Leaderboard

I really appreciate it when I log on here and see that one of my posts has been thanked or given rep points. It's a positive way of interacting, and it builds community and good feelings. So a big thank you to everyone who acknowledges my work on here, and everyone else's too, and an encouragement to keep up this recognition of each other's contributions!

Wow! So much beauty Missing summer already What sweet dreams are made of Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hello! It's been a super long time since I posted here and today I thought, aw what the hell! My name is Natalie and I am a fun loving, confident young woman who enjoys making genuine connections with lovely people. I have had countless enjoyable experiences over the past year and I can't wait to see what's in store in the future. Outside of being Natalie I have a busy life full of family, music and merriment. However, I do enjoy the time I transform into a vivacious vixen. Though a relatively small window in my day, the one or two gentlemen who get to spend time with me are met with a fiery young lady who sets her sights on what make them tick. I love knowing what makes you you. Do you prefer a woman who takes charge? What do you do for fun? Do you prefer early Fleetwood Mac or their later albums? I am working on a website but in the meantime feel free to check out my Twitter account which is jam packed full of vain selfies and self deprecating anecdotes. Natalie's Twitter Now for the nitty gritty details: Age: 28 Height: 4'11" Weight: 105lbs Hair: Red Eyes: Green Bust: 32B Ass: Amazing Shoes: Size 5 My rates are as follows: 1 hour - 300 90 minutes - 400 2 hours - 500 3 hours - 750 If you've made it this far and would like to meet I would ask that you email me at [email protected] Please provide your Lyla handle, phone number, age, references and a little bit about yourself. The more I know about you, the greater your chance will be of us laughing/yelling about Trump over a glass of red wine. Looking forward to spending time with you! oh, ps. I offer duos with Ella Black at a special rate!!! - Natalie Wood xoxo

