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Showing content with the highest reputation on 04/29/14 in all areas
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7 pointsWell, while we wait for the ladies to chime in, there's this. To me, the clock starts when I walk in. The hugs, the kisses, the chit-chat are all part of the experience and the shower time is also counted. More importantly, were I enjoying the pleasure of your company, time is up when you say it is. Period. If it's at the 29 minute mark or 39, it is your time, your business, your decision. IMHO, sounds like you met a Class A twit.
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7 pointsfor me the time should start when the client says hello to the provider. The provider is offering time. When you go to a lawyer or accountant, the clock starts as soon as you sit down
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6 pointsKarina it is all up to you. You are your boss and you call the shots, never should a client be allowed to push you or anyone into a corner or tell you how a session is going to go. If a client books at 4 for a 1/2 hr appt then 4:30 his time is up-simple! If you want to give him a little extra that is up to you, but you ARE NOT obligated. Especially if he is ill mannered.
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6 pointsFor an in-call the time starts at the agreed upon start time. Which in this case was 4 PM. He should have had his clothes back on and walking out your door to leave your place at 4:30 PM sharp. If he shows up 15 minutes late. That means he has lost 15 minutes of playtime. Again -- He should have had his clothes back on and walking out your door to leave your place at 4:30 PM sharp. If he gave you a call to say he is running a little late. Then it is your discretion at when the adjusted start time and end time will be. In this case he was only booking 30 minutes. Again -- He should have his clothes back on and walking out your door 30 minute after he arrived. But that is just my opinion.
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5 pointswell that's one of the ways that the board works, another function it has is the ability to ask other people if they have seen a certain sp and their opinion on them, especially if you are unsure or skeptical about seeing one. so don't be an ass :butt:
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4 pointsSome sps are very strict about that start and end time, as in if the appt is 4pm, for half hour, they must leave at 4:30 even if they arrive at 4:15. It depends on how accurate you are with your own timing, tho to pull that off. And that is for sps who have prebooked appts, and times, and they must stay on schedule without deviation. There really aren't too many sps who work on that firm schedule, but i think the majority of us will say arrival at the door time to end time has to be within that 30 minute range. Half hour guys are only taking showers if they already know they aren't using or needing 30 minute activity time. maybe a quick rinse, or cleanup the area, hands, mouthwash, bathroom break (not in that order) a couple of minutes, no sp minds that, but dilly dallying around first, then saying they are taking a shower, if we;ve spent 5 minutes on chit chat or canoodling and then he tells me now he wants a shower, I am not feeling quite so generous with my half hour of time. now everything is going to be cut shorter than i would like because instead of 2-3 minutes prior to starting, we are looking at a full 10 minutes into the half hour for 'everything'. Is that always possible? Not without rushing thru something, no. And if you don't this is a guy who will not be in and out within the time he paid for. Sure 5 minutes here or there, no one minds that, especially if that time is in the shower lol. But 4pm to 4:40, and he still isn't gone let alone done, or wants to argue about the amount of time left? No. And that is because i offer a 45 minutes option. This is a 45 minute guy. He wants to chat, take a shower, then get started and needs 30 minute activity time, tell him next time the best option for him is to take 45 minutes, which you do at XX $. His option for the half hour is to understand the half hour doesn't come with an unrushed session of going overtime. No half hour sessions are for guys who need or want more time than that. It is often for the guys who want to be in and out within 30 minutes because they need to be somewhere else, it isn't supposed to be for the guy who wants or needs 45 minutes but too cheap to pay the hour rate to get it.
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4 points4 PM sweetie. Good thing he didn't book an hour. You might have had to stop for coffee break or tea time ;)
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4 pointsI think it is pretty clear to most people that if you book an appointment for a half hour and the time is from 4 pm to 4:30 pm then the clock starts at 4 pm, unless the SP is late (and she is coming to see you) then the clock starts when she arrives. If she lets you go beyond the agreed time then that is a bonus and one should just enjoy! I know I do!
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4 pointsHi Karina, Technically the clock does start on arrival and if the client would like to shower he should do so immediately before any type of intimacy takes place. It depends on the client. If you're talking, embracing, kissing and starting to connect, it should be a part of the time together. Another idea is to jump in the shower with him to make it a part of the encounter. Thirty minute appointments can be tricky and it sounds like this client would like a social connection as well. Perhaps you can suggest an extension in time together for your next encounter as that may be more suited to what he's seeking?
