Old Dog

24. Humanity This is going to be a mushy one and to that end, it will stand alone. You may have noticed that I use the phrase "I love you" when I speak to many of the providers on the board. This is not casual nor is it capricious; it is heartfelt and honest. When you enter the hobby, you enter with the thought of fulfilling some carnal desires, pleasures of the flesh. As you begin to progress through there are natural bonds that are created. You enjoy the company of the women that you see because they are not just a vessel for your sexual voyage; they are warm, caring and magnificent human beings. I want you to pay particular attention to those last three words. True, this is a service industry and the services provided are fantastic - but you do connect with a person - a magnificent human being that has offered a part of herself to you in a mutually gratifying situation. I am a truly fortunate man. I have built bonds with providers and members here that have surpassed my wildest expectations. I don't go a single day without speaking to at least one person on this board to whom I have said, "I love you." These women may just be an hour or two of fancy to you, but to me they are the most beautiful people in my life... in fact, I might not be here writing this without them. Indulge me, if you will. On Labour Day weekend, 2012, I came home from work on the Friday evening and I wasn't feeling well. By Saturday morning I recognized that I was having a heart issue but having had issues in the past, I put it down to stress and a touch of angina. By Monday I wasn't any better. On Tuesday, a CERB member and a CERB provider came to my house and demanded that I go to emergency; they took me. I was admitted and indeed the stress and angina were a bit more serious than I had imagined. I had, in the preceding 3 days, a level 3 cardiac infarction. In layman's terms - I had a major heart attack. Over the next week in hospital, I had daily visits from a number of providers and members who genuinely care about me. A CERB member left work early to come pick me up on the day of my discharge from hospital. At home, these same members and providers had filled my fridge, filled my prescriptions and helped lift my spirits during my period of recovery. They knew I was not in any financial shape to compensate them in monetary fashion; they did it because they are magnificent human beings. I won't give you the names of these people. I wish I could, but that would be a bit of a disservice. They didn't do it for accolades or compensation, they did it because they cared for me... they love me and they know that I love them. CERB is the ideal venue in that regard. The no-negativity foundation may be frustrating at times - but I will say this: You have no idea of how beautiful the members and providers here are. The physical beauty is a given - the beauty of the person behind that veneer is the hidden treasure on this board. I am not ashamed to state publicly my love for my friends here. I will defend them with every fibre of my fabric. They are providers only by occupation but first and foremost, they are some of the most magnificent human beings that I have ever encountered. If I can only make one visceral statement here, one that comes from my gut... I ask, no... I demand that you treat my loved ones as you would treat your own. I will be back... there is so much more to add!