Once in a while you come to realize that so many of our members really don't "get" the whole hobby experience, or rather, they understand that there are rules but believe they are somehow exempt. So let's help them. Let's give some handy tips to make this a more wonderful experience for all. This is a pleasant place so let's keep it constructive... and be aware that the rules shouldn't just be for clients, you can also add some helpful tips that may help a new provider too! Here goes: 1. Appointment time is at 2:00 pm, what time do I arrive? Ummmmm. Hmmmmm. What part of 2:00 pm is ambiguous? A 2 o'clock appointment means you are at her door at 2. Not 1:55, not 2:10. It's seems petty but when you screw up her schedule, you may be screwing up MY schedule. I may be the appointment at 3. I have things to do... and my schedule may not be as loosey goosey as yours. I may be using a very small window of time or I may have "commitments" that see me arriving like clockwork elsewhere. Regardless, when the little hand is at 2 and the big hand is at 12, be where you are supposed to be. 2. "I am awesomely wicked good in bed, and I often masturbate to pictures of myself nude, because I am that good looking. Can we negotiate a better rate?" In a word, No. Would you go to a restaurant and say, "I am a really good eater, can I get a better price on that steak?" Would you go to a lawyer and say, "I am an awesome criminal, can you represent me for free?" Would you go to the dentist and say, "My teeth are so bad that you should fix them all for $50!" A service provider gets paid at a set rate because she is a professional. She is good... no, not just good... wickedly awesome good, at what she does. Your part is the compensation, her part is the wicked awesome part. Pay the pretty lady and be happy. 3. Cleanliness is next to godliness. Ever step into an elevator and stand next to someone who smells like they have never met a bar of soap they liked? Ever met someone that looked like they were an extra in the Walking Dead? Have you ever gone into a bathroom after someone and wondered if they ate something dead? Step one. Go to the potty. Do your business. Wipe. Wipe again. Wipe again. and then, wipe again. Do the optical test. Last wipe. Is there any residue? If yes, start over. If no, then proceed to step two. Step Two. Shower. Clean EVERYWHERE. Rinse. Repeat. Did you pay attention to anywhere in particular??? Hmmm??? Go back to those places. Make em sparkle. (at this point I do suggest that artificial glitter is NOT necessary.) Get out of the shower. Towel dry (for pete's sake use a clean towel!)... apply a generous amount of deodorant/anti-perspirant. Brush your teeth. (if additional grooming is required, please do that too.) Step three. Clothing. Go to the place where you keep your clean clothes. No. Not the place where you put the stuff that you THINK you can wear again. The CLEAN clothes. You know that stuff that you just took from the dryer and folded nicely?? That's the stuff. Wear that shit. Uh oh... what if I have to do step one again?? Then repeat ALL the steps. Cuz skidmarks are not sexy. Febreeze showers are not acceptable. 4. I have to cancel, what do I do? Give your head a smack. With a hammer. Stop. Now take a pointy thing and stick it with great force into your upper thigh, avoiding the artery. Now, go to your car. Start it. Open the door, put your foot beneath a tire and have someone put that car in reverse. Cancellations? NOT COOL. We all know that shit happens. A death in the family. A sick kid. Decapitation with farm machinery. Thermonuclear war. Explosion of your planet from a death star ray. That shit is acceptable.... but you still owe the pretty lady an explanation AND a cancellation fee. When you cancel, providers don't eat. When providers don't eat they get distended bellies and look like kids from the CARE commercials. When you cancel, providers give not only you, but also your city, a bad reputation. This makes you masturbate more. Because you will never get laid again. Ever. You will over develop muscles in only one arm. Your clothes will fit poorly. People will figure it out and suspect you are the notorious masturbating king of cancellations. They will hunt you down and kill your family. Let's keep little Bobby and Joanie safe. If you make an appointment, keep that appointment. Your family will love you for it. 5. "I'm a little short on cash. Do you think she will notice if the envelope is a bit short?" In a word, yes. She will also point out that your penis is a bit short.... and that your skill level is a bit short... and that you cry like a bitch when you have your pathetic little man-gasm. Do you want that??? Do YOU WANT THAT, bitch??? Wow. That was a bit over-emphatic. Gonna step away from the computer and take a valium. BACK!!!! Where were we... yes. Shorting your provider. Not COOL. Remember, providers have special powers. They communicate telepathically. As soon as you walk out that door, she will know and so will all of her allies in the super friends. They will combine their superpowers and make sure that you never get wood again.... and if you do, it will be at inappropriate times... like at funerals or family gatherings or when talking to your grandfather or something like that. Seriously?? Give your head a shake. If you are short then GET the money and make sure you have it set aside BEFORE you book. You will have a wickedly awesome good time... just pay the pretty lady what you agreed to and enjoy! 6. Can I pay her in drugs? Hmmmm. Does your banker take drugs in lieu of money? Have you offered Rogers drugs in return for their cable/home phone/cell phone/internet bundle? When you get groceries at Loblaws, do they have a special drawer that says "financial equivalent in drugs?" You know the answer. "No, you addled-pated simpleton." Remember the distended belly part from above? Providers take cash because cash buys groceries, pays bills and looks pretty. Carrying cash will not get you arrested. Using cash is the engine that runs our capitalist society. "All you need is cash, cash is all you need." The Beatles sang that, I think. Your turn....

I love cerb because you introduce us to awesome ladies! I had the pleasure of meeting Penelopebaby while visiting Ottawa recently, and she is definitely a new diamond extending her hospitality for your city. She is a gorgeous spinner that should not be missed. I may have to visit Ottawa again, just for the opportunity for another fantastic encounter...

Hi Everyone! My name is Sadie (fka Skylar Heart)! I'm a petite beauty with booty here to take all your tension & stiffness away. I strive to provide the best experience possible for those who enjoy the finer things in life. I have experience as an exotic dancer and some of you may recognize me from a few of your favourite stripclubs in the Ottawa/Gatineau area!? I'm open-minded, sweet & fun and I love being in the massage industry! I am looking forward to getting you alone & relaxed very soon! I'm Available: ***ON SATURDAY*** Currently from 4pm until 11pm! ****** I'm Also Available This Weekend On: Sunday from 10am until 11:45am & 1:15pm until 4pm! ******************** Please call Vibe at 613 680 8059 to reserve your precious time with me! ********** You can visit my Cerb Profile & see more pictures: HERE! & Check Out My New Recommendations: HERE! & My DUO Recommendation: HERE! xoxo Sadie

only.. thankfully.. much faster and muuuuuch funner! ;)

Additional Comments:

...hehehe nicely played ;) ...one of my favorrrite sayings ;) ...and... well, just because.... bo0o0bs hehe

