Grocery carts.

[pipercub 795]

I must admit that untill recently I have never had to do any major grocery shopping. I must say that I was appalled by my experience and came to the conclusion that there are no rules regarding shopping cart travel. I would love to know from fellow cerbites if there is any tricks to the trade as to how you manage this task without getting maimed for life.

[Old Dog 179138]

Rules for grocery cart travel

 

1. Always book through a reputable grocery cart travel agent.

 

2. Test drive your cart before accepting it as your final choice. Beware of:

(a) Wonky Wheel - the cart that has a wonky wheel will whip your cream, scramble your eggs and bounce your beef. Wonky wheels are generally a front wheel that flutters wildly at any speed beyond a crawl.

(b) Skid wheel. - the antithesis of wonky wheel, skid wheel locks up and makes it feel like you are pushing a snow shovel through three feet of snow rather than gently pushing your cart.

 

3. Avoid persons with blue hair, support hose, polyester pants, and thick glasses. Sure. They look like grandma. That's what they want you to believe. They are hell spawn. They use the innocent guise to take out their built up rage by targeting the Achilles tendons of anyone in their vicinity.

 

4. Avoid families. Families tend to park their carts in the dead centre of an aisle with the sole purpose of dominating a section and blocking you from getting what you want. Skirt around them and hit them from behind, using skills you learn from blue haired people.

 

5. Produce section. Vegan and environmentalist alert. You will see them, the gaunt and urban hip, patrolling the free range lettuce section. They sneer at your factory farm celery and prepackaged carrots. Fuck em up by taking the pepperoni sticks that you are going to buy, opening, eating and breathing on them. They will flee.

 

6. Dairy section. Frequently dominated by egg inspectors and milk carton expiration checkers. Nothing you can do about these, they are implicit in the region. Flatulence seems to be a short term plan to drive them off briefly, but they will return.

 

7. Frozen food aisle. Only a boon in the summer time. Personal experience says that it is impolite to ask buxom young women to remove their parkas mid winter whilst strolling in this section.

 

8. Bread and pastry aisle. Perhaps the one safe haven in the store, you can protect yourself between the standing piles of bread and pastry.

 

9. The checkout. Take the mid size line. The short line will be dominated by people who have healthier food than you and will mock you for the Pogos, pop tarts and frosted flakes in your cart. Longer lines are dominated by families sending their offspring for one last thing, alcoholics paying for their discounted food with dimes, nickels and pennies, and the blue haired people attempting to use coupons that expired in the 1970s.

 

10. Best advice? Move to a town that lets you shop online and delivers the food to you.

[Andee 220524]

Old Dog: You forgot to cover grocery cart etiquette once outside - in the parking lot!!

[Old Dog 179138]

Angela... I thought I would just cover the absolute basics in the first lesson....

[Andee 220524]

Yeah, watch those families who take up more than cart and double park at the cash register!

 

Old Dog: Just to add then:

 

Just a reminder to return those carts to those little huts because as God is my witness, if you don't, one of them end up on an incline and roll right down, smack into the side of a car. Every car I ever owned had a trophy shopping cart dent.

 

Unless you want to get back at your enemies, follow them to where they shop and set one up for take-off!

[Old Dog 179138]

 

Her butt crack ate her clothes... just think if you got your cart any closer.

 

 

She will launch you back into the 70's. Your cart will be full of jello molds and shredded carrots, Kraft Green Goddess Salad Dressing, and Macaroni and Cheese loaf.

 

 

One of the most dangerous. Adults pretending to be kids.

 

 

The last line of defence... the belly repelly.

[pipercub 795]

Old Dog you crack me up and I see I have a lot to learn.

[Old Dog 179138]

Advanced lesson # 1

 

Wonky and skid wheels are not the only cart hazards.

 

Lesson # 2....

 

 

You are there to pick up GROCERIES... mind you, this is an alternative to CL.

 

Lesson # 3

 

Sometimes, blue haired people have funny hats and power carts. Be afraid, be very very afraid.

[Victoria Banks 21899]

The people of walmart LOL where do you find these sites? :sm185:

[Old Dog 179138]

The people of walmart LOL where do you find these sites? :sm185:

 

 

Cindy... there are tons of fun sites.... you have to be patient and surf like crazy!!!!www.peopleofwalmart.com

[NotchJohnson 214123]

Either that lady has a tail, or Barney is stuck somewhere he may not want to be.

 

I like talking to her because she always seems so surprised and interested in what i?m saying. That, and because she kinda looks like the old lady in Adam Sandler?s Eight Crazy Nights.

