SamanthaEvans

A lolcats version of "don't feed the troll" maybe?

Herewith provided, as a public service, ready when needed . . .

Congratulatoins, RG! You make such a positive contribution to CERB! Keep writing!

Great Untouchables! I'd add Dr. Zhivago and The Maltese Falcon.

What a great question this is. Thank you for asking it! There's no ONE piece that has changed me by itself, but there are several that have helped to form a lot of who I am. Shakespeare's tragedies, particularly Othello and King Lear, have taught me about the pitfalls of pride and how fundamental is our need to be loved. In addition, they're cautionary tales, for me: we never really know what is going on with other people and we need to be careful about assuming too much! Vincent VanGogh's Sunflowers, which he painted many times. I don't like these paintings. I wouldn't hang a print of any of them in my house. But they provoke such a strong, visceral response from me that I have to contemplate them and their message of fading beauty. Michelangelo's Pieta, the sculpture of Mary holding the body of her dead son. This hear-rending image shows the enormity of grief. Though we somehow easily overlook it, Michelangelo made Mary more than double life-size so that she could cradle the life-size Jesus on her lap much as she might have done when he was a child. Profound grief enlarges us. T.S. Eliot's Four Quartets help me put pain and loss into perspective. I am not religious, but the gospels of Mark, Matthew and Luke have helped me to recognize the kinds of things we seek to know about and hear from the people we admire, and also to appreciate how little we may ever understand about them. How context changes the way a story is told is also important. As for music . . . I don't know where to start! Bach. Mozart. Beethoven. Bob Marley. Bob Dylan. Pete Seeger. Leonard Cohen. Joni Mitchell. Holly Near. Adèle. Sometimes Gregorian chant, too!

I agree with Ottawa Lindsay (and gave her a Nomination for it), and I also agree with Elizabeth and Nicolette. Don't put your life on hold for this woman, Castle. She sounds a bit desperate, looking for a port in the storm or for someone to rescue her. She doesn't seem to be in any danger, though. She doesn't want to take responsibility for the situation she's in--a marriage that she may not be happy in plus an affair that may be abusive. You can't help her. She has to help herself. If she wants out of her marriage, well and good. My advice to her would be to spend a year or two raising her son without being in a heavy relationship with anyone so that she can figure out what she really wants and needs in a relationship. She also has no real idea of how her husband would react to her decision to end the marriage. Who gets custody of the child, for example? It could be messy and ugly! What you can offer her is help to leave and move into a safe place of her own, NOT a relationship. She's going to be a different woman a year or so after she ends her marriage, believe me. The struggle to end that relationship and to be solo-parenting most of the time tends to change everyone who does it. Usually for the better, in my experience. Be careful, Castle. You seem like a good guy.

Thanks for the review, WIT. We often forget that, when someone is charged with keeping a bawdy house, the police simultaneously seize the entire contents for the place, some of which may be used as evidence, and all of which may eventually be deemed to be "the proceeds of crime." As proceeds of crime, the state can order the goods to be sold at auction. Any money found on the premises is also deemed to be the proceeds of crime and may be forfeit. In addition, the Crown will frequently seize all bank accounts and the contents of safety deposit boxes--the balances in the accounts and whatever may be found in the safety deposit boxes may also be deemed to be the proceeds of crime. The courts do not always order the sale of the goods, but they can, and, in any case, they will happily hold the goods in storage for years. Also, be sure that the CRA pays attention to these cases, as well, and will generally swoop down on the individuals involved in case they haven't made full declarations of their income. While bank records may match or verify income tax returns, the CRA takes a dim view of money, jewels, gold and silver coins or bars being stored in a safety deposit box, or a safe or vault in one's home. If you do tend to invest in these real things, you will need to provide proof of purchase documents if you want to have any hope of recovering these things if they are seized by the court.

