MightyPen

It can absolutely do that, with the right SP. (I think starting with an SP you find here on CERB would be a good idea.) And I think Midnite-Massage is exactly right. Choose an SP who appeals to you, explain to her your situation, and go into the encounter with a positive and honest mindset. Be ready to take things slowly and learn as you go. And communicate, communicate, communicate. If things go well arrange a series of sessions so that you can continue to learn beyond that nervous first encounter. Just remember that your main goal in this case is to learn, to find your feet and grow a little in a way you can carry into your other relationships. There's a real risk of getting overwhelmed by the intense emotional experience of caring sexuality. Be careful to keep your balance. One more thing: be PROUD that you're taking positive action to tackle something you perceive as a hurdle for yourself. Now you have fun, and work, ahead of you. I wish you all the best in both of them!

I'd need to know the specifics of the situation before I could comment. For example, when you said the politician "had to" withdraw his candidacy, was he compelled to withdraw by his party, or did he decide he had no choice, or...? Also, had the politician taken a public position against prostitution while using their services? In this case he'd be a hypocrite and, while the SP would have done herself some harm by coming forward, it might be understandable. Had he physically abused the prostitute? Again, the details matter. If you can remember any more or link to a report, do please share.

I think it can be... not as an end itself, but as a means of helping you to make other, more permanent change in your life that will make you less lonely. Loneliness comes from the absence of people who share in your life. It's not the absence of people -- you can be surrounded by people, even married to someone, and yet still be lonely because they're not truly sharing who you are and what you care about. So the question becomes -- how can you add such people to your life? That can be tough, especially if your experiences to this point have resigned you to your fate; if you don't believe you're capable of emotional intimacy, or you feel you've lost that capacity you once had. Time with an SP is only temporary and brief, but the effects can be long-term. Just spending some time with someone who can be intimate, who can be sexual, who can be focused on you and pay attention to your desires and your body... that's therapeutic. It can remind you that you're capable of that kind of intimacy, and of its importance to you. It can also teach you some lessons about handling yourself in intimate situations -- not just sexual, but in conversation and in interacting with someone in a caring and open way. If you've been afraid of such things the SP can help you overcome those fears. And then you can take those lessons and apply them to your non-SP interactions with people in other parts of your life. So... does a relationship with an SP fix loneliness? Not by itself. But it can be genuinely valuable in equipping you to overcome whatever obstacles are keeping you from finding someone, and which are leading to your loneliness in the first place. Don't look at time with an SP as just a brief respite from the symptoms of the problem -- look at it as a cure for the cause, if you're willing to take the opportunity to learn and then do some work.

Wow. I could write pages, but most of what I would say has already appeared in this thread -- Phaedrus in particular has largely voiced my own impressions. I am really surprised that the bill is so blatantly puritanical and willfully ignorant of the facts on the ground. I think our government is just naturally regressive on social issues and especially sexual issues, but I didn't think they'd take a position that's so empty-headed and counter to the bigger social tide. ("Perverts"? Really? Fuck.) Maybe the prospect of an election tipped the balance -- this will certainly play well to their base. I have no idea what happens next, but I can imagine the thing passing into law as-is, then immediately being challenged. Then a long dark period of several years until that case winds its way through the various courts. Guess we'll see. Berlin: thanks for asking clients to speak up on this issue without necessarily "outing" ourselves. I'd started to do that, but now I'm going to take it more seriously. I can probably do that with less risk than some others (I'm unmarried, for one), so it's a bit easier for me to undertake. But yeah, given the real-world impact of public ignorance that this bill seems to represent, I think it's time for me to shift over to a more consistent life rather than a fractured one, and to speak up more on a subject that's important to me. My part may be small, but I'm going to play it -- smartly. Hugs to all. (Or handshakes and manly backslaps if that's better for you.)

This is a really interesting thread. I've been thinking about it at various points through the day. I really do think that some healthy and capable people are just not "wired" for major relationships with other people. They just don't have the emotional receptors that other people do, and so human interaction is mostly just puzzling and distracting to them. The rewards that most of us associate with interpersonal connection just don't happen for these people. And without the capacity to experience those emotional rewards, adding more people to their lives really wouldn't make them any happier; in fact it would just stress them out. That's a small minority of people, though. Most of us value human relationships because we ache not to be alone in the world. We want people who will participate in our lives so that we form a little community with shared bonds of experience, and upon which we can rely in difficult times. Regarding love vs. acceptance, here's my view: I hope that the people who love me care enough that they will challenge me when they think I'm doing something wrong, and explain their concerns. If I don't have an answer for those concerns, then (hopefully) I'll reconsider my actions. But here's the deal: if I *do* have an answer for the concerns, or if I explain that I understand the risks and I'm comfortable with them, then I hope the people who love me will respect my self-determination enough to let me pursue my chosen path. It's a balance, and can be hard to strike. Finally: it's maybe a useful exercise to ask ourselves two questions on this subject: a) what do you think "love" is? b) why do you think love is important? What do you think is significant about having it, or not having it? Does love, or its absence, affect how you view yourself? I'll go away and formulate my own answers, and post them later.

