MightyPen

I just discovered Louis C.K., and I watched the whole first season of his show Louie over the holidays. One of the show's strengths is that it mixes comedy and poignant drama freely and without signals, and so you're often never sure how to take a scene until it's over. Many times the show had me laughing so long and hard I had to stop and go back over stuff I'd missed for all the noise... !

Hahahaha! I remember reading that book in my teens. And just in case, I made myself memorize the little code phrase that Alan and Benito used to compel any demon they met to do what they said during their journey to the center of Hell: "This is willed where what is willed must be." See... just in case.

It's entirely possible for men and women to be "just friends". But you need to dump the "just"; by itself that word betrays a bias within the question. They're friends. The first step in maintaining a quality friendship between a man and a woman is to recognize that friendship by itself is highly valuable. Sometimes friendship *is* the ultimate and most rewarding relationship for two people; you can't think of it as some kind of lesser, consolation prize you settle for instead of sex. The vast majority of the most important, deepest, and enduring relationships in my life have been friendships, and several of those have been with women. And these were not, if you'll accept my word for it, cases of either party settling for friendship instead of a secretly pined-for sexual relationship. Friendships let you explore each other's minds, attitudes, hopes, fears, and enjoy each other's company foremost as two human beings who just happen to be of different genders. Lifelong friendships endure through all kinds of dramatic changes and transitions, and your friends can know you deeper than lovers through accumulated time and experience. It's a different way of engaging with another, whole person that doesn't depend on scheming to bump crotches together. The video might have produced different results if the people polled were older. As samples go, hyper-hormonal college kids who are just starting to figure themselves out and find their place among social hierarchies is a tad biased.

This is true. In fact at this point I've personally seen more threads about overcoming negativity, or of people succumbing and throwing themselves noisily upon their virtual swords, than I've seen instances of negativity itself. Most of the lamenting posts mention vaguely and broadly that there's been a bunch of something going on, somewhere... but aren't specific. I think this makes the problem seem larger and more persistent than it really is. I'm glad for the statements of determination to keep things positive. But as others have said several times... "let's move on". The best way to keep things positive with each other, is by posting positively. It's a worthy commitment for 2012.

Ha! Sounds great. I'm in. I recommend picking a time in the evening, as many folks probably can't (or won't) access CERB from work in the daytime.

Good on you for posting this, Shymale. You're absolutely right on two levels: a) yes, our past absolutely shapes our present, and it's in adolescence that we usually form the social selves we'll use to navigate the world of other human beings for the rest of our lives. If something goes wrong here, and we don't develop our social instincts, we'll carry that burden until we can finish the development we didn't complete at that age. For the kind of shyness you're talking about, adolescence is exactly the period to examine. You're already halfway there because you've identified some specific issues and events that affected you then, and you've sensed that they've had lasting impact on your relationship to the people around you. b) you're bang on that sharing these ideas with others is one of the steps to moving forward -- partly because it's one way of integrating your inner self back into the community of other people. Writing is a great start because you can think carefully as you get the words down, and then share the whole piece. I feel like writing an "It Gets Better" piece, but for shy people. I had a tough and isolated adolescence too. Very briefly, I promise you that there are lots of people who went through young life feeling separate and alienated in just the way you describe. People who suffered a long string of painful rejections from others they trusted, or who they simply pinned their hopes on, but were met with indifference or cruelty. You're not alone. I recommend that you consider seeing a professional therapist and carrying this conversation further. Seeing a therapist is one way of embracing the desire to change things for the better. If you felt that writing your story down here did you some good, consider the value there might be in talking with someone trained in the human psyche. You may come away seeing old and familiar things differently, and building a plan for change. Then there's a lot of work for YOU carrying out that plan. :) Sorry, can't be avoided. But it really can be done.

Yep, awesome stuff. I first saw that picture last week and it's still heartwarming. What a great picture of pure joy!

