MightyPen

Just one change: rewire the human brain to remove the common, petty human instinct for tribalism. "Us vs. them." "My stuff is better than your stuff." "Our sports team is better than their sports team." "Our city is better than their city." "Our country is better than their country." "Our religion is better than your religion." If you step back and consider the planet as a whole, these things all look so trivial and ridiculous. We could accomplish so much more if we started working on shared goals, and treated all human beings as part our own very extended family.

Sometimes it feels like this, because I've had so many great experiences in the past few years with SPs and I can't really talk about it to anyone else in my life: And sometimes it feels like this because of all the fun I'm having exploring:

That's a really good question. Chances are, it's going to come up so it's wise to prepare yourself. If you are getting along well with an SP, you'll be sharing some very intimate moments and it's perfectly natural to develop some real affection. But as others have said, the responsibility is on you to keep your feelings in check and remember that this is a professional engagement. (This will be good training for you, since SPs aren't the only case where you need your brain to exert some control over your heart, or else risk making some terrible life decisions. Your feelings are important, but they aren't your exclusive master.) Think of your time with an SP as you might some time with, say, a psychotherapist. You'll be dealing with intimate subjects and in the case of the SP there's some intimate touch. But no matter how much a therapist might legitimately care for you, you wouldn't ask her out or confuse her with a friend or lover. Keep your head on the same way regarding SPs. Just don't clamp down so hard on your feelings that you can't relax and honestly enjoy the time you spend together. Learn to enjoy the feelings that come with intimacy, and yet keep them within healthy boundaries, and you're all set.

I think you're a perfectly normal client and can look forward to some great sessions. A few things I'd recommend to keep in mind as you move forward: - the SP is a professional and her aim is to see that you enjoy yourself. Don't spend any energy wondering "does she think I'm sexy?" or looking for that kind of judgement or validation. Simply go, be as honest and straightforward and open to the experience as you can be, treat your companion with respect and kindness, and enjoy yourself. - since the encounter is free from the need to worry about "does she think I'm hot?", use the opportunity to experience what's possible once that question is out of the way. Talk to your SP, explain your interests and even your anxieties... but not for TOO long. You want to move from the "talking" to "doing" so that you can experience some of the things you've wondered about. - the SP is going to look past your nervousness and self-consciousness. She's not there on a date with you, she's there to provide an experience. Enjoy yourself fully, and take the knowledge and experience you gain from an understanding SP, and carry that into your everyday life to make yourself more confident next time you're on a date. You're one of the luckiest men in the world: you have the wonderful women of CERB ready to meet and guide you a little way along your personal journey. Clean yourself up nicely, pick a lady that interests you, e-mail or PM her and explain your interests and concerns, and go from there. If you arrive clean from tip to toe, treat her honestly and respectfully, and let her lead when you need it, you'll have a wonderful time. Good luck! And have lots and lots of fun.

I don't think you were wrong to ask, though neither do I think she was wrong to decline your request and end the conversation if that's how she was inclined. Presumably she has enough clients who are comfortable meeting her rate without question, that she can afford to screen clients who aren't. It's just one of those human things; you and the SP were simply on different wavelengths and it didn't work out. No harm, no foul, just move on.

I have a whole jumble of thoughts on the subject but I'll just throw a few paragraphs down right now, and maybe return to it later when I can figure out exactly what I want to say. I agree with Old Dog that for many of us, getting the most out of the time and the relationship with an SP means seizing the opportunity to be honest and open about some pretty intimate desires. This means taking a kind of emotional risk and making ourselves at least a little vulnerable. With a good SP partner who can respond with insight and without judgement, it's an enormously healthy encounter. Each visit is a great opportunity to meet our needs for simple intimacy, explore new or familiar places on our own sexual map, or some mix of all of those things. I give the SPs I've been lucky enough to meet enormous credit for their talent in skilfully navigating the dense thickets of people's infinitely varied and sometimes tangled sexuality. That said, I agree with Boomer's reminder that this is a professional skill and talent on the SP's part, and as we know there are limitations on how deeply the participants can truly share themselves. The other thing that comes to my mind when reading OD's post is the sad flip side of the coin: the fact that our conventional relationships don't always (seldom?) afford the opportunities for intimacy and sexual expression we need. And that touches on the nature of marriages and other long-term relationships -- in which a partner's love can be conditional upon our ability to fill a role they require of us, to adopt an expected shape, and to fit inside a particular box. Sexual interests that stray outside that role can threaten the relationship, so they go unexplored, sometimes completely unmentioned. We all have an ideal image of a relationship full of vitality, with open and expressive partners who are keen to go hiking with us to every province of our personal sexual map. But... how often does that happen? How much more often do to people exhaust each other, judge or shame each other, or just lose sexual interest completely? Relationships are complicated, living things. And sometimes when they put the big-ticket, publicly expected parts of a shared life first (house! kids! career! in-laws! conspicuous consumption!), those thick roots and vines end up strangling the more delicate and intimate parts. I haven't expressed my full meaning here, but this is getting long enough as it is. More in another thread, maybe. Oh, and for the record... no, I'm not married. ;) This is less of a personal cry, and more a reflection on how adult relationships really work, rather than what we expected of them when we were kids.

