Old Dog

6. When a large breasted expendable friend is unavailable, use substitutes (again almost every horror flick, ever) Okay... You knew this would happen. You've gone to the cabin a few times and used up all your large breasted expendable friends. No fears. Three other options are available. Your tough friend, that played high school or university football. Yup. The arrogant meathead that still wears his letterman jacket. The one that was a guaranteed pussy magnet in those days of old. Let's face it. You never liked him anyhow, you were just waiting for the ones that he turned down. He's always a good candidate for sacrifice. Once he is done, you can also substitute the whiny little sister that no one wanted to come, but tagged along anyhow OR the hipster tree hugger that wants to hand the psycho a flower and smoke illegal drugs. Those ones are great alternatives PLUS there are a ton of them around. 7. Before 1980, anything that left the road exploded. (Pretty much any movie made before 1980) You know it. Cars, trucks, vans, semis, cube vans... anything that veered off the road in a chase scene exploded. No particular reason. It happened in historical dramas too. Chariots, covered wagons, carriages, horses, mastodons, wooly mammoths, old people, children, dog sleds... they all exploded too. I'm sure of it. Of course prior to 1980 I used a LOT of umm.... supplements... that's it. Supplements and explosions. Nuff said. 8. Everybody had a memorable phone number. (Every movie EVER) "Hey babe. What's your number?" "Ohhhh your cute... I'll write it on a napkin. 555-1212." 9. The CIA has a dedicated team armed with harpoons and orange wetsuits, just in case there's a need to have an epic underwater 200 man harpoon battle to save the world. (James Bond - Thunderball.) Yup. I believe it too. How else would you defend the world against a 100 man team of evil agents dispatched by a cat loving bald guy, dressed in black wetsuits and carrying equally lethal harpoons??? C'mon folks. This is REAL!!! 10. The Empire has a massive army, but none of them can shoot for shit. (Star Wars IV, V, VI, I, II, III) No wonder the Emperor and Darth Vader were so freakin' cranky. The Empire was gigantic and there must have been a BILLION stormtroopers but none of them learned how to aim. 11. Chinese people are incredibly patient and very very polite. (Every Kung Fu movie) Ever notice? Bruce Lee gets in a battle with a group of Chinese martial artists and not a single one of them said, "Psst, we should all attack the little bastard all at once. We'd have a great chance and beating the crap out of him." Nope. Politely, they all waited their turn to be given an ass whooping by Mr. Lee. Nobody said, "Hey, wouldn't it be easier just to shoot him?" Nope. That would not be honourable. Gotta love Chinese people.

So.... I have been watching a LOT of movies lately. LOTS. There have been great ones and not so great ones. There are valuable lessons to be learned from every movie that you watch.... here are a few from me. 1. Never trust a bald guy with a cat. (James Bond, Austin Powers) Lots of bald people on the planet. Lots of people with cats, too. You combine the two???? Deadly. Bald guys with cats generally belong to evil organizations that want to dominate the world. They have tanks filled with piranhas, sharks with lasers, ski teams with AK47's, and all kinds of other nasty things around their homes. Sure, they may seem polite and well spoken BUT... don't trust them. 2. Monkeys are fucking EVIL. (Planet of the Apes, 28 Days Later, Wizard of Oz) Sure they look all cute and such, but that's because they live in the jungle or if they are near people, we keep them in cages. Let those little bastards out and they will attack. In force. Super intellectual orangutans, brutish gorillas, scientific chimpanzees, rage infected baboons, winged gibbons... thank god we don't shave them and give them cats. 3. The 5 second rule does not apply to zombies (The Walking Dead, Dawn of the Dead... pretty much any movie that is premised on zombies and has "dead" in the title) Zombies are nasty. Sure they may have been humans at one point, but as part of their zombie union agreement, they had to forego the 5 second rule. So forget lying on the ground for a few minutes to make yourself less edible. You can roll around in dirt, cow poop, gravel, swamp slime... whatever... Zombies don't care. They'll still eat you. Bald, cat loving zombies started this practice. 4. Take off your glasses and become a different person (Superman I, II, III, IV, up to MCMLVXIII) It happens all the time. I walk around in my secret identity. I wear glasses to read. When I take them off, people wonder who I am. I put them on and they recognize me. Wear different glasses and I am different again. I take the different glasses off and I am the same unrecognizable guy. Superman was a genius... but not an evil genius. Superman had hair, and no cat. 5. When taking a vacation at a cabin, always take a large breasted expendable friend. (pretty much any horror movie, ever.) Here's the deal. We all know that psychos, axe murderers, chainsaw wielding demons, other-worldly beasts and bald guys with cats like to hang out in deeply forested regions with isolated cabins. Soooo... accompanied by a large breasted expendable friend, you go to the cabin. Send her in. She will explore the cabin whilst you unpack the car and do other things. If you hear a blood curdling scream (either coming from the dead animal filled basement or the really creepy cobwebbed upper floors), repack the car and leave. It's that simple. Ohhhh... and don't take a large breasted person that is actually likeable or has other redeeming qualities. Just take the expendable kind... I think they are listed on Kijiji. Sooo.... what are your life lessons???