It's entirely possible to live without love. The effect of such a life varies depending on the person. Human beings are herd animals by nature; our survival as a species has always depended on us working in a group, since none of us alone was faster or stronger than the predators out there. As a result, we've evolved mental processes that make us tend to herd-friendly behaviour. Most of us want the assurance that we have a place in the herd and are connected to our herd-mates. The result is a high psychological value placed on connections to others -- friendship, love, and the validation of the community we belong to. For most people, that makes having love and a connection to other people indispensable. We can be alive without it, but if we do then we sense that our life is lacking an essential quality. Most people when deprived of caring relationships fall into depression. Some people started out inclined that way but circumstances changed them so that they avoid those connections. I can think of a couple of guys I know who were so traumatized by rejections or betrayals in their 20s that they swore off relationships forever. (If you asked them, they would describe the process differently.) Their subsequent relationships with women were superficial and usually brief; they held the women in their lives at arms' length so that they couldn't be hurt. (Again, they would describe what they were doing differently.) They never did find love again, and declare they're quite happy without it. They pour that energy into other pursuits (careers of course, or various collections, cars, technology, and other safe things). They say they are happy and, while I suspect they're missing something, who am I to say their lives are being lived wrong? Just differently and in a way that now works for them. Finally, other people start out wired in such a way that they genuinely don't care about love, or don't have the modules in their brains to experience it. These can be the heavily autistic, some of the mildly autistic, or sociopaths and psychopaths, or people with other psychological makeups that don't have a name or diagnosis. This doesn't necessarily prevent them from being talented and productive. And I think that probably Newton and Tesla fall in there somewhere; people who were so deeply invested in their fields, and reaped such pleasure and other psychological rewards from its pursuit, that nothing else really mattered. Spending time pursuing romance probably would have been a waste of their time. Nothing made them happier and more fulfilled than their work. They lived without love and, overall, I think were as happy as those who do have love in their lives. Just as there are people who are completely asexual and don't miss sex that others find indispensable to happiness, I think there can be healthy people who simply aren't wired to care much about love. (I think speculation that they might have been gay makes too big a leap. I mean, maybe -- we can't know -- but it assumes they must have had some sexuality, and it leaves out the middle ground of "they were just geniuses who were very deeply preoccupied with other things"). People are SO complicated and varied. There's never one answer to what "people" can or can't do, or what they need for their unique happiness.

I get what you're saying. But there are three reasons why I'm cool with lobbing some cash outside our own borders: a) Bang for buck. When people are crushingly poor, even small and cheap improvements can make an enormous difference. Just clean water and a little education, some bags of rice. Maybe a little micro-credit to help people get small self-helping projects off the ground. Relatively tiny sums of money can make a big difference to the lives of a half-dozen, tens, or hundreds of people at a time. b) Budget allocations. I certainly agree we should spend most of Canadians' money taking care of Canadians; but if you've allocated (just making up figures here) 95% of your budget to Canada and its mothers and children, putting 5% aside for the desperate outside our borders seems totally cool to me. We don't have to keep every single crumb of our pie for ourselves. c) Self-interest: Moral and (less compellingly) security and economic payoffs. It makes Canada a good global citizen to help the less fortunate members of our vast human family. I'm not much into absolute "us" and "them"; we're all just lucky to have been born here instead of there. Plus, if we help improve the conditions and prospects for the desperate, then they're less likely to turn to violence to secure any kind of future for themselves. Economic disparity carries real risk. Finally, way down the road, the stable and growing nations that could result from aid make better markets for our stuff than millions of starving people locked in civil wars and food riots. Those last two are my weakest points: to get from subsistence aid to the desperate all the way to stable and peaceful market-nations is a long stretch. But I think it can't hurt to nudge the arc in that direction.

From bottom to top: - It's definitely true that being part of a supportive community means not just hanging out in a corner with your best buddies, but moving through the room and listening to everyone's voice. Folks who are insecure in any community tend to build a fortress of allies, hide behind the walls of their clique, and from there hurl little barbed arrows of disdain and insult. That can be reassuring if you need it, but doesn't make a better community and wastes all of the potential to be found in diversity. It's easy to find reasons to dislike others. It's more work to find the reasons to like other people, especially people who aren't your usual crowd. But it's one of the ways we grow, and helps keep a community strong and healthy. - I use Thanks to acknowledge things that make me smile or laugh, or that say something I already feel. I Nominate posts that make me stop and think, teach me something, or do an especially good job expressing a view that I share. In all cases I click the button primarily for the content and not the author. But it's also true that I'm well-disposed to some familiar faces here on CERB, and that may sometimes tip the balance. But it's never the whole reason.

There are lots of sexy colours (I'm partial to plum myself!), but the raw appeal of black is mostly symbolic and psychological: it's the opposite of white. White is about virginity and passivity. Black is about experience and assertion. Good girl and bad girl. Both have their place, but you can see why guys might ask for black a lot...!

