Old Dog

Well I wasn't touching my penis. I promise. I mean I did have to move back into place when it fell from my boxers but that's not really touching, that's just requisite readjusting. Now I feel so, dirty. Yes, I did wash my hands before I started typing. No, I did not touch my penis when I went to the washroom to wash my hands. Okay, I did have to pee. So TECHNICALLY I did touch my penis twice within the confines of this post. Okay I did shake it more than once. But not in a quirky kinda against the rules of the Roman Catholic Church kinda shake. It was a firm, "begone vile dribbles of pee" kinda shake. And the shake was firm not the penis. So technically I did adjust my penis twice and take it out once and shake it about 14 times in the middle of this post. BUT I WASHED MY HANDS. So it's all good. So if you really wanted to know what I was doing... I was searching for porn. And that does not help my credibility in the slightest....

It can be chat. It can be a long diatribe about an issue. It can be infuriating. It can also be insightful. There are some amazing voices there. There are also a few voices that you follow only for the briefest of times. Twitter is the one tool that you can customize to see what you want or need to see while dismissing the drivel. At its best, Twitter can be a way to connect with people with similar views and dissimilar approaches. It's a tool to reach out and find other people that resonate your thoughts. At its worst it can be a hashtag manifesto that excludes and silences critics. The best way to enjoy Twitter? Allies. Friends. Follow people that you know and that you respect. Follow the people that they may follow. And ohhh... @LeeRichards2012 is as crazy as a bag of ADHD squirrels. Follow at your own risk.

RG... it now goes to the Standing Committee on Justice and Human Rights (JUST). The committee will meet whenever scheduled - we are not privy to it at the present time. Silver lining??? The vice chairs of the committee are Françoise Boivin (NDP) Gatineau @FBoivinNPD and Sean Casey(LIB) Charlottetown @SeanCaseyMP ... both of them have been absolutely AMAZING and extremely SUPPORTIVE in their interactions with sex workers and clients over the past week and a bit on Twitter. One notable mp member is who is NOT on the committee - Joy Fucking Smith. Eve Peclet (NDP) @evepeclet, Pierre Jacob @PJacobNPD (NDP) also are on the committee and also voted against the bill. There are 6 CPC members on the committee. This is where we MAY be able to make headway. I urge you to take a look at Francoise Boivin Twitter feed... she is ENGAGED. Sean Casey is also ENGAGED. They DO HEAR OUR VOICES!!!!!! Add them to your twitter feed and engage them. The following are the CPC members of the committee who may also be on Twitter Mike Wallace (Chair) @MikeWallaceMP Patrick Brown @brownbarrie David Wilks @DavidJohnWilks Bob Dechert (no twitter) Robert Goguen (no twitter) Kyle Seeback @KyleSeeback Get involved!

To coincide with the launch of our first satellite operation, we are launching our new cologne. Fat Bastards BBM "Charming as Fuck" for Men, and for a limited time, "Charming as Fuck for Men premium (infused with holy water and Joy Smith's salty tears)" Of course both come with the unmistakable scent of true manliness in the FB BBM tradition... Bacon. Don't accept imitations like Chanel's "Sent comme un homme charmant de graisse" or Armani's "Holy Cannelloni dat fat guy smells like a pig" or even Calvin Klein's "Almost as Charming as Fuck but for Vegans".... coming soon... and so will you.

Kudos RG!!!

Never too late for a hearty round of applause!!! Well done Pete!!!

Thanks Fishstick!!! I heard from offspring number one already... offspring number two will probably remember at 11:50 tomorrow night...... To all of you fathers and lovers of fathers.... have a great day!!!!

As a former retail worker in my distant youth.... Remember the people that are working in these stores are generally hired because they are cheap, not because they are the best or most knowledgeable. In the world of consumer goods, the cheapest form of delivering service starts with hiring the cheapest labour one can find. Back in the day of Canadian retail giants (Simpsons, Eatons, The Bay, Robinsons, Ogilvys et al) the workers kept their jobs because they were good... and they could reasonably expect to earn enough to sustain a comfortable standard of living. They were never going to be rich, but they were satisfied with the job and they knew their stuff. Management consultants and efficiency experts changed all that. They convinced the giants that cheaper was the way to go. Problem was, the consultants never consulted the consumer or the worker (sound familiar C36???) Consumers left because the service was no longer worth paying that little extra for... and good retail workers left because, well because companies let them go... they were too expensive. And THAT's how our homegrown retail giants fell into oblivion. Ohhhhh... and remember... if Peter MacKay has his way, the EXIT strategy includes a pathway to minimum wage retail jobs for thousands of service providers....

