Friendships advice

[chocolove 150]

I never talk to people about my lifestyle as an hobbyist (or similar) but I have a friends who always thought me as the most nicest guys who never dated a woman and I kinda feel bad since she tried to introduced me to all the nicest girl that she knows. So I wanted to stopped her from doing that by telling her my lifestyle, will this ruined my friendships with her?

 

she just a friends that I just met a few months ago. she is matured and openminded. we have been talking a lot of things together like our problem, but mostly about her boyfriends. and since she is the most nicest people to talk too so I kinda don't want to ruined our friendships.

[NotchJohnson 214136]

I was in a similar situation in my younger days and I met this girl that worked at the local Tim Horton, she was single and so was I. We started hanging around and going to bars on weekends I would drive all the time and she would drink a lot. She wanted to introduce me to all of her friends but none seemed interested. This went on for about 6 months and I got along well with all of her friends. One day her friend told me "why don't you ask her out"(this girl that I met at Tim's) and I never thought about it. Turns out she was interested in me the whole time. Alas it did not work out like I would have hoped.

 

My point is maybe she is interested in you herself.

[Mikeyboy 27134]

I never talk to people about my lifestyle as an hobbyist (or similar) but I have a friends who always thought me as the most nicest guys who never dated a woman and I kinda feel bad since she tried to introduced me to all the nicest girl that she knows. So I wanted to stopped her from doing that by telling her my lifestyle, will this ruined my friendships with her?

 

she just a friends that I just met a few months ago. she is matured and openminded. we have been talking a lot of things together like our problem, but mostly about her boyfriends. and since she is the most nicest people to talk too so I kinda don't want to ruined our friendships.

 

The fact that you are a hobbiest doesn't mean that you are not also "the nicest guy who ever dated a woman". I don't think that those things contradict each other at all.

 

On the other side of the coin, I don't think you should use being a hobbiest to stop her from trying to set you up with her friends. You should simply ask her to stop and tell her that you are not interested in dating at the moment if that is the case.

 

Telling her about being a hobbiest should be a choice you make based on your friendship. What you feel she should know about you and what you think she can handle knowing. (Not everyone will be understanding about it. You have to use your judgement.)

 

Lastly, consider Notche's post above. It sounds like there might be some merit there, but that is just a hunch ;)

Good luck

[Gregsand 6116]

Considering you're pretty much trapped in the "friend zone" and the topic of her boyfriends seems to dominate your conversations, you got not much to lose by sharing that aspect of your life. It may surprise her at first, but if she's as open minded and mature as you say, she'll likely ask questions to know more about it.

 

And once she'll understand what you actually like, she could potentially introduce you to different type of women even if the results may not be better. I know, I've been in a similar situation. But as she'll know what type of man you are, she'll likely just stop trying to find someone for you.

 

That's my two cents.

[Guest J**ck*9]

Considering you're pretty much trapped in the "friend zone" and the topic of her boyfriends seems to dominate your conversations, you got not much to lose by sharing that aspect of your life. It may surprise her at first, but if she's as open minded and mature as you say, she'll likely ask questions to know more about it.

 

And once she'll understand what you actually like, she could potentially introduce you to different type of women even if the results may not be better. I know, I've been in a similar situation. But as she'll know what type of man you are, she'll likely just stop trying to find someone for you.

 

That's my two cents.

 

 

This may be possible. .... However, ....

 

Be careful as you should really consider this from a woman's point of view. True friends look out for each other and as such your friend may not be interested in introducing you to her friends because generally may not want to have a relationship with a man who is a hobbyist.

 

I tend to agree with an earlier post about not sharing that You're a hobbyist for the sake of having your friend stop introducing you to her friends. If you plan on sharing this information you need to be very comfortable with her and trust her with this information as you need to consider discretion ... yours specifically.

 

I would also consider Notch's advise that your friend may actually be into you and is using her lamenting about her boyfriend as a way to let you know that she is not being treated right or respectfully as she has been quite tgat she considers you "the nicest man she knows".