I admire the guts it takes to start talking/emailing one of us. To be open and vulnerable is part of the process, and every man takes a risk when he contacts any of us. We are all beautiful women; the industry demands it. But every man who calls or writes to us knows that beauty is only one aspect of the thing. Really, he wants to like her. Even more, he wants her to like him, but he may feel a lot more like a putz than anyone would know. What if he wants something the companion doesn't do? He doesn't want to offend her, but, frankly, maybe he's had a rough time getting that one special thing, maybe he's never been able to have it. Once he summons his nerve to ask about it, it's hard to hear that she doesn't do it. Maybe she knows someone who does. Maybe she'll consider it after she's met him a time or two. Whatever the case may be, the ball (so to speak) is in her court and he's exposed as a guy who likes, or hopes he will like, that. It's a tough place to be, no question about it. However, on the up-side of things, men who are honest in their vulnerability are wonderfully attractive! Really, they are!

I don't like "busty," either, Berlin. I don't like the sound of it, for one thing. it's not an attractive word, to me. I describe myself as curvy, occasionally voluptuous, sometimes zaftig. I'd like a few more words, too, though! "Comely" is appealing, but not exactly right for this purpose. I never use "buxom." People seem to think it means well-endowed, but it actually meant "obedient" in Middle English. I first encountered this meaning in a medieval English text where the writer noted that "unbuxamnes is a thing that angeles haten" (disobedience is something that angels hate). I can be disarmingly obedient when I choose to be, but I don't think that's evident from the size of my breasts!

The great majority of the clients I've seen have excellent boundaries; I admire this enormously. They know what they want, they're eager to enjoy themselves--and me!--as they pursue it and they keep a clear separation between the rest of their lives and the time they spend with me. Time with a paid companion is less stressful, less demanding and less expensive than having an affair. For a man who just wants some company and some relief that won't threaten his marriage or other relationship, engaging a companion is an excellent option. He can be loving without having to be in love; he can feel admired and desired without having to wonder about where the relationship is going. It's not going anywhere. He can feel as though he's got a very attentive girlfriend without all of the drama, joy and adjustment that having a real girlfriend entails. And if I'm not available when he wants to see me, I might suggest someone else. No girlfriend or mistress is going to do that! :icon_biggrin: The men who recognize and value these things are gems!

Dear ones . . . remember?

I'm very sorry to learn of her death. I didn't know Wendy when I was in Toronto, but I certainly knew of her. She was genuinely inspiring. RIP Wendy

I'm glad that you've understood. Thank you for being thoughtful, honestly engaged and responsible. For whatever it's worth, I'd like to say that this kind of thing did go on, occasionally, on sites like c-r-aigs_list, but it's not something that most of us here would go for. Personally, I have no need to compete with any other companion. There are plenty of men, enough for everyone. What I want is the right kind of client for me and what I have to offer, and I want to be the right companion for him, too. That's a huge part of what screening is about. It's not about how I can earn the most amount of money in the shortest amount of time nor am I keeping score or making comparisons between myself and some other paid companion. I have had clients tell me that they'd been intrigued by someone's advertisement and so they'd had gone to get quick service from ladies who charge much, much less than I do. For whatever reason, they recognized that the experience I provide is incomparably different, and that's what brought them back. The way I look at it, there are times when a chocolate bar and a bottle of cold soda from the corner store is absolutely perfect. And there are times when only fine dining will be adequate for one's needs.

Yes! NEVER!!!

No, I didn't. I didn't know the book existed. I think some of my analysis comes from reading a book called Rape: The Price of Coercive Sexuality which was published in the early 1980s--a long, long time ago. I also did a lot of women's studies courses in university, also a long time ago! Virginity is a social construct, I think. It's not a real, objectively-defined or observable marker, yet our culture, and many others, make a big deal about it because we focus far too much on sexual intercourse as the most important sex act a male/female couple can engage in. But there are many other activities that are passionate and deeply satisfying for both partners, whether simultaneously or by taking turns. None of those activities, however, includes the possibility of pregnancy, and that's the real issue that's underneath everything else. Bill Clinton is not the only one who doesn't think that oral sex, for example, is really sex. As long as we consider procreation to be the only legitimate impetus for sexual contact, we're being very unfair to ourselves and to others. Lesbians and gay men have wonderful sex lives even if neither of the parties has ever had male/female intercourse, or if they don't use dildos or other devices to substitute for what some people consider to be the normal physical requirements for what they might call simulated sex. And then there's the very important issue of gender, too! There are more than two genders. How anyone identifies their gender and how all of us perform gender and in what ways we do it--these are critical issues. But this study, at least as it's reported, seems very limited.

