How Do You Personally Justify Seeing Escorts In a Marriage?

[waterat 20911]

As the great Canadian, Maritimer poet, Ernest Buckler, noted:

 

If you stay celibate

It's like hell a bit

If you mind the pope and never ball

It's robbing Peter to pay Paul

 

:)

[Guest *Ste***cque**]

Since it was brought up I'll give my opinion on sex as a bonfide need. I'm speaking about an individual need, not as a species. Without sexual reproduction as a species we disappear. Still, that doesn't qualify it as a need, more a benefit.

 

There are physical needs and psychological needs. Physical needs are food, sleep, shelter and the like. If you go without these for an extended period of time you can die. Sexual release is not a physical need in that sense.

 

Psychological needs are connection, autonomy, self esteem and the like. You may not die if these are not met but you can go "crazy" after an extended period of time without these needs being met. Sex is a vehicle to achieve connection and it sometimes gets confused as the need, not connection, in my opinion. Even when we masturbate, we're not thinking about our hand. We are thinking about someone, a connection.

 

I'm not discounting the importance of sex to a balanced life. I am simply stating that I don't think it qualifies as an actual need, in the strictest sense. It certainly can be an all consuming drive or craving, though. Opposing views welcome. This is just my perspective.

[Guest st*****ens**ors]

[quote name=capitalCforcougar;761500 and still find it humorous/sad that *one* religion made that soooo important.. when' date=' if they were to *actually* read the bible...(old testament) it says (and I cannot recall the chapter/verse)

"...and he took her into his cave.. and made her his wife"....

hehe wonder what they were doing in there? signing legally-binding marriage documents...? playing a rousing game of Parcheesi perrrrhaps...? naaah.. they were having seeeex! ;)[/quote]

 

 

*grin* I'm fairly certain that's not in the Bible at all. Marriage in ancient Israel (like much of Mesopotamia) had very little by way of formal ceremony. There would be a party, at the end of which the couple would retire to a private space and have sex. The physical act itself constituted the marriage, not a vow or the signing of a document.

 

Marriage is nearly (but not entirely) universal in the development of human cultures, and tends to become more complex and ceremonial in civilisations that a) accumulate wealth beyond that which is required for subsistence, and b) develop structures of authority (civil or religious) that dictate protocols for transactions and contracts.

 

The "traditional" Christian ceremony isn't found, described or hinted at in the bible. It developed much later.

 

Sorry. All totally aside from the op's question.

 

To that. It's a question that I struggle with. In the strictest terms, I agree with Mr.Green: it's clearly unjustifiable in terms of the promises I made (and meant) when I married.

 

However, more than a decade ago my wife lost interest in physical intimacy, even in touch. We sleep in separate rooms at her request, and she is uninterested in counselling, or any consideration of changing the status quo.

 

I love her very much, and have no intention of leaving, but in the last decade have become increasingly unhappy, even desperately so. The notion that, in my early forties, I must resign myself to a future that does not include kissing, touch, or intimacy is fairly wretched to contemplate.

 

Just about a year ago I began, on occasion, to see an MA, or, even more rarely, an SP. I request a few restrictions in the latter case.

 

It's a compromise, and one I am not entirely comfortable with, but it's better than the alternatives I can envision.

 

And I have to say that I have been so very fortunate in the connections I have made with a handful of compassionate, understanding, and lovely women in the last year. To be touched with affection may not be a need on par with oxygen or water, but it has mattered enormously to me.

[capitalCforcougar 16766]

*grin* I'm fairly certain that's not in the Bible at all. Marriage in ancient Israel (like much of Mesopotamia) had very little by way of formal ceremony. There would be a party, at the end of which the couple would retire to a private space and have sex. The physical act itself constituted the marriage, not a vow or the signing of a document.

 

Marriage is nearly (but not entirely) universal in the development of human cultures, and tends to become more complex and ceremonial in civilisations that a) accumulate wealth beyond that which is required for subsistence, and b) develop structures of authority (civil or religious) that dictate protocols for transactions and contracts.