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4 pointsThis girl has always contributed informative, valuable insight to this board. She is truly unique among us,unquestionably cute, we've had our tiffs but she has always been forgiving, welcoming, friendly and kind when approached. I value her and because of this I'd like to nominate her as our Cerb goddess of the Day:) Plus she is an animal lover;) Sweet Emily J http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/member.php?u=68545
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3 pointsThe time was up at 4:30, sorry. I hate to get all business but we are expected to be punctual and I feel a client should be as well. I often go over time but it is at my discretion. If you showed up 15 minutes late and he had things to so and people to see that would have messed up his day. Curtesy is a two way street.
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3 pointsTraffic problems etc do happen which is why the majority of ladies won't book back to back appointments. So....IMHO the time starts once you pass the threshold (of course any late arrivals should be communicated to the lady...especially anything later than 10 to 15 minutes). Please don't view this as us being clock watchers. It's just a matter of respect for each other's time and possible other commitments either personal or professional. PS being early is sometimes worse than being late lol
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3 pointsTo me the clock starts when you walk in the door. You may (at your discretion) give him the time for a shower...a quick thorough shower, but that's up to you. A client is paying for your time, not for what happens during that time. If he choses to spend time in a thirty minute encounter engaged in conversation, guess what, the clock is ticking. Even social time still is time. If he wants an encounter to include social time (conversation etc) he should book longer encounters But I think BC Guy is right, you had a class A twit for a client My two cents RG
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3 pointsYes. Google Analytics is where it's at. Also Google Webmaster Tools is very useful as well. It gives even more info about keyword search terms, which Google Analytics hides or shows as: (not provided). And it also shows where improvements for search optimization can be made. Plus other interactive features like the ability to ask Google to crawl your site when you make changes or add pages, etc. All free. :)
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3 pointsanother idea is to add it to your list of fetish services offered. Add it to your advertising as an option ... then those who are interested can inquire and request that service. The gents will get used to seeing it in your advertising, then when an inquiry comes up like "who offers porn sessions" your name will be the one they recommend. For example, I always offer an outfit request and a beverage choice, and gents have become used to requesting a different outfit each time they see me. When someone posts a thread like "who offers outfit requests" my name invariably comes up.
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3 points
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3 points
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3 pointsThat's why I purchased my 13" MacBook Pro in 2009 & I haven't used my Windows PC since then. My stupid company/job still uses Windows, mostly XP & Vista. Mac OS X is far superior and a lot more intelligent and user friendly than Windows & more fun than Unix/Linux, IMHO. No rebooting every day, no virus/trojans/worms, etc. and a lot easier to be more productive and effective. Sorry Window lovers. I just love my Mac! But to each their own. I'll get down from my soap box. lol
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3 points
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3 pointsI agree with what the others have said. I had a similar situation. Only the lady was visiting me in my home and it was our 2nd date. She insisted that she wanted to stay. It was obvious she was not up to it. I tended to her like I would any other sick friend. (Blanket, tea, flat ginger ale, soup, soda crackers, Gravol, Tylenol.) She took a nap (alone) for a couple of hours. She declined the donation but I stuck it in her coat pocket anyway. The rest is history - we saw each other (professionally) for about two years. Always treat people with dignity and respect. Expect nothing in return. When you least expect it someone will do the same for you.
