify me when they start to even consider visiting to ensure that I get a chance to book out my time. I've learned how to play this game in order to maintain proper discretion and have taken all the proper precautions that I should so I don't really mind being contacted. I prefer an email notification or a Cerb PM because I actually have to login to those accounts to get the message. A phone call or text would be ok for me but because those two methods of communication can be generally fraught with issues ladies should generally avoid sending anything unexpected by the client in those forms. IMO a discrete friendly message sent by a lady you've seen before just to say, "hey I'm going to be visiting your area and wanted to let you know" is perfectly fine and appreciated. However, I personally would not like to receive a unsolicited personal message from a lady that I've never communicated with before. Although it might not actually be a solicitation as such, I would likely deem it unprofessional.

Everyone of us is unique; there is a purpose and a place for all. Its not something we find on the outside; the answer is within. I wish more people could see this in themselves.

Considering her ad went up today... and you had never met her before, it is interesting that you've had time to see her multiple times... And since you've seen a lot of sp's, and been a member a while, you've never posted a review except to complain about an sp that others have favorably reviewed flaking on you. I guess every reviewer needs to start somewhere, it would have been a little more believable had you posted other reviews before a review like this on the day a new SP posts an ad on BP... Additional Comments: big apple Registered User Join DateMar 2011Posts360 kimmy kimmy "put it in me" saw this girl in winnipeg. and she is considering a tour in toronto. if you have a chance to see her dont think twice about it!! never met her before but my expectations were hugely exceeded beautiful girl. pictures are very accurate and totally her and she is sexier in person. gorgeous body. amazing natural boobs. great service. definitely non rushed not a clock watcher. service wise she truly enjoys sucking dick and is one of the best i have ever had and and I have seen a lot of sp's!! she really loves loves it!!!! willing to accomodate and ymmv as usual but if you treat her well you will get great service ( note however she absolutely will not negotiate prices !!) would i repeat with her? i already have multiple times!!! would like to keep her to myself but will share this absolute gem with the board. Interesting post on terb.... followed by: bababuey Registered User Join DateFeb 2012Posts397 happened to be in winnipeg and saw her and i concur completely with the review she is awesome

Don't feed the trolls. These comments are obviously trying to provoke a reaction as you can clearly see the replies are intended to invoke emotions and cause drama. Hurting a ladies income when she is risking the guys livelihoods (who get caught in a bawdy house when its raided) and the spa's business and the other ladies as well... Its easy to see when a comment like that is just trying to make people upset. Some people get off on doing this, best to just ignore or report them.

I live the thought of snow.... the memories I have of fun playing in the Snow as a child and with my Daughters as they were growing up... and I love thinking about getting the opportunity to take grandchildren playing in the snow at some point in the future. The truth is as I have gotten older... my health gas not afford me as active a lifestyle as I would have liked and as a result snow has changed from a thing that I looked forward to into a problem to deal with... I am told not to shovel and not overdo it so Snow now gets me down. I bet my first grandchild will revive the child in me... i hope it does.

You make an excellent point!

Here is a picture of a dam in Italy. Why is this interesting or amazing, I hear you ask? Zoom in... Yes, they're goats. Apparently they like to lick off the salt and other minerals in the dam wall. What could possibly go wrong? Original page here, with a couple more pics.

Do ladies still really do this? Good grief. It screams "desperate for bookings..."... just a lil bit, doesn't it?

Hahaha I kinda of agree with it!!! I remember when I was a Kid back home... It looked so pretty on TV... always wanted to see it live... and play in it... and It looked so much fun to make snow angels... BUT THIS IS TEH REALITY NOW... Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited.It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. Oct. 14 - Canada. It is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here. Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here. Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada. Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here. Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. Friggin snow plough. Dec. 22 - More of that white **** fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. *******. Dec. 25 - Merry F'ng Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-***** who drives the snow plough,I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the friggin ice. Dec. 27 - More white **** last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white **** and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the **** again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? Dec. 28 - That ****ing weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the **** this time. Can you believe that he missed it by 24 inches. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the **** he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his bloody head. Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those stinkin' beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November. May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that blody salt they put all over the roads. ?? May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada WELLL no I have not yet moved to Florida or Back home... Still Here... Darn... one day one day LOL This are a a few FAQ: 1. Why did you move to Canada? I have no F... Clue... 2. Do you Like it here? Yes I do... But Not the winters... 3. How was your first winter? Aweful.., I spent indoors witha broken ankle.., I fell walking on the snow... 4. Are you used to the winter now? No not really.. But I have learn to accept them and try to vacation in between and take breaks from it.... Many People has told me.. you just have to get involved in winter sports and activities... My answer is I get cold easy.. and I do.. My feet and hands can freeze easily even when wearing High quality winter clothing... (i even bought electric heated boots once LOL). I was born and raised in South America and I was not Built for this weather.., Unlike FORD i was not Built Though... LOL!

actually I can't see his profile either and just speaking for myself i would NEVER see anyone who's profile i couldn't see.