I am dubious as to whether Service Canada actually sent reps on official business. My guess? It was a bunch of boys from the closest Service Canada office just talking it up with the dancers. Service Canada would not have any jurisdiction either in the dissemination of information nor the enforcement of any future laws stemming from C36. Local police would enforce the laws, Department of Justice and the Minister of Public Safety would handle the community outreach.

The dog just threw up on the couch in solidarity with the cat. The cat decided that he was not going near the dog vomit, cuz, ummm... gross. The dog took matters into his own hands (okay paws you biology nazis) and cleaned up his own mess. He no longer feels it is necessary to feel solidarity with the cat. He now thinks the cat is an asshole just throwing up to seek attention and affection that he thinks he unjustly deserves. The fish wasn't looking at me with eyes of derision. The fish wasn't looking at me at all. In fact, the fish has been dead for two weeks. I have no idea how he maintained the posture of animation but that little bugger made me waste two weeks worth of food by pretending to be alive. I hate fish. Back to the matter at hand. There have been developments. That guy that had something similar to what I said on the 151st thread in the 180th post has now retracted his statement and is now in full support of the thing that most of us, well, at least me, are in total disagreement with. I know I am dangling participles but dammit this issue is so important that it justifies ignoring the tenets of proper sentence structure. Plus I am too damn lazy to go back and edit sentences to appear smarmy and educated. The University of Phoenix Online granted me a doctorate in Sentence Making (with a minor in Eastern European Barbecue techniques), so I do have artistic license to write however the hell I want to (and yes I dangled that participle on purpose, neener.) There may be a protest today. I am sure that the protest will involve a Hungarian woman named Ruth and a man named Bill (country of origin, unknown.) Some of you may be inclined to join with "Ruth" (not her real name, cuz no Hungarians name a kid "Ruth") and Bill ... DON'T. Bill and fake Ruth are really in concert with the powers that be (bastards) and are gathering names for the MAN. For heaven's sake don't sleep with Bill. You can however sleep with fake Hungarian Ruth. She is a charming woman with unbelievable talents, if ya know what I mean (nudge nudge wink wink.) But back to the issue at hand. Don't let this thing happen. Avoid fake protests and join with Canadian woman Shannon and Bosnian Miroslav. Shannon is also talented. Miroslav just has a funny name and needs friends. They are having a protest on a corner near the place that we all should gather at (ooooooohhhh I'm a dangling participle ninja... you NEVER expected that!!!) More updates later.

... that already has 284 other threads running simultaneously... Seriously. It has me so upset that no one is hearing what I have to say. My cat just vomited a furball on my couch because she was so upset that I was upset. My dog just ate the furball that my cat vomited on the couch because he didn't want the cat upset that I was upset. He was also upset. My goldfish tried to tell me to check for other threads in the forum, but fuck him. He's a goddamn goldfish. I don't appreciate his fishsplaining anyhow. Plus, who understands them anyhow. They speak fucking fish. And they have that holier than thou fish attitude that you know will come with a look of hate and judgemental derision. I should just feed him to the cat. Except that the cat just puked. How else will everyone know that I have an opinion on that topic that has upset me and maybe you too? Okay maybe I saw the other threads but that guy said the same thing that I wanted to say and his post got buried, so if I start a new thread that guy won't get rep, but I sure as hell will. And you know what??? It affects all of us. Except for the people it doesn't. And who really cares about them. Splitters. They probably do stuff to squirrels and watch furniture pornography. I am important. I don't have time to waste reading other peoples posts. Their opinion really doesn't matter as much as mine does. And that's why I am creating the 285th thread on a topic that has been covered and commented on by 2602 providers and 2763 clients. So. Here's my opinion on that thing that now has 285 threads running simultaneously. Are you ready? I don't like it. Nope. Not one bit. Has anyone bothered to consult both sides of this argument? Has anyone bothered to check Wikipedia to see how they handle it in other countries??? I have. That makes me much smartererer than any of you who haven't checked on Wikipedia in the past two hours. Cuz that shit changes. All the time. I know. Cuz I am a trusted contributor. So what are our next steps? We agitate. We protest. We write anyone who has an email address. We create fake email addresses just to write our emails to... and then we create more fake email addresses to write from. This is a grassroots movement. We need the support of every person regardless of whether their belly button is an innie or an outie (but outies kinda give me the heebie jeebies.) And THAT's how I feel. And YOU are better for knowing it. The end. Unless someone writes another thread on the same topic.

It's simple. Drop an envelope for: 1. Interior decorating 2. consulting services 3. meal service 4. Artwork 5. Piano lessons/vocal training/ 6. cleaning services 7. tutoring services 8. pet sitting/dog walker/groomer 9. gardening 10. snow shovelling 11. whatever else you want to hire someone else for.... Seriously? You can have sex with a friend. You can have sex with someone that you have hired to do other services. It's not complicated. Think outside the box!!! (maybe a bad choice of phrasing...) In the meantime, build your contacts. If you don't want to have providers on your main phone, get a burner. Get blackberry messenger. Blackberry has that service because GOVERNMENTS can't monitor the traffic on it. DM on Twitter Text message. There are so many logical solutions folks....

