Old Dog

One of the biggest problems with beautiful breasts is that .... um.... sorry I was staring at her breasts... is that you see a beautiful..... ummmm... whoops those boobs got me again.... you see a beautiful face and.... ummmmmm... wow those are fantastic boobs.... and you can't decide where you want to stare!!!!!

Game of Thrones Boobies: Ros: Shae: Daenerys: Queen Cersei: Okay... those were when she was Leonidas wife in 300, but no stunt boobies were used. 8 more reasons to watch Game of Thrones!

Dammit... peer pressure. The PLAN it is! We didn't set a deadline right?

Fat Bastards BBM see couples as long as the dude stays in the other room. We kinda find other guys junk intimidating, especially when it's happy. While he's in the other room, maybe he could fix stuff. Men like to fix stuff, and by fixing stuff for us, he could make us happy. When we are happy, we make you (the sexy lady) happy. If he is good at fixing stuff, we might even knock down our price. If he is really good at fixing stuff, he could help himself to a complimentary beverage and a toasted bacon sandwich. If he is extra really good at fixing stuff, we will allow him to apply for our FB BBM apprenticeship program. It's a rigorous course of redneck sensuality training delivered by experts. Here are two trainees enjoying the perks of the program: As you can see they are happy. They get the mullets next semester. When they fill out a little more, we will have em pose for exciting albums. So when considering special couple time, please consider Fat Bastards BBM. We could use the money. Our crapper's broken again LEE.

I like that!!!! Tell ya what, if you tell me where you bought it, I will give you the lingerie and keep the pretty blonde lady that it was wrapping!!! Cuz you already have a pretty blonde lady that yours was wrapping and you are a pretty blonde lady that will need lingerie and frankly the lingerie is great but I have no need for it but I am interested in the lady that it came wrapped around and she will need a friend because she was callously sold as part of a package deal with fancy underwear and she will be crying and in need of a shoulder to cry on, and I will get to keep her and I will name her something pretty like Violet or Daisy or Rose cuz those are the names of flowers and flowers are pretty and she is a pretty lady that needs a pretty name and she can sleep with me and call me Puppy or Cuddly puppy or something like that and we will fall in love and get married and have babies named Rex and Lisa. Sooooooo... whaddya think?

Hoffa my friend, think about it. You know what to do. You know how to do it. You show up clean, with the right amount in the envelope, with a great attitude and at the right place at the right time. Your service provider is professional. If you are nervous about anything, let her know. Let her know that you are new to the hobby. Let her know what you like. Let her know what you don't like. Heck, it's your first time, why not let her lead you? Every woman whose name has been mentioned or who has posted in this thread is an absolutely AMAZING person. Ottawa has a wealth of providers in all shapes and sizes, all ages, ethnicity and experience and most of them share one thing in common... boobs, no that's two things... okay three things in common... boobs and a vajayjay, that's three things... okay 4 things in common. All of them have been with discerning gentlemen who are visiting for the first time. Put yourself in their capable hands. Relax. Enjoy. Take part. Behave. Respect. You are about to enter a magical world my friend, a magical world.

Wax on for sure... wax off.... ouchy. Daenerys Targaryen or Queen Cersei Lannister