I agree with Sky: sexist, racisit and heteronormative. I would also add: Western and that it ignores the role of patriarchy plays in women's sexuality and availability. I think that one key issue the report overlooks is who makes the rules about the value of sex and why they make them. Women are not necessarily the ones who "restrain sex." Limiting women's sexual activity serves particular societal and cultural norms. Women's virginity is an issue in many cultures and its value is reinforced by religious norms. But the real value of virginity as a selling-point in such cultures is that a potential husband can be assured that his new bride will not be pregnant by any other man nor will she have any sexually transmissible infections. The enforcement of women's monogamy is always about guaranteeing the paternity of offspring which, in turn, is about ensuring that property and assets will only be inherited by the children of the same man or by his blood relations. Considerations related to women's sexual orientation, sexual preferences and desires have no place in this system because women do not, in effect, own their own bodies or their sexuality. Women do not necessarily make decisions, as a group, about when to have sex or with whom. Those decisions are not made because of women's preferences, but because of cultural norms. It seems to me that the researchers may not have been asking the best questions. If they had asked, for example, about women's financial independence and their access to safe, inexpensive and reliable forms of birth control (and abortions when required), the results of the study may have been more realistic. I also wonder whether, when asking about what women receive in exchange for sex, they asked about things like personal security. Women exchange sex (or marry) for some kinds of status, to be sure, but also for security and safety--that is, for protection from other men, protection for their children and security in the event that their male partners may become disabled or die before they do.

Chanel, Boomer and Mrrnice2, I'm very sorry for your loss. The death of a parent is hard. The death of a spouse is just as hard or harder. I hope that each of you is finding peace, comfort and light. I've no doubt that you don't remember everything that happened at the funeral, and that you don't mind not knowing all the people who attended. That the people were there was likely a great comfort for you. One of my concerns, as a paid companion, is that many people who are not bereaved family and very close friends are sometimes uncharitable. Yes, they care about the one who has died, and their family. But their curiosity and imaginations are also working in fine form and too often incline in darker, more suspicious directions. Moreover, very good men often have secrets that others have helped to conceal or ignore. While I can't do anything about other secrets in someone's life, I can take steps to reduce the likelihood that I may be associated with such things. I will protect my client's privacy, and my own,even if it might seem that I'm being more diligent than I might need to be. It's just a personal judgment call, for me. It's my way of honouring someone who has been a part of my life.

Precious, it sounds like you've got a good handle on what happened in this relationship. You seem like a smart and thoughtful woman; I'm sure you're okay and that you'll do well. One thing that concerns me a little bit is this. You said, If what you mean is that you feel you're able to put your client's desires at the centre of the dynamic between you, that's terrific. It's what we should be doing: our clients are paying for us to attend to them in many ways. But if what you mean is that you think you're really able to have little regard for yourself generally . . . well that raises a flag for me. Some clients--not very many, but a few--have very little regard for us as individual people. They may see us as services, experiences or merchandise. If we don't have considerable self-regard, things can get ugly, fast. Not necessarily violent, but degrading. My experience is that this is quite rare. The men I see are good guys who want both of us to have fun. But some people.... some people aren't able to recognize others as more than servants for their own desires. This is narcissism. Narcissists feast on others who for whatever reason sacrifice their own self-regard. Personally, I have a very strong sense of myself. I know who I am, I know what I have to offer. I know my strengths and I am abundantly aware of my limitations. I am not the right companion for everyone who contacts me. Many of them are not the right clients for me, but they will very likely be terrific clients for someone else. I have a very strong sense of boundaries. (At times, this can be a problem in my personal life, where I may have trouble lowering my guard, but it is an asset in my working life.) I will not do anything that makes me feel demeaned or that violates my principles or ethics, no matter how much someone offers to pay me. Some find me to be arrogant, vain and egotistical, while I, on the other hand, usually experience those people as unduly controlling and self-centered. It is not my job to try to change anyone, and it is not my function to change myself for them, either. I believe that my strength is a big part of what makes me successful. Clients have no need to worry that I will become needy, demanding or dependent in any way. I am not a threat to them, their security, their privacy or their families because I want only what they want: to exchange some time, some pleasure, some play and a good dose of passion, for some money. Period.