 

Try letting her know that you consider what her boyfriend is doing disrespectful and that you would never treat a woman that way ......

 

.... see what she says..... you never know where that conversation may lead to.

 

Good luck

[Hukupp 1651]

Having well balanced women as friends is the best thing ever. They also make the best wingmen :) but that is for another discussion. Once you have experienced a ton of their emotions and situations within their VAST range of capabilities, only then will you have a better idea of how one will react, so obviously judgment is key. Wishing you the best!

[Gregsand 6116]

This may be possible. .... However, ....

 

Be careful as you should really consider this from a woman's point of view. True friends look out for each other and as such your friend may not be interested in introducing you to her friends because generally may not want to have a relationship with a man who is a hobbyist.

 

If that woman values her friendship with a man, she won't share that information with her lady friends. I understand the goal is not to use this as a way to stop the unwanted matchmaking, but unnecessarily kicking the can down the road is also not a solution.

 

If that friendship is gonna last, that information will eventually come to light. Better sooner than later. If he doesn't want to share that aspect of his life, he better come up with something else with equal impact. In my case, I didn't told her I was seeing SP's but shared the fact I was meeting women online and on phone-chat for FWB relationships. Even if a bit different, it can be seen as better or worst depending on how you look at it.

 

If he wants to go that route , I doubt the end result will be different.

[Guest J**ck*9]

If that woman values her friendship with a man, she won't share that information with her lady friends. I understand the goal is not to use this as a way to stop the unwanted matchmaking, but unnecessarily kicking the can down the road is also not a solution.

 

If that friendship is gonna last, that information will eventually come to light. Better sooner than later. If he doesn't want to share that aspect of his life, he better come up with something else with equal impact. In my case, I didn't told her I was seeing SP's but shared the fact I was meeting women online and on phone-chat for FWB relationships. Even if a bit different, it can be seen as better or worst depending on how you look at it.

 

If he wants to go that route , I doubt the end result will be different.

 

 

That may be Gregsand, but the OP stated that he only met his new friend a few months ago, so how well does he really know her? As compared to her knowing her friends for much longer. My guess that her loyalty is to her girlfriends at the moment.

 

Until his friendship with her grows and evolves to one of deep loyalty, true friend connection and trust, I would hold off on telling her.

 

Again, just my opinion

[Gregsand 6116]

That may be Gregsand, but the OP stated that he only met his new friend a few months ago, so how well does he really know her? As compared to her knowing her friends for much longer. My guess that her loyalty is to her girlfriends at the moment.

 

Being loyal to her lady friends doesn't mean telling them deep secret about someone else. And certainly not when they don't need the information.

 

Also, the great thing about being stuck in the "friend zone" is having nothing to lose. If she's a blabbermouth and dismisses a lobbyist without knowing what it's all about, it should be more than enough reasons to rethink your friendship.

 

Better know this sooner than much later.

[Gregsand 6116]

I think this is too much information...How does being a hobbyist change anything?

I would just follow one of the advice and say as much the oP appreciate the intention he is not ready to date if he wants the ''suggestions'' to stop,if he wants to change zone go ahead but being a hobbyist is irrelevant to the friendship...

 

Being a hobbyist doesn't change anything, but the type of relationships a man seeks does. And certainly to someone who tries to be a matchmaker. There's ways to say things without screaming out loud they meet escorts. In my case, I just said I was seeing "friends with benefits". If I pay or not or whatever the arrangement is not really her business, but at least she had an idea of what type of man I was without going too deep. The way I see it, other than the money there's not much difference between being seeing an SP of a FWB. How much he wants to sugarcoat this aspect of his life is up to him.

[Tempted Monk 5057]

...

Lastly, consider Notche's post above. It sounds like there might be some merit there, but that is just a hunch ;)

Good luck

+1 on this. Before telling anything about your escort hobby, try to find out if she is really interested in you more than just a friend. It looks to me that it is very possible. And that is a different situation.

