Silent contracts.....very very interesting.....

[Loralee Reach 245]

Silent Contracts

 

By Pat McChristie

 

Men and Women in Relationships: We expect those silent contracts to remain the same after marriage. We believe even daily behaviors should change only when necessary and agreed upon in advance.

 

 

 

We interpret courtship behaviors as promises from our future partners. These become silent contracts we make with each other before marriage.

 

We then expect those contracts to remain the same after marriage. We believe even daily behaviors should change only when necessary and agreed upon in advance.

 

Yet our period of courting has been a time of great deception.

 

We exaggerated our virtues and strongpoints.

 

We understated or sometimes even concealed many of our faults and weakpoints.

 

We took an interest in activities and subjects that had never been interesting before just to please our partners.

 

Men do it and women do it.

 

Why?

 

We were convincing someone to share our lives. We wanted their respect, trust, love, and affection. In short, we were selling ourselves. And our partner was doing the same.

 

During this time we made complex and unconscious contracts with our soon-to-be mates. These "contracts" were rarely discussed and many will eventually be "broken."

 

Because partners feel angry when these unconscious agreements are broken, courtship assumptions should be laid on the table and discussed.

 

Some psychologists suggest we make a list of values and behaviors. The engaged couple should (separately and without discussion) write his or her opinion of how the couple has agreed to handle each issue.

 

 

One of my regular clients got this for me and asked me to place it on Cerb. He estimates that 95 percent of the married men where lured with lots of sex into a sexless marriage....

I leave it up to you to discuss with us.

Thanks ,

LoraLee

:roll:

[wpg2010 203]

I expected that the sex would be less (did not look forward to it but could live with it for her) but what about the loss of attention, affection and kindness. these are deal breakers.

[roamingguy 300292]

LoraLee

Interesting read. And probably there are alot of men in sexless marriages after a sex filled courtship

But there are probably alot of women who didn't realize how much time was going to be spent by their husbands fishing, golfing etc etc etc, instead of spending time with them

My own observation, and this is a generalization, is the courtship period is too short between couples. And the marriage is entered when you've only seen the best of the person (sometimes three months, or less before a baby is born :shock:)...but a longer courtship period when you've seen your fiance "warts and all", and still want to marry them, well you'll probably end up in a long lasting marriage...IMHO

But then I'm single, and only came close twice, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about...or maybe I do???

RG

[Loralee Reach 245]

Yes Roamingguy...courtships are too short....but who is the pretender? both? one?

I am a little confused....years ago, when my mother's courtships were around, she told me that most girls will fake a pregnancy to get married, particularly if they were over 25.....

today, when I talk to my kids (in their 20's and all big and great boys) they are almost in the same issues...lots of sex and attention and "pregnancy issues"

Where we really are?

A good friend said to me not long ago...."I am off the drama times" and it is true....

LoraLee;)

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

When people are dating they are not truly themselves. There is an act put on between 2 people so I believe it when the article mentions deception. Why does the sex end? People get comfortable, become themselves and it's all downhill from there. Once one partner gets what they want, there is no more compromising and you fall into a routine. Marriages can definitely change after a child is born. Call me a cynic (lol) but on the other hand, I've seen long term marriages succeed, even through the hard times.

[Boomer 33202]

I am going to take this from a slightly different point of view. I don't think the contract is silent at all. Generally the couple stands up in front of family and friend and swears an oath, to love, honour and cherish in sickness and health. You should be entering into this contract with your eyes wide open, realizing that you're not going to get all that you want, and the union is going to filled with compromise for both of you.

 

You think about it and either you mean what you're swearing, or you're going to bail when the going gets tough. Going up the aisle and knowing that if it doesn't work out, theres always divorce is a real flaw in todays thinking.

 

I buried my wife after a long illness, and gotta tell you that I wasn't always a saint. But looking back, I regret many things I did and didn't do for that woman. And as for sex, it takes a lot of work on both paties to maintain a good health sex life over the years, but something definately worth the effort.