Bonjour, My name is Jade. I am a beautiful Chinese girl from Quebec city. I am new on cerb and trying to contribute. I wanted to know your opinion on squirting... From what I learned, some like it and others are disgusted. So what do you think about squirting? Does is turn you on? or it makes you uncomfortable? And you ladies I'd love to hear from you. :) xoxo

Well do ya? There are lots of marathons and binge watching opportunities. What are your all time favourite spine tinglers? Here is my short list to get it started House on Haunted Hill Thirteen Ghosts Ghost Ship Alien Scanners Halloween Carrie Rose Red - Stephen King mini-series Evil Dead Army of Darkness Cabin in the Woods Night of the Living Dead American Werewolf in London Not on my list... Friday the 13th, Halloween II and onwards, Scream II and onwards, Nightmare on Elm Street franchise, Saw franchise.

Had some text and even two phone calls with her last Friday trying to set up an appointment then five minutes before appointment get a text that the hotel is changing replied where and never got an answer. very strange

It's coming, not much we can do about it, it is winter after all. I love snow, shovelling it, playing in it, walking in it, snow mobiling, cross country skiing, just watching it fall. There is nothing prettier than freshly fallen snow on the trees. What do you like or dislike about snow:)

And you are taking me with you baby!!

I'm with Katherine on this snow bit. Snow caused me to break my leg 3 years ago and I'm done with the love affair. Snow ads hours to my work day and I cannot wait for winter to end. Winters are getting easier in NS, but if they get worse, I'm heading to Florida for a month or two every winter.

I love threads like these for the same reasons that I talk too much when I first meet a lady from CERB.........because I love learning about people and what makes them tick. I'm a farmer and a family man. I love animals, plants, and tractors. I'm not religious, but I abide by the Golden Rule. I am a good friend because I care more about helping you than my personal wealth or well-being. My kids are my legacy and I'll do what I can to mentor them and get them further in life. My wife........okay, let's not go there except to say she's a terrific person who everyone loves, but she forgot what makes men happy-sex and sandwiches. I was ready to retire about 5 years ago, but now may have 2 youngsters returning to the farm, so I'm working with renewed vigor even though my body isn't 25 any longer. I consider many of the people on this forum friends and,when they disappear, I hope all is well with them. The ones I interact with on here, I'd love to meet someday. My bike is my solitude and I treasure those times alone.

What a nerve crasher for me, snow . I HATE IT. I can't run when it snows, travel is impeded, weather its flight, walking or driving my car. There is very little in life I refuse to do and one of those things is snow removal. I will not do it, I have sat here and actually prayed for rain. If God does not answer I will hire out for this hateful job. Snow is heavy, hurts my back and there is not one sexy thing I can say about snow. Blah to snow.

My reply was intended as tongue in cheek humour.... I fully understand that there will be times when a client and a lady will agree that they will meet again when she us next in town and an email or text is acceptable to both. in fact I have done this myself.... this was not the "cold call" that I was joking about.... in fact I hope if you come to St. John's I do hear from you.

I appreciate to be informed when a lady that I know will be available. Actually, when I made a connection with a lady that I want to see again, I ask her to be informed and I expect she will contact me; I would be disappojnted if she does not. My own schedule is quite awkward, and I have to travel a lot, so I need to plan ahead my rendez-vous galants. And if I wait until she publishes her ads, most of the time, it's too late for me since my own schedule is already full. Ads are usually made for short term encounters; I'm the kind who prefer to plan ahead and be sure of the availability of the Lady and the moment when I will see her. A "cold call", either by text messages or email, from a SP I've never met or never shown any interest in would be a "no-no" and I would consider it as an intrusion.

Possibly, but the ad I quoted was from yesterday (Saturday) and she states she will be in Fredericton for three days! http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=158865

Well...... first and foremost I am a Dad. I am happily married for close to 30 years and have always considered myself to extremely lucky to have had the wonderful supporting family that I do. I am a successful man in my profession and enjoy my work.. while I can retire soon I will most likely continue in some way. I am a quiet person but that should not be confused with being a push over. I look for and respect integrity in people. I don't have agree with someone to respect them so long as their position is based in their personal integrity. I think I am a kind... caring and generous person. through out my life I have been involved in my community as I feel it is important to give back and pay forward. As my physical appearance... let's just say I am your average 50 something guy...lol... if it comes down to just looks I fear I will lead a lonely existence. I would hope that people who meet me would walk away knowing I am a family man who cares about others and is fun to be around.