Here's one I posted about six months ago. A true story. "Mute."

I've never dated clients. When I started out in this business, I wasn't looking for a dating relationship or a personal, couple-type involvement with anyone. My focus was on my children. From my standpoint, some of the best things about this work were that I had plenty of time for my kids; I was able to provide for them properly; and I was able to spend "adult" time with some very fine, considerate gentlemen whose company I honestly enjoyed such that some of my needs as an adult woman were nicely satisfied--which was not what I'd expected, at all. I enjoy my out of town clients a great deal because we can create a dating fantasy together, knowing all the while that he's leaving in a day or two, or in the morning. There are no strings or attachment points. We can spend the day, the afternoon or the evening roaming around the city, going to dinner in a great restaurant, walking around English Bay or on the Seawall, laughing, talking and playing happily before we retire to his hotel. We're both on our best behaviour and we have a wonderful time, including the bittersweet parting. Fun!

I agree with everyone else: you did the right thing. I'm glad that you followed your intuition. Nothing is more important for a companion than to have a well-developed sense of intuition and to be able to follow it. More than anything else, your intuition will keep you--and your clients--safe. I am fond of many of my clients. I'm not ashamed of that, at all. I know myself: I am sensitive and emotional; I also have an absolute, strong need to be as honest with people in my life as I can be while maintaining a very firm boundary between my work and my personal life, between Samantha and me, the woman who is not her. Some aspects of the pre-screening I do with potential clients are less my physical safety than about my emotional and psychological safety. For example, if a man reminds me of someone in my past or present life and I'm uncomfortable with that, I won't meet with him. (Disclosure: I was an abused woman and I grew up in an abusive family. I know what triggers I need to avoid, even when the other person is unknowingly setting them off. That is, this is about me, not about them.) In some ways, I liken what I do to the kinds of relationships therapists have with their clients. They're involved with their clients, they know them at an intimate level and, when things are going well, are trusted with the client's vulnerabilities and frailties. At the same time, their own lives, histories, stories, experiences and personal frailties are not features in the relationship. They are there to support and explore the client's needs, not their own, beyond the contractual aspects. What clients do, how they feel, what they say, the stories they tell--all of those things touch the therapist, sometimes profoundly. Nevertheless, these things arise in the context of a dynamic where confidentiality is so essential that it can't be broken for any reason unless the therapist's personal safety and well-being is at stake. (The safety and well-being of children with whom the client has contact must take first priority, but that's not germane in the SP/client dynamic.) Maintaining good boundaries is as essential for paid companions as it is for therapists. To stay healthy, we need to be able to "turn off" being a companion at the end of the work-day, so to speak. While things we read, hear about, see or think at other times may inform what we do when we're working, if we carry our clients with us into every aspect of our non-working lives, unhealthy things start to happen. Our "real self" and our "companion self" become blurred. We may become emotionally or psychologically needy; we may start to build up expectations about the client that go beyond agreed-upon things like payment of fees, activities that we will or will not do, and safety considerations such as the use of condoms. We may also feel obligated to be available to clients in ways that do not pertain to a healthy, well-defined client relationship, such as taking their calls at all hours of the day and night; allowing them to make frequent, last-minute appointments (if this is not an aspect of our usual business model); cancelling commitments to family, friends and/or other clients in order to accommodate the client's requests; and perhaps even relaxing the boundaries of our work, such as having erotic contact in public places (which is illegal) when this is not an option that we've provided before; or taking risks such as providing bareback services when that has not been a feature of our regular work; or venturing into nknown areas and activities unsafely, such as experimenting with drugs with clients. One of the seductions about our profession is that, if a woman thinks things through carefully and is able to provide top-notch service enthusiastically, and if she knows her market and how to appeal to it, she can make a considerable amount of money in a relatively short period of time. While most of us come into this profession because we have had a sudden need to earn a significant amount of money, once that need has been addressed and the related crises have been averted, we need to attend to our personal health and well-being in the form of making some sober, well-thought-out decisions about the amount of money we really need to earn and the number of clients we can reasonably see in the longer term. We also need to make firm decisions about how we will spend our non-working time. Every companion should have meaningful things to do when not meeting clients, answering e-mail, writing ads and working on her website. The paid companions who are passionate about non-work things in their lives maintain the best work-life balance and are best able to work, or retire, in strong and healthy ways. I'm apologize if it seems that I'm preaching or lecturing or acting like a Mom! That's not my intention. What I really want to say is that, if you think that you had developed some needs and expectations that are outside the usual boundaries, I hope you'll pay attention to those. This can be one of the loneliest professions there is. Perhaps you were lonely and wanted to build a friendship with someone. Maybe you hadn't found ways to care for yourself and your real, human needs, but found that this particular client fulfilled some of those for you. It might be that you had been over-working and had become overtired and found that you could rest and relax in this man's company. It's possible that your real needs for affirmation, confirmation and support have been lacking in your own life and you might have gotten a little over-invested in the positive feedback and compliments he gave you--that is, your ego got hooked a little too much. It might even be that he made you feel needed and important when you hadn't been feeling that way in the rest of your life. If you can figure out what you may have needed from him, I'm sure you'll also be able to identify healthier ways to find those things outside of your work. The last thing I want to say is that paid companions and clients do sometimes form genuine, durable, deeply loving and lasting relationships. Of course they do. We're human beings. But when this happens, in most cases I have known, the parties start over. He stops paying her or giving her money. She begins to involve him in her "real" life, and he involves her in his. They get to know each other as two people, as equals. Often, when this happens, the big issue they face will have to do with her work. Most men do not share their partners easily. She may need to retire or they may need to find ways to separate her profession from the realities of who she is as a woman, a partner and a friend. This may not be easy, but it does happen. I, for one, will not disparage anyone for building more love in this world. You did the right thing with your client. Be proud of yourself! And be careful. Stay safe. With respect and affection, Sam

