Old Dog

I like the Mighty one... always great stuff to add, always interesting.... and who can't like a guy that has his own theme song!!! Okay... it's almost Finn. Just replace the "Qu" sound with the "FFFFF" sound.

I think I solved the gutter problem!!!

Happy birthday my new voluptuous friend!!! xoxo

Happy early birthday my friend!!!! Drink enough now and tomorrow will still be a blur!

Spending a bit of time talking to Sahara Knite - she's the East Indian erotic actress who played the exotic beauty in Littlefinger's brothel in Game of Thrones. Such a sweety... but said that her role in the show is over.

Now that was a statement worthy of praise!!!! A pox upon it... douchebaggery doth vex us all!!!

Kudos to Mr Green for suggesting the 20/80 principle. It's one of those unwritten rules of most business ventures - only 1 out of every 5 businesses that opens will last a single year within any market. Those that do survive have to fight tooth and nail to maintain their fair market share against established businesses and new start ups. The most successful businesses never rest on their laurels. They innovate, they advertise, they research, they re-brand, ... they do everything within their collective powers to achieve success. This business is no different than any other in that regard. Those of us on both sides of the business who have maintained an eye on the providers list have seen countless beautiful young women enter with a splash and then fade into obscurity. That fading comes with a myriad of reasons but the most common is the inability to run a successful business in a market dominated by savvy business professionals. The best in the business know how to grow a clientele while maintaining their existing customer base. They know how to reach their target audience. If you can take it down to bare bones, think of it this way: Everyone can make a bacon sandwich. The best sandwich makers will be able to convince you that their sandwich is more appealing, more delicious, better made and a much better value regardless of the price you have to pay. The business models for this industry can be translated to or from any service industry. McDonalds sells you a better burger, Tim Hortons serves you a better coffee, Cineplex offers you better movies, etc. Their success is based on the fact that they are able to convince the masses that not only is their product is superior but their service, that intangible element that can't be quantified, is impeccable. The best SPs/MAs understand the basic principles and apply them diligently. The ones that don't succeed are the ones that fail to recognize this as a business, and a business that can be lucrative if a successful business plan is utilized. Heady stuff for a middle of the night post... but useful in the right hands!

Tonight I would like to honour, no, honour is not enough. I would like to DEIFY the Goddess known to us all as Samantha Evans. Tonight, Samantha reached a milestone - her 2000th post. Rarely do you see a person that has such incredible insight, such amazing knowledge and such a wonderful way of conveying her thoughts into prose. Samantha is, without a doubt, one of the finest people I have ever encountered; I am proud to say that she is a dear friend and even prouder to say that I love her like a family member and even more than bacon sandwiches.

27. Alternatives to the Bacon Sandwich I was insensitive. I forgot that many providers have religious convictions that may prevent them from providing bacon sandwiches at their incall locations. Alternatives, well. Hmmm. Do you have a friend that might make bacon sandwiches that you could call? That'd work. Steak sandwiches are nice. With caramelized onions and mushrooms, on a soft bun, meat cooked medium rare with a dollop of horseradish mayonnaise. I like that too. Not as much as bacon sandwiches, but if you make up for it by putting a little more effort on the plate, like a sprig of parsley and a few cherry tomatoes, it is almost as good. Vegetarians. Hmmm. I never considered you either. Listen. If you have a friend that will make you bacon sandwiches and put it in a nice sealed thermal bag, I might just take that to go at the end of our encounter. Or you could make butter tarts. I like butter tarts. The butter tart to bacon sandwich equivalency ratio is approximately 12.8 to 1, but I would take an even dozen and call it a deal. Vegans. You are going to make my life difficult. Anything in your fridge will probably make me feign a polite smile and rub my tummy indicating that I am already full. I don't believe that there is a vegan equivalent to any of the aforementioned sandwiches or buttery confections. You might want to consider a new profession... or.... you could offer duos with a bacon lady... that'd work! Just sayin'. 28. The Negotiator You enter a restaurant. Your brain is like Rain Man. You know that you will only eat 84% of your hamburger, 67% of your fries, 92% of your coleslaw and drink 96 % of your coffee. Waste not, want not. You speak to the manager of your restaurant. You ask what the hamburger platter costs replete with a steaming cup of coffee. He quotes you a price, of $10.17, taxes in and excluding gratuity. You balk. You counter offer at $7.82 including gratuity, insisting that the amount of time spent at the table will be less than 14 minutes if the service of the meal comes within 2.4 minutes of your arrival thus allowing the restaurant to serve more customers per hour. You ask to only be served 84% of a hamburger, 18 of the standard 27 french fries, 4.6 ounces of coleslaw and 7.68 ounces of coffee. This seems perfectly reasonable. To. You. The manager politely asks you to leave. Now. GTFO. You get a bit snippy and threaten not to darken his door ever again. He raises an eyebrow, gives his head a slight nod indicating the direction of the door. You see that your negotiating skills have missed their mark on this savvy proprietor. You don't eat that day. The same holds true in the provider world. When the pretty lady says that she offers 1 hour, 2 hour, 4 hour and 8 hour encounters with specific prices attached thereto, you should understand that those are the time allotments and prices that are NON negotiable. You can't get 84% of a BJ. This is a luxury service and frankly, you have an alternative - you can seek someone else with a cheaper rate and more suitable time frames BUT you have to understand. A Camaro is not a Ferrari. A Pinto is not a Benz. A Lada is not a Rolls Royce. You may end up at the same destination with all six, but you know that the ride won't be as smooth and certainly not as memorable. 29. I love you vs I LOVE YOU. Alotta Fagina. Ohhhhhhhh my GOD. Alotta. Fagina. I have seen her like ummmm.... 25 times in the past two months. She is my muse. She makes me happy. She fills my heart with joy. She is perfect. Good heavens. I love her. No. I love bacon sandwiches. I LOVE HER. With all my heart. I LOVE her. She must love me. She must LOVE me. We have had sex like 25 times in the last two months. That's what... 24 more times than I had all of last year with my ex-girlfriend. Granted she was in a coma for 11 of those months, but that's semantics. I LOVE Alotta Fagina. She LOVES me. We will move in together. We can have an island, small at first, like one that holds up the centre support of a train bridge but in time we will have an island in the Caribbean. When I win the lotto. I have a plan. I will make her the happiest woman on the face of the planet. She has made me the happiest man on the face of the planet. <THWACK> WTF! I was expressing my true love, my undying affection. We are in love. <THWACK> Okay, please stop that. I know you are jealous of our deep spiritual connection. You could not possibly understand how much we LOVE one another. <THWACK> Now that hurt. Why did you use a baseball bat? I may have a contusion. Look, just look... you left a mark. How can I explain this to the epicentre of my universe, the apple of my eye... I know, I will say I was defending her honour. That will make her UBER love me even more than she ultra loves me now. This is a dangerous game. You may have affection for providers and providers may have affection for us. That's a natural bond that comes with spending time together but never confuse love for LOVE. You have a paid relationship with a provider that is mutually beneficial, and over time that may make you much closer. I am not saying that it's IMPOSSIBLE that LOVE will blossom, but the most basic principle is that you will find an amazing person to spend your time and money with... and that's the premise that you must keep in mind. Love your provider, respect your provider but when you feel the emotions welling up within you, take a break from your provider and take stock. It might be best for everyone! ... i'm sure that there will be more....