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2 pointsJUICY & FIRM ;) YOUR EVERY NEED, WANT AND DESIRE WILL BE TAKEN CARE OF ! I strive to tease, please and give you the ultimate satisfaction guaranteed. I love mutual encounters of eroticism and true pleasure as well as enticing conversations & bonding relationships. Juiciest Schedule For This Week (Tues. Apr. 29th-Fri. May. 2nd) is posted below, check it out and lets match our schedules up. Pre-Book your amazing session NOW! My Appearance: 23 years, long haired brunette babe, dazzling sexy hazel eyes, lightly tanned, silky smooth skin, I stand at 5'3, 125lbs with curves in all of the right places, fit, toned and tight figure, 36C perfect tittys!, round & firm juicy ass, gorgeous face features and i am Italian & French. My Personality: Very outgoing, playful, sensual, erotic, open minded, seductive, naughty, bubbly, sweet, kinky, classy, talkative, sweet, caring, intelligent, respectful and discreet young lady. WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT IN A NAUGHTY SESSION WITH ME: -erotic, sensual & seductive nude massage -great conversation & atmosphere -an ending that is sure to leave you more than happy! -reverse massage -mutual touching -duo massage (2 girls, 4 hands) -soapy showers for 2 -topless massage -bum massage -multiple experiences -pearl necklace release -cob -tantric massage experience -fetish friendly -dirty talk -foot fetish/worship -strip tease/lap dance (Regular Clientele) -outfits, heels, stockings, exotic wear/lingerie, or any outfits seen in my pictures & much much more !!! (Please inquire about more of my services) ELITE V.I.P. PACKAGE: (Regular Clientele) For the discerning, classy and upscale gentleman at my discretion. My package includes several different services combined into one package for one price! All services are YMMV! (Please inquire-regarding my VIP services & pricing) Fees: (Door Fees Only): 30mins: $50 45mins: $60 60mins: $80 PLUS tipping in the room (please inquire) Location: (Tuesday-Friday): Merivale & Hunt Club. (Incalls Only). Angels Touch Spa. Clean, discreet, upscale & professional. ATM on-site, Free parking, fresh towels, nice big showers in each room & hygienic products. Schedule For This Week: (Tues. Apr. 29th-Fri. May. 2nd): Tues: 10am-4pm (Today) Wed: 10am-7pm Thurs: 10am-7pm Fri: 9am-4pm EMAIL. PM. CALL. TEXT: For more info or to book your naughty session ! 613-600-3943 (no blocked calls pls) (text preferred) Email: [email protected] Personal Website: http://taylordevine.massagefiles.com/ Angels Touch: 613-274-7073 (Request Taylor) RECOMMENDATIONS: http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthr...ltr=T&t=155684 AD WITH COMMENTS:http://www.cerb.ca/classifieds/ottaw...ue-beauty.html SEXY PICTURES: http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/album.p...ictureid=57872 CRAVE TAYLOR BOYS! XOXO MUAHS!
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2 pointsCuuuum and get 'em while they're hot!! I got a pair of hot muffins just waiting to be bitten into ;) Dare to taste? I guarantee you'll love these mouth watering muffs, so cum stop in for a bite ;) A Brief Yet Sexy Description Of Yours Truly Ever dreamt of being with a runway model? Well here's your chance to have one sashay into your room and fulfill your every desire. I am a tall red head with breathtaking blue eyes and legs that are to die for. Heart stopping good looks and a playful demeanor that will leave you begging for more... Sexy Services That Will Blow Your Mind A phenomenal full body massage Body slides that will make you quiver and tremble with desire Reverse massages and the opportunity to run your hands up and down my smooth, silky bod Steamy and sensual showers for 2 Very open to couples sessions Love, love, looove catering to the ladies :wink: PM me for more information on my sexy services :wink: Availability And Location (Angels Touch) Today from 9am until 4pm (Paradise Spa) Wednesday from 3:30pm until 11pm (Paradise Spa) Thursday from 3:30pm until 11pm (Paradise Spa) Friday from 3:30pm until 11pm (Angels Touch) Sunday from 10am until 9pm How To Contact This Sexy Temptress Call to book some sexy time with me at 613-274-7073, PM me, or email me at [email protected] ***Also, be sure to check out my recommendations: http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthr...t=victoriascrt ***
