My GF is an MA, is it cheating?

[kenf 1000]

Guys/Girls, join in on my debate. I found out my GF is an MA after she told me she was a waitress/barmaid. She clearly hid this from me so should I consider this cheating?

 

If I was a single guy, for sure I would enjoy the company of a young sexy MA. But I'm in a relationship with her and we live together. She is doing MA as her career choice, and while she clearly loves doing it, where do that leave me?

 

Is this cheating?

 

Join in on this post, I'm curious what the guys and girls think.

[Gregsand 6116]

Depends on what kind of MA she is. If she only give straight therapeutic massages, I call it a non issue. But if she gives "happy" extras, yes it would make it a little awkward.

[WhereIRoam 21825]

I've posted this before. I've dated a couple SPs and a Dancer, even lived with an SP for a while. I don't look at it as cheating, it's their business. It's not for everyone nor is it the easiest to accept. Not everyone will agree with what I'm saying here so I'm not expecting that.

 

Don't overthink it or talk about it. If she has something she wishes to discuss with you in regards to her work simply let her initiate the conversation. Don't ask what you don't really want to hear the answer to. Obviously, if it's too much for you to handle you need to do what is best for you. Never use what she does against her, you can't do that. The ultimate choice is yours.

 

Best of luck no matter the choice you make.

[MonsieurLaGraine 120]

If she gives extras it is not wrong in itself, but the fact that she hid it definitely is.

[Guest J**ck*9]

I've posted this before. I've dated a couple SPs and a Dancer, even lived with an SP for a while. I don't look at it as cheating, it's their business. It's not for everyone nor is it the easiest to accept. Not everyone will agree with what I'm saying here so I'm not expecting that.

 

Don't overthink it or talk about it. If she has something she wishes to discuss with you in regards to her work simply let her initiate the conversation. Don't ask what you don't really want to hear the answer to. Obviously, if it's too much for you to handle you need to do what is best for you. Never use what she does against her, you can't do that. The ultimate choice is yours.

 

Best of luck no matter the choice you make.

 

 

 

I totally agree with you

 

Let's assume for the moment that your GF may be providing a happy ending and/or extras as you were not specific about this, but judging by your reaction....

 

Although this kind of relationship is not for everyone, it is important to note that this is her livelihood and if it is something that she may enjoy doing. If so, that needs to be respected. This is no different then any other line of work such as a lawyer.... Doctor .... Contractor ....etc... As they say ... "If you love what you do, you will never work a day in your life".

 

That being said, it appears that there is definitely a communication issue at play here as your GF should have been upfront with you about what she does for a living because taking your relationship to the next level should be based on honesty and trust. In fairness to your GF, it may be possible that by getting to know you, she felt that you may not react well to her line of work, hence your reaction and associated post. This can be difficult for her as well as it sounds like she may care for you a great deal but fears losing you if she told you about her line of work.

 

You may need to self reflect on your situation in order to determine, how much you care for your GF and try to understand and appreciate what she does for a living as it sounds like she is able to separate what she does for a living from her relationship with you as her emotional, spiritual, intellectual and, yes, even her physical connection with you seems very important to her. If you are willing to accept this and you care for your GF then you need to have that discussion in order to be clear on where you both stand re: building and nurturing your relationship as well as validating your mutual commitment to investing yourselves equally. If it comes out that you both want the same thing, great, you will both find a way to make this work.

 

God speed my friend

[NotchJohnson 214123]

Is it cheating? This will all depends on how you feel about it. It is her job after all and if she comes home and does not seem happy then it's not for her. You have to support her in her decision if you love her but first you have to accept that it's her JOB.

So she lied about it, she said she was a barmaid/waitress, did you accept that she was doing that as a job?

If it's too hard for you to accept it then best to leave her alone and let her do what she wants to do.