Here is a list of pointers I have gathered from experience and from reading threads here since I have started this lifestyle. If there is a woman that interest you and she has an ad. Read the ad and follow her instructions. If there is a website listed, please go to it and read what she has written. In most cases, the website has most of the information that you need, so don't waste her time texting her for the information that is already available. When you are ready to contact her, follow her contact instructions. If you text her, don't just say 'Hey' or are you available. Introduce yourself with a full sentence. Tell her a bit about yourself and ask your questions. If you can pm or email her. Do so, you can type in a paragraph introducing yourself and ask your questions and request. After receiving her reply. If you want to book her her, make your request ask to time and confirm the rates. You may want to confirm with her what services she offers. Remember, these services are not guaranteed, YMMV. Once your apt is book. you need to follow her protocol for giving you her address. You may need to confirm your appointment, the same day or several hours before your time. She will give you the address or a location close to her incall. When you get there, you may need to call, and she will give you a buzz code and tell you her room number. Don't be late and don't be too early. Before you show up. You should check your hygiene, make sure you have taken a shower and shaved and brushed your teeth or use mouth wash. Most women do not want you to use a cologne. If you have any allergies to any products, you may want to let her know. I like to kiss, so I usually ask if she kisses, this is usually based on chemistry. Or if she does not kiss at all. When she has let you into her apartment. I usually let her make the first move as to a hug and maybe a kiss. Maybe chat for a few minutes to get comfortable. Place her donation in an envelop where she can see it. If you need a shower, you can ask her or if she ask you take a shower, do so. She has her own way and has met many men already. So I usually let her lead the way. But others may want you to lead the way. You have to adjust to the situation. Take your time to get to know each other. don't rush and don't force her to do anything she doesn't want to. Not every session may go the way you expect. May not have the chemistry or maybe a bad day for her. Nothing is guaranteed. But if you are a gentleman and show her respect, you should have a good time. But if you don't behave you may be shown the door. Remember she is a human being that is sharing a very intimate and personal time with you. Respect her limits. After your time is up. Leave, unless she has asked you to stay a bit longer, because she enjoyed herself. If you both had a good time, hopefully you leave with a nice hug and kiss and a feeling that you return. If you were happy with your session. You should also write her a nice recommendation. This helps her meet new clients and new clients can have confidence that she is the real deal. If I have missed anything, please add to this thread.

know whata mean? (hehe) ...well played sir... well played ;)

<winK><wink> <nudge>.... ;)

Dicovering that the fish and chips at the Barley Mow is really good . Mill Street brew goes well too.

frrrrreaking ooooout! just got some incredible incentive to find help as far s the new house/clinic!!!!!!!! ...okay.. breathe...... *sigh*... okay, I'm (sort of) fine now hehe

in a swimsuit...

whilst summarizing Proust (Monty Python reference :), also about golf..)

Hi there, thank you for checking my ad. You will not be disappointed with my A+++ massage... My name is Vivian. I'm 28 years old. Gorgeous, i am a classy looking Lady with long black hair, seductive cat eyes ...., beautiful silky soft, tanned skin. work out body with all the right curves in the right places. You have finally met your dream girl... I great you at the door with a lovely smile then lead you to the massage room...I will start with a deep soothing tissue massage to relax all your muscles then follow with a soft touch to invigorate your whole body then the fun time ... It will be the most relaxing, creative and passionate session for you ever. So amazing that you cannot help yourself from thinking about it and want to come back for more ! http://www.lyla.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=92146 For relaxing massage $40/30m $50/45m $70/60m appointment only, call/text me at 6l3 7l2 l2OO mon to sat 10am to 7pm

Additional Comments: Additional Comments: Additional Comments: #tanlines!

mods don't always read the posts. Go to shout box archive. It will then give you an edit button to the right of your posts. I can't remember if it gives the option to delete your second post, but you should be able to. Good luck.

scored an amazing food processor at my favorrrrite second hand shop... (I looked at the exact same one in my local 'Cr@p Tire' store.. new is over $140.. I paid a whole $7! hehe gotta love when that happens!) and another awesome mirror for the den ;)

- received a lovely compliment from a 'last minute' and lovely client today <grin> - got honored with a rather special request from a good friend... head hurts from the 'goal-reaching'-issues'.. but all in all.. another good day ;)

That is too tempting, thanks! I may treat myself when my birthday rolls around :)

Watching the US Vice Presidential Debate; 90 minutes of my life that I'll never get back....