I'm going to say it. STUPIDITY. Especially this week. There are far too many people speaking from an opening that is not their mouth... and most of those are the doom and gloomers. Think of solutions. When you give up and publicly announce that there is no hope, you become part of the problem. So... if you have given up hope, please... ummm... shut the fuck up. Your "sky is falling" bullshit is NOT HELPING.

One further thing that came to me over the last few hours. PLEASE engage the potential leaders that are vying to fill the position that Shawn Atleo left as National Chief of the Assembly of First Nations. This bill completely ignores the outcry of the First Nations in regard to the disappearances and murders of 3000 Aboriginal women. In fact, it further endangers the countless women who may fall or have fallen victim to creatures like Robert Pickton, many of whom were First Nations. The United Nations is investigating the disappearances and the unheeded call for government action to solve this horrible phenomenon. THIS BILL FURTHER JEOPARDIZES THE PLIGHT OF ABORIGINAL WOMEN. In an era where the Conservative government values international reputation as highly as it does, it certainly can't afford overt UN condemnation. More food for thought.

Not sure if this has been posted BUT it is important. This is the actual process of how a bill becomes law in Canada. http://www.parl.gc.ca/About/House/compendium/web-content/c_g_legislativeprocess-e.htm So when you are fretting about Bill SeeDirtySex (C36) remember what was tabled on Wednesday is like a piece of cloth before it gets tailored into a suit. IT IS NOT THE FINAL PRODUCT. An all party committee will scrutinize the living shit out of the current bill. You can bet that more than one member will PUBLICLY suggest that the bill is absolutely contrary to the SCC decision and will suggest sending the bill or parts thereof to the SCC as a series of test questions. You know how the SCC has ruled - in unanimity. What can you do in the interim? Contact your MP. Demand a written response. Organize. Organize. Organize. If you are a part of a SW organization, enlist the support of human rights organizations. Have THEM speak on your behalf in concert with your own voice. Find SW friendly artists, authors, educators and other persons of note to advocate for you. Get Elizabeth May on board. Get the NDP on board. Get the Liberals on board. Don't get sidetracked on side issues. No tangents. You want to gain support NOT alienate. This bill affects both sexes. In the resounding words of Pierre Elliot Trudeau - "There's no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation." That was nearly 50 years ago. Let's NOT go backwards. Just some food for thought.

This morning my Twitter feed indicated a few people had "favourited" tweets that I had written... BUT... among them were George RR Martin (author of Game of Thrones) and Christopher Moore (author of lots of crazy ass stuff).... of course a couple of them were awesome providers that I adore as well..... kinda cool!!!

It was and it was a good movie, I apologize.... my memories of that movie tend to be of Michael Moriarty (one of the only things I can remember him in prior to Law & Order) - it's been a long time since I saw that one too.

Meh. Beret wearing, scarf donning, film critic wannabes all love this film because if they don't, they lose credibility in the clique. The rest of us could take it or leave it. It's importance? Scorsese directed it (ooooooh Scorsese he's a genius). De Niro had his first major starring role. (ooooooh De Niro he's a genius). Jodie Foster transitioned from random TV series guest pre-teen girl appearance to a film actor (oooooooh Jodie Foster she's a genius.) If you don't fall into the Scorsese/De Niro/Foster cult, then it's just another movie.

We'll all get in a bus and head out to your place chica!!!! xo

Tweeting, CERBing and watching the Jays win again.... LOVE it.

Books are AMAZING! It's a weird thing, it's either all or nothing with me. When I get into reading mode, it's all consuming. I will read a book a day for weeks on end... and then it stops as quickly as it starts. I consume the complete bibliographies of authors in a single period, much like tv series marathoning has become the thing. Recommendations? Ian Rankin - The inspector Rebus series and the Malcolm Fox series. (19 books and 4 books, two interlaced.) Rebus is a crotchety old Edinburgh cop with relationship and alcohol problems, he drives a crappy car and is often seen in yesterdays clothes... but you like him. The mystery series is fast paced and gritty but ohhhhh so good. Alan Bradley - The Flavia DeLuce series (6 books). If you loved Harry Potter, you'll love Flavia DeLuce. She's a precocious 11 yr old chemist/evil genius in a crumbling English manor solving crimes in 1950 England. Like Harry Potter, it's an all ages adventure that has moments for everyone... and best of all Alan Bradley is a Canadian author with enormous talent. Christopher Moore - The man is hilarious. His 15 books are filled with a compendium of the most interesting characters, in the most interesting of situations and some of the most inciteful humour you will ever read. His best is "Lamb, The Gospel according to Jesus's buddy Biff." Industry related? Michael Faber's - The Crimson Petal and the White. An amazing story centred around a London prostitute named Sugar. It's long, but if you are a true reader you won't be able to put it down. It has been adapted and altered as a 4 part mini series. The Game of Thrones/Song of Ice and Fire series by George RR Martin - You watch it religiously, read the books to see what happens in your head before you see it on TV. The books are long... and book four is not the easiest to read, but by the end of the 5th book you will truly appreciate the series even more. Just hope old George finishes all seven books before he kicks the bucket....