[Gregsand 6116]

I agree with the comment below. There continues to be a strong stigma in society when it comes to Sex Workers and their clients as discussed in the following study:

 

''Stigma and Discrimination

 

 

I think we can replace the word "discrimination" with hypocrisy. And that works for men and women. I never visited a male stripper club. But from what I heard, what's tolerated there would get a man booted out quickly from a conventional strip club. For some reasons, many women seem to lose self-control when part of a group, but then lecture you because you watch porn on the internet. And while many men pretend they never pay for sex , they got no problems giving "gifts" to a mistress or pay for extras in the back room of a strip club. To each their own I suppose.

 

And like I already mentioned, the information doesn't need to given straight. There's plenty of ways to tell someone you seek alternative relationships. And if the person opens about her own kinks, you can gradually bring it to the conversation.

[Phaedrus 209521]

I'm inclined to agree with the consensus here. Telling someone that you see escorts is not a trivial thing, given the stigma that surrounds the whole industry. If you want your friend to stop trying to set you up with people, then just ask her to stop. I don't see that you need to justify it.

 

If you really need to tell her anything, you could just say that you've met someone online recently. You don't have to lie... just don't volunteer *everything*.

[Guest *ass**x]

You risk killing a friendship by telling her. She could be outraged and feel you deceived her about the kind of guy you are (i.e. she could be very judgemental). Why risk it? Everyone has secrets. It will add to your mystery and that is never a bad thing.

[Jasmine Rain 23126]

If that woman values her friendship with a man, she won't share that information with her lady friends. I understand the goal is not to use this as a way to stop the unwanted matchmaking, but unnecessarily kicking the can down the road is also not a solution.

If that friendship is gonna last, that information will eventually come to light. Better sooner than later. If he doesn't want to share that aspect of his life, he better come up with something else with equal impact. In my case, I didn't told her I was seeing SP's but shared the fact I was meeting women online and on phone-chat for FWB relationships. Even if a bit different, it can be seen as better or worst depending on how you look at it.

 

If he wants to go that route , I doubt the end result will be different.

 

To the first bolded statement - I know many men who hobby and never tell their male friends, yet the friendship lasts no problem. People who have been friends for 20-30 years and never share a single hobbying experience. Friendship lasts no problem so I don't see how that information has to come out at all.

 

To the second bolded statement, dating multiple women in the eyes of a most civil woman is not nearly has bad seeing escorts. There is no better or worse there. Hobbying will always be 99% worse then having FWB type relationships.

 

Unless he really knows her personal stance on the hobby, I would advise him to just keep his mouth shut.

 

The risks are very real for him. The loss of the friendship, her telling others that he knows about what he is doing. The stigma, etc. You can call it whatever you want, hypocrisy or whatever, but it is not about your opinion on the difference between what women do and what they say. This is about reality and for him, he runs a real risk for telling her.

 

To the OP:

 

1. She does not need to know about your hobby.

2. Don't stop going on civilian dates just because you hobby.

3. Don't date others only if you don't want to and if you don't, then just tell her you are not interested in dating right now because that would be the truth.

 

 

Good Luck

[Gregsand 6116]

To the first bolded statement - I know many men who hobby and never tell their male friends, yet the friendship lasts no problem. People who have been friends for 20-30 years and never share a single hobbying experience. Friendship lasts no problem so I don't see how that information has to come out at all.

 

To the second bolded statement, dating multiple women in the eyes of a most civil woman is not nearly has bad seeing escorts. There is no better or worse there. Hobbying will always be 99% worse then having FWB type relationships.

 

Unless he really knows her personal stance on the hobby, I would advise him to just keep his mouth shut.

 

People are surprisingly open minded on the subject, but also very hypocrite. Ask or tell them directly and they will deny and shame you for it. But if you gradually bring it up and slowly test their open mindedness, you'll see surprising answers. I lived in Quebec City for a while and was often called a pig because of my honesty about sex. But many times those same women later admitted they did far worst in the popular male stripper club(now closed). It's just a question on how you raise the subject.