I believe the cylinder was from a German car..... any old piston will do, as long as it's ClooneyII's!

Pistons, I trust they were for a German car?

....*CHOMP!*

...very true ;) ...sooo true ;)

All sites and platforms have there pro's and con's and it really depends what it's being used for. As a long time player and the fact due diligence has never been more important than now, I use all of them for research. Twitter is gaining popularity and some folks do prefer review board (s) vs recommendation board and various players use all and some none. There are also various options for advertising for expanded reach. So it really depends on individual goals. Peace MG

A naughty neon wand!

Yes, nice to see some clarity on these seperate yet similar symptoms.... Guess I have delt with extreme stress the best I can, and feel maybe I have been all 3 all my life to the point it feels normal now. Sigh... I find I loose interest, then gain.. Then loose again. I am struggeling with learning to cook and eat alone, as I write this I have tears. As most of you know my love of food. But these days not so much. Even tho I try to invite ppl around me to eat with me .. .atlast there is only one whom I cooked and enjoyed with. So I eat 1/4 of my plate no matter how good it is. Music has gone aside too:( In time I hope to get over this, I have to for my health and wellbeing. My future depends on my health/beauty. Thanks for sharing your story so that I for once can open up too. I am a very private person, so to pubically say this is a big challange for me.

32. You don't bring me flowers... You have met, once again, with the uber lovely Anita Dickens-Hyde. And once again, she lived up to her name. You are sore. If you were a lispy Viking you would be Thor, but that would be sacrilegious to the Odin. Your knees are weak. Your tongue is swollen. Your hips feel like the tin man before he got oiled. You need to hydrate. Anita Dickens-Hyde (honestly, do you get the name??? It's frickin' brilliant) merits more than the envelope full of your shekels... and the gift card from Magic Walid's House of Middle Eastern Cheese. You need to express your affection. You need to express your undying fealty. You need to re-book as soon as possible but you also need to regain strength. What to do... WHAT. TO. DO??? Inspiration. A Eureka moment. If you had a personal soundtrack, a choir of angels would be bellowing out that epiphany sound. You know where she lives... you will send FLOWERS. A dozen,no.... two dozen... no FOUR dozen long stemmed roses... special roses... like the ones picked by trained rose people. Ya... that's it. Ahem. Now you are scared. When the "ahem" sound goes off, it is usually followed by a series of THWACKS. Ahem = bad. THWACK = change thought process. Another epiphany. Maybe, just maybe, sending something to her house would be bad. Maybe, and you are going out on a limb here, maybe she doesn't live there alone. Maybe she lives there with a significant other. He could be a devoted partner, but hates flowers. He especially hates roses. Long stemmed roses may make him kill. AGAIN. He may have penis cootie power. Jeebus. Dead and penis cooties. That'd be awkward. You think, "Maybe I should ONLY give gifts to Anita Dickens-Hyde when I see her." Any spontaneous gifts sent to her home might seem a little, ummm... stalkerish... stalkeresque... stalkerinian. Okay, spontaneous gifts might give her the heeby jeebies. Heeby Jeebies are fatal to the client/provider relationship. Oooooooh, that'd be bad. She'd probably use her super powers and black list you. You'd have to sleep with... yikes. That really hot woman beside you. And by hot, I mean the sweating woman with a mean streak who has been experiencing menopause since she was 23 and who is now 56. Save yourself. Don't send creepy gifts. 33. More alternatives to bacon sandwiches. Ummmm... nope. Can't think of any. 34. The evidence. There is no delicate way to express this. Nope. No sugar coating it. You NEED to ask your provider where to put the one eyed one fingered love glove when you are done. Your latex wiener warmer can not be left willy nilly. Oh... and please. PLEASE. PLEASE!!! Don't flush it. Toilets are meant for other stuff. Like pee. And... um... poo. Sometimes barf. All of the things that toilets are designed to remove. Condoms are a non-soluble solid. They tend to get stuck. Bad things happen when condoms plug a toilet. It impedes the flow of regular toilet stuff from going down. If you flush a condom down the toilet, providers get mad. When they get mad they use super powers. When they use super powers, you get sick and die AND your estate will be billed for the plumber costs. Your family will wonder why you are getting a posthumous plumber's bill and will start to ask questions. They will surmise that you have been doing evil things in other people's toilets. Your soul will remain in limbo and you will surrounded by other uncaring condom flushing ghosts. You will be mocked for an eternity. Your name will be stricken from all family records. You will be a blight on your ancestry... and all because you flushed a condom. 35. I need it .... NOW. You sir, have a boner. You recognize this from the physical evidence and the fact that your mind is incapable of cognitive thought. What to do? Call a provider. YESSSSS. Call a provider. They can ... wait. They are not here now. You have a boner and the provider is not here. Ummmmmmmmm. You have cash. And a boner. You have cash and a boner and a bed. Perfect. Except. No provider. Jeeeeebus. They have super powers. They have super powers cuz Old Dog told me they have super powers. Teleportation... was that on the list???? Acccccck. No. No mention of teleportation. You begin to weep. Okay weeping is a bit too much. Sob. You are sobbing in a "man with a boner" way. Can you drive? Nope. Your boner will not interfere with shifting or steering BUT it will impede your ability to concentrate. Solution? Internet porn. Yup. That's it. Gotta do it. Kleenex. Lotion. Guilt. Gentlemen, planning is your best friend. Providers like a schedule and MAY be available on short notice BUT your best bet is to book well in advance of early onset boner. Planning will train your penis into becoming fiscally responsible. Planning will also train your penis as to the appropriate time to become erect. Inappropriate erections can make you lose friends, family and jobs. Planning can save your emotional well being. Your penis will thank you for it, in the way that penissiessisiisessis give thanks. ... more later....