Lassie. Hands down, no question. And now I have two! :)

This will be obscure because this very cool show has just begun its run here in Canada. And for those just starting to watch, this statement will be unfathomable until you've seen it almost all the way to the end of its six-episode first season. But I have huge sympathy for poor Arby/Pietre from Utopia, once you learn the story behind the character: ...and kind of hope he finds his way after the events later in the series. Not so much "cheering on", but "sympathy and understanding". (Here's the show's opening scene, to set the mood for the entire series: )

I can just picture those D&D sessions. Malika's fellow player: "Uh... uhoh. Well, I was a Paladin when we STARTED this adventure."

That's an interesting distinction! I had to stop for a minute to figure out what I think the difference is. "Would't repeat" covers all those simple, "value-neutral" lessons we learned by doing stuff that didn't work out. "Okay, so next time I won't ignore my car's engine light." I think "regrets" in this context covers actions that carried a significant personal cost, either to ourselves or to others. Say, deeply hurting other people who deserved better, or something tragically done or not done for ourselves. They key being that even after the lesson is learned, we feel burdened by the outcome of the error we made, and think differently about ourselves. I've got what I think is my normal human share of regrets, though my awareness of them doesn't darken my view of who I'll be tomorrow.

I'll join the chorus and say that yes, I think it should be legal to obtain assistance with suicide. Why shouldn't we each have a say in how, where, and when we die? At its best this can be a dignified end to a life led well. I've read some material and seen some documentaries about this. The organizations I've read about screen their applicants carefully and will only help those who are terminally ill and are making a clear, informed choice. They won't help people they think are simply depressed, or who are acutely ill but have reasonable hope of a cure or of managing symptoms with pain relief -- that kind of thing. Which raises a next question -- okay, so if we make assisted suicide legal, what limits should we place on access to the service? It makes intuitive sense to me that we should screen out the depressed and the curable, BUT... I'm not sure exactly how I justify screening people out like this and removing the decision from their hands. Who am I to decide someone doesn't qualify for the service? Best I can come up with is, if you're legally competent, you should be able to request assisted suicide. Mental illness would therefore disqualify you, because your decision-making powers aren't really reliable. But then... some might say that choosing suicide in the absence of a terminal, incurable illness automatically qualifies as mental illness. Tricky.

Yeah, my bad -- I definitely dove all the way in there, but didn't mean to grind the discussion to a halt. It would be interesting to hear firsthand from some dating site "consumers" who discovered after a few exchanges that they were dealing with a professional companion rather than a civilian.

Gotta say that going to a shabby place makes me feel shabby. But it doesn't sound like you're really looking for something cheap, just not top-end. That's fine. A neighbourhood that's mature but clean, and a building that shows some age but still feels respectable, is okay. Sorry, that's all so subjective I'm not sure it's useful. ;)

The movie The Sessions says it's okay: As long as you have a healthy, balanced approach to paid companionship I think it's a fantastic and constructive supplement to one's life. If there's a religion or god that disagrees, then I say they've got the problem. Not me.

Dude! :) Let's stick with the meat packer for the moment. You can't really believe that tossing in sick cows is just an innovative approach to business. It's plainly, purely wrong. People could get sick or die. It's freakin' evil. Putting other people's health at risk to protect a profit is purely selfish, and in a really bad way. Let's venture further. Let's say people get sick, and it's traced back to the plant and they have to shut down. Awesome! The market prevails, right? And it's this risk that keeps people from doing the sick-cow thing. No need for abstract ethics. But... no. A thousand times NO. First off, people may be dead; the market isn't going to help them. But even if nobody gets sick, it was innately unethical because each and every time, the owner risked his customers' health dishonestly. That the risk wasn't realized doesn't make it alright. (And if you're not sure about that... let's say I invite you over to my house but, while you're busy studying my art collection, I secretly take out a gun and point it at you. I also roll a die. I promise myself that if I roll a 6, I'll shoot you. I roll the dice ten times and never get a 6. I put the gun and die away. Were my actions ethical because you're still alive?) Businesses, and markets, promote one single, solitary driving imperative: effective behaviour. "Does it make a profit? Then it's okay!" That's not anywhere remotely the same thing as ethical behaviour, unless by coincidence. The market is neither an angel, nor a devil: it's absolutely a-moral. The problem is, lots and lots of people still inexplicably confuse markets and business with angels. If the consumer is informed up front that professionals may respond to ads, then everything is cool. Noboody is lying. But if the site purports otherwise, it's not; people have resorted to outright lies to bait their hook. The site has rules, and everyone should obey them. Even if the consumer knows "professionals may be here trying to scam you", that doesn't make the deceivers' behaviour ethical; they're a problem people must actively avoid, and make the whole site worse for everyone. Similarly, just because I "should" know ahead of time that being in some parts of the city at the wrong time means I might get mugged, that doesn't make the muggers ethical. OH, I could go on! :) However... this is CERB, not r/ethics, so I think I'll probably leave it there. Totally! "Springtime for Hitler". Under the right circumstances, even the most taboo stuff can be hilarious. (Didn't help Roberto Benigni with Life is Beautiful, though, at least with a lot of people. I was one of those who liked the movie a lot.)