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2 pointsMe personally I don't have any tattoos. I grew up in an era that tattoos were worn by soldiers, sailors and inmates. And I almost had one back in my army days, not by choice, I was drunk, and a couple buddies were going to chip in and get me tattooed. Thank god they didn't have enough money. Now it is commonplace. If I put one on it just would be for the sake of having one put on, it wouldn't hold any special meaning. But I have been with some ladies who do have tattoos, and I find it compliments their beauty. I would say I love tattoos on a lady who wants them. But body art is personal, and no one should pressure someone into wearing a tattoo, nor should someone sit in judgement of those have tattoos, or don't have tattoos. It is a personal decision, not for me to sit in judgement of. But that said, I do find on those ladies who have them, it compliments their beauty. A rambling RG
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2 pointsTuesday Tia 9-4 aka "Tiaa.Lovee.x0" Salina 9-4 aka "Salinaflower" Brooklyn 9-4 aka "brookynsfinest" Sabrina R 9-4 aka "SabrinaR" Mandy 10-7 aka "CandyMandy" Kandice 12-9 aka "Sweet Kandice" Chloe 2-9 aka "XChloeX" Kiki 2-11 NEW aka "Kinky-Kiki" Cherry 3-11 aka "Cherry Blossom" April 3:30-11 NEW Jamie 3:30-11 aka "Jamie-xo" Riley 3:30-11 aka "Riley Parks" Sasha 4-11 aka "Sasha-Paradise" Online Ad check it out http://www.cerb.ca/classifieds/ottaw...2014-news.html NEW KiKi 24 year old (former exotic dancer ) 5'2 ft tall, stunning redhead, native, irish, French, Canadian mix, 100 pounds, 34C, petite,brown eyes, Bilingual. NEW April aka "Summer" from Barb's (exotic dancer)..soon to become one of Ottawa's fav's http://www.angelstouchmassage.ca/site/aprils-profile/ NEW Kimber aka "sweetkimber" http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/album.php?albumid=8890 New Pics http://www.angelstouchmassage.ca/site/kimbers-profile/ New Sexy Pics http://www.angelstouchmassage.ca/site/the-angels/ Schedule Updated Daily http://www.angelstouchmassage.ca/site/schedule/ Come for a 4 hand massage in our getaway room....an experience you will never forget Ottawa's Best Room! Regular Room spacious and in room shower Single Massage: 30 minutes $55. 45 minutes on special for $65. 60 minutes $80. 90 minutes $120. Duo Massage: 30 minute on special for $80. 45 minute on special for $100. 60 minute on special for $130. Getaway Room Fee: Room Features a hot tub,6 ft custom shower and fireplace for your enjoyment Single Massage: 30 minutes $70. 45 minutes $85. 60 minutes $100. 90 minutes $150. Session time @ Discretion of MA Duo Massage/Couples Massage: 2 Attendant 30 minute $100. 45 minute $120. 60 minute $150. Couples Massage: 1 Attendant 30 minute $70. 45 minute $85. 60 minute $100. HST included in all door fee prices Longer Session times available and at the Discretion of MA Salina's Recommendations http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=144753 Brooklyn's Recommendation *** NEW http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=172010 Sabrina R Recommendation ***NEW RECOMMENDATION http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=175469 Jamie's Recommendation http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=104412& http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthr...ltr=J&t=114727 Mandy's Recommendation http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=120757 Riley Recommendation http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=162336 Chloe's Recommendation***NEW RECOMMENDATION http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=165602 Cherry's Recommendations http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=151528 http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=165602 Sasha's Recommendationshttp://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=146238 HIRING.....We seeking attractive hard working ladies! You must be 18 years of age or older to be employed at Paradise Spa. We require proof of legal age and legal eligibility to work via a valid government identification and/or other documentation as required by law. Kiki-NEW
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2 points0 hits doesn't mean they aren't downloaded pictures, it can mean tineye or google just hasn't hit them yet. In saying that 0 hits can also mean they are the owners pictures as well. My point is not to just rely image searches for conformation of fact.
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2 pointsu guys troll the internet looking for new ads and a name to post here.maybe u should try to get some "ass".name calling is very "mature" thought this board was for adults???
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2 pointsIt may seem like an explosion, but really this is just Winnipeg catching up. Clearly there is sufficient demand. I am noticing that prices are starting to moderate which is probably a good thing, in the short term. It's likely that prices will begin rising once the market is more saturated.