The OP said "Can't say I'd want to meet with a girl that openly racist." The short answer? Don't, if that's the way you feel. This is not a defense of the provider in question. I have no idea who she is, where she is located or what services she provides. Her presumed beliefs do NOT reflect my own. We can draw all kinds of conclusions in our own minds as to why the provider has set this proviso. Without her being on the board and willing to defend her stated preferences, we're all blowing hot air. There could be a MYRIAD of reasons that the provider has stated this publicly. If it affects you directly, then that's one provider that you can't see. Move along to one of the countless providers that WILL see you. She is NOT the only person in town offering services in exchange for remuneration. If it doesn't affect you directly, then you also have the choice to see or not see that provider. It's up to you. Just food for thought.

Just a couple of side notes.... the current Supreme Court of Canada is comprised of 9 judges. The politics of the court appear to be heavily weighted on the conservative side; 7 of the 9 current justices sitting on the Supreme Court of Canada were appointed by Conservative or Progressive Conservative Governments. Six judges (Nadon, Wagner, Karakatsanis, Moldaver, Cromwell and Rothstein) were appointed by our current Prime Minister. One judge (LeBel) was appointed by Chretien. One judge (Abella) was appointed by Martin. The Chief Justice, Beverly McLachlin, was appointed by Mulroney and ascended to the role of Chief Justice under Chretien. The current laws surrounding prostitution pre-date confederation. Prostitution in and of itself has NEVER been illegal in Canada. It has only been the laws surrounding prostitution that have evolved in the past 150 years. The solicitation (1972)/public communication (1985) laws replaced the vagrancy laws that existed since 1759. Brothels and pimping/living off the avails laws have been extant 1759 as well. There has been an appetite for prostitution in Canada for a very long time apparently. We have had the opportunity for the past 254 years to make the trade illegal, and NO government in the interim has made a move to change the status quo. I must also add that the current government has 22 months left in its mandate. An unpopular decision in the next 12 months will linger politically; the current climate sees that 56% of Canadians already believes that the current government has a poor performance rating and 73% of Canadians do not see good performance (very poor, somewhat poor and average combined). Just some political food for thought.

Just saw one of those Viagra ads that cautions "if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours, contact your doctor." Sorry Viagra. If I have an erection that lasts for more than 4 hours, I am calling every woman I know and getting them over to my place as quick as I can. I mean seriously. At my age, that is probably the last opportunity I'll have to have MSOG... or even a really good SOG.... or hell... even umm.... well... you get the picture. My doctor is not that good looking. She'd probably want to make my erection go away. I think there is something in the doctor's guide to sex with patients that forbids them from doing anything really fun with my penis. Whew. I need more meds.

I had an AMAZING sleep last night care of my local emergency room doctor and my pharmacist. Felt an attack coming on and popped a little pill!!! BAM. I have no idea whether I had an attack last night or not... morphine, I love you.

Just got home from emergency myself. Last night I had the worst gallbladder attack of my life... the pain exceeded anything and everything I felt when I had my heart attack. WHY DOES EVERYTHING THAT TASTES AMAZING CONTAIN FAT????? Aaaaargh.

