Old Dog

3. The Man Cold The Man Cold is devastating. Millions of men suffer the intolerable cruelty of the Man Cold every year and yet, no research money is ever devoted to fight this dreadful pox upon my people. We tried to have a marathon to raise money, but sadly, an outbreak of Man Cold emerged and nearly killed all of the runners. Historic fact: By August 1945, the USA had developed two weapons to drop on Japan in an effort to end the Second World War - the Atom Bomb and the Man Cold Bomb. President Truman decided that the Atom Bomb was the solution, he said, and I quote, "If we drop the Man Cold bomb on the Japanese, we will end one war and begin another. No other nation would ever trust us again. The Man Cold bomb must NEVER be used. The Atom bomb will kill thousand of Japanese civilians; the Man Cold bomb will make them suffer abject misery forever." Do you understand??? People chose atomic weapons OVER the Man Cold because they were being good hearted. It's just that bad. So please, when you see us suffering the indignity of the Man Cold, treat us gently. Bring us single malt scotch, bacon sandwiches and occasionally grant us the relief of oral sex every 4-6 hours. It's not much to ask to ease our suffering. 4. Directions There is an instinctive aversion to ask for directions based again on sound historical footing. Moses. Remember Moses? Old guy in a toga with a long curly beard, kinda looked like Charlton Heston??? That guy. Moses had freed the Israelites. They were headed to the promised land. He had a good idea where he was headed. Then Mrs Moses and her sister in law, Mrs Joshua went up to Moses and said, "Why don't you ask the nice Egyptian man over there if he knows the way?" Moses, was a people pleaser. So he asked. And you know what? The Egyptian guy was an asshole. He sent them the wrong way. The wandered in the wilderness for 40 frickin' years, because Moses the people pleaser, Moses the listener, asked for directions. Then there was Napoleon... little guy always scratching his tummy. Napoleon wanted to take his guys on vacation. He stopped and asked another Egyptian which was the way to the beach. The Egyptian guy gave him directions. Napoleon ended up in Russia. In winter. Facing angry Russians. With bellies full of vodka and sticks up their butts. All of Napoleons guys died except for the few pissed off guys that came back to France with him. Napoleon asked for directions. Amelia Earhart asked for directions. The natives, counselled by an Egyptian, sent her to someplace that didn't have gas for airplanes, attacked her and ate her. Bad things happen when you ask for directions. BAD. THINGS. That's why we have natural pathfinding skills. We are instinctive. We have a secret GPS. And we never trust Egyptians.

Ladies... we are not that complicated. Really we aren't. Much like the Happy Hobbyist thread, I hope we can dispel some of the unknown mysteries of manhood... stuff that you may or may not have difficulty in grasping.... So here goes. 1. Answering Questions Men, as stated before, are not complicated. In fact, we are rather simple. Painfully so. Rather like rocks. Rocks that get excited by the sight of naked women. Frankly, when you ask us questions, we go into panic mode. Panic. Sheer terror. Don't get me wrong, it's not that we don't know the answer to things you ask, we just don't know that answer that can't be interpreted by you to cause tears or anger. Simple questions. Really simple questions. "What do you want for breakfast?" Ummmmm... if I say bacon, I am being insensitive to the needs of slaughterhouse pigs, her need to maintain a fat free diet, her Jewish friend Sarah that may drop over today, and to the mess that bacon causes in the kitchen. But I like bacon. I say, "bacon."... and she's okay with that. Whew. and then I say, "... and eggs." And that's when the tears come. I have no idea why eggs cause tears but they do. Now I figure that bacon and eggs are a natural combination. When I say "eggs" she believes that there is an ulterior motive. Like an affair. With an egg merchant's daughter. A younger, prettier egg merchant's daughter. That I have NEVER met. But because I have said "eggs", I won't have sex with my SO for a month. I am just glad that I didn't ask for orange juice. Men, well we say things because ummmm... it's what pops into our heads. There's no deeper meaning. Remember the "simple" part. That's us. It comes with a penis and testicles. Standard equipment. We selfishly answer simple questions with simple answers. 2. The Toilet Seat Men have the option of either sitting or standing to pee. It's one of the glories of being a man. We can step back a few paces and let a glorious golden arc escape us and giggle with manly glee that we hit a porcelain bowl dead in the centre with the acumen of ancient archers. We have been educated for years by our matriarchs that peeing on the seat is inappropriate. So we walk over and carefully LIFT the SEAT. We CHECK TO SEE WHETHER the SEAT IS UP. We use our man hands and manipulate the seat to a position that will accommodate our urinary delight. The seat is often callously left in the seated position by those who have tread before us. Undaunted, and in consideration of others we do not pee while the seat is in the down position. No. We check the seat position and lift it. See the theme? Ladies. You have eyes. You have lady hands. Manipulate that seat to the down position when you have to go pee. I know you can do it. You don't need to plunge your lady bits into an abyss of icy cold aquatic hell... check the seat position... like we do ... EVERY TIME WE PEE. more to come...

Pumpkin Pie Ice Cream Late night visits Red from Chicago Silly conversations that make people laugh Field trips to the SC My kids

Tonight it was beef tenderloin on rosemary buns... that sounds kinda hot.

Apple Crumble!!!

Wow.... that was amazing Amelia.... Ummmmm... Yellow cake made with some of them fancy x grapes?

Ummmm... damn. Happy birthday RF... you go get naked... just stay ahead of me....

Vanilla butter cookies

Yup. June 22nd for us. By the time they actually settle this, the new contract we sign will be in its final year and then we'll have to start the whole damn process again.

Waiting for a contract settlement VERY patiently for the last 3 years, knowing that the outcome will be an enormous back pay cheque and then discovering that the union is getting nitpicky about wordings that mean nothing to practically everyone covered by the contract proposal.

Why is it that there is a debate about whether the G spot exists or not? Clearly it does....

ummmmmm Oatmeal cookies?

Just got off the phone with an amazing woman from Los Angeles.... there is indeed a road trip in the works!

Shannon has been a great contributor... plus she has red hair and nice boobs... two HUGE pluses!