30. The Outcall at your home You have done it!!! You will no longer have to be master of your domain. Put that Kleenex box away. Today's the day you have finally saved for... you are going to meet Alotta Fagina and her new duo partner, Anita Dickens-Hyde (that's right, say it slowly...I'm a dirty freakin' genius!), at your swinging bachelor pad. Best behaviour!!! Now. Eeeeeeek. Look at this place. Ummmm. Ewwwwww. What is that smell??? Gonna need to do some laundry. Yup. Your method of saving on laundry costs by wearing t-shirts and underwear for 4 days has a price (inside out, outside in, backwards and forwards... doesn't everyone do this???) Your place kinda smells like... ummmm... how do we put it politely???? Poo. Sweat. and dead animals. Charming. A fire... you could set the place on fire. No. Bad idea. How about you clean it??? You know those dusty bottles that your sister gave you 8 years ago when you got the place??? Use those. The bedroom. It's not so bad. Okay. It looks like the bedroom of an 8 year old. The He-Man and the Masters of the Universe comforter set is quaint and charming BUT not so much on the sexy debonair suave side. You good sir are going to have to put some big boy clothes on and do some shopping. No. Chicks don't dig Transformers. You can't use that comforter set either. You know the colour of the paint on the walls?? Ask someone at the store to show you something without animated characters and sorta matches the decor. No. You can't buy the Gi Joe sheet set. No. Don't make me hit you. While you are out... did you think of refreshments?? I know that you like chocolate milk and cherry Koolaid mixed together, but it's not everyone's taste. Try something ummmm kinda grown up. Wine maybe? For GODS sake don't pick the wine in the Transformers bottle. Yes, I know it's "neat." That bottle over there - see it? Yes, that one in the clear green glass bottle. I know you don't know anything about wine. Yes, I know you don't own a corkscrew. Okay. Just pick up a bottle of white and a bottle of red with twist tops. And over there... see that section over there that says coolers? Pick up a 4 pack that is kinda girly. I have no idea what they like. Okay. I know you don't either. Jeebus. You see the pink ones? Pick those up. Oh and pick up those wine glasses over there. I know you probably won't use them again. But the LADIES might. Let's go to the grocery store now. I know you are excited. Settle down. No, you are too big to ride in the cart. I am only helping you. You need to push it yourself. Awww, don't pout. Are those, tears???? Okay you can ride in the cart. I will help you. See this?? This is bottled water. I know it's cheaper from the tap. I know you want to show the ladies your limited edition Star Wars glasses from 1983. Trust me, we will go with the bottled water. Oh hey... look at that. It's cheese and it doesn't come in a can!!! Let's do some of that. You don't have plates? Okay. Let's go to the deli... they have a cheese and crackers platter at a reasonable price. What do you mean you don't have napkins. Ohhhh... you use Cottonelle for everything. Not today. No sir, not today. I am guessing you don't have candles. Oh you do??? Lord of the Rings Hobbit Candles. Charming. Nothing sorta plain?? Okay let's forget the candles, the less they see of your place the better. Gents... when you invite a provider to your home treat them with the respect they deserve. Clean. Yup. Clean. The bathroom, the bedroom, the living room and the kitchen. If you provide refreshments do so from a SEALED bottle opened in their presence. Make an effort. You make THEM bacon sandwiches!!! They are your guests! 31. Great Expectations It's happened to all of us on BOTH sides of the equation. You have been speaking for weeks, have exchanged PMs, texts, calls... and today is the day that you are finally going to meet. The door opens... and meh. It's certainly not unique to this world, it happens on dating sites all over. It's happened at high school reunions. It happens everywhere. You have envisioned a mix of Megan Fox/Angelina Jolie/Sasha Grey and are met with ummmmm... not that. You are disappointed. You have built up the moment in your head, the dream date with Megangelisha... and are met with a pretty woman that isn't her. What to do? Step back. Take a moment. Take stock. You aren't Brad Pitt, Channing Tatum or Shemar Moore. You are just a guy. She is a pretty girl. Give your head a shake. She is going to touch your wiener. She is a pretty wiener touching girl. Not only that, she is the pretty wiener touching girl that has an amazing personality. She is a charming pretty wiener touching girl that smells really good. She is an aromatic charming pretty wiener touching girl wearing a beautiful negligee cut so low that you see her amazing boobies. She is an aromatic near naked buxom charming pretty wiener touching girl that has just invited your into her home. She is a welcoming aromatic near naked buxom charming pretty wiener touching girl that has just planted the most amazing kiss on your lips. She is a kissable welcoming aromatic near naked buxom charming pretty wiener touching girl that has changed your opinion. No longer meh. She's HAWT. She isn't Megangelisha but then again you aren't Brachanmar. That's a good thing too, cuz neither of your fake names is frickin' pronounceable. What you are is.... together, at her place, at the appointed time, with the correct amount of money, with a couple of hours open, with a bottle of wine and possessing some degree of chemistry. A light goes on in your head. This is good. This is really good. Of course then she kills you. You knocked on the wrong door. Had you followed the directions she gave you, you would have been alive BUT OHHHH NO.... you had to be the guy who doesn't need directions. Serves you right to be dead. You knocked on the door of the notorious negligee nympho killer. She's probably desecrating your corpse right now.... No, I'm just messing with ya. She didn't kill you. If she did, you wouldn't be reading this. You had a really good time. She rocked your world. Your wiener is kinda sore, but in a good way. You learned a valuable lesson. Don't dismiss something that could be great. You built the rapport, follow through. Read the directions to her place. Don't knock on the wrong door. Beware of nearly nude nymphos with knives. If she is playing the theme from Psycho, run. Don't go swimming until an hour after you have eaten. Don't stick forks in live electrical outlets. If you can't pronounce it, don't eat it. It's amazing being me. Bwahahahahahah

Dude... have a great one!!!!!!!!!