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2 pointsI absolutely understand the shyness and it can be a formidable challenge in the beginning. You probably won't have to ask for rates just because they aren't posted on an ad, all you have to do is initiate the contact. If a provider has chosen not to post her rates, she's prepared to share them long before you arrive at her door. I send an introduction with all the pertinent details along with my website information to every potential guest who sends an email that consists of actual words instead text abbreviations or the infamous one liner emails. What I seek in a guest is a gentleman who actually "gets" what I bring to the table which is a willingness to engage and communicate on every level with my guests. I don't expect men to read all the details of my ads because they usually focus on certain aspects while glossing over others. I want guests to ask questions so I can answer clearly; presenting what I offer that makes an experience with me unique and what I expect from a potential paramour. I appreciate the dialogue and the opportunity to find out more about a potential encounter so I can assess if we are a good fit. The most important thing to me is that we are on the same page with expectations and anticipations. For me, not posting my consideration is an invitation to engage. If I put out all the juicy bits, the only thing left is for a guest to chose a dat and time but I find guests often want an opportunity to get a feel for the woman behind the pictures. We all know this is an industry based on fantasy but the very best guests for me are the men who want a woman who is herself, comfortable in her skin and who enjoys her career. These men want the opportunity to get to know me a bit before they make their decision and being able to ask a question is an excellent way to break the ice... cat Additional Comments: Warped88, I'm so sorry, I'm not sure how that smilie got on there! I apologize, I don't think you're a wanker and I can't edit it... cat
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2 pointsI know this is a question for the guys but I did walk in to an outcall and on a few occasion porn was playing on the TV and personally I dont enjoy it...I dont mind if he watches it before i get there but prefer if he turns it off once I arrive...just my opinion...
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2 pointsThis is just me -- I am sure some people may be into that sort of thing. I prefer focusing on the lady with little or no distractions. After all, she is the one I am there to see. Porn is very expensive when you consider everyone has different tastes. Perhaps investing in sexy outfits or soft cuffs, or blindfold, or feather duster, or small vibrating toy, might be a better choice. Good vibrations and all that... Just an idea....
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2 pointsThere has been some excellent and appropriate advice here. I especially life Jafo's suggestion above. Good Karma.
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2 points
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2 pointsI'm new to all this, only being with one lady (twice) so far, but I found the final hug and kiss a little awkward. Not that I disliked it in anyway. Quite the opposite, really: I'd love a more passionate goodbye, I'm sure. :) But, as someone new to the lifestyle, I think the passion, friendliness, and genuine caring of the lady was a little bit of a surprise. One can read volumes on encounters and what to expect, but until it's actually experienced... Which is my way of saying to the ladies, don't let us awkward newbies stop you from being you and don't give up on us. ;)
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1 pointWhats your opinion on woman using a double headed dildo? Does it turn you on? Make you jealous? Send me your feedback
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1 point"Ignoring the realities of people who have actual experience working in the sex trade in favour of adopting a position that is rooted in ideology and based on widely discredited research is grossly dehumanizing." Thank you for starting this post, Emily J. It affects not only sex workers, but employees in general. In both cases they tend not to report it, because in both cases their jobs are at stake. We all know someone from our day jobs that went through this. And it's time for a change. Stakes are obviously higher, and more perilous, for a sex worker. Celine Bissette brings it home in a way that clearly illustrates the shortcomings of the Nordic Model. If the client is punished, for the victim, it's a long series of interviews, taped statements, subpoenas, court dates, remands....for years. The probability of conviction is low. If she keeps working, and has multiple assaults, and court cases , her credibility drops. Deals are made out of court, the perp gets off with probation, and he's back out. Here we go again. With laws of protection, the probability of this happening is greatly reduced. Terri Jean and her cohorts did not fight for anti-client legislation. They fought for sex worker safety. It bamboozles me how politicians, lawmakers, and suits make decisions for the people they have never bothered to meet with. The inconvenient truth is that it is distasteful for politicians, legislators, and suits to gain consensus amongst us, even though we are fucking them.
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1 pointohh it's so nice to see this kind of opinion as I'm finding it increasingly frustrating to see all the fear mongering and paranoia that's being posted on various boards. I just read a post by a gent who claims all clients are opening themselves up to blackmail demands because the "sex worker" will have intel on him she can use to have him arrested... then he explained to the ladies that all the "good clients" obey the law so the only clients remaining will be the criminal element. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your point of view, your calm and cool resolve... and also your handle. If there were an award for originality you'd take first prize :) @fortunateone ... great article! God forbid she portray the ideal of "the happy hooker" ... even if it's true. LoL
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1 pointThere have been a few threads on this agency. Consensus seems to be Nikki Menege runs it and it is good. Elise is a member here on CERB. http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=155675&highlight=halifax+playmates http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=150868&highlight=halifax+playmates http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=168444&highlight=halifax+playmates Hope this gives a starting point
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1 pointI have never agreed to a GFE with anyone to date and would like to be clear about the services I provide, which is a sensual massage with finish. I am pretty sure that I know who the poster would be since I have a handful of people it could be. I am completely new to this space. I can say that on my behalf, I am completely upfront with what I offer and ymmv. Thanks!
