Old Dog

32. You don't bring me flowers... You have met, once again, with the uber lovely Anita Dickens-Hyde. And once again, she lived up to her name. You are sore. If you were a lispy Viking you would be Thor, but that would be sacrilegious to the Odin. Your knees are weak. Your tongue is swollen. Your hips feel like the tin man before he got oiled. You need to hydrate. Anita Dickens-Hyde (honestly, do you get the name??? It's frickin' brilliant) merits more than the envelope full of your shekels... and the gift card from Magic Walid's House of Middle Eastern Cheese. You need to express your affection. You need to express your undying fealty. You need to re-book as soon as possible but you also need to regain strength. What to do... WHAT. TO. DO??? Inspiration. A Eureka moment. If you had a personal soundtrack, a choir of angels would be bellowing out that epiphany sound. You know where she lives... you will send FLOWERS. A dozen,no.... two dozen... no FOUR dozen long stemmed roses... special roses... like the ones picked by trained rose people. Ya... that's it. Ahem. Now you are scared. When the "ahem" sound goes off, it is usually followed by a series of THWACKS. Ahem = bad. THWACK = change thought process. Another epiphany. Maybe, just maybe, sending something to her house would be bad. Maybe, and you are going out on a limb here, maybe she doesn't live there alone. Maybe she lives there with a significant other. He could be a devoted partner, but hates flowers. He especially hates roses. Long stemmed roses may make him kill. AGAIN. He may have penis cootie power. Jeebus. Dead and penis cooties. That'd be awkward. You think, "Maybe I should ONLY give gifts to Anita Dickens-Hyde when I see her." Any spontaneous gifts sent to her home might seem a little, ummm... stalkerish... stalkeresque... stalkerinian. Okay, spontaneous gifts might give her the heeby jeebies. Heeby Jeebies are fatal to the client/provider relationship. Oooooooh, that'd be bad. She'd probably use her super powers and black list you. You'd have to sleep with... yikes. That really hot woman beside you. And by hot, I mean the sweating woman with a mean streak who has been experiencing menopause since she was 23 and who is now 56. Save yourself. Don't send creepy gifts. 33. More alternatives to bacon sandwiches. Ummmm... nope. Can't think of any. 34. The evidence. There is no delicate way to express this. Nope. No sugar coating it. You NEED to ask your provider where to put the one eyed one fingered love glove when you are done. Your latex wiener warmer can not be left willy nilly. Oh... and please. PLEASE. PLEASE!!! Don't flush it. Toilets are meant for other stuff. Like pee. And... um... poo. Sometimes barf. All of the things that toilets are designed to remove. Condoms are a non-soluble solid. They tend to get stuck. Bad things happen when condoms plug a toilet. It impedes the flow of regular toilet stuff from going down. If you flush a condom down the toilet, providers get mad. When they get mad they use super powers. When they use super powers, you get sick and die AND your estate will be billed for the plumber costs. Your family will wonder why you are getting a posthumous plumber's bill and will start to ask questions. They will surmise that you have been doing evil things in other people's toilets. Your soul will remain in limbo and you will surrounded by other uncaring condom flushing ghosts. You will be mocked for an eternity. Your name will be stricken from all family records. You will be a blight on your ancestry... and all because you flushed a condom. 35. I need it .... NOW. You sir, have a boner. You recognize this from the physical evidence and the fact that your mind is incapable of cognitive thought. What to do? Call a provider. YESSSSS. Call a provider. They can ... wait. They are not here now. You have a boner and the provider is not here. Ummmmmmmmm. You have cash. And a boner. You have cash and a boner and a bed. Perfect. Except. No provider. Jeeeeebus. They have super powers. They have super powers cuz Old Dog told me they have super powers. Teleportation... was that on the list???? Acccccck. No. No mention of teleportation. You begin to weep. Okay weeping is a bit too much. Sob. You are sobbing in a "man with a boner" way. Can you drive? Nope. Your boner will not interfere with shifting or steering BUT it will impede your ability to concentrate. Solution? Internet porn. Yup. That's it. Gotta do it. Kleenex. Lotion. Guilt. Gentlemen, planning is your best friend. Providers like a schedule and MAY be available on short notice BUT your best bet is to book well in advance of early onset boner. Planning will train your penis into becoming fiscally responsible. Planning will also train your penis as to the appropriate time to become erect. Inappropriate erections can make you lose friends, family and jobs. Planning can save your emotional well being. Your penis will thank you for it, in the way that penissiessisiisessis give thanks. ... more later....