Oh, wow! Do you call the cops or invite him over for some beers so you can listen to the craziest stories ever told??.in perfect jibberish?

[Old Dog 179138]

Advanced lessons

 

Now that you have mastered the basics of a grocery store, let's deal with more specifics.

 

1. Children - Children in a grocery store are a menace. Okay not all of them, just the rampant rogue children that play in the aisles. Remember the Blue hair ramming skill? Use it. Obviously these children were brought to the grocery store and set free because their parents thought them expendable. With working reproductive organs, these children can breed like feral rabbits.

 

2. The wanderer - Wanderers manifest their presence by parking their cart in front of the section that you wish to peruse and dashing off without their belongings. It is perfectly acceptable to take anything good from their cart and then push it into the drug store section and fill it to the brim with Vagisil, Lice shampoo, feminine deodorant spray and extra large bottles of lubricant. If you have time, place a large number of English cucumbers next to the lube. Continue shopping thereafter.

 

3. Fruit fondlers - In every produce section there are claw fisted old people that wish to feel every piece of fruit and the occasional vegetable. They will spend hours fondling, sniffing, shaking and knocking every piece of fruit until they find the right one. The only way around this is to offer alternatives. Using a carefully hidden megaphone, announce 5 minute specials on adult diapers, laxatives and efferdent. Old claw handed fruit fondlers will be drawn away, allowing you to get the produce you desire.

 

4. The cell phone block - A recent manifestation, the cell phone block happens when a person blocks a complete aisle in order to hold a 45 minute conversation with their BFF. The secret?? A flanking manouevre. Reverse your direction, go down the adjacent aisle and enter the offending aisle from the rear (also known as the Greek spear.) Using cunning, skill and guile, hurl a can of creamed corn towards the cell holding hand. Extra points are awarded for not only knocking the cell phone out of the hand and destroying it, but also for causing concussions.

 

5. The mathematically challenged - In cash lanes clearly demarked "10 items or less" you will often encounter people with 55 items or more. It is a perfectly acceptable practice to kill them. The current kill master is a retired math teacher, Gordon Mitchell, who has 78 confirmed kills notched on the handle of his custom made grocery cart, aptly named the "Mathsassinator."

6. Parking perils - Safe parking practices begin with a careful selection of spots. Careful observation and years of research have discovered that the best place to park your car is directly beside a cart corral. Since absolutely no one returns their carts to the corral, it is logical that your car will be safest there.

[Guest D**** D****n]

Thats funny i always try to park there just for that reason.

[natalielove 101]

Oh my goodness, those people are too funny! The woman changing her baby grosses me out a bit.... poopy perhaps?!? In the same spot where we put our food....

I wonder if grocery carts ever get cleaned?

[West 220]

I always thought the People Of Wal-Mart site was a complete exaggeration until I walked into a Wal-Mart down in the States. My jaw dropped. These people are real! We should all be scared. :shock:

[Piquant 722]

Very funny old dog. The ultimate cart from he'll is the one with both a wonky and a skid wheel. Can't push it straight.

 

The peopleofwalmart site is, well, kinda disturbing.

Posted via Mobile Device

[KenNicholas666 100]

Cindy... there are tons of fun sites.... you have to be patient and surf like crazy!!!!www.peopleofwalmart.com

One site I regularly visit is http://www.darwinawards.com/ . More stories here than video or imagery but these tales of woe are often amazing and, despite the outcomes, genuinely funny.

[J Galt 337]

If you find a good cart, take it home with you, for use on return trips.

[Guest T**E******s]

This has been as eye opening as funny. Best defence against annoying children, vulgar language. If the parents really cared, they would have taught their children better manners to begin with.

 

This method can clear the way in most situations, not just grocery store, although only works if parents are in ear shot. Children find it fascinating. Best to implement the method by pretending to be on your cell phone, it's more inconspicuous and you have plausible deny ability. :)

[qwertyaccount 15793]

The ultimate grocery cart:

[The General 11309]

Not sure this was the advice Pipercub was really looking for, but it is halarious and entertaining. OldDog, where do you get all these ideas from, way too much time I think.

 

I love the express check-outs, and the mathematically challenged people. And every once in awhile, the clerk has had enough of those, counts the items, and sends the person packing, and I don't mean packing to their car, I mean packing to the right check-out. There are usually a few various nice pleasantries exchanged at this point, particularly by the mathematically challenged one. Amazing, they might not be able to count, but they sure no how to swear.

[Old Dog 179138]

Hey General... it was all those experimental hallucinogenics that we were subject to in the 70's and early 80's...