I am a husband. I am a father. I am a friend. I am a child of God and believes the Lord works in mysterious ways. I am not perfect!!. I am addicted to anything salty. I am the year of the tiger. I am an autumn baby and the sign of Virgo. I am a winemaker and a wood worker. I love olives and grape season. I am a work in progress and always discovering something. I am a fabulous cook. I am a powertool hound. I am often wondering what happens next. I am proof that time heals all wounds. I am living and I am learning. I love thunderstorms and fear losing the people that I love. I am lost without my wrist watch. I am urban and I am an avid outdoorsman. I am a believer that everyone has a story. Mornings are for sleeping in or making love. I am an aviation fanatic, civil and military. I believe in guardian angels and I am thanking my lucky stars. I am a frequent visitor of any hardware stores. I am a perpetual Mr. Fix-it. I am more than just a beast of burden. I am a man of mystery and I have of lot of TLC to give. I am a potato chip junkie. I am a gentleman mechanic. I am happiest when I am behind the viewfinder of my camera. I am a satisfied DIY'er. I can give you the shirt of my back. I am on the information super highway. I am here, in plain sight, even as big as I am, I can still be unnoticeable . I am most comfortable in the kitchen. I am inviting you to enjoy a glass of wine with me. I am a good listener. I am a believer of treating people the way that I want to be treated. I am inspired by my friends. I am trying to let go of memories of situations that took advantage of me, I need to give the overflowing love that I have. I need someone to thirst for the love that I have to give. I need to be appreciated. I need to be listened too. I need to be understood. I need to be held. I need to be spoken to with respect. I need to be reminded of things with dignity. ...and I am wishing you were here..

That's not a service MAs offer - and even if they did we wouldn't be able to talk about it here 'cos it's illegal. But we have plenty of SPs who do - have a look through the SP ads and I'm sure you'll find someone...

!!! Additional Comments: Additional Comments: More pics & info here http://www.amusingplanet.com/2013/03/pink-lake-hillier-in-australia.html

I can't explain me in writing damnitt ! This is a simple quote I always liked and I try my damndest to live my life by... not always possible but I manage to do it most of the time.

thank you learn something new everyday or atleast I try.lol. !!)