[Guest **ng***1]

This is an interesting question for sure. I am torn as to how I would feel about it if I were in that position. While there have been some very good comments made that you have to support your partner in there career choice, this is a very personal career and if it's a straight up massage without extras, then maybe it's something that you can deal with. But she would be tested on a daily basis with some individuals attempting to get extras because lets be truthful, thats what happens. She would have to be prepared if she hasn't already to deal with that. Also, what happens if/when someone you know, or you both know happens to book a session (either knowingly or not). Then it can get pretty awkward. Clearly a very unique situation that will test any relationship and only you can decide what to do. I would recommend that you both be open and honest with each other no matter what the outcome. Only respect can come from that. I hope you find your answer.

[Gregsand 6116]

The most important thing is her ability to separate work from her personal life. I met many SP, MA and dancers with who had a bf. And most told me some of their restrictions had more to do with respect for them, than anything else. Like one would never kiss or do anal with a client, because this was exclusively for someone she was in a relationship with. But like I already mentioned in another thread, when the relationship goes south who ever is on that bed or table can end up with a little more love than bargained for.

 

But again if she's a straight therapist, you can dismiss all of it as she's more a health worker than an adult entertainer.

[cat 262460]

The initial lie is a problem given the need for trust in a relationship but understandable given the stigma and potential harm that could come if the relationship ends. Providers are most at risk from people close to them; physically, mentally and socially. We are outed by "less than loved ones" 95% of the time so I'm inclined to believe lying about our work is a much needed survival instinct.

 

It's a job, all be it a more challenging occupation for relationships. My gentle suggestion is if the work bothers you in any way, walk away now. It's never going to sit right and will taint the relationship in ways you don't realize yet. Men who can participate in relationships with sex workers either need to be completely neutral or completely supportive internally for the relationship to have a chance. There is no room for a negative gut reaction and you need to be honest with yourself about how you are feeling.

 

This is indeed work, it can be incredibly empowering and gratifying in so many ways. There is aspect of service that most people don't consciously relate to but it's the foundation of this industry. We help people smile and feel better about the world, every time we provide service. It offers us the opportunity for independence and control in our lives which breeds confidence and strength. It gives us the permission, experience and time to grow as people; faster than any other occupation imo as long as she has genuine support from her partner and loved ones or at least a neutral home environment. If she doesn't, it creates an inner conflict that will influence her very soul in devastating ways.

 

I went thru the same thing with my husband when I decided to go back to work. The deception was where the damage came initially but we worked thru that aspect quickly. The next several years were difficult because I could work as long as I didn't enjoy it. I was forced to continue living a lie at home because I couldn't take pride in the work I was doing, I couldn't have a great day or an experience that fed my soul without it turning into a problem. I can count on one hand the number of truly positive relationships I've seen in the industry. As I've said before, it's like finding a diamond in the Gatineau river.

 

I can't even count the number of relationships where the partner uses the work as leverage to guilt and manipulate the provider into paying all the bills, support unhealthy habits, buy him toys and spoil him, all to keep him happy because he has to share his pussy. It's a finely honed form of extortion because if she were a lawyer or an engineer at the same pay grade, he wouldn't feel entitled to such things. The provider ends up wasting the money she should be investing for her future because she wants someone to love her when in fact she's been turned into the most lucrative client and he has become the most insidious prostitute. The man who seemingly supports but contributes nothing is playing the "I love you" con at its worst; it's the traditional pimps most successful business model...

 

smiles, cat

[rocky racoon 2915]

I think cheating has nothing to do with the fact that she is a MA (or any kind of sex worker for that matter). So your question:"My GF is a MA, is it cheating?" is misleading. She's not cheating BECAUSE she's a MA. I believe some MA have perfectly healthy relationship and it doesn't necessarily means they're cheating, even when they're providing extras to their clients.

 

The fact that she hid it from you, though, might be the problematic part. To me, cheating is simply lying to the other. Some couples are perfectly happy to be in an open relationship. This doesn't even have to be symmetrical. In some couples, one of the persons is sleeping with other partner(s), while the other is not. For this to work, everybody involved need to be consenting to the specific terms of their relationship. And, to be truly consenting, one needs to know every aspect of that relationship.