I have had one of the best weeks I have had in ages, and it has everything to do with the company I keep... thanks to all that have made it as much fun as it has been!!!

How sad my western Sunny friend, That you have to see this prob, Cuz every client ought to end, With a rubber on his knob. To think, it's just a simple thing, Latex protects your life, An STD is not a thing to bring, to your lover... or your wife. Oh Soleil, she's a mystic, Think upon the words she said, Would you rather wrap your dipstick, Or be diseased, deformed, or dead?

Hmmmmmm.... either or.... damn, the result is the same!!! Bacon Sandwich or a Sandwich made with Bacon?

Mmmmmmmmmm Roast Beef, roasted potatoes and lovely steamed broccoli.... I can smell it cooking now....

Well we did have a meeting with some of the executive committee on Monday. Lee, Phaedrus and I decided we needed to seek the assistance of professional business planners. People that could turn our business around. People that actually know what they are doing. People with boobs. Women. Lee went out and hustled us up some women to act as consultants. We brought them in to the meeting and they sure looked pretty, but dammit, as soon as Lee took off the blindfolds and cut the ropes they scattered. Lee, said that that was the best he could do with the budget we gave him. We decided that inviting consultants was a much better idea. We let Phaedrus do all the talking. He is as smooth as... something that's smooth. We actually had some show up. They were frightened at first but then Phaedrus started speaking all suave and debonair to distract them with his foreign accent. It's a good thing he can write because we can't understand a single word he says when he talks. He says he is from some foreign island like Latvia or Israel or Zimbabwe, but I think he may be one of them Limeys. Anyways, while Phaedrus was talking, Lee and I went off and got all gussied up. We were the picture of manliness when we actually appeared. It's a good thing we had the oversized pants and extra socks; bathing in a snowbank has its disadvantages in the nether regions. I know I was packing what looked like an olive and two raisins when I was done... Lee was just crying. The consultants were real pretty. REAL pretty. After a long winter with just the boys in the lodge, anything without hair on its butt looks pretty, but these women were GOR-Ge-OUS. We think they may have been saying words to us, but we mostly just stared at their boobies. Okay, when they stood up and walked around we looked at their butts too, but mostly it was boobies. They stayed around and talked for a while, presented flip charts and all of that stuff, and frankly we should have taken notes, but it's been a long winter. Boobies are distracting. When the girls left, we drank. We stopped drinking when all we had left was drain cleaner. We figured we should save that, because frankly we had run out of mix. Although we did not get a great deal of business knowledge from the consultants, we did figure out that we didn't end up empty handed. I know they inspired me all night long. We need to buy more Jergens and Kleenex. (Antlerman, if you are reading this, please send a few cases.) We also learned that we should try to stay clean. As soon as the bathroom thaws we have vowed to replace the windows and the plumbing fixtures. Those consultants smelled nice. They didn't sport an extraneous hair from ears, noses and knuckles. See, we did learn something. Our consultants may return... any other consultants that wish to present their business plans are welcome to do so in the boxes below!