Take care and good luck in your next chapter. Life is change.

Any ladies WD-40 handy? I can NOT get this one thing to budge off this other thing.

Well that pretty much killed the mood.

I really like this question. I don't have a complete answer. But the main thing: seduction is an activity performed upon the mind of the subject, not the body. Everyone's concept of sexuality sits within a complex web of mental associations -- some of them common, some unique. These associations aren't about how sex is done; it's about what sex means to that person. It's about who they think they are sexually, what they desire, what they think sex promises for them, what they'll admit to and what they won't, what they're eager for and what they're afraid of. Tug on those threads, and you trigger deep responses not just about sex but about identity. Seduction is about pulling gently on those threads, and the better you know the person (or can predict them), the more effective the seduction will be. Ultimately you're creating an intensely sexual state of mind. But it's not just about making sex happen, but about making the subject want that sex to happen, so that they invest themselves fully and deeply in what follows.

Gesaffelstein - HATE OR GLORY https://soundcloud.com/gesaffelstein/hate-or-glory Haha: just noticed that the first comment right now is: "If i was a stripper this would be my main song". Also comes in remarkably well done video form:

Yeah, I was going to say "yes, but you had to apply it 14 years ago." :)

Ice cream! But if I wish for Neapolitan, does that count as all three wishes? :(

Well, it's not "everyone" though, that just happens to be the most commonly and publicly discussed form of the SP/client relationship here. There are all kinds of folks here, seeking all kinds of services in all kinds of contexts. Some of those clients lurk rather than post; and some just don't advertise that aspect of their interests. I'm cool if SPs have a voice they can use to call out to that segment of the market, as long as it's within the board's rules. It lets them, and the clients seeking what they're offering, find each other. And that's one of the key functions of the board. My own reaction to the blunter ads varies. Sometimes amusement, sometimes a head shake, sometimes interest if that's the kind of thing I'm in the mood for. Yeah, that language can be ugly coming from clients. But you know what's good about that? The guy's just given away the key to his nature to the whole world, for free. Once you see a guy write that, you've got the measure of him and you know you can dump him from your circle. Sometimes the best thing is to leave people enough rope to hang themselves.

Just to fine-tune that interpretation, I think that the "I'm not racist, but..." prefix demonstrates that the speaker recognizes that other people are racism-sensitive... not that the speaker him/herself is more self-aware. In other words, it shows that they're aware that the environment of conversation is changing... but they still haven't examined their own content. I think one of the hazards of being a good SP is that, in making your clients feel comfortable and safe, you create an environment in which they let slip things they might normally guard from strangers. Also, because they're beginning to feel an intimate bond with you, they want to reinforce that bond with "honest sharing". It's a combination of showing you that they'll let their guard down, and (consciously or unconsciously) testing whether you're on the same team. Trouble is, some people's honest is too honest. Other professions I think suffer from this: doctors, lawyers, and of course psychologists. It's an occupational hazard when dealing with issues that go to your client's core self/identity and internal world.

That's a perfect description of that moment for me. It's the unavoidable realization that "okay, that's it, time to let this go and move on," and I can almost feel the decision spreading through my mind as my neurons adjust themselves. During that period I just keep up a bit of cheerful banter, and make sure my companion knows what a great time I've had in her company. One last hug and a big smile, and then we part (for now).

Yeah, that's a risk. :) But change is life. This new fellow is also from a TV show, but a bit older and rather obscure today I suppose. That's okay. In a little while I expect you'll be used to him and will have forgotten poor Jayne... and maybe it's time for me to let go of Firefly finally. *sniff* EDIT: @Brad: D'oh! :) That didn't take long!

Okay, good point... it's time for a change.

You're right of course. Rhinos are critically endangered. I'm just as dismayed by the killing of elephants for their ivory, particularly because of the elaborate social behaviours elephants exhibit surrounding herd-mates, death, and mourning. Let's amend and Canadian-ize my post: - To avoid an enormous caribou sprinting down my side of the street! You wouldn't believe how often this happens.

To avoid a rhinoceros thundering down my side of the street! You wouldn't believe how often this happens. Also: - to fawn over a good dog - to avoid an infant in a stroller - to greet a friend or sibling - to admire a pretty girl - to throw my cloak down over a puddle for the queen - to pass by a bakery and inhale its scent

Today I'm grateful that I have my two dogs, who are awesome and loving and playful and full of life and happiness. My own life is enormously bigger and better for their companionship. I'm especially grateful because I know our time together is limited by their too-brief lifespan. From time to time I remind myself "this doesn't last forever." And so I'm also grateful to my first dog since, quite a while ago now, that was the very last of many things she helped me understand.

Personally I'd expect to pay the full $200 rate for the extended hour. I see the discounted rates as reserved for clients who book the full period ahead of time, and allow the SP to make her own plans accordingly with full knowledge of what's coming. Otherwise, a client has no incentive to commit to the longer period at the start. He can just be wishy-washy every time and say "meh, I dunno, let's just take it one hour at at time and I'll let you know as we go." Tsk, tsk.