 

Now, Cat makes some very good point about the lies in the initial relationship. I think we all do it when we start going out with someone, consciously and unconsciously. We want to look good so we present the best side of ourselves. We dress up, we hide the dirty clothes under the bed, we don't swear, or burp, etc... Basically, we keep secret a lot of the things we feel might be detrimental to what is originally a fragile relationship. It's not dishonesty, just a desire to convince the other that we can be worthy. It's fine, as long as the true personality come out eventually.

 

If one of the person is a sex worker, she/he has a much bigger secret, and she/he will likely hide it at first. The personal and social risks involved with telling the truth are much bigger when your secret is that you're a sex worker, then if it's that you don't floss everyday. The thing is, once the relationship gets past the initial phase and trust is being built, at one point or the other, this secret should be shared. You don't say how long you've been going out with her, but since you say you live together, I'll assume you're past that initial phase of your relationship and, since you "just found out", I'm tempted to say she cheated on you by actively lying to you.

 

Now, does that mean you should dump her? Not necessarily. It's not because someone cheated that the relationship is irreparably broken. I think you should definitely talk with her about it, not so you can intrude in her professional life, but to make sure you're on the same page on how each other feels about the situation. Communication is key here. Then, figure out whether or not you feel comfortable living with someone who's a sex worker. Only you can decide that.

[Gregsand 6116]

I agree with Rocky on this. This relationship speed bump should be dealt privately with an honest conversation. If that's the only lie and there's no actual signs of cheating, you two should be able to work this out. But if far more skeletons are discovered, then you may have more good reasons to end the relationship.

[Jabba 18389]

Guys/Girls, join in on my debate. I found out my GF is an MA after she told me she was a waitress/barmaid. She clearly hid this from me so should I consider this cheating?

 

If I was a single guy, for sure I would enjoy the company of a young sexy MA. But I'm in a relationship with her and we live together. She is doing MA as her career choice, and while she clearly loves doing it, where do that leave me?

 

Is this cheating?

 

Join in on this post, I'm curious what the guys and girls think.

 

It sounds like you're bothered more by the fact she deceived you rather than her line of work. Not a very good foundation for an honest relationship. You might be asking yourself what other stuff is she lying to (or will lie to) me about.

 

These are the seeds of discontent. I've been there too.

This is who she is. Can you live with that?

 

Although, I have a feeling you've already made up your mind, overall I would say follow your heart of hearts in good judgement.

 

Good luck to you both.

[Gregsand 6116]

And if all fails, there always banana bread, Haagen-Dazs and Dr. Phil.

[Hukupp 1651]

Her chances of convincing you about her and the overall relationship would have been better with honesty from the start. The very proof of this is the inner head thoughts you are having now. Sorry to hear. I guess you have to work with knowing after the fact. If there is anything meaningful to come of this situation, there cannot be any second guesses from this point on. Confident decisions have to be made. I do realize the risks about stating MA job from the start,

but the other factors above outweigh it if there is to be something meaningful. It also depends on how serious one or both parties want the relationship to be. Advice can change easily at a different juncture.

[Gregsand 6116]

Would be a "Shyamalan" twist if she was a member of this board and discovered the faith of your relationship was being dealt publicly. That would crank the awkwardness level to 11.

 

54 years of "General Hospital" and 44 years of "The Young and the Restless" couldn't contain all the drama.

[marriedbutnotdead 3844]

like the other post read, what type of services is she offering.

 

I would like to know how you found out. Were you looking for an MA and came across her add, if so then are you cheating?

[WhereIRoam 21825]

cat and rocky racoon said it best.

 

"We all hide things about ourselves at first."

 

I highly doubt any one of us is exempted from this. Even depending on the length of the relationship at this point does not necessarily determine if she was lying or even deceived you since all relationships move at a different pace.