It's heartening to read these posts about how welcome SPs would be at many of the gentlemen's funerals. Seriously, you've lifted my spirit considerably because one of the difficult things about being in this business is always having to be so private, so discreet, so attentive to confidentiality matters that we must virtually erase ourselves from clients' lives. Just knowing that the posters, above, recognize the importance of marking important people in our lives and finding closure when they pass away, makes a big difference to me. Of course, context is everything. I would be very cautious about my presence and behaviour if the client's spouse is still alive: as far as I'm concerned, whatever passed between me and her husband is not about her, and I am not a threat to anyone's marriage--though she would probably feel otherwise--and I would not want to compound her loss or add to her grief.

Garlic. Garlic is awesome, all by itself. Sauteéd garlic with some onion and a few herbs is the beginning of many more awesome things!

One of my favourite, long-standing clients died recently. I wrote about that, here. I will attend the funeral because he was well-known in Vancouver. The funeral will be held in a church; many people are expected to attend. The question about whether it's okay for a paid companion to go to a client's funeral has come up before, but it's been a couple of years since we had that discussion. In case it might be useful, helpful or reassuring to anyone on the board, I'm re-opening the topic. I apologize in advance for the length of this post! In the other part of my life, some time ago, I seriously considered becoming a funeral director because, for various reasons, I'd worked closely with quite a few funeral homes. I also used to do volunteer work with a hospice and ve attended many dozens of funerals over the last 20 years or so. I'm writing from that experience. When someone dies, the very best, and very worst, aspects of their relationships with family and friends are likely to be in the spotlight. Families always want to be seen as normal, unremarkable, with no secrets or scandals to be noticed. Unfortunately, most families are not so ordinary. Everyone has secrets and some of them may not go to the grave with us despite our best efforts to conceal them. You can always call the funeral home and ask how many people they're expecting to attend the service. They'll tell you if it's just going to be a small, private family service, or if they're expecting a couple of hundred people. Funeral homes are asked this very question several times a day. Estranged family members, former spouses and other people who have had a difficult relationship with the deceased, or with members of his/her family, often call the funeral home and ask this question. There's no need to feel conspicuous or awkward for asking! Most funeral directors take seriously their value as an intermediary between the bereaved family and others. Unless the deceased person is quite elderly, or has been shut-in for a long, long time, or had a disability that seriously restricted their ability to be out in the world, funeral services often have a wide variety of people attending. They don't all know each other. Many people will be there who may hardly know the deceased, but have accompanied their spouse or a friend who did know him/her. There is often a "viewing" or a gathering before the actual funeral. Depending on who the deceased person was, how long they've lived in their community and how well-known they were, there may be a couple of these gatherings. One may be held the evening before the funeral, for example, or a couple of hours before the funeral itself. These gatherings take the place of wakes which were commonly held many years ago. They tend to be small and quiet. People who have known the deceased person have an opportunity to go to the funeral home, or in some cases, the church, view the body and spend a few moments in quiet reflection. Family members are usually present at these viewings. Many people who knew the deceased person very well are likely to attend. There may be food and drinks available. People will have informal conversations about the deceased person, sharing memories and talking about how he or she affected their lives. It is very difficult to be inconspicuous at one of these gatherings, and so, as a paid companion, I would never