Inspiring conversations, mostly about sexuality, with real, thoughtful, experienced, and considerate people. Some of whom I actually get to meet! This isn't the only board on this subject I visit, but it's the only one I post on. What sets CERB apart is its lack of silly posturing, indignant chest-beating, snide backhands, and fits of rage either slow-cooked or flame-roasted. (And I've got to add: the stupid, arrogant, shameful misogyny that this industry seems to bring out in some men who post elsewhere.) CERB sets a considerate rather than confrontational tone, but that doesn't mean we're all timid little mice; just that we can talk about sensitive and complex issues like adults. People can share ideas openly and we can differ respectfully and without feeling threatened. I suppose I should put "mostly" in front of a lot of those. Nothing's perfect. I've only been here intermittently for the last while and I missed some of the recent bumps into the road. When I started to read threads about them I had to go hunting 'til I could finally go "ah, I see." But there are lots of good folks still manning the walls, shouldering tools and working to repair the place (witness this thread!), and I'm thoroughly optimistic, and still completely enjoying my time here. I really value CERB as a place to join in quality conversations about grown-up stuff, especially sexuality. I value that there are men here with all kinds of different experiences and approaches to this industry and their lives. I value even more that there are women here who share things helpfully, frankly, and thoughtfully, with input that's informed by experience, and in a voice that's not solely concerned with constructing the most effective business persona. Within certain practical bounds, I think the women here contribute truthfully, and don't just tell the men (who might be prospective clients) what they want to hear. At least, it seems that way to me. It's because I think my fellow members are being reasonably honest, and thinking before they post, that I find many threads here valuable and meaningful. And that's what keeps me coming back.

No worries. I can't stand scotch, and it aggravates some of my friends who go on at length on the subject. I accept from their reports that I must be missing something full of subtleties and joy, but I just can't drink the stuff -- it makes me gag every time. Kinda the same thing I guess. ;)

Heartfelt BDSM activities that come from within the participants themselves -- as opposed to uncomprehending mimicry of strutting poses and cheap costumes -- is absolutely awesome, and one of the most interesting places to visit in the whole sexual landscape. As long as you're in tune with what you're doing, it's great. And like any other part of sex, it's just one of many places to visit. You don't need to be stuck in BDSM mode 100% of the time, and define your whole sex life by it; you can still get *enormous* value from the experience now and then. BDSM is an amazing way to delve deep into your psyche and trace the threads of your sexual impulses down to their roots. It's the sexual id and ego directly at play. You have to *really* trust someone to do this right, and you need to be in tune with your own feelings and willing to respond to the stirrings of your subconscious, without filtering those feelings to conform to external social convention. I always rejoice a little when I get to share the company of others who are in tune with this side of sexuality, and these encounters (when they've worked well) have been high on the list of my most intense and memorable sexual experiences. I've also had the most amazing conversations with BDSM partners about sex, psychology, and the many different parts of us that makes us who we are. It's not the only place on my sexual map, nor even where I spend most of my time. I like all the other stuff too. But BDSM remains a special out-of-the-way mansion I return to periodically, just to remind myself it's there. And there are *so many rooms* in there... whole wings really... that I haven't explored yet! :) I'm sorry you got a bad reaction when you shared your interests, Malika. Don't worry, your client was probably projecting onto you all kinds of tired clichés about BDSM. His bad reaction wasn't about you, it was about him. Same sympathies to you, Soleil. We all have many "selves" inside us, and who we are at any given instant is a lot about context. The idea that anyone is too THIS to ever be THAT, or that once's you're THAT you can never again be THIS, makes me giggle. People should love you for all your complexity and depth. Best wishes to all.

Breaking Bad (!!! Everyone must watch this !!!) Boardwalk Empire (but my interest is waning) Walking Dead (but my interest is waning) Daily Show/Colbert Report (do these count?)

I was linked to this today and thought it was fantastic. Don't really want to say what it's about, because finding out is kind of the point. Don't read the comments 'til it's over.

Not "at". "In". Wall Street is the prime location. The reckless depravities conducted there are the subject. But the intended audience for the message itself is everyone else. Nobody thinks Wall Street will listen to mere people, let alone change in direct response to the protests. The pattern of action and the eventual use of authority is hopefully: protests -> populace -> government -> Wall Street We'll see whether any of those arrows actually work. Some of the responses here are showing the hurdles faced by even the first one. The most troublesome is that last one; I'm not sure it's even possible for government to really act against the financial sector in the U.S. today. If that's true, and if it ever becomes clear to enough people, the results could -- should -- be more disastrous and much messier than just a financial crisis.

The people who work on Wall Street aren't their target audience; the idea is to signal the population as a whole that "something is very wrong with this country". Wall Street is just a symbolic location. If things change, it's because the population will become aware and active. (I was going to say "aroused" and then thought about where I was posting! :) ) Any time people are agitated enough to give up their comfort and occupy public spaces on this scale, there's a serious social issue at hand. The political class should be taking this expression of public discontent seriously. That's the way change could conceivably happen. But just conceivably. We'll see.

