Heart Broken

[Guest amber_smith_1987]

I don't want to tell my lifestory here or anything but I've got some things on my chest I just need some people to give me some feedback I guess. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years now (i'm 20) and we have a 3 yearold daughter together, we lived on the mainland for about a year. Things between us got really weird, all he would ever want to do is drive down kingsway and seymour to look at the ladies, which made me feel really poorly about myself. He's always been emotionally abusive towards me but things got so bad I had to move away to van.island where my parents are. He ended up moving back here to try and make things work, but we were apart for about half a year. He jokes around with me all the time that he had "activities" with more than 100 escorts, and tho he says it jokingly I dont find it very funny, I think he could partially be telling the truth. It would sure make sense why he would always get paid and then be broke a few days later... Anyways, for a long time I would just get angry with the gals every time I drove by, jealous and all that but I finally see that its not really their faults, part of my jealousy is that I don't feel as sexy as they look, I'm wondering if someone can give me some exercise pointers as to how they look so perfect.

[mod 135639]

Hmmm, sounds like a dear abby post... let's see...

 

First ... Escorts and street walkers are very different (in most cases). Typically street walkers are in a very bad situation... higher risk of drug abuse, higher risk of std's and sti's and are typically charge a lot less for any "Services" offered to support drug habits. (I said in most cases... this is true for over 90% of the street walkers)

 

6 years together with a 3 year old kid... meaning you had the kid at 17 prego at 16 and been with this guy since you were 15. He obviously had no or very little experience before you and he probably felt trapped with a kid and very little life experience sexually... Wasted some good teenage years. A persons interests and tastes change significantly from 15 to 20 years of age and nothing you can do will change that.

 

It's probably not that he does not find you attractive ... it could be but my guess is that he missed out on his sexual development and wanted to see what else is available.

 

If he had been with 100 escorts over the year he had better have a good paying job cause even on a budge that would cost him no less then 20+ grand. If he was interested in the street walkers then he could have probably afforded it but that sounds like some sort of serious addiction and if he is already abusive you better get yourself some counseling if you are thinking of trying to fix that relationship!

 

Maybe he got it out of his system? Maybe he came back for the kid's sake? I don't think asking questions like this on a escort discussion board is going to help you solve your problems or answer your questions... marriage council and maybe a shrink could probably do you some good.

[Guest amber_smith_1987]

Thanks for the comments... I really dont think thats what it is though, he had already been with quite a few gals before me, and he was the one who wanted a baby so badly. Infact he's completely obsessed with me and possesive... the irony is that he calls me degrading names all the time when I've never even cheated on him. I guess it boils down to the fact that he's just got some serious problems.

 

I know posting my message here might seem pointless but it actually does help me a bit so thanks again.

[d*mm*y 887]

Yes you have entered into the lions den as it were, we are all deviant in our behaviour, SP's, Hobbiests, Lurkers, and readers. However even in this group that you have contacted your boyfriend?,ex-boyfriend is still at the bottom of the barrel. I don't know you or your situation however I have met possessive abusive guys before and they always struck as owners rather than partners it is like there significant other is a cow or sheep that they own, any behavior other than what is clearly laid out as an expectation commands an angry response sort of like the cows breaking a hole in the fence and then the farmer needs to get out the cattle prod.

[Guest amber_smith_1987]

Yes.. as disturbing as your metaphor was, it's true. But I didn't mean to make a post about his possesive trait, just about the streetwalker or escort issue.

[cat 262460]

Dear Amber,

 

His possessiveness is directly linked to his behavior concerning the other. He is doing it to hurt you, it is part of the abusive nature. My advice....get out, get strong, stay out! Baby or no, this is something that will kill your spirit and devastate your soul. Abuse is intolerable in any degree. We are all precious in our own right, and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect always. He obviously doesn't get this, and won't until you stop allowing him to treat you like a doormat. There is a difference between the men who use our services because they have an itch that can't be scratched at home. They love their wives and would never rub it in their faces to make them feel less worthy. A man who blatantly use other women to tear you down is dangerous, and not deserving of a woman, much less a daughter!

 

If you don't stand up for yourself, your daughter will learn the same traits. Every incident will imprint on her impressionable beautiful young mind, and damage her. Every word, every action leaves a black mark on her heart. What kind of example are you giving her? She will spend a lifetime thinking that it's normal and you will watch her repeat your patterns. Walk away from the drama and focus on raising your daughter. She is your only priority and responsibility that matters in this situation. There are gov't services for these situations and also private shelters. Find someone to talk to, that will help you with putting together a life management plan and an exit strategy.

 

As we say at home, "pull your head out of your a** and stand up for your bay. She is entitled to better....

 

Catherine

[chelsea 100]

Dear Abby????

[Guest amber_smith_1987]

Cat- Thanks for your comments, they are really inspiring. The advice given is already known but it really helps to be reminded. Thanks again.

[cat 262460]

Dear Abby????

 

Not Dear Abby, just someone who has spent too much time with girls like Amber and have seen what happens when they stay.

 

Cat

[brandi 231]

I don't want to tell my lifestory here or anything but I've got some things on my chest I just need some people to give me some feedback I guess. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years now (i'm 20) and we have a 3 yearold daughter together, we lived on the mainland for about a year. Things between us got really weird, all he would ever want to do is drive down kingsway and seymour to look at the ladies, which made me feel really poorly about myself. He's always been emotionally abusive towards me but things got so bad I had to move away to van.island where my parents are. He ended up moving back here to try and make things work, but we were apart for about half a year. He jokes around with me all the time that he had "activities" with more than 100 escorts, and tho he says it jokingly I dont find it very funny, I think he could partially be telling the truth. It would sure make sense why he would always get paid and then be broke a few days later... Anyways, for a long time I would just get angry with the gals every time I drove by, jealous and all that but I finally see that its not really their faults, part of my jealousy is that I don't feel as sexy as they look, I'm wondering if someone can give me some exercise pointers as to how they look so perfect.