27. Alternatives to the Bacon Sandwich I was insensitive. I forgot that many providers have religious convictions that may prevent them from providing bacon sandwiches at their incall locations. Alternatives, well. Hmmm. Do you have a friend that might make bacon sandwiches that you could call? That'd work. Steak sandwiches are nice. With caramelized onions and mushrooms, on a soft bun, meat cooked medium rare with a dollop of horseradish mayonnaise. I like that too. Not as much as bacon sandwiches, but if you make up for it by putting a little more effort on the plate, like a sprig of parsley and a few cherry tomatoes, it is almost as good. Vegetarians. Hmmm. I never considered you either. Listen. If you have a friend that will make you bacon sandwiches and put it in a nice sealed thermal bag, I might just take that to go at the end of our encounter. Or you could make butter tarts. I like butter tarts. The butter tart to bacon sandwich equivalency ratio is approximately 12.8 to 1, but I would take an even dozen and call it a deal. Vegans. You are going to make my life difficult. Anything in your fridge will probably make me feign a polite smile and rub my tummy indicating that I am already full. I don't believe that there is a vegan equivalent to any of the aforementioned sandwiches or buttery confections. You might want to consider a new profession... or.... you could offer duos with a bacon lady... that'd work! Just sayin'. 28. The Negotiator You enter a restaurant. Your brain is like Rain Man. You know that you will only eat 84% of your hamburger, 67% of your fries, 92% of your coleslaw and drink 96 % of your coffee. Waste not, want not. You speak to the manager of your restaurant. You ask what the hamburger platter costs replete with a steaming cup of coffee. He quotes you a price, of $10.17, taxes in and excluding gratuity. You balk. You counter offer at $7.82 including gratuity, insisting that the amount of time spent at the table will be less than 14 minutes if the service of the meal comes within 2.4 minutes of your arrival thus allowing the restaurant to serve more customers per hour. You ask to only be served 84% of a hamburger, 18 of the standard 27 french fries, 4.6 ounces of coleslaw and 7.68 ounces of coffee. This seems perfectly reasonable. To. You. The manager politely asks you to leave. Now. GTFO. You get a bit snippy and threaten not to darken his door ever again. He raises an eyebrow, gives his head a slight nod indicating the direction of the door. You see that your negotiating skills have missed their mark on this savvy proprietor. You don't eat that day. The same holds true in the provider world. When the pretty lady says that she offers 1 hour, 2 hour, 4 hour and 8 hour encounters with specific prices attached thereto, you should understand that those are the time allotments and prices that are NON negotiable. You can't get 84% of a BJ. This is a luxury service and frankly, you have an alternative - you can seek someone else with a cheaper rate and more suitable time frames BUT you have to understand. A Camaro is not a Ferrari. A Pinto is not a Benz. A Lada is not a Rolls Royce. You may end up at the same destination with all six, but you know that the ride won't be as smooth and certainly not as memorable. 29. I love you vs I LOVE YOU. Alotta Fagina. Ohhhhhhhh my GOD. Alotta. Fagina. I have seen her like ummmm.... 25 times in the past two months. She is my muse. She makes me happy. She fills my heart with joy. She is perfect. Good heavens. I love her. No. I love bacon sandwiches. I LOVE HER. With all my heart. I LOVE her. She must love me. She must LOVE me. We have had sex like 25 times in the last two months. That's what... 24 more times than I had all of last year with my ex-girlfriend. Granted she was in a coma for 11 of those months, but that's semantics. I LOVE Alotta Fagina. She LOVES me. We will move in together. We can have an island, small at first, like one that holds up the centre support of a train bridge but in time we will have an island in the Caribbean. When I win the lotto. I have a plan. I will make her the happiest woman on the face of the planet. She has made me the happiest man on the face of the planet. <THWACK> WTF! I was expressing my true love, my undying affection. We are in love. <THWACK> Okay, please stop that. I know you are jealous of our deep spiritual connection. You could not possibly understand how much we LOVE one another. <THWACK> Now that hurt. Why did you use a baseball bat? I may have a contusion. Look, just look... you left a mark. How can I explain this to the epicentre of my universe, the apple of my eye... I know, I will say I was defending her honour. That will make her UBER love me even more than she ultra loves me now. This is a dangerous game. You may have affection for providers and providers may have affection for us. That's a natural bond that comes with spending time together but never confuse love for LOVE. You have a paid relationship with a provider that is mutually beneficial, and over time that may make you much closer. I am not saying that it's IMPOSSIBLE that LOVE will blossom, but the most basic principle is that you will find an amazing person to spend your time and money with... and that's the premise that you must keep in mind. Love your provider, respect your provider but when you feel the emotions welling up within you, take a break from your provider and take stock. It might be best for everyone! ... i'm sure that there will be more....

20. Hey Alotta, can we book a 4:20 appointment, get it...420??? Dude. You need pizza. You need nachos. You need a pizza with nachos and KFC. You also need to rethink your priorities. You can't show up to an appointment high or piss drunk. No. You. Can't. That is a no no. People sometimes do silly things when they are under the influence of alcohol and drugs. I, in fact, proposed marriage to a horrible person when I was in such a state. When I recovered, she was Mrs Dog. There is absolutely no irony in that statement - she was a total bitch. You see, just because you like to partake in a herbal vacation on a daily basis, don't assume that your provider does. If you consume liquor in lieu of say... food, you must also make that assumption that your provider might actually eat rather than just drink. You MIGHT think that drugs and alcohol make you sexy. Ummmmm. No. That's a pee stain on the front of your pants. Not. So. Sexy. Bottom line? Drugs and alcohol make people do stupid things. You can do this your friends. You can do this with your family. You can NOT do this with your provider. NEVER show up drunk or stoned. Stupid things could mean dangerous things. Dangerous things are bad. She is already placing herself in a somewhat vulnerable situation, she certainly doesn't need the addition of a chemical additive to make it worse. The other thing, you might actually REMEMBER how wickedly awesome your experience was!!!! 21. Why doesn't she respond? I need to couple with her now!!! Men, as a collective gender, do not take direction well. I admit it. My penis admits it. We like to forge new paths, be trailblazers, and we hate to read stuff. We especially hate to read stuff. Reading stuff is for girls. Girls know that. That's why they force us to read. To humiliate us. To make us appear more stupid than we... wait, we are pretty stupid. Let's face it. Men do things because we think we already know how to do things. Providers are girls. This is their chance to torment us. It's okay though. They will touch our wieners. That makes us happy. We just have to follow instructions.... arrrRRRRRrrrggggh. I hate reading instructions. I love when she touches my wiener. Mental battle..... dammit. Must resist. Nope. Wiener wins.... ALL THE TIME. Okay. Read the instructions. WTF? No PMs??? I have been sitting here with a blue pill induced RAGING erection for 3 hours and she doesn't want me to PM? Oh my god. No wonder I can never see Alotta Fagina. She doesn't take PMs. What else won't she accept? No emails??? No blocked calls, no private numbers??? Guys... when it comes to the hobby, we have to obey the rules. To obey the rules, we actually have to READ the RULES. If we could make our penisisisiesisisis read the rules that would be better, but the one eyed python of love is blind. Big head has to obey. She has preferred methods of contact. Read em. Understand em. Use em. Your wiener will thank you. 22. I suspect you may clone me. May I have my used condom? Dude. Seriously? Do you have like a used condom hall of fame? Guys, no one wants to store your jizz. Alotta Fagina does not have secret contacts with a mad scientist who pays her for your splooge. There is no secret conspiracy to place your spunk at the scene of a major crime. Conspiracy theories are fun... now run back to your basement and get the foil helmet on lickety-split!!! ohhhh.... there's more.