Jeebus. I must be part Newf. Those terms of endearment are central to my means of addressing people. I think, if taken in its purest form, the act of endearing someone by saying "hun", "sweets", "darling" or even *gasp* "babe"... is a genuine form of drawing someone closer. By doing so, you aren't trying to demean or diminish them - you are letting them know that your intention is to be inclusive, that they mean something to you. In short, they like you!!!

... and therein MIGHT be the solution. The provider may just not be attracted to black men and that lack of attraction has led her to the policy. It could be as simple as that.

Turn offs? Not many. At my age, I am always pleasantly surprised that a woman will not throw up when we are naked in the same room. These are more general observations than anything else. If there is any advice I can pass along, these would be a few things that I would suggest: 1. Time: Hobbyists are consistently reminded that they are not compensating a provider for a specific service, they are compensating her for her time. Keeping that in mind, the idea of "shoot and scoot" just doesn't fly. A two hour appointment should last two hours unless the hobbyist leaves early at HIS discretion, unless of course he has been a total dickhead. If he has been a dickhead, you have the right to kill him and dissolve his body in the bathtub. 2. Punctuality: These days, everybody has time pressures. As much frustration as it is for a provider when a client is late, it is equally as frustrating when a provider shows up late. Life happens. We all make mistakes. We all get delayed. Just remember, when things start on time, everyone is a lot more relaxed and happy. 3. Social Media Interaction: This is a biggie for me. Whether you are writing here on CERB, on Twitter or on a subscribed Blog, your words are a window into your provider personna. The most beautiful person becomes ugly if they express themselves in a hateful manner. It cuts both ways. Some providers use what we say here as a screening tool - they don't want to deal with assholes and misogynists. Keeping that in mind, we won't see you if you have shown that you don't respect us. We won't see you if you are mean spirited. We won't see you if you twist our words against us. Food for thought. 4. Live rabid monkeys: Don't have them in your incall. They are intimidating. 5. Divided Attention: Everybody has a life. Sometimes we have stuff on our minds that we can't shake. The mark of a true professional in ANY line of work is to put that stuff on a mental shelf and get through the day. It's especially true here, where intimacy is so much harder to achieve when a provider's mind is obviously elsewhere. 6. Unnecessary commentary: Eeeeek. This is a tough one. Have you ever been in an intimate moment that has an undertone of soft and romantic when all of a sudden the badly delivered porn movie dialogue starts? I'm getting the shivers of discomfort just thinking about it. Ohhhhh... and please. Don't speak if your mouth is full... mid BJ commentary is kind of a boner killer. 7. Turkey Bacon: Only if every pig on the planet has died of a horrific flesh eating disease will turkey bacon be acceptable. 8: Outside communication: Turn off your cell phone. Do it. Now. Unless you have a friend or family member that is dying, your attention is with me. I've ended two encounters early because the provider was constantly checking her messages. In virtually EVERY other business, that kind of behaviour would merit discipline or termination. It's a disservice to your professionalism if you can't give me our time. The person on the other end of the line is NOT paying you now. I am. 9: Talking badly about other providers: This is tough. It's a very competitive business. Like many other hobbyists, I don't necessarily provide reviews or recommendations for the majority of providers with whom I have spent my time. Keeping that in mind, you have no idea of the nature of my relationship with nearly any other provider. I may absolutely adore a provider that you have just torn a verbal strip from... and that really doesn't help your cause. 10: Just another client: The biggest mistake any provider can make is to treat a client like "just another client." I have chosen you because you represent something desirable. I have brought my hard earned cash with me because I think you are special. I sought you out because I think you are going to be wonderful to and with me. Treat me like more than a donation envelope. Act as if you want to be with me. Make me feel like you want ME. The best providers (and we have so many great ones) know that the encounter is so much more than an intermingling of moistened body parts. They understand that the fantasy is passion and desire. If you want hobbyists to respect the fact that you are so much more than just a series of desirable body parts, treat HIM like more than a penis with an envelope. Jeebus. I was on a roll there.

Happy Birthday!!!!