27. Alternatives to the Bacon Sandwich I was insensitive. I forgot that many providers have religious convictions that may prevent them from providing bacon sandwiches at their incall locations. Alternatives, well. Hmmm. Do you have a friend that might make bacon sandwiches that you could call? That'd work. Steak sandwiches are nice. With caramelized onions and mushrooms, on a soft bun, meat cooked medium rare with a dollop of horseradish mayonnaise. I like that too. Not as much as bacon sandwiches, but if you make up for it by putting a little more effort on the plate, like a sprig of parsley and a few cherry tomatoes, it is almost as good. Vegetarians. Hmmm. I never considered you either. Listen. If you have a friend that will make you bacon sandwiches and put it in a nice sealed thermal bag, I might just take that to go at the end of our encounter. Or you could make butter tarts. I like butter tarts. The butter tart to bacon sandwich equivalency ratio is approximately 12.8 to 1, but I would take an even dozen and call it a deal. Vegans. You are going to make my life difficult. Anything in your fridge will probably make me feign a polite smile and rub my tummy indicating that I am already full. I don't believe that there is a vegan equivalent to any of the aforementioned sandwiches or buttery confections. You might want to consider a new profession... or.... you could offer duos with a bacon lady... that'd work! Just sayin'. 28. The Negotiator You enter a restaurant. Your brain is like Rain Man. You know that you will only eat 84% of your hamburger, 67% of your fries, 92% of your coleslaw and drink 96 % of your coffee. Waste not, want not. You speak to the manager of your restaurant. You ask what the hamburger platter costs replete with a steaming cup of coffee. He quotes you a price, of $10.17, taxes in and excluding gratuity. You balk. You counter offer at $7.82 including gratuity, insisting that the amount of time spent at the table will be less than 14 minutes if the service of the meal comes within 2.4 minutes of your arrival thus allowing the restaurant to serve more customers per hour. You ask to only be served 84% of a hamburger, 18 of the standard 27 french fries, 4.6 ounces of coleslaw and 7.68 ounces of coffee. This seems perfectly reasonable. To. You. The manager politely asks you to leave. Now. GTFO. You get a bit snippy and threaten not to darken his door ever again. He raises an eyebrow, gives his head a slight nod indicating the direction of the door. You see that your negotiating skills have missed their mark on this savvy proprietor. You don't eat that day. The same holds true in the provider world. When the pretty lady says that she offers 1 hour, 2 hour, 4 hour and 8 hour encounters with specific prices attached thereto, you should understand that those are the time allotments and prices that are NON negotiable. You can't get 84% of a BJ. This is a luxury service and frankly, you have an alternative - you can seek someone else with a cheaper rate and more suitable time frames BUT you have to understand. A Camaro is not a Ferrari. A Pinto is not a Benz. A Lada is not a Rolls Royce. You may end up at the same destination with all six, but you know that the ride won't be as smooth and certainly not as memorable. 29. I love you vs I LOVE YOU. Alotta Fagina. Ohhhhhhhh my GOD. Alotta. Fagina. I have seen her like ummmm.... 25 times in the past two months. She is my muse. She makes me happy. She fills my heart with joy. She is perfect. Good heavens. I love her. No. I love bacon sandwiches. I LOVE HER. With all my heart. I LOVE her. She must love me. She must LOVE me. We have had sex like 25 times in the last two months. That's what... 24 more times than I had all of last year with my ex-girlfriend. Granted she was in a coma for 11 of those months, but that's semantics. I LOVE Alotta Fagina. She LOVES me. We will move in together. We can have an island, small at first, like one that holds up the centre support of a train bridge but in time we will have an island in the Caribbean. When I win the lotto. I have a plan. I will make her the happiest woman on the face of the planet. She has made me the happiest man on the face of the planet. <THWACK> WTF! I was expressing my true love, my undying affection. We are in love. <THWACK> Okay, please stop that. I know you are jealous of our deep spiritual connection. You could not possibly understand how much we LOVE one another. <THWACK> Now that hurt. Why did you use a baseball bat? I may have a contusion. Look, just look... you left a mark. How can I explain this to the epicentre of my universe, the apple of my eye... I know, I will say I was defending her honour. That will make her UBER love me even more than she ultra loves me now. This is a dangerous game. You may have affection for providers and providers may have affection for us. That's a natural bond that comes with spending time together but never confuse love for LOVE. You have a paid relationship with a provider that is mutually beneficial, and over time that may make you much closer. I am not saying that it's IMPOSSIBLE that LOVE will blossom, but the most basic principle is that you will find an amazing person to spend your time and money with... and that's the premise that you must keep in mind. Love your provider, respect your provider but when you feel the emotions welling up within you, take a break from your provider and take stock. It might be best for everyone! ... i'm sure that there will be more....