attend. My presence is only likely to raise questions for the family and friends; that would be a violation of confidentiality. If, however, the deceased person is very famous, or a head of state or, say, a current or former provincial premier, and there is a large public viewing where potentially hundreds of people may attend to pay their respects, I would probably be one of the people in the crowd. If the service is being held in a church, there will usually be a lot of people there. If the whole service is being held at the graveside, fewer people will attend. Personally, I would not attend a graveside funeral for a client because those awkward scenes in movies where someone unexpectedly shows up at the graveside service are, sadly, fairly realistic. I have been at several graveside services where someone unexpected arrived; it would not be appropriate for me to cause consternation or worry for the family by attending this more private kind of memorial. On the day of the funeral, if the deceased died suddenly and unexpectedly, or if their death was violent, it would be unusual for members of the family to be greeting people at the door of the funeral home or church when people arrive. If the deceased had been ill for a long time and was on good terms with his/her family, it's more likely that family members will be greeting people when they arrive. You might need to make a judgment call about this, but it would be unusual for anyone greeting folks as they arrive to ask questions about why someone is there. There's usually a guest book available for signing. I wouldn't sign it, if I was at a funeral for a client. There's often a gathering after the service, too. I wouldn't attend because this is another time when questions about how someone knows the deceased would be most likely to be asked. I also wouldn't go to the burial if it's happening after the service. Again, most of the people who attend the service won't go to the graveyard, so there's nothing conspicuous about staying away. Going, however, could raise questions. But if there will be more than about 80 people at the funeral, to arrive at the funeral home or church only a couple of minutes before the service starts, to sit near the back of the chapel or church and to leave when it's over, shouldn't be a problem. Other people will do the same thing for different reasons. When I attend my client's funeral, I will dress inconspicuously. I will not wear all black, though I may wear a black dress with a coloured jacket over it. I do not want to appear to be in grief or significantly mourning my friend because I do not want to call attention to myself. I may sign the guest book if it there are more than about 200 people at the funeral. Otherwise, I won't. If I do sign it, I will sign it in my own name. Samantha will not be at the service. If anyone asks me how I knew the man who died, I will give a vague answer along the lines of having worked with him on a project a few years ago. I may say that he gave me some good advice that has made a lot of difference in my life and so I wanted to pay my respects. It's important to recognize that by not saying anything or by declining to answer the question,I draw more attention than if I give this kind of bland reply. I have to take seriously the fact that I do not know this man's family and friends and that I am an attractive woman who is at the funeral by myself. Unfortunately, people being as they are, there is often a group of people hoping, secretly or not so secretly, that something exciting or titillating may be revealed about the deceased. I do not want to give anyone the impression that I may have been one of the man's secrets. I can't ask my partner to attend the funeral with me because, of course, he doesn't know that this man was a client of mine. I'm sure that the common-sense value of much of what I've written, here, is evident. More than anything, I hope that everyone, particularly my sister companions, will simply take the time to think things through. The loss of a client through death is a serious and important event. We are all entitled to our sorrow and to find appropriate ways to mark their passing.

Wait! We need cake! So, I made this one myself (fingers crossed behind my back). And, okay, I got a little carried away with the candles, but they look so pretty and who doesn't need a bit more light in this world? Blessings to you!