Then you'd be mistaken. See a description of the anarchic organization here, for example: LINK to New York Observer Some of these people are very bright indeed; you do yourself a disservice to underestimate or dismiss them. The protestors aren't a unified group with a single agenda, but I think all would agree that "there are major problems with the current economic system". And they'd be right. Re. organizing to make lots of money: people organize for lots of things besides this. To raise a family, for example, or build a community. When people organize to make money to the exclusion of our collective social obligations, you get the madness of Wall Street and its near-takedown of our society just three years ago. Money-making unchecked moves swiftly from constructive to psychotic. I like the Occupy folks and I respect what they're doing, messy as it is. The story's not over yet, and I'll be watching with interest. And even if I don't participate, it could influence my hopes for the society around me, and how I vote in the next election.

A well-regulated, equal-opportunity free market is a great economic model and can be an effective engine for creating wealth. Problem is, that's not what we have. Money is power, and the powerful have rigged the game to favour those who are already wealthy. They should in theory have been held in check by politicians, but all the politicians are bought and paid for. We can at least be thankful we're in Canada, where the problem is less acute than elsewhere. The Occupy X protests won't change this directly, but they DO serve as a sign that many, many people are deeply upset with the obscene concentration of wealth this rigged game has produced. And they just might prompt change in politics. The NDP and Greens, who seemed dubious and fringe before, might start to look more appealing if they can plug into this mood. To forestall this, even the traditional parties might start to make frantic concessions to real, popular will. For those complaining about a lack of organization and message: the protests themselves are anarchic on purpose. They're protesting a rigged power structure, and so part of the point is not to create yet another traditional power structure which can then be rigged. It's messy, but it's *people*. And of course that prompts derision at first: we're THAT used to hierarchies that we don't know what to make of something that's not organized that way. I personally think that the protests are fantastic: they're an expression of a widespread and extreme discontent. It's just the kind of thing a free society is supposed to produce.

I would have been nine years old. Other than this thread, I have no knowledge of this event or what significance it has. *shrug* We haven't met in person, so I guess technically you can still use that sentence. But now you know... we're out here. ;)

Yup, there's quite a lot of subtle pressure out there to conform to a conventional script. It's not surprising that we've evolved that way, really: survival of the species in the early days required that most people come hard-wired to procreate. Our culture still *mostly* expects people to pair up for that. If you don't fit in, you'll be eased out of the group. As someone else mentioned early on, "pairing up" is the first cultural litmus test. Having kids is the next one. If you don't do these things, there are a lot of people who will instinctively keep their distance. A lot of others will quietly take pity on you. I found this aggravating at first, but have made my peace with it. I just don't fit that mould, and learned this about myself early on -- I'd say around 14. I've been lucky and managed to keep almost all of my friends despite their marriages and my single-ness; they're good friends and fairly openminded. I've had much more grief over the no-kids thing. I simply don't have the instinct; all of that affection and caring-for instinct got transferred to dogs instead. I find *them* hugely rewarding. It's weird when you see how pervasive the social pressures are to live a certain scripted kind of life. Like I said up front, it's not surprising that our genes tend to produce people with brains that are hard-wired for reproducing and fitting in; those in previous generations who lack those instincts haven't passed their genes on. Neither will I. For those who have it, the biological clock *is* real. But many of us didn't come with one at all. We need to find our own path.

1. Dune (1984) The original movie had lots that was great. but lots that was terrible. Two TV miniseries did the story justice, but without the glamorous sets and art direction (and budget) of the movie. I'd love to see a remake that was as lavish as the film, but as comprehensible as the miniseries. 2. Kiss Me Deadly (1955) Film noir teeters on the edge of the modern age. Pulp detective Mike Hammer slugs his way, callous and hamfisted, through black-and-white Los Angeles of the 50s to find a mysterious, highly coveted, and DANGEROUS (!!!) little box. I've always loved this film and its nihilistic, almost apocalyptic ending. Some terrible acting in this low-budget movie, but lots that stuck out and you carry away with you afterward. I'd love to see this with a better budget and modern cinematography. More to come later...