25. The Incall. You finally get your greatest wish. Today's the day you are seeing Alotta Fagina. Sweet Jeebus. You have abstained from fondling your manly bits for 26 hours in anticipation of this glorious event, beating your old record by ... umm... pretty much 26 hours. Man you love your wiener. You have followed all posted rules and etiquette. You booked your appointment by her preferred method of contact, you have the envelope containing the exact amount for your encounter, you have groomed yourself, you smell good, you feel healthy... heck you even went to Alotta's website and purchased a gift card for her from her favourite vendor, Magical Walid's House of Middle Eastern Cheese. You are soooooo good to go. You arrive at the destination five minutes before your appointment and knock on her door at precisely 2:00 pm. You sir, are a rock star. You enter her home. You are now stepping foot into Villa Fagina. It's beautiful. Tastefully decorated, the house is a testament to the woman that you have lusted after since joining CERB. Uh oh. Nerves. You know what happens when the nerves hit. Pee pee. You must make a pee pee. Maintaining your suave demeanour, you saunter over to Alotta and say in your sexiest voice, "Alotta, my glamourous minx, purveyor of pleasures of the flesh, my near naked nymph. I gotta pee. Where's the potty?" Alotta directs you to your destination. You enter the bathroom and come face to face with your personal demon. Her medicine cabinet. What to do. I KNEW I should have read that whole thread. If I open her cabinet, will I be struck down with penis cooties??? Good GODS... what would Old Dog do??? Empowered by his love for the super friends, a spectral image of Old Dog appears straight from his crystal cavern in the depths of downtown Ottawa: You hear an awesomely wicked voice saying, "Open that cabinet and I will give you penis cooties. Use your head. Be a happy hobbyist. Respect her privacy. Oh... and remember to wash your hands really well and put that seat back down after you flush." It's not rocket science. You are at her place of business for a very good reason. That reason is not to invade her privacy - follow her to her boudoir and be happy. Alotta Fagina has given you access to her sensuality, not her stuff. 26. Serial Texting You want to see her. She is soooooooooooooOOOOOoooOOOOOOOoooOOOOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooooo freakin' HAWT. You have everything prepared. You think, "I'm gonna get laid tonight, I'm gonna get laid tonight." You do a happy dance. It's a little disconcerting. Even to you. You stop and vow never to repeat the "anticipating getting laid" dance again. You see she accepts texts. So that's what you do. You: Hey BB (1:39 pm) Her: Oh, hi. (1:41 pm) You: Hey BB (1:42 pm) Her: Oh, Hi again. (1:44 pm) You: Hey BB (1:45 pm) Her: Ummm, Hi again, again. (1:49 pm) You: Hey BB, yer pretty. (1:50 pm) Her: Ummm thanks. (1:55 pm) You: Yer pretty. I have a boner. (1:56 pm) Her: Ummmmm, that's nice. Is there a point you are trying to make. (2:10 pm) You: Yer pretty, I still have a boner. (2:11 pm) Her: Okay. It's nice that that happens for you. Do I know you? (2:42 pm) You: Hey BB. My boner is still there. You have nice boobs. (2:43 pm) Her: I do have nice boobs. Thank you. (3:20 pm) You: I lost my boner but got another one. I like your boobs alot. (3:21 pm) Her: That's really, umm, nice of you to say. You know "alot" is actually two words. Was there something that you needed to ask? (4:12 pm) You: I lost my second boner but got another one again. Yer HAWT. You have a great ass. (4:13 pm) Her: Oh thanks again. Will you please stop sending me texts? (5:22 pm) You: I have my fourth boner. (5:23 pm) You: Why won't you ANSWER me? (5:28 pm) You: You are a boner killer. Wait. It's okay. Number 5 just happened. Please answer. (5:33 pm) You: Hey BB (5:38 pm) You: Hey BB (5:43 pm) You: Hey BB (5:51 pm) You: Hey BB, my boner feels weird. (5:53 pm) You: Hey BB, my boner just collapsed in on itself. (5:56 pm) You: Hey BB, the cat just ate my boner. (5:58 pm) You: Bitch, you ruined my life. (6:01 pm) You: On the upside, I have a mangina now. I am going to steal all your business. (6:02 pm) You: On the downside, my mangina is not feeling that great. I hate you. (6:03 pm) You: Answer ME! (6:04 pm) You: You used your super powers didn't you? (6:05 pm) You: My tummy feels weird. Did you give me some kind of virus? (6:06 pm) You: Dammit. All I want to do is listen the Celine Dion now. (6:07 pm) You: You did this. (6:08pm) You: I'm sorry (6:09 pm) You: This is my last text to you. (6:10 pm) You: No, this is my last text. (6:11 pm) You: :( There we have it. Serial texters get penis cooties and listen to Celine Dion. It's a true fact, as witnessed above.