 

Chocolove's main concern was the fact he wanted her to stop being a matchmaker. And I suggested saying he had a FWB because it accomplishes the same result without screaming "I pay for sex". On the scale of social acceptability it can be very different from identifying yourself as a lobbyist. But if you remove the preconceptions and hypocrisy out of it, both are very similar. Once she knows he's seeing someone for intimacy, she'll give up on the matchmaking. And if he wants to remain vanilla to her , that's up to him.

[Jasmine Rain 23126]

People are surprisingly open minded on the subject, but also very hypocrite. Ask or tell them directly and they will deny and shame you for it. But if you gradually bring it up and slowly test their open mindedness, you'll see surprising answers. I lived in Quebec City for a while and was often called a pig because of my honesty about sex. But many times those same women later admitted they did far worst in the popular male stripper club(now closed). It's just a question on how you raise the subject.

 

Chocolove's main concern was the fact he wanted her to stop being a matchmaker. And I suggested saying he had a FWB because it accomplishes the same result without screaming "I pay for sex". On the scale of social acceptability it can be very different from identifying yourself as a lobbyist. But if you remove the preconceptions and hypocrisy out of it, both are very similar. Once she knows he's seeing someone for intimacy, she'll give up on the matchmaking. And if he wants to remain vanilla to her , that's up to him.

 

I am sorry this was a thread about him, not what you think or feel is hypocritical behaviour. I don't know why you keep discussiing that. Maybe a topic for another thread???

 

Your advice read more at the beginning like he should just tell her that he used SPs and if she was a "real" friend, she would accept that.

 

Considering you're pretty much trapped in the "friend zone" and the topic of her boyfriends seems to dominate your conversations, you got not much to lose by sharing that aspect of your life.

 

 

The FWB part I guess came indirectly later if you want to look at it that way, but it read to me that your advice was for him to tell her about this hobby.

 

I simply disagree for the reasons stated. Reality is 9/10 you will be judged for it, so I would never advise someone to do it unless they knew all the risks involved. You can't know another persons risks by a few post on a forum. Not on something like this, so play it safe and refrain from talking about this hobby.

 

My opinion is all.

[Gregsand 6116]

I am sorry this was a thread about him, not what you think or feel is hypocritical behaviour. I don't know why you keep discussiing that. Maybe a topic for another thread???

 

Your advice read more at the beginning like he should just tell her that he used SPs and if she was a "real" friend, she would accept that.

 

 

 

The FWB part I guess came indirectly later if you want to look at it that way, but it read to me that your advice was for him to tell her about this hobby.

 

I simply disagree for the reasons stated. Reality is 9/10 you will be judged for it, so I would never advise someone to do it unless they knew all the risks involved. You can't know another persons risks by a few post on a forum. Not on something like this, so play it safe and refrain from talking about this hobby.

 

My opinion is all.

 

Not saying he's hypocrite, but simply that most people are on this subject and others like their masturbation habit and porn consumption. But if you're patient enough in your approach(and a few glasses of wine), you can slowly get to know more about their private life and slowly share yours. Again, one doesn't need to share everything from the start. With a few bottles of beer, wines, Sour Puss and a few sessions of "Truth or Dare", you'll know quick enough when she'll be ready to know the information.

[Jasmine Rain 23126]

Not saying he's hypocrite, but simply that most people are on this subject and others like their masturbation habit and porn consumption. But if you're patient enough in your approach(and a few glasses of wine), you can slowly get to know more about their private life and slowly share yours. Again, one doesn't need to share everything from the start. With a few bottles of beer, wines, Sour Puss and a few sessions of "Truth or Dare", you'll know quick enough when she'll be ready to know the information.

 

I quess we are both speaking English just not the same English apparently.

 

I know who you were referring to when speaking of hypocrisy. I don't see what that has to do with him telling her anything. Maybe because I don't play "games" or get people drunk to get to know them. IDK

 

Anyway - moving on past that, I think we both gave our own advice on the issue so I will bow out now.

[Gregsand 6116]

I quess we are both speaking English just not the same English apparently.