Eraserhead! I saw this back in 1992 or so, and after emerging from the theater said: a) I'm glad I saw that, and b) I'm glad I never have to see that again. I think I'll go add that to the list of movies that should never be remade either. :) Eraserhead is a dark, bizarre nightmare of a movie that defies any description. There's some real genius at work there (David Lynch's first effort), although the end just kind of falls apart into weirdness. I've always described it as a movie everyone should see once, but you'd have to be seriously twisted to watch it a second time. (Caveat: you guessed it. Just last year, I watched it a second time. Seriously twisted.)

The Earth has about 4 billion years left before it plummets into our Sun. But for the last 3 billion of that we'll look like dried-up Mars; all the water evaporates in one billion years as a result of increased solar radiation. In that sense, most of the history of life on our planet has already been written. That's still enough time, mind you, for all of us to die out, all of our cities to be buried, and some new form of life to evolve from some humble form today into new masters of the planet.

I'm actually having some trouble figuring out from Malika's original post just what the client actually said, and how much was Malika's interpretation of a look on the client's face. Makes it hard for me to understand and evaluate exactly what happened. It's enough to know that Malika was left hurt, though, to be pretty sure the guy conducted himself very badly. Barring some kind of arrangement made ahead of time, I certainly don't think an SP should have to conceal her personal belongings so she can present a blank, featureless canvas to her client. If I'd spotted them, I'd have thought Malika's Wiccan trappings were fascinating and could lead to some great conversation. If the place is clean, the woman interesting and engaged, then why would gleaning some personal information interfere with the SP/client experience? Is the guy's image of a sexy woman really so frail and narrow, that it can be shattered by spotting a deck of cards? Yikes. Plus, I have to echo November's comment that it's the height of ego and witless hypocrisy for a guy to show up as a client for a quasi-legal service, and then harangue someone about their morality of their own personal religious choices. Geez! Some people are just thick. Good riddance. Best wishes, Malika -- I hope you have much better experiences, and soon.

It's not just BDSM that can go wrong this way: every aspect of sex (and other things in life) can collapse and tumble into that yawning chasm between expectation and practical reality. For virgins, it's sex, period: it's supposed to go wonderfully and smoothly like in all the movies, but in reality knees and elbows and things start getting in the way. You lean on her long hair and she can't lift her head. You find out you can't actually bend that way, or you're not quite coordinated enough to do THIS and THAT at the same time. It can be frustrating, disappointing, and spoiled. Even for the experienced, it happens commonly with fetishes. Like simple sex is for the virgin, a fetish is an obsession nursed for a lifetime before that moment, with little scenarios lived and re-lived countless times in the fetishist's imagination. You can bring a partner somewhat up to speed with good communication, but some parts of what a fetishist is after can remain mystifying and really, even the most caring partner is unlikely to match the detailed script and knowing ease of fantasy partners. It's something that has to be learned over time, and adapted to fit REAL people instead of fantasies. BDSM falls into the same zone as fetishes of course: it's intimacy carried out in the context of dense symbols and deep, subconscious triggers and meanings. And the solution is the same here as it is for virgins, or fetishists: take it slow, build up an understanding (for you and your partner) of how things really work, and start to adapt your expectations to match what you're learning in real life. Eventually, you build a bridge from your side outward as you acquire practical experience. And you build a bridge from the other side towards you, as you adapt your idealized expectations and incorporate some of the new and exciting real-world stuff you've learned. I think you're bang on, Samantha, that your client was too heavily invested in the other side of the chasm: how things SHOULD be, in an elaborate scenario he had fixed in his mind but wasn't equipped to act out yet. There was no line connecting that, with his present self. Some things you need to LEARN, and can't just do at the drop of a hat. You've gotta take it in little steps until the gap closes from both sides of that gulf.* I've been lucky enough to have eased gently into many of my favourite little pet fantasies, and got all the way to the deep end after a few sessions, with some talented and insightful SPs. Not so much luck through the decades when I've tried things in my "real" relationships, though. * I'm reminded of a friend who, when she had her first child, was distraught that she didn't "get" how to breast-feed the instant she first held her infant son. She figured it out of course, but it didn't happen in that dreamy, effortless perfection that she imagined it would go. This is an issue with LOTS of things besides sex. It's a problem most especially in things that are heavily charged with meaning for us, whatever those things may be.

Well at least now I know what pictures we're talking about! :) Good for you, Athana.