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1 point
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1 pointHow about forgetting to put your cup in the tassimo and walking away. Coffe everywhere, wouldn't think one cup of coffee could be so much. Happen to come across a lady (could've been a guy) in the grocery store parking lot, she couldn't unlock her door. Battery dead in her FOB. I asked, did you try the key, right then the red cheeks and the head shacking told me what she though hand must've looked like to a total stranger. Technology, what happens when it doesn't work? We forget the old way of doing things, manually. ;)
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1 pointI believe there are 2 new agencies offering Asian Sp's now. 3 in total that i know of in total.
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1 pointI hate that. Saw an SP in Vancouver and she had a TV and DVD player on a cart that she rolled into the bedroom. I told her I was paying money to see her not watch TV. She insisted, I think it was pure laziness on her part ie if the video entertains me, less work for her. One of the very worst sessions ever, total waste of time and money. I can see all the porn I want at home for free. Maybe if some guy gets a big thrill out of watching it, okay. But it is nothing but a distraction and an annoyance for most guys that I have spoken to about it.
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1 pointI'm sure it varies, but I only post my rates on my site. I prefer that a client gets to know me first before considering an appointment. I think that works better for everybody. Brooklyn
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1 point
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1 pointInteresting thread, thank you for starting it! :) As someone who has recently started offering massage services, I am very interested to hear what massage lovers prefer. I've been using a high quality cold pressed organic virgin coconut oil. It has wonderful properties, texture and consistency, and the scent is super mild and barely there, because it's totally natural. I also warm it up on the stove before using it, to make it even more enjoyable. I just love it, and I've had great feedback so far. I keep a few other various options on hand, and am open to suggestions, but so far the coconut oil has been a hit. It's amazing for the skin, including mine, after using my body to rub it all over my subject. ;) It's also totally edible (wink wink) and actually even good for you.
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1 point
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1 pointhttp://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=168507 I know plagiarism is frowned upon here and it's appreciated by the providers who work hard on their unique branding :) I was browsing another forum and noticed a brand new provider using a very familiar name. I wasn't sure what to do so I messaged her and advised her that her name wasn't original and that it had been used by a very well known provider for years. She said she would change it but she hasn't at this point. As she's new she has no pics and no website. Therefore if someone does a web search they could very easily think she's someone that she certainly is not. I feel it's a form of plagiarism, and it borders on bait & switch, and gentlemen should be aware that this isn't who they may think it is. Anyways I thought long and hard before posting this, I don't want to cause her trouble but I feel strongly that using another providers name shouldn't be supported or tolerated. Especially when the name belongs to a legend like Brynn Winters.
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1 pointThe part that I like the most is how our special ladies here on Cerb care so much after that door is closed about our well being. In regards to the hug or kiss or both before we leave I feel it's important to me, if nothing happens for sure I will not be back. When that Lady hugs you goodbye with nothing on but her Pearl Necklace it's something you remember for a very long time and for sure I will be knocking on her door when she returns.
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1 pointNever gave this much thought but now that you mention it, I've repeated with just one SP and she alway greets me with a long 'make out' session at the door and then the same before I leave. It a nice touch cause it makes me feel wanted.