Perfect. If it's MEANT to happen, it will happen. If you try to avoid it, it may come back to bite you on the ass, either in the way of deep regret or in the way of losing her as a friend anyhow. If you go with it and it doesn't work and you see EARLY that it's not going to work, get OUT quickly. That way you can salvage the friendship without severe and critical damage to the emotional part of your heart and equally as important, her heart. I've been there. I still pine for the friend I lost when we ended our relationship as a couple. I loved her. My kids loved her. But too many hurdles presented themselves, and in the end I not only lost the woman I loved, I also lost a friend, who like all friends, is irreplaceable. I was smart enough to avoid that for the last few relationships... two of whom nearly became Mrs Dog (I guess that would make them my bitches... hmmmmm.) Anyhow.. like CuriousM7 said.... follow your heart.

Have a fantastic day sweetheart!!! xoxo

Congrats my friend... you are one of the great ones!

Just got home... it was an AMAZEBALLS time once again. Thanks to Loneskater and MisterT for arranging the festivities... and thanks to all the friends, old and new that attended. Best of all, to each and every one of you that wanted to attend but couldn't, or did attend... have a fantastic Christmas and an incredible New Year. I look forward to seeing you all very very soon!!!

All of my kids Christmas gifts. In one hour. At two stores. I am the ULTIMATE ninja shopper.

I watched the Lions-Eagles game on Sunday... this was almost the feel....

Monkeys with machine guns. Sure they look really cute, but those little bastards are trained killers. Ninja monkeys are worse. Zombie ninja monkeys are even worser. Don't get me started on the Vegan zombie ninja monkeys with machine guns. That's even worserer. The worserest? Hipster vegan zombie ninja monkeys with machine guns - they don't even need the guns. They are lethal. I think I need to talk to my doctor about the meds.

Butter. It's freakin' everywhere. It's in freakin everything. I LOVE the taste of butter in stuff. Try to find a delicious treat in this festive season that doesn't contain butter or fat that doesn't taste like a triscuit or melba toast. CAN'T. BE. DONE. This boy will be pouting this Christmas. Or indulging in buttery treats, waiting six hours then writhing in pain for the six hours thereafter. Then pouting. I don't need freakin' Dr Seuss. I already am the proud owner/operator of the Gallstone that stole Christmas.

Not a corporate shill.... I have an ex that broke my heart that works for this company... but what a fantastic surprise. Enjoy:

I let him know that I missed bacon. A LOT. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

Got GREAT news from the cardiologist. He's happy with the progress that the heart is making, he's changing the meds that make me dry cough/choke my lungs out AND... he is giving the surgeon permission to eviscerate me and remove that DAMN GALLBLADDER! PLUS!!!! I spent an afternoon with a wonderful young woman!!!

They've eased up on the unrealistic expectations on women... now it's time to hit the guys. No one has arms that long. I can't wrap my arms around you twice. I cant reach the stuff that is on the balcony of the person who lives above us. I can't grab the balloon for the kid who's crying as it floats away.... dammit.... I'm just a man.

Feeling a little blue and a ray of sunshine from Southwestern Ontario texted me out of the blue (because she knows she can!!!) Kerri... you made my night!!!

Bastage!!!! I have an appointment with the surgeon Monday.... he will give me the go ahead to get 'er done. The stone? Make an "o" with your thumb and forefinger (like you are giving the manual signal for 'OK')... the hole in the middle??? THAT'S the size of my gallstone. It's the mother of all gallstones. I believe it may even have minions. Little stones. It's the "Sly" in Sly and the Family Stone. When the stone is gone, I'll be singing "Thank You (Falettinme be mice elf agin) Oh blessed bacon.... I'll have you soon....

Dealing with a gallstone that refuses to let me eat BACON. Damn thing.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not dead nor am I bound for heaven. I think hell is a bit extreme... I'm actually looking for some kind of alternate afterlife... like Valhalla. Valhalla is the viking paradise where you get served by lusty buxom maidens in metal bras and horny hats. I believe the size of the horns indicates the level of readiness. If there is an afterlife... Valhalla is whether this dog is headed.