Points to you for doing the thankless devil's advocate job! :) As you'll see I disagree, but I don't hold your argument against you. I have to say, though, that I don't think you've at all demonstrated that ethics are relative. Instead, what you've shown is that people will do clearly unethical things for selfish reasons. On the subject of the SP trawling for clients on a dating site, it's clearly unethical; she's engaging with other people under a false premise. Worse, it's messing with at least some people where they're probably the most vulnerable. #1 cardinal rule of life: don't fuck with people's hearts. As an aside: on the subject of weapons, it's a different matter entirely. Weapons are tools, and even lethal weapons can have perfectly ethical uses. Manufacturing a gun is no less ethical than manufacturing a hammer. (This is a different issue from how the distribution of weapons is regulated, something for which I'm a determined advocate.) To elaborate on both cases at once: let's say that a meat factory is functioning up to health code, but sees that a competitor is achieving higher profits by cutting corners and rendering diseased cows along with healthy ones. This puts consumers at terrible risk. If the owner concludes "meh, might as well do it, everyone else is", that doesn't prove that ethics are relative. It proves that the owner is a miserable, greedy son of a bitch, and will do something objectively unethical in the pursuit of a buck. And that's how I would feel about anyone who trawls for paying clients on dating sites. Note: No Nazis had their reputations harmed in the production of this post.

She was a great beauty, and a woman of intelligence who helped create incredibly alluring images imbued with a sense of fun, lively sexiness. Definitely held a special place for me when I was figuring out all thing sexual. Happy birthday, Bettie!

Awesome topic. Also, related question: which "date" you thought went really well was actually a disaster without you realizing it? Like: - you left the SP's place and immediately called your buddies and said "oh yeah, oh yeah, I just banged that girl and I was all, like, bang bang bang and then I went for the kill!" - but in fact, after she closed the door behind you, the SP was thinking "Christ I'm glad that's over. And who the hell WAS that guy?" Then she took a quick shower, returned a call from her sister from that afternoon, worked on a term paper due next week, made a grocery list, then put on a bathrobe and warm fuzzy socks, and curled up to watch the Daily Show while snacking on a pint of Haagen Dasz. They're people, dude.

My favourite Ebert review in recent years was for Battle: Los Angeles, which started and ended like this: In the last few years he'd been writing some deeply personal reflections on is blog and I found some of it quite moving. I could recognize a lot of what he was saying. If you read that stuff, you got to feel like you really knew the guy, at least a bit. He'll be missed.

Oh my god I so completely DISagree. :) I love Brienne in the same way I love Richard Harrow in Boardwalk Empire. Both are people in some way "deformed" with respect to their social surroundings, but forced nonetheless to find some way to survive. And both characters do it by being unsurpassed in killing. I like that Brienne is awkward and ungainly... UNTIL THERE'S A FIGHT. Then she's brutally effective, not like the graceful bobbing and weaving of Syrio, but with skillfully executed brawn that completely overcomes her male opponents on their own terms. She completely disembowels our culture's silly stereotypes of how women are expected and allowed to succeed, and how they are not. Brienne is awesome because she embodies so well the doomed outcast misfit in all of us, struggling to live day to day. :) Same for Richard Harrow. They both break my heart every time. (I know this thread isn't a debate, but I had to throw one post at defending on of my favourite characters.)

We can't forget Skyler from Breaking Bad: and this confused and whiny guy from Homeland who makes terrible decisions left and right, and whose mouth grows smaller and smaller the tenser he gets:

How did Anya get posted and not Joffrey!? :) Also this guy: ... because whenever I see a clip of this show, I just see Nathan Fillion's talents being wasted horribly before my eyes. And also this guy as Maker of Inexplicable and Usually Bad Decisions: But most of all this guy as half-brain psychopath:

Happy birthday, RG!

Breaking Bad is my #1 show, nothing else current comes close. I can't wait for July and the final eight episodes. Game of Thrones has grown on me after my initial skepticism. Happy to have this back for the new season. I just discovered Justified, and caught all the way up over the last month (and the season 4 finale was tonight!).

Thanks ODL, for a heartfelt feeling honestly expressed. It's too bad we're so often discouraged from such honesty. I've had many experiences with SPs, and the vast majority of the time it's a tremendously rewarding experience of real intimacy, openly expressed passion, and mutual caring. Just because the circumstances are artificial and the time has a boundary, doesn't prevent it from being a real and valuable human interaction. I appreciate the talented SPs I've seen for the experience, both while it's happening and for the days afterward when my sense of well-being is so buoyed up. I've been a bit shaken by those same threads on protected vs. unprotected services, and like you I will continue to take great care that my SP companion's boundaries are always respected. I'm really glad I live here in Canada where sex work is legal, and therefore a little more open and a little bit safer for everyone. Let's hope things progress further so that this awesome service can cast off the last shadows and lingering stigma. Then more people can discover its value, and appreciate the striking talents that SPs bring to bear not just on titillating sex, but in satisfying the deep thirst for a healing human touch and gentle intimacy.