 

The "traditional" Christian ceremony isn't found, described or hinted at in the bible. It developed much later.

 

And I have to say that I have been so very fortunate in the connections I have made with a handful of compassionate, understanding, and lovely women in the last year. To be touched with affection may not be a need on par with oxygen or water, but it has mattered enormously to me.

 

 

I am fairly informed on a few different religions, my good man <grin> and know full well the ceremonies we see today came about far later.. and that most were wonderfully simple parties.. guests eating enjoying music/food.. while the new couple went and consummated their relationship....later rejoining the festivities as a united couple. Pagan/Wiccan ceremonies, called hand-fastings, are still much the same way, and are *so much fun* I perrrsonally have been to a few and officiated a couple of them as well :)

(maaany layers to this cat hehe)

and.. just as an interesting fyi.. on hand-fastings and those types of ceremonies.. the ring that was exchanged (if there was one) was actually 'cut' so it was not 'complete'... the couple were joined for one year.. and at the end of that year.. they were asked if they wished the union to continue.. if they did.. the ring was sealed.. and a 'binding' ceremony took place. If not.. they parted ways amicably.... strange, but true ;)

 

as to not ever having any intimacy in a relationship, as a provider, that is something I see a sadly large amount of... and am always honored to be the recipient of one's attentions.. as much ass I am to offer it... something so terribly, amazingly vulnerable about that.. I cannot resist.. and as much as I do enjoy being a bit of a 'bad@ss' <grin>... it really brings out the tender side of me...

It's also something that, as a provider.. I too miss on occasion.. as I am a single cat.

 

And being the wonderful gent you are @StillOpensDoors.. I would not ever be surprised at you making connections.. no matter the scenario :)

 

*as a side note to my Genesis input hehe.. I had attended a Bible study group.. for my own knowledge... and it was explained that 'taking her' did indeed mean had s3x with her - took me arguing a bit with them to get them to admit it.. but.. hehe .. yeah... ;) =P

_______________________

[kmwq 5477]

Okay, I may have used the word "need", needlessly (Sorry). I'm not being that philosophical about it, what I meant was that I wake up and it's hard so I "need" to take care of it. I'm taking a shower and cleaning down there properly and look it's hard again so I "need" to take care of it. It's bed time and I check in on what's happening on lyla and reading the various forums and it's hard again so I "need" to take care of it or else I can't sleep.

[0000 1845]

celebacy is certainly *not* a 'natural' state.. not for any creature/mammal actually. And it is a long-proven medical fact that sex/sexual release is a 'need' and not always a 'want'.... the build-up of tension, stress et al... is physically/mentally, emotionally draining.. and with the release.. comes the euphoria and relaxation that is also a *need* in order to function properly.

There is a massive chemical release/change when one either has s3x or masturbates.. and acts as literally a 'reset button' for your whole being....that is helpful physically as well as an incredible amount of other things.... so even if there were no more women on the planet.. yes, my dear boy...<grin> you would in fact, become h0rny again.. and again......<grin>.. and again.. you'd just handle it differently hehe

 

As far as the priests.. yeah.. I have long been of the opinion that forcing someone into celibacy is yet another form of instilling guilt...(no offence of course)... because you are definitely going to fail.... no matter how you chose to deal with it... being human, it is almost impossible to go your entire life without any form of that sort of release.

.....even if you are not conscious of it... you actually *have* 0rgasmed in your sleep.. several times before the age of 10... again.. it's a form of release that is muchly needed. And when you think about all the things a body/mind/psych goes through from age 0 to 10.. hehe it's no wonder we need some help lol

 

Although not many mammals have s3x purely for the sake of enjoyment.... as it is largely for procreation.. it will always be a 'need' in some form or another.