 

If she is the one who informed you then I feel she must truly care for you and is willing to face you judging her no matter the outcome. Keep this in mind when making a decision. If such is the case you need to not only be honest with her but just as importantly with yourself. IMO, this is the most crucial part of this situation. Perhaps she is willing to take this relationship to the next level. We don't know, only you do.

 

There are too many 'what ifs' involved here with not one of us who are posting knowing full details, nor is all of it our business. For this, we can only assume and/or presume.

 

On the question...is it cheating? "My" final answer remains, NO.

 

As I have read here before, "We are all human, no matter our profession. We all have the desire to love and be loved."

[ssimard1 190]

You decide what the definition of "cheating" is to you.

 

For me, if my gf is giving other guys orgasms, that's cheating.

 

But for each there own.

[Meaghan McLeod 179664]

This reminds me of a post on this board. She posted "my husband is cheating with providers and I just found out". People chimed in, offering various opinions. He was a prolific reviewer, and I guess didn't close out his computer. So, she discovered by logging into his account.

 

However, when he offered his opinion, the thread went dead. He didn't realize he was replying to his wife. They both sort of stopped posting and I've wondered how they made out.

 

So, to the op. Is it OK if you see providers behind her back? Are you upset she is providing services, or that she didn't disclose this up front. Was she doing this before you got together or did she start after your relationship started and you just found out now.

 

Everyone has a tolerance of what constitutes cheating. Their opinion doesn't matter, it's what you feel comfortable with.

 

Only you know the answer. Good luck.

[Guest Prufrock Cummings]

Many excellent posts to this thread, so I can't offer anything more than to say to look within yourself. If you are ok with her occupation, then continue with the relationship, if things are bothering you inside, then walk away sooner rather than later.

 

I wish you the best of luck sir.

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

I would not be worrying right now wondering if this is cheating. That is just the ego part of your brain speaking now because you are hurt. You feel this is cheating on her part because you feel betrayed since she lied to you. She lied to you about something that is a big part of her life which is her job and what she does for a living.

 

You need to confront her about this and decide for yourself if this is the road you wish to go down. You may not be able to trust her again. Ask yourself do you have a problem with her seeing men in what she does for a living? If so, end the relationship immediately.

 

As someone who has been in relationships with men while doing this line of work, there needs to be full disclosure from the beginning which includes trust, honesty and communication.

 

Right now the issue at hand is she lied to you and it happened to be about a job that already has a large stigma attached to it. If you don't feel you can trust her as this is a huge red flag, walk away because there will be resentment and I can tell you this type of work can be very difficult and if she feels she is going to be put down for it, the relationship will never work and you will both come to resent each other.

[canuckhooker 19203]

The big question should be to yourself; how do you feel being in a relationship with a sex worker? Since you posted this thread here I would assume you know a bit about the industry so you should know the answer to that question.

 

If you truly don't have an issue with her line of work then good for you, talk with her, and re-assure her that you understood why she didn't tell you at first but that her possible fears were unfounded.

 

However, if you do have an issue with being in a relationship with a sex worker that is a different story. Judging from how you phrased the question (cheating) I suspect you do have an issue. If that is the case then do yourself and her a favour and cut your losses and walk away from the relationship.

 

At a minimum you are going to continually be suspicious and jealous and if you try to change her or challenge her she is going to be resentful. It will do nothing but cause you grief. You will become paranoid and she will be forced to lie to you more. I can't see a happy outcome.

[cat 262460]

I'm not actually on board with this concept of "she lied to you so you need to question her integrity". Here's why...

 

Being outed this industry can destroy families and reputations causing irreparable long term unrepairable damage. In the future it can cost them their children, future jobs, volunteer positions, friendships and family members. They may not be allowed to participate in school activities with their children or become foster parents, they may not be allowed to volunteer at women's shelters or be employed in the health care industry. They may be denied access to the US or denied for any number of activities. One has no idea how being outed will impact their future. I know because all of the above have happened to me personally.