20. Hey Alotta, can we book a 4:20 appointment, get it...420??? Dude. You need pizza. You need nachos. You need a pizza with nachos and KFC. You also need to rethink your priorities. You can't show up to an appointment high or piss drunk. No. You. Can't. That is a no no. People sometimes do silly things when they are under the influence of alcohol and drugs. I, in fact, proposed marriage to a horrible person when I was in such a state. When I recovered, she was Mrs Dog. There is absolutely no irony in that statement - she was a total bitch. You see, just because you like to partake in a herbal vacation on a daily basis, don't assume that your provider does. If you consume liquor in lieu of say... food, you must also make that assumption that your provider might actually eat rather than just drink. You MIGHT think that drugs and alcohol make you sexy. Ummmmm. No. That's a pee stain on the front of your pants. Not. So. Sexy. Bottom line? Drugs and alcohol make people do stupid things. You can do this your friends. You can do this with your family. You can NOT do this with your provider. NEVER show up drunk or stoned. Stupid things could mean dangerous things. Dangerous things are bad. She is already placing herself in a somewhat vulnerable situation, she certainly doesn't need the addition of a chemical additive to make it worse. The other thing, you might actually REMEMBER how wickedly awesome your experience was!!!! 21. Why doesn't she respond? I need to couple with her now!!! Men, as a collective gender, do not take direction well. I admit it. My penis admits it. We like to forge new paths, be trailblazers, and we hate to read stuff. We especially hate to read stuff. Reading stuff is for girls. Girls know that. That's why they force us to read. To humiliate us. To make us appear more stupid than we... wait, we are pretty stupid. Let's face it. Men do things because we think we already know how to do things. Providers are girls. This is their chance to torment us. It's okay though. They will touch our wieners. That makes us happy. We just have to follow instructions.... arrrRRRRRrrrggggh. I hate reading instructions. I love when she touches my wiener. Mental battle..... dammit. Must resist. Nope. Wiener wins.... ALL THE TIME. Okay. Read the instructions. WTF? No PMs??? I have been sitting here with a blue pill induced RAGING erection for 3 hours and she doesn't want me to PM? Oh my god. No wonder I can never see Alotta Fagina. She doesn't take PMs. What else won't she accept? No emails??? No blocked calls, no private numbers??? Guys... when it comes to the hobby, we have to obey the rules. To obey the rules, we actually have to READ the RULES. If we could make our penisisisiesisisis read the rules that would be better, but the one eyed python of love is blind. Big head has to obey. She has preferred methods of contact. Read em. Understand em. Use em. Your wiener will thank you. 22. I suspect you may clone me. May I have my used condom? Dude. Seriously? Do you have like a used condom hall of fame? Guys, no one wants to store your jizz. Alotta Fagina does not have secret contacts with a mad scientist who pays her for your splooge. There is no secret conspiracy to place your spunk at the scene of a major crime. Conspiracy theories are fun... now run back to your basement and get the foil helmet on lickety-split!!! ohhhh.... there's more.

I volunteered dammit!

17. The chance encounter You sir, need new socks. Yes you do. The old socks in your drawer were purchased when Gilligan's Island was a new show on TV. Well, Mr. Frugal, you shall treat yourself to a shopping spree... indeed. Sox-a-palooza. You shall purchase 4 new pairs of socks. You might even get daring and buy a pair that is adorned with argyle... maybe even a stripe. You are a sock buying machine. Where to go. Aha! The mall. And that's where it happens. You see her. Alotta Fagina. The woman that rocked your socks off just last week. OHHHH MY GOD. That's Alotta Fagina. But wait. Alotta Fagina is not alone. Could that be... hmmmmm.... it looks like her... yes.... it has to be.... Mama Fagina, Alotta's mom. And that other woman... also seems to look like Alotta... Good Gods... it's Younger Fagina. You see three Faginas approaching you. What do you do???? The answer my friend is... nothing. In this hobby we have all seen Alotta Fagina. We know that sometimes Faginas need a break. You need to understand that the woman you see in that mall is NOT Ms Fagina now... and unless you know each other in some plausible other way (like being a neighbour, a high school friend, her dentist or first cousin <awkward!!!!>), you will not approach. You probably will give her a bit of a lecherous stare, because you still have testicles... but that is where it has to stop. You'd want her to leave you alone when you are with your non-hobby people; respect that she wants the same as you. Go to the food court, order a bacon sandwich and plan the rest of your sock adventure! 18. I am feeling a little under the weather, but I have a stiffy. Good for you! Now go to the interwebs. Get the provider's number. Call her. Tell her that you are a sick little monkey. Tell her that you can't make your appointment but would love to rebook. Send her an email money transfer with a cancellation fee. Go to the bathroom. Get the box of Kleenex, the bottle of Jergens lotion, and a Dristan. Go back to your computer. Find a website with naked people having sex. Apply Jergens. Wait... wait... wait... grab the kleenex. Now take the Dristan and go have a nap. If you are sick, don't book an appointment. If you have already booked an appointment, reschedule when you don't have the plague. Do not jeopardize the provider's health by showing up sick. When you have an appointment and you are sick, you make the provider sick. When you make the provider sick, she might not be showing symptoms and she might make me sick... and that would be bad for the world. You see I am a very important guy. How important??? You know that Tsunami in Japan a year or so ago??? That was me. Some Japanese guy sold me a faulty Sony TV. If you get me sick... I will make sure that you get penis cooties. You have been warned. 19. The Secret Weapon Gentlemen, we all have a secret weapon. If you are ever unsure about who is scamming, who is photo swapping, who is dangerous and who is to be absolutely avoided, there is only one person to turn to... CERB's own Cowboy Kenny. CK is a genius... and he works for all of us.... all of us except for the forces of evil. CK exposes those who would try to exploit our weakness for the female form and at the same time he protects the fantastic women that do a wickedly awesome job keeping us happy. CK is a superhero. Here's his site: http://www.cowboysdiary.info/wordpress/ ... more to come