 

Quite frankly, I myself go sort of batsh1t crazy if I go a few days with no sort of release. If a person can't sleep, or is feeling particularly stressed/tense... chances are, a little 'solo time' can relieve that... as can a lovely session with a parrrtner <wink> hehe whether 'married' or not ;)

 

... 'marriage' to me, has been turned into something so commercial (much like almost everything else unfortunately..*sigh*....) I have never required a piece of paper to validate a relationship.... and still find it humorous/sad that *one* religion made that soooo important.. when, if they were to *actually* read the bible...(old testament) it says (and I cannot recall the chapter/verse)

"...and he took her into his cave.. and made her his wife"....

hehe wonder what they were doing in there? signing legally-binding marriage documents...? playing a rousing game of Parcheesi perrrrhaps...? naaah.. they were having seeeex! ;)

 

 

Yes, I'm aware of nocturnal emissions/wet dreams, but doesn't that sort of go against what you are saying? It's an indication that if you don't have sex for a period of time, your body will naturally take action, and relieve the buildup. One could also argue that masturbation would take care of this as well, as you say.

 

So while we do have sexual needs, we don't necessarily need to have sex.

However, sex does release chemicals in the brain that masturbation does not, it is said that sex provides greater long term satisfaction vs masturbation, I'm incredibly intoxicated right now, otherwise I would post links to back up my statements (a task for tommmmmorrrrrrow, he drunkenly slurred :D)

 

Additional Comments:

Yeah, I've had way to much to drink tonight for sure, so many good posts here, I'll get back to all of you once I sleep this off, sweet dreams everybody ;)

[Brad 49548]

Think of the need for intimacy not as a need like air or water, but as a human drive that -- generally speaking -- most humans crave or require to be fully content.

 

I would put it on a similar level with our drive to socialize. Even most introverts occasionally want to interact or spend time with others, and those with no social circle tend to be unhappy.

 

Or compare it to the impulse to get out into nature, even if it's just to walk through a park or feel the warm sun on your skin for a stroll. Who hasn't noticed that the longer they're shut up inside during cold, dark stretches affects their mood and well-being?

 

Another example would be the desire to experience art, music, culture, or even pulp entertainment.

 

A person can physically live in a dark a cellar by themselves and no belongings, but you can see how they'd say the sun and company and things to engage with are "needs."

 

Simply put, there's a reason solitary confinement is considered such a severe punishment!

 

Of course, not everyone is the same or going to crave these sorts of things--intimacy or just pure physical sex included--to the same level. Indeed, plenty of people are perfectly content without one or more of the things I've listed. But when we say that companionship and touch are needs, I believe most of us are putting them at this sort of level.

[capitalCforcougar 16766]

Think of the need for intimacy not as a need like air or water, but as a human drive that -- generally speaking -- most humans crave or require to be fully content.

 

I would put it on a similar level with our drive to socialize. Even most introverts occasionally want to interact or spend time with others, and those with no social circle tend to be unhappy.

 

Or compare it to the impulse to get out into nature, even if it's just to walk through a park or feel the warm sun on your skin for a stroll. Who hasn't noticed that the longer they're shut up inside during cold, dark stretches affects their mood and well-being?

 

Another example would be the desire to experience art, music, culture, or even pulp entertainment.

 

A person can physically live in a dark a cellar by themselves and no belongings, but you can see how they'd say the sun and company and things to engage with are "needs."

 

Simply put, there's a reason solitary confinement is considered such a severe punishment!

 

Of course, not everyone is the same or going to crave these sorts of things--intimacy or just pure physical sex included--to the same level. Indeed, plenty of people are perfectly content without one or more of the things I've listed. But when we say that companionship and touch are needs, I believe most of us are putting them at this sort of level.

 

<grin> here I go being the devil's advocate again ;)

 

there is so much scientific proof/studies.. that show indeed it is a physical need... emotional need.. the release of Oxytocin when we touch and/or are touched is almost vital (no.. not like air/water) to our *healthy* survival....

 

a person shut in during winter months *is* suffering health-wise.. the lack of vitamin D creates depression, emotional/mental upheaval... and again, is proven many times over ;)

 

As a complete music addict <grin>..both as a musician and a dancer... I understand the draw to the emotions and feelings that music evokes.. but it isn't a 'drive'.. it is a choice.. (I actually know a few people who *hate* most forms of music.. very strange to me hehe) but it isn't a human 'need'... (for emotional/physical/psychological health....)