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1 point25. The Incall. You finally get your greatest wish. Today's the day you are seeing Alotta Fagina. Sweet Jeebus. You have abstained from fondling your manly bits for 26 hours in anticipation of this glorious event, beating your old record by ... umm... pretty much 26 hours. Man you love your wiener. You have followed all posted rules and etiquette. You booked your appointment by her preferred method of contact, you have the envelope containing the exact amount for your encounter, you have groomed yourself, you smell good, you feel healthy... heck you even went to Alotta's website and purchased a gift card for her from her favourite vendor, Magical Walid's House of Middle Eastern Cheese. You are soooooo good to go. You arrive at the destination five minutes before your appointment and knock on her door at precisely 2:00 pm. You sir, are a rock star. You enter her home. You are now stepping foot into Villa Fagina. It's beautiful. Tastefully decorated, the house is a testament to the woman that you have lusted after since joining CERB. Uh oh. Nerves. You know what happens when the nerves hit. Pee pee. You must make a pee pee. Maintaining your suave demeanour, you saunter over to Alotta and say in your sexiest voice, "Alotta, my glamourous minx, purveyor of pleasures of the flesh, my near naked nymph. I gotta pee. Where's the potty?" Alotta directs you to your destination. You enter the bathroom and come face to face with your personal demon. Her medicine cabinet. What to do. I KNEW I should have read that whole thread. If I open her cabinet, will I be struck down with penis cooties??? Good GODS... what would Old Dog do??? Empowered by his love for the super friends, a spectral image of Old Dog appears straight from his crystal cavern in the depths of downtown Ottawa: You hear an awesomely wicked voice saying, "Open that cabinet and I will give you penis cooties. Use your head. Be a happy hobbyist. Respect her privacy. Oh... and remember to wash your hands really well and put that seat back down after you flush." It's not rocket science. You are at her place of business for a very good reason. That reason is not to invade her privacy - follow her to her boudoir and be happy. Alotta Fagina has given you access to her sensuality, not her stuff. 26. Serial Texting You want to see her. She is soooooooooooooOOOOOoooOOOOOOOoooOOOOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooooo freakin' HAWT. You have everything prepared. You think, "I'm gonna get laid tonight, I'm gonna get laid tonight." You do a happy dance. It's a little disconcerting. Even to you. You stop and vow never to repeat the "anticipating getting laid" dance again. You see she accepts texts. So that's what you do. You: Hey BB (1:39 pm) Her: Oh, hi. (1:41 pm) You: Hey BB (1:42 pm) Her: Oh, Hi again. (1:44 pm) You: Hey BB (1:45 pm) Her: Ummm, Hi again, again. (1:49 pm) You: Hey BB, yer pretty. (1:50 pm) Her: Ummm thanks. (1:55 pm) You: Yer pretty. I have a boner. (1:56 pm) Her: Ummmmm, that's nice. Is there a point you are trying to make. (2:10 pm) You: Yer pretty, I still have a boner. (2:11 pm) Her: Okay. It's nice that that happens for you. Do I know you? (2:42 pm) You: Hey BB. My boner is still there. You have nice boobs. (2:43 pm) Her: I do have nice boobs. Thank you. (3:20 pm) You: I lost my boner but got another one. I like your boobs alot. (3:21 pm) Her: That's really, umm, nice of you to say. You know "alot" is actually two words. Was there something that you needed to ask? (4:12 pm) You: I lost my second boner but got another one again. Yer HAWT. You have a great ass. (4:13 pm) Her: Oh thanks again. Will you please stop sending me texts? (5:22 pm) You: I have my fourth boner. (5:23 pm) You: Why won't you ANSWER me? (5:28 pm) You: You are a boner killer. Wait. It's okay. Number 5 just happened. Please answer. (5:33 pm) You: Hey BB (5:38 pm) You: Hey BB (5:43 pm) You: Hey BB (5:51 pm) You: Hey BB, my boner feels weird. (5:53 pm) You: Hey BB, my boner just collapsed in on itself. (5:56 pm) You: Hey BB, the cat just ate my boner. (5:58 pm) You: Bitch, you ruined my life. (6:01 pm) You: On the upside, I have a mangina now. I am going to steal all your business. (6:02 pm) You: On the downside, my mangina is not feeling that great. I hate you. (6:03 pm) You: Answer ME! (6:04 pm) You: You used your super powers didn't you? (6:05 pm) You: My tummy feels weird. Did you give me some kind of virus? (6:06 pm) You: Dammit. All I want to do is listen the Celine Dion now. (6:07 pm) You: You did this. (6:08pm) You: I'm sorry (6:09 pm) You: This is my last text to you. (6:10 pm) You: No, this is my last text. (6:11 pm) You: :( There we have it. Serial texters get penis cooties and listen to Celine Dion. It's a true fact, as witnessed above.
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