And shave them nuts son. Ain't nobody like sucking on no hairy shit.

Handy 4 step method to tell if you're clean enough for your date. 1) Lick your finger. 2) Rub it around your bunghole. 3) Lick your finger again. 4) Does it taste like shit? - Yes: Get in the shower and wash yo ass boy. You nasty! Go to step 1. - No: You're ready! :-D

24. Humanity This is going to be a mushy one and to that end, it will stand alone. You may have noticed that I use the phrase "I love you" when I speak to many of the providers on the board. This is not casual nor is it capricious; it is heartfelt and honest. When you enter the hobby, you enter with the thought of fulfilling some carnal desires, pleasures of the flesh. As you begin to progress through there are natural bonds that are created. You enjoy the company of the women that you see because they are not just a vessel for your sexual voyage; they are warm, caring and magnificent human beings. I want you to pay particular attention to those last three words. True, this is a service industry and the services provided are fantastic - but you do connect with a person - a magnificent human being that has offered a part of herself to you in a mutually gratifying situation. I am a truly fortunate man. I have built bonds with providers and members here that have surpassed my wildest expectations. I don't go a single day without speaking to at least one person on this board to whom I have said, "I love you." These women may just be an hour or two of fancy to you, but to me they are the most beautiful people in my life... in fact, I might not be here writing this without them. Indulge me, if you will. On Labour Day weekend, 2012, I came home from work on the Friday evening and I wasn't feeling well. By Saturday morning I recognized that I was having a heart issue but having had issues in the past, I put it down to stress and a touch of angina. By Monday I wasn't any better. On Tuesday, a CERB member and a CERB provider came to my house and demanded that I go to emergency; they took me. I was admitted and indeed the stress and angina were a bit more serious than I had imagined. I had, in the preceding 3 days, a level 3 cardiac infarction. In layman's terms - I had a major heart attack. Over the next week in hospital, I had daily visits from a number of providers and members who genuinely care about me. A CERB member left work early to come pick me up on the day of my discharge from hospital. At home, these same members and providers had filled my fridge, filled my prescriptions and helped lift my spirits during my period of recovery. They knew I was not in any financial shape to compensate them in monetary fashion; they did it because they are magnificent human beings. I won't give you the names of these people. I wish I could, but that would be a bit of a disservice. They didn't do it for accolades or compensation, they did it because they cared for me... they love me and they know that I love them. CERB is the ideal venue in that regard. The no-negativity foundation may be frustrating at times - but I will say this: You have no idea of how beautiful the members and providers here are. The physical beauty is a given - the beauty of the person behind that veneer is the hidden treasure on this board. I am not ashamed to state publicly my love for my friends here. I will defend them with every fibre of my fabric. They are providers only by occupation but first and foremost, they are some of the most magnificent human beings that I have ever encountered. If I can only make one visceral statement here, one that comes from my gut... I ask, no... I demand that you treat my loved ones as you would treat your own. I will be back... there is so much more to add!