 

a person living alone, in a dark basement with no belongings.. sure, they can 'survive'.. but again, not in a healthy way.... aside from the lack of vitamins from sunlight ;)

 

I know of several hundred studies done with infants.. some were touched, stroked.. sang to.. and some were not.. the ones who were touched.. were all through their childhood.. the ones who weren't had tv's for babysitters..and at no point in their entire lives.. did they experience human touch of any kind....(myself, I thought this a rather cruel 'experiment') and the results in the humans they ended up being were

 

the ones who were: functioning, contributing members of society, carried on relationships.. held jobs... were 'fine'......and generally were physically/mentally/emotionally healthy.

 

the ones who were not.. were withdrawn.. had issues with learning from others OR on their own...emotionally incapable of carrying relationships..lacked empathy/compassion...and functioning in any scenario was more than difficult.. most were on medications for the rest of their lives to 'deal with' their issues.... suffered eating disorders, self-mutilation issues....anger issues.....and remained largely single... again, a horrid 'experiment, in my books :(

 

it may not take as long to die from lack of contact.. but myself .. I'd rather go quick if that's what I'd have to look forward to :/

[Tempted Monk 5057]

I still remember myself in my twenties. I was single, I was free like a bird, could have any type of relationship with any available girl around - from casual sex to deep emotional involvement. I simply didn't need escort dates at that time, never thought about this.

I started it being grown up man after many years of marriage, which I still consider to be happy marriage. I wouldn't consider to be together with any other woman than my wife.

 

....if we could all just accept that sex is sex and love is love we would all be a lot happier! To me' date=' if an emotional attachment is created, then it's cheating. Purely physical encounters mean nothing in the grand scheme of things![/quote']

I completely agree with this statement. And escort is "invented" to be the perfect solution for attached couples in this sense. Escort date does not require deep emotional connection (but needs some personal "click" of course) and can keep me very satisfied with my sexual needs.

 

Without dialogue how can there ever be intamacy?

And again I completely agree with this. I believe, not just intimacy in real life but escort date to be enjoyable needs open dialog and communications.

I had an interesting experience regarding this. I have met once wonderful Chinese woman whose English was very limited. I prepared for each date what I wanted to tell her and printed out Chinese translation. First time she was very surprised but very happy and grateful for my efforts. I would say this moved our dates to next level :-)

[OceanMassage 5357]

I got introduced to the concept of polyamory only last year. If I had been 20 years ago, that would probably have allowed to save my marriage. I had a beautiful relationship with my super handsome loving intelligent sensitive husband, best friend awesome communication. But I was not attracted to him, well, my hypersensitive olfactory sense could not stand his pheromones. He, however, was very attracted to me. I was a model when we met. Somehow, subconsciously, i created tons of poor adaptation mechanisms: repeat vag infections, weight gain, vulvodynia... I wanted to be faithful to him and it made me feel terribly inadequate as a woman and as a wife. I even thought I was frigid. I started to drink wine in order to sort of get myself in the mood.

 

Yet it was so seldom that I can tell you at what time and in which position we conceived, a child that I lost. Thankfully. One should never be thankful to loose a child but if I had not miscarried, we would have stayed together. And become more and more miserable. Our friendship was suffering. My belief at the time was "love supercede anything, love is more important then sex". Until one day, unexpectedly, i got the whole sex attraction butterfly etc while I was working on a paper for univerity with a collegue (ugly as f*). That was really unsetteling. I negociated permission with husband to try to seek sex outside our marriage. We arranged an evening where I went out with colleague and he had an escort comes at home.