13. Rescue Me. You are Prince Valiant. You are Captain Courageous. You are a schmuck. You see a provider and become a regular, and then it dawns on you. I LOVE her. I frickin' love her. I am going to rescue that wanton woman from this life of abject misery and make her an honest woman!!!! I will shower her with stuff I can't afford and leave my wife and kids for her... because I know she loves me. She just had great sex with me, didn't she? (it was great for me, and I am sure once she woke up, it was great for her too!) Schmuck. Schmuck!!! Double Schmuck. You let the "fantasy" take hold of your reality and forgot that what you just shared was something that you just paid for. Over there. On the table. In that unsealed envelope. Providers are verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry good at making you feel fantastic - that's what they do, that's the JOB. Whoops did I just say that? Why yes, yes I did. Forget what you see on TV. Forget what the moral majority says in the propaganda. Providers are real women who live in the real world and the job that they perform provides an income. Many providers could blow you away with their talents outside of CERB. They are interior designers, computer programmers, actors, writers, teachers, health care workers, office managers and artists doing this... so if you THINK you know better, think again. Enjoy the fantasy. If she wants you in her life in another capacity, that's her call... not yours. 14. Did I mention bacon sandwiches? Providers - I know I did mention it but I forgot to add that I like it on lightly toasted white bread. Easy on the butter. Remember that well constructed bacon sandwiches will make you rich. 15. The Menu. Now that we are fully aware that ALL providers wishing to be considered to be ELITE will have a supply of homemade delicious bacon sandwiches at hand, please be aware that there is another menu. You know what I am talking about. The menu is there for your edification and for your adherence. In other words, special orders may not be available, or if they are available, there may be an upcharge. If it's not available, it's just plain not available. Don't push for it, don't try to sneak it in there, don't go there. In short, don't be a dick. Now before you get all whiny like a little bitch that fell in the playground and skinned their knee, think. When you took the time to read the list of services available did it say that she had a penguin suit and was willing to feed you like a mama penguin feeds her chick? (really don't think about that, it's kinda gross.) Did it say that she would use a feather duster to clean your place WITHOUT using her hands??? No... it did not. (but if you find one like that, PM me, cuz that would be interesting to see.) In all cases, Your Mileage May Vary. Nobody (except for me because I am special) gets everything they want. Be happy that you get to spend time with someone that special... because she will rock your world with stuff that is on the menu! 16. Appreciate her. You have just spent time with the MOST incredible woman you have ever met. You are walking on a cloud. She just did things with you that you only dreamed about and you pinch yourself to see if this is all a dream. It's NOT a dream. It's REAL. Why not up the ante a bit? I mean she did make you a bacon sandwich for God's sake. She did things with you that you have wanted to do for eons. She smelled amazing. It is not inappropriate to buy her a little gift. Like a yacht. Or a Ferrari. Or a mansion with a suite that I could live in. Okay... forget the yacht. Why not a little something something for her? Check her website. Many will give you ideas of her tastes. Oh... and say thank you. Mean it. Respect her. If she approves of your review, post it. Let her know that she rocked your world. It's late now... I must sleep.... but we are not done... yet.