 

I know who you were referring to when speaking of hypocrisy. I don't see what that has to do with him telling her anything. Maybe because I don't play "games" or get people drunk to get to know them. IDK

 

Anyway - moving on past that, I think we both gave our own advice on the issue so I will bow out now.

 

I was just making some examples. To quote the first "Men in Black" movie: "A person is smart, people are dumb". It just a question of a little patience.

 

Have a nice evening.

[Jasmine Rain 23126]

I was just making some examples. To quote the first "Men in Black" movie: "A person is smart, people are dumb". It just a question of a little patience.

 

Have a nice evening.

 

Again, I have no idea what that has to with his thread or my post so I have no idea why you posted it.

 

I think I would find it easier if you just stuck on point and didn't try to cloud said point with creative writing attempts. But that might just be me.

[Gregsand 6116]

Again, I have no idea what that has to with his thread or my post so I have no idea why you posted it.

 

I think I would find it easier if you just stuck on point and didn't try to cloud said point with creative writing attempts. But that might just be me.

 

It's maybe my way of expressing myself and I apologise for it. But my point from the start is simply that people are always far more open minded than they led to believe. I find wrong to assume she would immediately reject it.

It's just a question of sharing the information at the right moment once they open up about their own intimate experiences.

 

It doesn't mean Chocolove's friend would embrace it. But there are ways to know her opinion on the subject without giving everything away.

[Jasmine Rain 23126]

It's maybe my way of expressing myself and I apologise for it. But my point from the start is simply that people are always far more open minded than they led to believe. I find wrong to assume she would immediately reject it.

It's just a question of sharing the information at the right moment once they open up about their own intimate experiences.

 

It doesn't mean Chocolove's friend would embrace it. But there are ways to know her opinion on the subject without giving everything away.

 

That would be a matter of opinion and not reflective of facts.

 

I am sorry. I also think that getting a person drunk to "open them up" would only invite BS when they were sober. But I assume you would then pull the hypocrite card if they did change their opinion the morning after.

 

I guess I see in a way some of what you are saying. A cunning con man will wait until the right moment to lure a person into whatever the con man wants like talking about a little here or a little there. Always hinting so that you are the one to actually bring it up and then they pounce.

 

Or kind of like the person who wants to borrow money. They will talk about their hard financial issues hoping you will offer to help instead of directly asking.

 

It all seems like games and manipulations to me.

[Gregsand 6116]

That would be a matter of opinion and not reflective of facts.

 

I am sorry. I also think that getting a person drunk to "open them up" would only invite BS when they were sober. But I assume you would then pull the hypocrite card if they did change their opinion the morning after.

 

I guess I see in a way some of what you are saying. A cunning con man will wait until the right moment to lure a person into whatever the con man wants like talking about a little here or a little there. Always hinting so that you are the one to actually bring it up and then they pounce.

 

Or kind of like the person who wants to borrow money. They will talk about their hard financial issues hoping you will offer to help instead of directly asking.

 

It all seems like games and manipulations to me.

 

You're making this sound far more sinister than it actually is. It doesn't take a mind or drinking game to get someone to share personal stuff. It's simply a question of gaining their trust by gradually sharing some aspect of our lives.

 

Maybe it's something not everyone can pull off, but I did on several occasions without being pushy or drinking someone under the table. I never forced anyone and won't start now.

[Jasmine Rain 23126]

You're making this sound far more sinister than it actually is. It doesn't take a mind or drinking game to get someone to share personal stuff. It's simply a question of gaining their trust by gradually sharing some aspect of our lives.

 

Maybe it's something not everyone can pull off, but I did on several occasions without being pushy or drinking someone under the table. I never forced anyone and won't start now.

 

Maybe it is that "chosen way to express myself" that is getting in my way, but you were the one who brought up drinking to loosen someone up, you were the one that brought up talking in pieces and half statements to gather intel. You also brought up that a person's opinion is not always their opinion and unless you probe them a bit you don't find out their "real" feelings

 

For me, if I want to know someone's opinion on something, I ask them and I take their answer at face value then call it a day.