 

I guess I was so "starved", too young, too endoctrined in my faith principles and because the experience confirmed for him, I was the one regardless of the hardships of our sexuality, I decided to leave him. After 7 years together, I divorced not only a person but a life I loved, a step family I adored, financial security, dreams and projects our companionship had formed. And I knew I was moving into a relationship that would die. (it did within 3 months). Hubby proposed for me to come back. It took all my courage to refuse. It was best for both. Given what we knew of life and what we did not know about other options... A year later he remarried, had 2 kids and the entire story we had tried really hard to build together. I have been mostly alone for the following 18 years.

 

When I was introduced to polyamory last year, it strucked me that it could have been our relationship salvation. Yet, I was then still very judging of people "cheating", either by having lovers or seeing escorts. Until 6 months ago when I opened my mind to kinks and discovered my inclination for ANR.

 

My views started to change. And since I made the switch to become MA, I discovered a world of psychological and emotional pain and suffering I had not realized existed.

 

Because something has not been addressed yet. It was discussed earlier about the don't ask don't tell and the openly agreed upon outsourcing of sex.

 

But something was not addressed. The jail relationship model. Some men are litterally micro-managed by hypercontrolling wives (and it certainly isn't a kink they'd chosen) who will not have sex with them but won't allow them to satisfy their need (and btw sex is a fundamental need see Maslow, the modality to satisfy that need is called a referential need aka hunger=fundamental need to be feed, referential need is pizza or steak).

 

Multi-millionaires men find themselves scraping change to be able to save up until they can afford an Escort.

 

In the past, I considered that it was a lack of courage or spine to not divorce; but I came to realize that it is not that simple.

 

In many cases, there are children involved and these men love their children and were threatened to not be able to see them if they even thought of divorcing. Or, sometimes, life and companionship was cordial or friendly and the financial loss would be tremendous to recover from in the last leg of a professional career making it a big deterrant.

 

If you marry with someone because over all it is a very happy relationship, even if the sex is in the vanilla and just enough category, you evaluate that if things remain the same, you will have a happy life. But when one of the two changes the rules like, being less available sexually, or experiencing an increase of libido, without proposing acceptable accomodation to meet the partner's need, yet requires or threatens retaliation should the partner seeks a way to meet his need, the dilemma becomes very individual and I have come to think one cannot judge how someone will try to meet their needs especially if trying to be as gentle on the whole system as possible.

 

I don't judge anymore. I give unconditional Love. I tap in that very special kind of Love in my work as a MA. I accept unconditionally the human being who entrusts me to help with alleviating his or her need. Massage is a selfless act and gift. I cannot judge anymore. I only Love.

[0000 1845]

Well, there were some other points I wanted to address, but I'm too slow so I'll probably miss a couple for now.

 

1) Sex and intimacy is indeed an expectation in marriage, whether that is right or wrong is another debate, but I suppose if one spouse isn't holding up their end of the bargain they agreed to, then that can be considered justification for a null contract. Even though people may remain in marriages for the good of kids/finances, the marriage terms could technically be considered null and void and sex outside the marriage could then be justified.

 

 

2) Sex and intimacy are 2 different things as far as I am aware. Sex can be a way to express intimacy, or sex can just be sex without emotional context. I find it interesting that some people may see escorts looking for one, and some see escorts looking for the other, often depending upon the life circumstances of the client.

 

Personally I have tried to see escorts for intimacy/emotional connection (being a fairly introverted man having difficulty on dating sites/real life encounters), however I always hit a mental block with intimacy.

 

Specifically I end up questioning whether the intimacy is real because it is bought and paid for. I wouldn't pay someone to be my friend, so I have a tough time paying someone for intimacy/emotional connection rather than just funny business.

 

 

3) I think we might be taking the third topic a little too far, and still not really finding any answers. It's a topic that may very well be debated for many years or decades to come.

 

It's probably time to reel in the premise on this topic, so I want to address the fact that going without sex is not equal to being locked in an isolation cell ;)

 

Also, since we know that sex is not the same thing as intimacy, we can't really say that going without sex will drive someone insane.

If someone has plenty of healthy relationships in their life, and other forms of intimacy, and masturbates regularly, I would say they can be a sane and productive member of society.