13. Rescue Me. You are Prince Valiant. You are Captain Courageous. You are a schmuck. You see a provider and become a regular, and then it dawns on you. I LOVE her. I frickin' love her. I am going to rescue that wanton woman from this life of abject misery and make her an honest woman!!!! I will shower her with stuff I can't afford and leave my wife and kids for her... because I know she loves me. She just had great sex with me, didn't she? (it was great for me, and I am sure once she woke up, it was great for her too!) Schmuck. Schmuck!!! Double Schmuck. You let the "fantasy" take hold of your reality and forgot that what you just shared was something that you just paid for. Over there. On the table. In that unsealed envelope. Providers are verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry good at making you feel fantastic - that's what they do, that's the JOB. Whoops did I just say that? Why yes, yes I did. Forget what you see on TV. Forget what the moral majority says in the propaganda. Providers are real women who live in the real world and the job that they perform provides an income. Many providers could blow you away with their talents outside of CERB. They are interior designers, computer programmers, actors, writers, teachers, health care workers, office managers and artists doing this... so if you THINK you know better, think again. Enjoy the fantasy. If she wants you in her life in another capacity, that's her call... not yours. 14. Did I mention bacon sandwiches? Providers - I know I did mention it but I forgot to add that I like it on lightly toasted white bread. Easy on the butter. Remember that well constructed bacon sandwiches will make you rich. 15. The Menu. Now that we are fully aware that ALL providers wishing to be considered to be ELITE will have a supply of homemade delicious bacon sandwiches at hand, please be aware that there is another menu. You know what I am talking about. The menu is there for your edification and for your adherence. In other words, special orders may not be available, or if they are available, there may be an upcharge. If it's not available, it's just plain not available. Don't push for it, don't try to sneak it in there, don't go there. In short, don't be a dick. Now before you get all whiny like a little bitch that fell in the playground and skinned their knee, think. When you took the time to read the list of services available did it say that she had a penguin suit and was willing to feed you like a mama penguin feeds her chick? (really don't think about that, it's kinda gross.) Did it say that she would use a feather duster to clean your place WITHOUT using her hands??? No... it did not. (but if you find one like that, PM me, cuz that would be interesting to see.) In all cases, Your Mileage May Vary. Nobody (except for me because I am special) gets everything they want. Be happy that you get to spend time with someone that special... because she will rock your world with stuff that is on the menu! 16. Appreciate her. You have just spent time with the MOST incredible woman you have ever met. You are walking on a cloud. She just did things with you that you only dreamed about and you pinch yourself to see if this is all a dream. It's NOT a dream. It's REAL. Why not up the ante a bit? I mean she did make you a bacon sandwich for God's sake. She did things with you that you have wanted to do for eons. She smelled amazing. It is not inappropriate to buy her a little gift. Like a yacht. Or a Ferrari. Or a mansion with a suite that I could live in. Okay... forget the yacht. Why not a little something something for her? Check her website. Many will give you ideas of her tastes. Oh... and say thank you. Mean it. Respect her. If she approves of your review, post it. Let her know that she rocked your world. It's late now... I must sleep.... but we are not done... yet.

OD, what were you thinking? Come on! :sadomaso: You forgot to include in your number 10 that NO lady wants to see a picture of their male junk :obs55:, big or small, shaved or not, in their introduction email ;)