R*d B**n

I'll second Cato's comments re Kyra. I'll never forget the spectacular time that she and I shared about a year ago when she was in Ottawa. Too bad she so rarely travels. She's a very special woman.

I'll second that. No need to mess with perfection!

Sometimes my blood runs cold as I read these messages because I see parts of my life being told to me through another lens. It's chilling, to say the least! It's interesting, I just came off a four month stint of counseling during which I did not on one occasion talk about my relationship with my wife or any of the frustrations that I've shared here! It was the strangest thing - I wanted to talk about it, but a part of me felt almost ashamed - a failure. I think I know why, too. I knew that if I opened that door, it would become too real and that I would have no choice but to deal with it. In a sense, I wasn't yet ready to let the genie out of the bottle. Now I've spilled my beans here - on my terms, in a safer space - and it's not as hard to express myself as I thought it would be. And, again, I know why. I knew that talking about my unhappiness would also mean talking about my visits to SPs, etc..., and I did not want to be judged for that. Here I know I will more easily be understood. I'm in a better headspace ever since I posted the message that launched this thread a couple of weeks ago. I've been really grateful for the intelligent and thoughful replies and feel greater control over my circumstances than in a long time. I also feel a lot less alone. I'll keep you folks posted on my trials and tribulations. Something's gotta give at some point!

Hi all - I just wanted to thank all of you for your thoughts. Your input was much appreciated and has helped me enormously in sorting out my thoughts. Dummpy - your points are well taken. Time away with the SO is great idea and is something that my wife and I have tried to on a semi-regular basis in recent years. As it stands, we've not done so for a while, so I'm thinking that it's time that we do so. There's nothing like a few nights in a hotel to get reconnected, so I'm thinking I'll try to arrange something for sooner, rather than later. As for the guilt, I was telling someone in a PM earlier today that it's something that gets the best of me from time to time, but as I reflect on things, I'm equally conscious that the hobbying sustains me. My kids mean to world to me and there's absolutely no way in the world that I want to be the outsider looking in, watching my kids grow up from afar. I find the rewards of the day-to-day to be so great, that I'm (at least for now) prepared to live with the less than satisfactory relationship that my wife and I share. And, it's not as if I haven't told her how I feel. We went for counselling about 4 years ago and about once every six months I point out how frustrated I feel. It makes little difference. My wife is into the kids - that's it. All her affection is directed towards them, with none left over for me. She's admits to it rather matter-of-factly, and seems not to care that I'm unhappy about it (well not enough to change her ways). Having said that, we get on very well most of the time. There are rough days, but we share common values and agree on most things. I suppose that's the main reason why I stick around. I'm certain the alternative (at least for now) is worse. I want to be there for the loose teeth and the tears and the early morning hockey practices and the delight that comes with being in a child's young life. The question is - will a day come when I just simply cant take to loneliness anymore? That's the odd thing. My hobbying is as much about the affection as much as it is about the sex. That's what make CERB so great - it helps fill a void in my life, providing me with the types of contacts that help me get through the rough patches. I thank you all for that. I'm back from the brink and I credit your willingness to share your diverse perspectives (both publicly and privately) as key reasons for keeping me afloat. take care, RB

Ok -to start, I'm a long time lurker here. I've always appreciated and enjoyed the reviews posted by regulars and have taken advantage of them to my benefit on numerous occasions over the past two years. For that, I thank you all. Now, however, I'm reached a crossroads of sorts. I've always struggled with the guilt of my encounters because I'm attached and have two young kids (5 and 7). Having said that, it has been my private encounters with the lovely ladies I've met through CERB that have sustained me in recent months. After yet another argument with my SO on the weekend, I felt something snap within me. Since that time, I just don't know if I can keep up the charade any longer. I want to walk away, but that last thing I want to do is hurt my kids. I've done a great job of gritting my teeth in recent years - sucking it in and avoiding conflict - but I feel so empty and alone, and I just don't know how much longer I can fake it. I don't mean to be a downer, but I'm sharing my frustration because you folks are a precious community to me, and I've met some really fabulous people through this site. I guess I'm just wondering if there are others out there in my shoes? All I care about anymore is my kids. I want to be there for them and would die if I have to be separated from them. Any thoughts on how to cope would be appreciated. thanks and sorry again for being such a downer! RB

thanks - i've found the coordinates and will check it out.

Can anyone recommend for me someone who can give a really good prostate massage?