 

I know this because I lived this way for 10 years as a virgin, and the only thing that was driving me to have sex was a curiosity about women. When I say "if women didn't exist", I don't mean if they were to suddenly disappear. What I am saying is if women never existed at all and yet I still had a "sex" drive, then it would really just be a masturbation drive. This gives some merit to the fact that some men isolate themselves from women in society and live a celibate life, they do not isolate themselves from human contact mind you.

 

I have to say this has certainly been an enlightening conversation for me, I tried to keep my personal bias out of it and it's probably a good thing I did, because the reality doesn't line up with my personal assumptions regarding marriage ;)

 

I think i've developed a compulsive thanking disorder since joining Lyla, "Need to give just one more thanks, I swear this is the last one :p"

[capitalCforcougar 16766]

Specifically I end up questioning whether the intimacy is real because it is bought and paid for. I wouldn't pay someone to be my friend, so I have a tough time paying someone for intimacy/emotional connection rather than just funny business.

 

You are not paying for the intimacy, you are paying for the 'time'.. the intimacy factor doesn't always happen, being totally honest here, but when it does, it is an incredible thing! if/when you find a provider that makes you feel safe, secure in yourelf and your time with them, *that* would be the provider to stick with and get to know better.. developing that intimacy factor :)

 

Also, since we know that sex is not the same thing as intimacy, we can't really say that going without sex will drive someone insane.

If someone has plenty of healthy relationships in their life, and other forms of intimacy, and masturbates regularly, I would say they can be a sane and productive member of society.

 

Exactly my point, my good man :) so long as a person has some form of healthy physical contact (hugs for example), and healthy relationships.. they will thrive, when they don't... they *really* don't

 

 

I think i've developed a compulsive thanking disorder since joining Lyla, "Need to give just one more thanks, I swear this is the last one :p"

 

"Hello, my name is CapitalC and I am a 'thanking addict' hehe as one who has not only been reprimanded by the mod.. but actually chastised by a few users.. I hear ya hehe still do it.. so the medication isn't working worth beans.... and I'm okay with that ;)

[Guest S****r]

A couple of years ago I wrote a blog post addressing the question. I also wrote one on Term Marriages which is kind of related, as well as one called Monogamy of the Heart which may interest one. I post the first one mentioned here:

 

Will Seeing an Escort Help or Hinder my Marriage?

February 24, 2014

This is a question too personal to one's own unique situation for anyone else to answer, but there are some principles to be taken into consideration.

 

The human heart cries out for intimacy. Intimacy involves, of course, the physical sexual aspect, and also involves the emotional aspect. When one or both of these areas goes unfulfillfed, the human heart tends to cry out that it be fulfilled one way or another. Its very lack leaves us feeling like our existence is unacknowledged and that no one values our worth enough to provide that which will satisfy that longing of the soul. Man(kind) was not created to be alone, and when he (or she) does not experience that intimacy, the need within cries out to be satisfied. Women tend to feel the lack of emotional intimacy keener than the lack of physical intimacy, and therefore are subject to becoming emotionally involved with someone when that need is not met. Men tend to feel the lack of physical intimacy keener than the lack of emotional intimacy. Therefore men are usually more subject to becoming physically involved with someone when that need is not met.

 

In the beginning of a relationship, the intimacy is part of the thrill. Someone knows me. Someone cares about me. Someone cares enough about me to want to know what I am thinking and feeling. Someone is affirming the value of my existence! As time goes on, and life unfolds, that intimacy might grow, might remain strong, or might gradually fade.

 

Perhaps the most conflicting cases are when the partners have already invested years together and created a life with which each of them is to a certain degree (perhaps even a great degree) quite satisfied and happy. The bugger is when one of the two experiences this lack of intimacy to the degree that it affects that one to be tempted to consider finding that intimacy with someone other than his/her spouse.

 

The person struggles with the dilemma--give up all that the two of them have managed to build together to seek out that missing intimacy--or live with that unfulfilled longing for the rest of his or her life? The drive for intimacy is innate and not easily ignored.