17. The chance encounter You sir, need new socks. Yes you do. The old socks in your drawer were purchased when Gilligan's Island was a new show on TV. Well, Mr. Frugal, you shall treat yourself to a shopping spree... indeed. Sox-a-palooza. You shall purchase 4 new pairs of socks. You might even get daring and buy a pair that is adorned with argyle... maybe even a stripe. You are a sock buying machine. Where to go. Aha! The mall. And that's where it happens. You see her. Alotta Fagina. The woman that rocked your socks off just last week. OHHHH MY GOD. That's Alotta Fagina. But wait. Alotta Fagina is not alone. Could that be... hmmmmm.... it looks like her... yes.... it has to be.... Mama Fagina, Alotta's mom. And that other woman... also seems to look like Alotta... Good Gods... it's Younger Fagina. You see three Faginas approaching you. What do you do???? The answer my friend is... nothing. In this hobby we have all seen Alotta Fagina. We know that sometimes Faginas need a break. You need to understand that the woman you see in that mall is NOT Ms Fagina now... and unless you know each other in some plausible other way (like being a neighbour, a high school friend, her dentist or first cousin <awkward!!!!>), you will not approach. You probably will give her a bit of a lecherous stare, because you still have testicles... but that is where it has to stop. You'd want her to leave you alone when you are with your non-hobby people; respect that she wants the same as you. Go to the food court, order a bacon sandwich and plan the rest of your sock adventure! 18. I am feeling a little under the weather, but I have a stiffy. Good for you! Now go to the interwebs. Get the provider's number. Call her. Tell her that you are a sick little monkey. Tell her that you can't make your appointment but would love to rebook. Send her an email money transfer with a cancellation fee. Go to the bathroom. Get the box of Kleenex, the bottle of Jergens lotion, and a Dristan. Go back to your computer. Find a website with naked people having sex. Apply Jergens. Wait... wait... wait... grab the kleenex. Now take the Dristan and go have a nap. If you are sick, don't book an appointment. If you have already booked an appointment, reschedule when you don't have the plague. Do not jeopardize the provider's health by showing up sick. When you have an appointment and you are sick, you make the provider sick. When you make the provider sick, she might not be showing symptoms and she might make me sick... and that would be bad for the world. You see I am a very important guy. How important??? You know that Tsunami in Japan a year or so ago??? That was me. Some Japanese guy sold me a faulty Sony TV. If you get me sick... I will make sure that you get penis cooties. You have been warned. 19. The Secret Weapon Gentlemen, we all have a secret weapon. If you are ever unsure about who is scamming, who is photo swapping, who is dangerous and who is to be absolutely avoided, there is only one person to turn to... CERB's own Cowboy Kenny. CK is a genius... and he works for all of us.... all of us except for the forces of evil. CK exposes those who would try to exploit our weakness for the female form and at the same time he protects the fantastic women that do a wickedly awesome job keeping us happy. CK is a superhero. Here's his site: http://www.cowboysdiary.info/wordpress/ ... more to come

