Help, I think my friend thinks we're going on a date.

[Happyman8 248]

Hey everyone

 

I was sure where on the Internet I should post this, and expect a response. I have been a hobbyist for a couple of years off and on (starting before my wife and I even met), married for 5.5 now. I love her, we get on well, share all kinds of interests. However she has been off work for over a year following an acquired brain injury (severe brain swelling and seizures) she's recovering now.

 

We've has issues for years but we still enjoy each others company but I have always made better friends with women than men (I do have male friends, and see them often. She gets suspicious when I hang out with women, because she is aware of my previous indulgences.

 

I had a coworker the other night have a panic attack at work, and no one seemed to give a shit, I brought her a tea, and told her I experienced panic attacks before and if she needs to talk to message me. So she did, when she felt better, like a supportive person I told her if she ever needs to talk to someone to let me know, now she wants to get together this weekend.

 

At the end of my work days I always wear my wedding ring, and always around her. Is this something she just may not have noticed? OOr something she might not care about? I don't want to just jump in and say "hey btw I'm married so we're not on a date" which is what I feel I should say, but I don't want her to feel awful and I just don't know what to think or do.

 

Thanks, you guys and gals are awesome.

[Brad 49548]

Well, I'm afraid open communication is always the surest bet.

 

But I understand that is easier said than done sometimes and you want to avoid awkwardness. I would suggest....

 

--chat about how you appreciate being friends.

--as often as you can allude to your marriage and wife. "Oh yeah, that reminds me of when my wife and I..."

 

Basically, if you don't act like you're on a date then hopefully she'll understand. And this is of course all assuming she even does think it's a date. Are you even sure she is expecting or needing it to be just the two of you? Maybe you should ask her what she'd think about inviting a couple other co-workers along. Heck, you could even say wherever you're going is somewhere you're wife would enjoy and would like to invite her along! Even if she says no she'd rather just it be you so she could feel comfortable discussing her issues, the fact that you thought about inviting others along would show you don't see it as a date.

 

But end of the day, if dropping hints doesn't do the trick, you're going to have to blunt and just accept a bit of awkwardness.

 

Good luck!

[ElissaMarie 4310]

It's hard to give advice without having all the details but for what I read, it doesn't seem to me like she wants to go on a date. You told her she can talk to you any time and she must have interpreted it as you'll be hanging out all the time. She probably doesn't have many friends. If I were you, I would just ask her if she's okay and tell her that you have plans with your wife but that you will see her at work next week and chat then. That will make it clear to her that you're not really available any time (unless is something serious) and that it would be uncomfortable and difficult to spend a lot of time with her because you have to be spending time with your wife. If you agree to see her this weekend it'll probably be harder for her to understand that this won't be a constant thing and for you to make her understand that.

[Athos 108589]

Go, have coffee. Be somewhere public. See what happens. She may just want to talk with a friend who has been supportive. If she suggests anything else (takes your hand,etc.) just be polite and explain your situation and that you really value and want to continue being her friend.

 

If you go straight to "i don't want you to think this is a date" she might actually be offended that you misinterpreted her intentions.

[Grass_Hopper 18263]

When I want to keep a psychological distance with someone, espescially from the opposite sex, I keep a physical distance (of about half my arm) with that person. This way, the non-verbal is pretty clear, and no unecessary harm is done...

[Tyrion 110]

You didn't mention if she was attractive and your type of lady. What does your wife think of her? If she is younger and more attractive than your wife then your asking for trouble. Even if you two just talk and go out publicly as friends people at work are going to start rumors, new feelings for someone can start out of nowhere too.

If you cant get out of this date then keep it short, like a 1 hour lunch break to get the message across without having to turn her down.

[Guest *Ste***cque**]

So, you and your wife (who you "chose" to marry) are having some issues and you also know she is suspicious of you hanging with women due to your known previous indulgences? What was your question?

 

C'mon, Happyman8, you already know the answer of what you should do. Put yourself in your wife's shoes. She wants to see a male co-worker who may have feelings for her. You find out about this comforting get together and she says "we're just friends". Knowing her past indulgences, would you be a tad sceptical?

 

Btw, just curious, but is your co-worker half ways good looking? Are there any ulterior motives at play here? Something you may not even be aware of? You can help her in more appropriate ways that won't make your wife jealous.

 

Good luck!

[roamingguy 300292]

If it were me, I would tell the co worker that you can get together for coffee or lunch during the week. But you can't be away from your wife on the weekend or after work. That's family time. It's not rude, it reinforces that you are first and foremost married. And this is not looking for more than a casual platonic get together between co workers. You are just getting together to offer support

 

RG

[Happyman8 248]

So, you and your wife (who you "chose" to marry) are having some issues and you also know she is suspicious of you hanging with women due to your known previous indulgences? What was your question?

 

C'mon, Happyman8, you already know the answer of what you should do. Put yourself in your wife's shoes. She wants to see a male co-worker who may have feelings for her. You find out about this comforting get together and she says "we're just friends". Knowing her past indulgences, would you be a tad sceptical?

 

Btw, just curious, but is your co-worker half ways good looking? Are there any ulterior motives at play here? Something you may not even be aware of? You can help her in more appropriate ways that won't make your wife jealous.

 

Good luck!

 

Perhaps you're right and I am asking for trouble. But to be honest there are a lot of issues that plague our relationship. Not to bore with details, but we've been in counselling for a few years, made some progress in communication etc.

 

Her only friends are her family (Mother, Father, Sibling [with mental illness cared for by parents] another Sibling and their partner, and two children) who all live in the same apartment and with whom she hangs out with daily.) I would be ecstatic if she hung out with someone from work, but I get what you're trying to infer, Stevemcqueen. Did I mention that all those people live in the same apartment? When discussing this with my mother, she says "the writing was on the wall bud," when we got together and I didn't see it. Now I things feel stale, with little ability to change things.

 

In addition she's recovering from a severe, life altering illness, after which she'll likely never work again (she's in her late 20's) which is hard for me because I work 50 to 60 hours a week, so her parents are her primary care givers five days a week.

 

The coworker and I also work opposite shifts, me being full time days and her part time evenings, so lunch at work isn't technically an option, but thank you to those who offered that suggestion. So there you have it, I hope I provided enough details to those who asked.

[Guest *Ste***cque**]

You've got a lot on your plate and I don't mean to add to it. I thought maybe you weren't being honest with yourself in your original post about your own motivations. We all do it from time to time, and sometimes we don't even realize it.

 

I wish you well with your future. That's another area you should be brutally honest with yourself as well.

 

Take care.