 

Many choose to suffer the loss of giving everything up in pursuit of intimacy. Others choose to squelch the longing and live with the sense of loss of intimacy. And others choose to try to do both--stay with their lifelong partner, but find intimacy with another outside that partnership. Some have a secret affair. Some have a series of anonymous encounters. And some seek out the services of an escort.

 

What are the advantages of seeing an escort over having an affair? Some may say that there can be no advantages, but others have discovered differently.

 

Seeing an escort instead of having an affair can help preserve the integrity of the marriage in several ways. An escort will not want to interfere in your private life. Once you close the door and leave your tryst with an escort, she will have no expectations of any kind from you until you book her and come back through her door again. She will not get jealous of your wife, or your family, or of your time spent away from her. She will not turn on you if/when you choose to end it. There will be no threat to expose anything to your partner or family. She will not expect gifts, or time, or attention, beyond the boundaries set by the beginning and end of each encounter. But best of all, your desire for intimacy can be fulfilled, allowing you to remain in a loving relationship with the one with whom you partnered for life, free from resentment and anger over your partner's inabiity to meet your need for intimacy.

 

Will seeing an escort help or hinder YOUR marriage? I can't answer that question, but perhaps as you ponder the thoughts above, YOU can answer that question.

 

I wish you well in your struggle.

Summer

xo

[fortunateone 156618]

 

I do agree that escorts can be a much less demanding, more casual relationship, though there is always the possibility of emotions and jealousy developing. Humans are fallible of course, sometimes it goes beyond the business transaction, and it is a murky line between friendship and romantic love.

 

 

 

Much less demanding? Try 'not demanding at all'.

 

That is the point of escorts versus affairs, or even FWB encounters. The point of escort/client is that emotions and jealousy is not part of it, nor is friendship and romantic love.

 

You clearly have a lot to learn about the difference between seeing escorts and anything else,.

 

 

I also would like to point out that polyamory is not the same thing as something like polygamy. Just because someone has sexual encounters with others doesn't mean it is polyamory. just because someone may have multiple wives, doesn't mean it is all about love either. That's a key element when factoring some cultures, where the marriage is not a love match, it is an arrangement and contract. this contract does not include fidelity, as far as I know. It includes a life long commitment, financially at least, and children. maybe connecting two families and two incomes for a better life for both their parents and their children, but it doesn't mean love.

 

And as C says, you don't 'pay for' emotions and emotional intimacy. If you want/need that, you do it with a GF or dating or your family. i'm not saying there is no emotional component, but it is at the social interaction level, conversation, meeting of minds, whatever. You don't fall in love with an escort on the first meeting and if you did, then there are deeper issues at work here other than should married people see escorts.

[nntsci 11076]

as far as the Christian faith goes, sex outside of marriage is also frowned upon, but I'm not Christian... ha ha.

 

I like my wife. She's a good person and the mother of my children and financially we are much stronger together and able to travel, put our kids through college etc.. I do not wish to hurt her. But we have very incompatible sexual needs. She for example can't even imagine sex when under stress, and I can't deal with stress without it... I love kissing and she hardly wants to kiss at all... she's very boring in the bed... blah blah blah, and after she has an O about a third of the time ruins my climax...

 

So it was either continued frustration, divorce, an affair, or escorts... eenie meenie miney moe... frustration didn't seem like much fun...and as I past my 45th birthday I didn't want to wait any longer; wanted sex while I'm young enough to do it!! Divorce is messy and expensive and would harm my children. Escorts seemed the easier solution as an affair requires the cooperation of another lady who just wants sex (not a permanent relationship). I actually had an affair once, and my wife found out... advice, if you have an affair, don't let the gal give you a hickey...