Quite right!!!! No wiener pics!!!! Really guys, your little fella may be your pride and joy but frankly she has seen mine and it is so much better than yours, really. Plus it's a known fact that emailing a picture of your penis decreases your sperm count and by exposing it to the internet, you could get a virus. Not a Trojan virus because you didn't wear one when you snapped the pic... you should have worn a condom... and now you will have cooties. Penis cooties. The worst kind of cooties. Penis cooties eat your penis from the inside out. You'll be standing there with a happy Johnson and one day it will just collapse in on itself. Fall off on the floor. Your cat will drag it away and eat it. Then your cat will die. Your kids will hate you due to the fact that you killed the cat. Your wife will leave you for a non penis emailing man because you are now a eunuch. You will have a mangina. Your mangina won't be of much use either because the cooties will eat that too and not in the good way. You will lose your job and become a homeless, penisless, pennyless, rotten mangina cootie freak. You will probably end up being run over by a bus filled with men who have never emailed a picture of their penis to anyone. And you deserve it.

8. Safety first If you are a guy you KNOW that wearing a condom is akin to drinking beer with a straw. It's not as good as without but in the end, it's not that bad. Wearing a condom let's you go home to your significant other and not wear one. It's as simple as that. It also lets your wickedly awesome provider also go home to HER significant other (if applicable) and not have to demand that they wear one. It creates that safe barrier between both of you and the great unknown. The likelihood is that you are both very clean and very safe... but why take the risk??? If I can only make one super serious point in this entire thread, it's this. STDs are ugly. HIV is heinous. AIDS is deadly. Nuff said on dat. 9. Fragrance I know it's aesthetics, but we all like to smell good. Many of us have a particular scent that just works with our body chemistry. Not every commercially available scent is good. Ice Blue Aqua Velva is a manly scent that many of your grandfathers wore to cover the fact that their homes had no running water and that they could only bathe monthly. Aqua Velva, Brut and Hai Karate should not be worn by any man with a birth date after 1919. Bay Rum is used by pirates to kill scurvy and to keep other lonely, lusty pirates away. Anything that you purchased prior to the millennium should probably be used as drain cleaner. Febreeze is not an acceptable cologne. Scent should be used in a delicate fashion. You should be able to smell it only at very close range. Ohhhh... and your twig and berries do not require the assistance of any eau de cologne. No. They. Don't. Spray cologne on your arm. Now lick your arm. Lick it again. And again. And again. And again. Now give that arm a suck... oh yeah baby, that's what I'm talking about.... lick that arm until it gives you the goods... STOP. What does your mouth taste like? That's why you don't spray stuff on your tackle and bait. Ohhhhh... and here's a tip for both ladies and gents: If you are somebody that has sensitivities to fragrance PLEASE let it be known at time of booking. We all want to have a sexy time. Runny eyes, snotty noses and swollen tongues ... not so sexy. 10. First contact. Ohhhh the jitters. You have seen her. She is beautiful. She has two of those, and one of those and a great one of those... she has a beautiful mind, she expresses herself so well.... she's funny!!! She's profound. She's smart. She's perfect!!!!!!! I gotta write her. I have to PM her and ask if we can get together. I went to her website and checked the rates and the menu (like all SMART hobby guys do ;) ) ... and now I am ready to write her. I know what I want... I have the money put aside (thanks for reminding me of that Old Dog!!)... I am .... FUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKK.... what do I write??? Dear Alotta Fagina ... I have a 10 inch meat girder pulsing with lusty intent <THWACK> ... you're right maybe I was exaggerating, thanks for the head smack. Dear Alotta Fagina... I have a 7 inch purple python of love poised and waiting for your girl cave <THWACK> ... okay... maybe that sounded a little stalker like, but I do get kudos for being more accurate. Thanks again for the head smack. Dear Alotta Fagina... I have a 5.5 inch throbbing man stick just waiting for you to... <THWACK> ... okay... WTF??? Why do you keep hitting me???? Try "Hi Alotta, I saw your website and would be very interested in meeting you next Tuesday afternoon. Please let me know if that works with your schedule! Thanks, Happy Hobbyist." Simplicity works. You aren't writing a Penthouse letter... you are booking with a professional provider. She knows you are interested. She will see your penis. (There I said the penis word. Whooops said it again.) No need to go into goofy graphic detail... plus when you write that stuff, you get that creepy smile and that's frickin' scary ... stop it now. 11. Bacon Sandwiches. Providers - you know it. Bacon sandwiches save lives. It's not necessarily a deal breaker but I think it definitely would be a pot sweetener if you had bacon sandwiches as a mandatory refreshment at your incall. I like mine toasted with lettuce, tomato, mayo and a little salt and pepper. Cut into triangles, but you don't have to cut off the crusts. MegForFun cuts off the crusts for me but that is because she loves me. Bacon sandwiches will improve your business and will put you that much further ahead than providers who only provide ham sandwiches or cheese sandwiches and much further ahead than providers who don't make any sandwiches. Bacon sandwiches just make good business sense. wait there's more.... later ;)