 

Choosing who to share this fact of our lives with is fraught with very real danger. If it's disclosed at the beginning of a dynamic, the chances of the relationship succeeding are slim anyway; adding this to the mix means the man has power over a provider if she isn't already out. He knows where she lives, what her government name is and probably who her friends/family are. He's seen her Facebook and social media, he now has access to all aspects of her life. All it takes is a single email to blow her life out of the water. It happens all the time with loved ones we've known for years and we've all witnessed the slut shaming women go thru when they break up with someone for valid reasons who aren't sex workers.

 

Disclosing you're a sex worker is a huge leap of faith and to think any woman in her right mind would disclose this up front is absurd and I don't believe any provider should be expected to. A man needs to earn that trust, he needs to prove to her that he is safe and won't hurt her with the information the first time they hit a pot hole in the relationship. She needs to feel safe with him, see how he reacts when he's angry. Is he petty or revenge oriented when he's furious, does he act like a 2 year old or hold grudges? Does he throw things in her face and fight dirty? She owes him nothing when it comes to disclosure until she knows the relationship is first and foremost safe and is going somewhere.

 

Why is it deemed a wrong to protect yourself? I argue it isn't, it's a strong, gut survival instinct that women need to listen to and know they aren't in the wrong because they are trying to take care of themselves. And once she's decided to share this aspect of herself with a man, he should have the wisdom to realize her motivations and accept that it wasn't him, it was necessary for her protection. Then he should thank his lucky stars he has a found himself an honest to goodness firecracker that has a backbone and the ambition to want more out of life and is willing to make the hard decisions and sacrifices to get it. And the cherry on top is... she wants him.

 

smiles, cat

[Guest J**ck*9]

I'm not actually on board with this concept of "she lied to you so you need to question her integrity". Here's why...

 

Being outed this industry can destroy families and reputations causing irreparable long term unrepairable damage. In the future it can cost them their children, future jobs, volunteer positions, friendships and family members. They may not be allowed to participate in school activities with their children or become foster parents, they may not be allowed to volunteer at women's shelters or be employed in the health care industry. They may be denied access to the US or denied for any number of activities. One has no idea how being outed will impact their future. I know because all of the above have happened to me personally.

 

Choosing who to share this fact of our lives with is fraught with very real danger. If it's disclosed at the beginning of a dynamic, the chances of the relationship succeeding are slim anyway; adding this to the mix means the man has power over a provider if she isn't already out. He knows where she lives, what her government name is and probably who her friends/family are. He's seen her Facebook and social media, he now has access to all aspects of her life. All it takes is a single email to blow her life out of the water. It happens all the time with loved ones we've known for years and we've all witnessed the slut shaming women go thru when they break up with someone for valid reasons who aren't sex workers.

 

Disclosing you're a sex worker is a huge leap of faith and to think any woman in her right mind would disclose this up front is absurd and I don't believe any provider should be expected to. A man needs to earn that trust, he needs to prove to her that he is safe and won't hurt her with the information the first time they hit a pot hole in the relationship. She needs to feel safe with him, see how he reacts when he's angry. Is he petty or revenge oriented when he's furious, does he act like a 2 year old or hold grudges? Does he throw things in her face and fight dirty? She owes him nothing when it comes to disclosure until she knows the relationship is first and foremost safe and is going somewhere.

 

Why is it deemed a wrong to protect yourself? I argue it isn't, it's a strong, gut survival instinct that women need to listen to and know they aren't in the wrong because they are trying to take care of themselves. And once she's decided to share this aspect of herself with a man, he should have the wisdom to realize her motivations and accept that it wasn't him, it was necessary for her protection. Then he should thank his lucky stars he has a found himself an honest to goodness firecracker that has a backbone and the ambition to want more out of life and is willing to make the hard decisions and sacrifices to get it. And the cherry on top is... she wants him.

 

smiles, cat

 

 

What an incredible and insightful post Cat ... thank you !!!!!

[Gregsand 6116]

Sounds like something straight out of " The Jerry Springer Show".

 

Can someone please throw a chair!