 

But I was faithful after that for about 22 years until a flirtatious friend drove me over the edge... in part because she would flirt, but then back off... and even though we didn't have an affair she validated every reason for choosing an escort instead... she told me she loved me, send me text messages in the middle of the night, and would act very openly sexual in public when drunk... She did invite me into her house to have a bath together, while she was very drunk (I was sober), but I suggested maybe another time when she was sober -- which never happened). Another problem with affairs is most of the Lady's I meet are at work and I can't get involved with them without getting into employment related to hassles... so hand off.

 

So anyway, now days I stick to escorts because they are less complicated, less stressful, and actually know what they are doing... I don't have to worry about midnight text messages or drunken calls form love sick lovers..

 

 

0000 said "Specifically I end up questioning whether the intimacy is real because it is bought and paid for."

 

For sure, if you are seeing someone for the first time, she is trying to be intimate, but you can only expect so much because she doesn't know you... I can assure you that with the ladies I've developed a rapport with, the intimacy is real... we are friends (in an unusual way)... one lady who I've now been seeing for 4 years, I treat as my relationship advisor... because she is wise in the ways of love. someone else noted how the escort doesn't get jealous and that is one of the delights about talking to her about relationship problems... she takes marriage very seriously...

[0000 1845]

Much less demanding? Try 'not demanding at all'.

 

That is the point of escorts versus affairs, or even FWB encounters. The point of escort/client is that emotions and jealousy is not part of it, nor is friendship and romantic love.

 

You clearly have a lot to learn about the difference between seeing escorts and anything else,.

 

 

I also would like to point out that polyamory is not the same thing as something like polygamy. Just because someone has sexual encounters with others doesn't mean it is polyamory. just because someone may have multiple wives, doesn't mean it is all about love either. That's a key element when factoring some cultures, where the marriage is not a love match, it is an arrangement and contract. this contract does not include fidelity, as far as I know. It includes a life long commitment, financially at least, and children. maybe connecting two families and two incomes for a better life for both their parents and their children, but it doesn't mean love.

 

And as C says, you don't 'pay for' emotions and emotional intimacy. If you want/need that, you do it with a GF or dating or your family. i'm not saying there is no emotional component, but it is at the social interaction level, conversation, meeting of minds, whatever. You don't fall in love with an escort on the first meeting and if you did, then there are deeper issues at work here other than should married people see escorts.

 

You seem to be harboring an incredibly confrontational tone towards me?

Perhaps you are still resentful regarding our dissenting opinions in the first thread that I started here at Lyla. If you intend to try and make this personal, I have to give fair warning that I don't take any debate seriously enough to let it effect my view of the person behind the words.

 

Moving on to your view of escorts. Just because you choose to run your business with a large degree of detachment from clients, does not mean everyone chooses to do so. I have met with some escorts who are perfectly fine to let a friendship develop as well as a degree of emotional intimacy.

 

Other escorts I have met with are right to the point, very disconnected, choosing to maintain emotional distance at all costs. I respect their right to do so but I tend to only visit with these individuals once.

 

Again I will say that polyamory has become a rather all encompassing term. I do agree that the word implies "multiple loves", but it's application blurs the line between love and physical intimacy.

 

You are speaking in absolutes, which unfortunately doesn't often reflect reality. Many different people see escorts for myriad different reasons, and the relationships that develop are not dictated by some sort of escorting rulebook.

 

In the end it really boils down to the same point I made in the bad domination thread. It's my money, and I want what I want, if a particular escort can't at least play the role of an emotionally connected person, then I'll just take my $ elsewhere, no harm no foul ;)

[nntsci 11076]

"In the end it really boils down to the same point I made in the bad domination thread. It's my money, and I want what I want, if a particular escort can't at least play the role of an emotionally connected person, then I'll just take my $ elsewhere, no harm no foul :wink:"

 

I don't think anyone is disputing your right to find a person that you can emotionally connect with personally, but it often takes a few visits to find that rapport. Some people can pretend to be emotionally connected well on the first visit, but I think that's a rarity. I guess I found it once... that is I genuinely connected with a lady so well on my first visit with her that I knew I had to see her again... actually by the second visit I was worried I'd fall in love, but not to worry... (but that's a story for another day).