Chaucer, the genius of the man is only discovered when you take your time to read between the lines. Absolutely a man born a thousand years too soon. Sloppy Joes or Sloppy seconds?

One of the best parts about getting older in the hobby is that you can finally realize one great truth. Your penis is NOT the only thing that has an orgasm. True, it is the one part of the body that can give "evidence" of a successful encounter, but in reality the process of aging opens the door to the "mind-gasm." It's that little shiver you get when you see her at the door. It's that breathless moment when she places that first soft kiss on your lips. It's the moment of exultation when she guides your hand to the swell of her breast, the curve of her bottom... It's the childlike moment of expectation when she begins to remove her clothes... and yours. It's a myriad of moments, involuntary body reactions and snippets of frozen time that you have captured in your mind throughout each and every second of her time with you. When you are younger, most of that is just a blur - a preamble to the physical orgasm. The moment you savour most is when you have reached the state of physical euphoria... that briefest period when your body aches to release. But now, I remember. I remember when she walked through the door. I remember that kiss. I remember that caress. I remember the flush on her cheeks and the quickening of my heart. I remember her every move and each of those memories transports me back to that time. Getting older is not so bad. Not so bad, at all.

I did this at the cottage years ago... and as I was all lathered up with a handsome shampoo mohawk - the water pump from the well went --poof--, seized up and DIED. Thankfully it was morning and the plumbers in cottage country are well stocked with new pumps. Didn't want to pay for a new one BUT... it's the price we pay for personal hygiene and the ability to flush the toilet!!!

Tara from True Blood: or Veronica from Shameless?:

Just thinking about Cat's idea.... and adding to that mix. Sara, Cleo, Malika, Luxe and Annessa.... all tattoo GODDESSESESSESSESSSSES.... I would die. They would kill me. The undertaker would have to work for days to close my eyes, wipe the idiotic grin of my face and bore a groove in the top of the casket so they could close it. Seriously? Read the ads here. Find someone that suits your fancy. Remember that the encounter is more than just sex... it's about chemistry. Find someone that you MUST see based on their ads or their posts. We all write in a manner consistent with who we are in reality - those clever ads, the sensual style, the humour... whatever... that's the person that you want to see. Not a single person that has been mentioned in the prior posts will disappoint you... and if you want to add more fuel to that fire, check the reviews. Consumate professionals, each and every one!

Miss one of these??? Are you kidding??? I tore out IV lines, heart monitors and other sundry medical devices to be there in September... I can't miss this!!!

Calling a large electronics retailer (not saying who but the first name starts with "Future" and the last name ends in "Shop") in regard to the product replacement service plan that I purchased on my TV. They came out 2 weeks ago and the tech says "Yup, I see the concern, it's right there." BUT he writes on his report, "It's not that bad." I call again for follow up and the service department has interpreted "not that bad" as "no problem at all." Now I have to spend all day at home AGAIN (because they give a timeline of "our service tech will be there between 8am and 7pm") this Friday.... GrrrrrRRRRRRRRRrrrrrr....

My friend, the best advice I can give you is to contact a well established and well reviewed provider. They will allay any fears or concerns that you have and give you the best experience, you will get the best of both worlds!

Physical beauty is a veneer that fades, cracks and chips away over time. The true beauty that each of us possesses is the acknowledgment that none of us is perfect, and from that acknowledgement emerges humility, humanity and ultimately the personality that sparkles. We have discussed the attempts of many to achieve the epitome of beauty. Healthy diets, exercise regimens, cosmetic products and procedures - the list can and will go on ad infinitum. The catch? There will always be someone that will be more beautiful, more glamourous, more athletic, with straighter whiter teeth etc., etc. The quest for greater physical beauty often comes with a tragic price, the fading value placed on inner beauty. Our own imperfections, whether real or perceived are the things that make us who we are. That mushy tummy, those laugh lines around our eyes, the goofy smile that produces uneven dimples, the hair that goes its own way or has left completely, that birthmark, or whatever else - those things that make us individuals, that make us imperfect, those are the things that invisibly contribute to our personality. We compensate. We channel the energy from things we can't really change or have given up on trying to change to other aspects of our being. We become better people, more accessible, friendlier, charming and charismatic. The physical attraction is augmented by something intangible - that strength in character that draws attention. The inner beauty is that spark that captivates and it can exist in everyone. My favourite providers are imperfectly perfect. They radiate personality. They understand what it means to embrace their inner beauty and let it shine. They are also the ones that seem to endure the comings and goings of the new kid on the block. Embracing imperfection has released the beauty within. What are your thoughts?