Change your birthday hun. We January sluts are fun.

I'm a slut. I can live with that.

I know the SIN sisters!!!!! There is ONE sister in particular that is an ABSOLUTE MUST SEE!!!! ;)

Hey my friend, I think your source for wonderful boobies has an issue with sharing content. All we ever get to see is the banner - not the boobs. :(

Allow me, if you will, to make my final statement in regard to this and the other thread started. Everyone has their own private and public thoughts on the matter. Their opinions and the information that they offer may run in direct contradiction to what you may or may not believe. It's great that we can have a frank debate about this matter, but please... if you are going to counter an argument, counter the facts on the table rather than the person presenting them. There is absolutely no reason to conduct a personal attack against anyone in this open forum. It detracts from the central issue, diminishes an argument and demeans both the poster and the intended recipient. It serves no value in this or any other thread. We thrive as a community because we can discuss things here that we can't discuss in the vanilla world. CERB empowers us to conduct these discussions and for that we should all be grateful. The one thing, the tenet that this board was founded upon, was respectful dialogue. I encourage everyone to look up to the black bar at the top of the screen. Every time you post, take a look at that bar. If what you say doesn't conform with the words in that bar, erase them... and keep erasing them until you have the ability to communicate politely. ... if you do not have anything nice to say, please don't say anything at all. That's from the Gospel according to St. Mod 3:29

Another one that immediately springs to mind is the lovely Georgiana Sweet... pale skin offset by raven black hair, and um.... wow.

Why is it that on a lazy day where practically an entire continent or three is off work, the networks decide to show stuff like "Dog, the Bounty Hunter" in a marathon format? Really??? Is that the BEST you could do?

Gotta say the beach.... not many bikinis in the mountains. Indian food or Chinese?

I've probably posted this pic before... but heck, ummmm... awesomesauce.

Only three more sleeps until season three.... Game of Thrones!!!! Which Stark will die? Who will live???

Adora??? I adore Adora... she is my second favourite dancer at the mate!!!!

I went grocery shopping and DID NOT SPEND $300!!! (Yeeeeeehaw) Hams - that's right, plural. It's like eating bacon's little sister, when she reaches legal age. Bacon doesn't mind either.

Wait a second.... is this covered cuddling or is my back bare??? Cuz if we be cuddlin', we be sharin' da sheets. Bare back cuddlin' causes viruses n shit. I could catch poomonia. I would be all covered in man sweat and subject to breezes on my back and my bodacious buttocks, which everyone knows attacks the immune system. It's covered cuddling for this fat boy, that's for sure. Wait... ooops. Ummmm. Yes. Cuddle me. Gently. Hold me to your bosom. Yes.

Lima beans. "Hey kids, who wants another serving of Lima beans??!!!???" Silence.

Knowing that when I look up from this post, I see Malika's bum.

Why is it that when I go to the grocery store with only a few small things on my list, I always leave with $300 worth of groceries?

It's a bit of a sticky wicket. There are lots of members on the board that partake in all three avenues of the industry - full service providers, massage and strip clubs - and therein lies the problem. CERB provides a venue for so many things that naturally some confusion is bound to occur. An educated consumer will be able to identify the area in which he or she is interested and pursue that course of action. CERB does have areas that are SP specific, MP specific and SC specific. On top of that, each member and provider has the ability to identify themselves within their profile as to which stream they belong - so the client can, at the click of a mouse, discover the nature of service that he or she may expect to receive. We truly benefit from being an inclusive community. The discussions span a wide range of topics and often they are specifically introduced to touch on subjects upon which anyone can comment. That is the beauty of a pan-industry board - each of us can contribute and those contributions, whether serious or silly, can enhance the experience for each and every one of us. The creation of a separate board would also reduce the potential consumer base. As has been stated before, your client may not be just a massage client. He may be a massage and full service client that frequents the clubs from time to time. He may just be a full service client but is intrigued by a massage provider enough that he may pursue your services in a massage environment; conversely, he may be a massage client that wishes to see a full service provider. The blended board environment fosters that cross market traffic. It's not perfect for everyone but what we have is good... and you don't want to mess with a good thing.