I love Vitto.... she is absolutely gorgeous, witty, super sweet... and I did I mention she is gorgeous????

I like Andy cuz he makes attempts to rectify his mistakes and he apologizes profusely if he can't make it right. Ohh... he has a great ass. Not that I swing that way, but if I did, I'd be on it like a fat kid on a smartie. That's how great his ass is.

Once in a while you come to realize that so many of our members really don't "get" the whole hobby experience, or rather, they understand that there are rules but believe they are somehow exempt. So let's help them. Let's give some handy tips to make this a more wonderful experience for all. This is a pleasant place so let's keep it constructive... and be aware that the rules shouldn't just be for clients, you can also add some helpful tips that may help a new provider too! Here goes: 1. Appointment time is at 2:00 pm, what time do I arrive? Ummmmm. Hmmmmm. What part of 2:00 pm is ambiguous? A 2 o'clock appointment means you are at her door at 2. Not 1:55, not 2:10. It's seems petty but when you screw up her schedule, you may be screwing up MY schedule. I may be the appointment at 3. I have things to do... and my schedule may not be as loosey goosey as yours. I may be using a very small window of time or I may have "commitments" that see me arriving like clockwork elsewhere. Regardless, when the little hand is at 2 and the big hand is at 12, be where you are supposed to be. 2. "I am awesomely wicked good in bed, and I often masturbate to pictures of myself nude, because I am that good looking. Can we negotiate a better rate?" In a word, No. Would you go to a restaurant and say, "I am a really good eater, can I get a better price on that steak?" Would you go to a lawyer and say, "I am an awesome criminal, can you represent me for free?" Would you go to the dentist and say, "My teeth are so bad that you should fix them all for $50!" A service provider gets paid at a set rate because she is a professional. She is good... no, not just good... wickedly awesome good, at what she does. Your part is the compensation, her part is the wicked awesome part. Pay the pretty lady and be happy. 3. Cleanliness is next to godliness. Ever step into an elevator and stand next to someone who smells like they have never met a bar of soap they liked? Ever met someone that looked like they were an extra in the Walking Dead? Have you ever gone into a bathroom after someone and wondered if they ate something dead? Step one. Go to the potty. Do your business. Wipe. Wipe again. Wipe again. and then, wipe again. Do the optical test. Last wipe. Is there any residue? If yes, start over. If no, then proceed to step two. Step Two. Shower. Clean EVERYWHERE. Rinse. Repeat. Did you pay attention to anywhere in particular??? Hmmm??? Go back to those places. Make em sparkle. (at this point I do suggest that artificial glitter is NOT necessary.) Get out of the shower. Towel dry (for pete's sake use a clean towel!)... apply a generous amount of deodorant/anti-perspirant. Brush your teeth. (if additional grooming is required, please do that too.) Step three. Clothing. Go to the place where you keep your clean clothes. No. Not the place where you put the stuff that you THINK you can wear again. The CLEAN clothes. You know that stuff that you just took from the dryer and folded nicely?? That's the stuff. Wear that shit. Uh oh... what if I have to do step one again?? Then repeat ALL the steps. Cuz skidmarks are not sexy. Febreeze showers are not acceptable. 4. I have to cancel, what do I do? Give your head a smack. With a hammer. Stop. Now take a pointy thing and stick it with great force into your upper thigh, avoiding the artery. Now, go to your car. Start it. Open the door, put your foot beneath a tire and have someone put that car in reverse. Cancellations? NOT COOL. We all know that shit happens. A death in the family. A sick kid. Decapitation with farm machinery. Thermonuclear war. Explosion of your planet from a death star ray. That shit is acceptable.... but you still owe the pretty lady an explanation AND a cancellation fee. When you cancel, providers don't eat. When providers don't eat they get distended bellies and look like kids from the CARE commercials. When you cancel, providers give not only you, but also your city, a bad reputation. This makes you masturbate more. Because you will never get laid again. Ever. You will over develop muscles in only one arm. Your clothes will fit poorly. People will figure it out and suspect you are the notorious masturbating king of cancellations. They will hunt you down and kill your family. Let's keep little Bobby and Joanie safe. If you make an appointment, keep that appointment. Your family will love you for it. 5. "I'm a little short on cash. Do you think she will notice if the envelope is a bit short?" In a word, yes. She will also point out that your penis is a bit short.... and that your skill level is a bit short... and that you cry like a bitch when you have your pathetic little man-gasm. Do you want that??? Do YOU WANT THAT, bitch??? Wow. That was a bit over-emphatic. Gonna step away from the computer and take a valium. BACK!!!! Where were we... yes. Shorting your provider. Not COOL. Remember, providers have special powers. They communicate telepathically. As soon as you walk out that door, she will know and so will all of her allies in the super friends. They will combine their superpowers and make sure that you never get wood again.... and if you do, it will be at inappropriate times... like at funerals or family gatherings or when talking to your grandfather or something like that. Seriously?? Give your head a shake. If you are short then GET the money and make sure you have it set aside BEFORE you book. You will have a wickedly awesome good time... just pay the pretty lady what you agreed to and enjoy! 6. Can I pay her in drugs? Hmmmm. Does your banker take drugs in lieu of money? Have you offered Rogers drugs in return for their cable/home phone/cell phone/internet bundle? When you get groceries at Loblaws, do they have a special drawer that says "financial equivalent in drugs?" You know the answer. "No, you addled-pated simpleton." Remember the distended belly part from above? Providers take cash because cash buys groceries, pays bills and looks pretty. Carrying cash will not get you arrested. Using cash is the engine that runs our capitalist society. "All you need is cash, cash is all you need." The Beatles sang that, I think. Your turn....