13. Rescue Me. You are Prince Valiant. You are Captain Courageous. You are a schmuck. You see a provider and become a regular, and then it dawns on you. I LOVE her. I frickin' love her. I am going to rescue that wanton woman from this life of abject misery and make her an honest woman!!!! I will shower her with stuff I can't afford and leave my wife and kids for her... because I know she loves me. She just had great sex with me, didn't she? (it was great for me, and I am sure once she woke up, it was great for her too!) Schmuck. Schmuck!!! Double Schmuck. You let the "fantasy" take hold of your reality and forgot that what you just shared was something that you just paid for. Over there. On the table. In that unsealed envelope. Providers are verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry good at making you feel fantastic - that's what they do, that's the JOB. Whoops did I just say that? Why yes, yes I did. Forget what you see on TV. Forget what the moral majority says in the propaganda. Providers are real women who live in the real world and the job that they perform provides an income. Many providers could blow you away with their talents outside of CERB. They are interior designers, computer programmers, actors, writers, teachers, health care workers, office managers and artists doing this... so if you THINK you know better, think again. Enjoy the fantasy. If she wants you in her life in another capacity, that's her call... not yours. 14. Did I mention bacon sandwiches? Providers - I know I did mention it but I forgot to add that I like it on lightly toasted white bread. Easy on the butter. Remember that well constructed bacon sandwiches will make you rich. 15. The Menu. Now that we are fully aware that ALL providers wishing to be considered to be ELITE will have a supply of homemade delicious bacon sandwiches at hand, please be aware that there is another menu. You know what I am talking about. The menu is there for your edification and for your adherence. In other words, special orders may not be available, or if they are available, there may be an upcharge. If it's not available, it's just plain not available. Don't push for it, don't try to sneak it in there, don't go there. In short, don't be a dick. Now before you get all whiny like a little bitch that fell in the playground and skinned their knee, think. When you took the time to read the list of services available did it say that she had a penguin suit and was willing to feed you like a mama penguin feeds her chick? (really don't think about that, it's kinda gross.) Did it say that she would use a feather duster to clean your place WITHOUT using her hands??? No... it did not. (but if you find one like that, PM me, cuz that would be interesting to see.) In all cases, Your Mileage May Vary. Nobody (except for me because I am special) gets everything they want. Be happy that you get to spend time with someone that special... because she will rock your world with stuff that is on the menu! 16. Appreciate her. You have just spent time with the MOST incredible woman you have ever met. You are walking on a cloud. She just did things with you that you only dreamed about and you pinch yourself to see if this is all a dream. It's NOT a dream. It's REAL. Why not up the ante a bit? I mean she did make you a bacon sandwich for God's sake. She did things with you that you have wanted to do for eons. She smelled amazing. It is not inappropriate to buy her a little gift. Like a yacht. Or a Ferrari. Or a mansion with a suite that I could live in. Okay... forget the yacht. Why not a little something something for her? Check her website. Many will give you ideas of her tastes. Oh... and say thank you. Mean it. Respect her. If she approves of your review, post it. Let her know that she rocked your world. It's late now... I must sleep.... but we are not done... yet.

Quite right!!!! No wiener pics!!!! Really guys, your little fella may be your pride and joy but frankly she has seen mine and it is so much better than yours, really. Plus it's a known fact that emailing a picture of your penis decreases your sperm count and by exposing it to the internet, you could get a virus. Not a Trojan virus because you didn't wear one when you snapped the pic... you should have worn a condom... and now you will have cooties. Penis cooties. The worst kind of cooties. Penis cooties eat your penis from the inside out. You'll be standing there with a happy Johnson and one day it will just collapse in on itself. Fall off on the floor. Your cat will drag it away and eat it. Then your cat will die. Your kids will hate you due to the fact that you killed the cat. Your wife will leave you for a non penis emailing man because you are now a eunuch. You will have a mangina. Your mangina won't be of much use either because the cooties will eat that too and not in the good way. You will lose your job and become a homeless, penisless, pennyless, rotten mangina cootie freak. You will probably end up being run over by a bus filled with men who have never emailed a picture of their penis to anyone. And you deserve it.

Changing sheets and redoing our makeup is a very small part of our work. Sex work is also emotional labour. Spending 2 hours with one gentleman can be a lot more emotionally draining than spending an hour each with 2 gentlemen. Chemistry would play a huge role here.