I don't do either but if I did, it would definitely be the watery kind. Waiting in line at the bottom of a hill to catch a ride to the top of the hill, only to try to make it back to the bottom of the hill without breaking limbs or freezing bits that I wish to keep makes me scratch my head.... Landing strip or smooth?

I just found out that I can't be pope. They sent me a list of reasons: 1. You sir, are a horndog. 2. You sir, look horrible in a red full length gown. 3. You sir, are not so much Catholic. 4. Finally, you sir don't speak Latin and before you get all uppity, pig Latin is not real Latin. Hmmmmph.

she kinda reminds me of Fiona Gallagher (Emmy Rossum) only with much bigger boobies!!!

There was an image.... holy crap!@!!!!

Katherine knows how I feel about her privately, but this is the public place to express it... love ya hun!!! Take care and be good.... xoxo

Big hugs to Gabriella... and I am not accountable if my paws start to wander a bit!!!

Beer. Sadly all gone now.... but the stories it inspired... priceless.

Had the most amazing night with some of the most amazing people I know... it's a rare night when stories include tales of monkey ear rape.... true story.

Meh... it's all good. Period. Beats the option my ex gave.... No Period Sex and No Sex, Period. Carmen Electra? or Carmen Sandiego?

It probably works best on a slower day with a higher dancer to customer ratio. I don't know about you, but for me an SC is like being a kid in a candy store... every way I look there is something that catches my eye... and unless you have a specific dancer with whom you have a developed rapport, it's so much fun taking a dance or two from all of the beautiful naked ladies who catch your eye!!!

... dancing like he's the only guy in the room. He's got a big tummy and a tiny speedo BUT he has elan... the absolute joy of living. We should all be so lucky to have days like this! http://fb-troublemakers.com/man-in-speedo-is-the-best-dancer-in-the-world-8805/