 

 

If you want pointers on how to look sexier then go to a beauty salon and get a make over, if you cant afford it some places like merle Norman cosmetics offers them free. Treat your self to a make up lesson and new hair style. Go to an expensive dress shop and let the staff pamper you with trying different outfits. Buy one and don?t feel guilty. Let the professionals in the fashion and beauty industry do their job and give you a dynamite make over. Feeling Sexy comes from the inside and everyone idea of what sexy is, is quite different.

 

Amber I am sure that you have heard it before but I would suggest to start by taking some self empowerment/ self esteem courses or classes. Somewhere in your community there has got to be something for you to attend so that you can feel better and more powerful in your life so that you may make better wiser decisions not only for you but your child because as Cat said children learns from what they see and that includes the non spoken.

 

Something that I learned is that sex to men is like talking is to women. I believe Men need sex differently then women. When we are all upset and stressed we call our pals and talk, when men are stressed or upset they have sex. Or at least this is what I have noticed working as an escort. However if your bf is seeing a lot of SW he probably has an addiction no different then gambling. If you can live with that fine it is your choice but you can not change him he has to change on his own and that may not happen so I wouldn?t sit around waiting for him to turn over a new leaf unless the benefits really out weigh the negatives. As soon as you get on with your life he will most likely do everything to try and win your attention again. Ask your self why you stay with a man that disrespects you so much. I don?t ask that for you to answer here but to think about nor do I ask to upset you but to hopefully open your eyes as any lady with high self respect for herself and her child wouldn?t put up with that. There are many services in the community that can help if you seek them. Good luck.

[Guest katia]

I don't want to tell my lifestory here or anything but I've got some things on my chest I just need some people to give me some feedback I guess. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years now (i'm 20) and we have a 3 yearold daughter together, we lived on the mainland for about a year. Things between us got really weird, all he would ever want to do is drive down kingsway and seymour to look at the ladies, which made me feel really poorly about myself. He's always been emotionally abusive towards me but things got so bad I had to move away to van.island where my parents are. He ended up moving back here to try and make things work, but we were apart for about half a year. He jokes around with me all the time that he had "activities" with more than 100 escorts, and tho he says it jokingly I dont find it very funny, I think he could partially be telling the truth. It would sure make sense why he would always get paid and then be broke a few days later... Anyways, for a long time I would just get angry with the gals every time I drove by, jealous and all that but I finally see that its not really their faults, part of my jealousy is that I don't feel as sexy as they look, I'm wondering if someone can give me some exercise pointers as to how they look so perfect.

 

Hon! You can try to go to the gym or doing exercises. You will only get benefits from that. If you don't feel well inside you can try to go see a pchychologist if you like. It will help you to see clear. You may feel better after. If not you can call the help line, they are there to listen and they may give you few good advices.

[mod 135639]

Abusive people don't stop being abusive... at least not without a lot of help and even then I personally don't know of anyone who would say it got any better.

 

Getting out is probably the best advise you have got here so far. Sounds like the baby issue was for his insecurity thinking it would help insure that you did not leave him. You have opened the flood gates if you took him back and mental abuse is just as bad (if not worse) then physical abuse. Chances are if he is that abusive your child will also be the punching bag.

[Elle 1961]

You've already been given a lot of great advice here. I would add that years of being with an abuser will wear down your self-esteem no matter how beautiful you are. It's not you, you are good enough as you are. He is the one that needs to work on himself. In the meantime, you shouldn't wait around for him to change. If you have the cash to order it, or can find it in the library, this is a wonderfully insightful book on the topic of abuse :

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

I like that it not only explores physically abusive relationships, but emotional and manipulative relationships as well. The author has divided them up into 9 archtypes, but you may find yours may borrow aspects from several of the "types". Sometimes with an abuser, it can be difficult putting your finger on exactly what it is he does that's emotionally abusive and/or manipulative. This book lists off common behaviors of abusers and you may find yourself checking them off as you read them. Its much easier to deal with a problem when you can name it precisely.

[amadeus65 113]

amen cat amen

[Joyful_Jillian 102]

Fantastic answer Brandi - you're so right, beauty comes from inside when you feel great about yourself. I'm not a natural beauty and didn't always feel so good about myself as I do now either. But I did exactly what Brandi said.

 

Last year I went to MAC cosmetics and they gave me a make-over and showed me how to get started with a very minimal investment, then they showed me how to apply it. I love MAC - their products are long lasting.

 

Amber, it was a step by step process. When you do a small thing you feel better, and it makes you able to take a bigger step. In my case I started to feel better because I looked better, then I started to lose pounds because...I just FELT BETTER about myself and pretty soon I'd lost 45 pounds without even really trying. I bought a pedometer, counted steps, and built up gradually from 10,000 (super-easy) to 100,000 (moderate) steps a day. Walking more doesn't cost a dime and it works. So does belly dancing - I learned to love my middle (sort of) and hips again -- and it's damned sexy feeling too. You can get your groove back girl - I know you can. Get some fashion advice - big girls can look real fine.

 

Like Brandi said, empower yourself to leave this guy in the ashes of your emergence. Be an example to your daughter or she could learn to seek the same kind of man when she's older. If this is the way she is conditioned to associate as "normal", this is the version of "normal" she could repeat if you don't make different choices in men.

I thought at first Amber made an odd choice of community to seek out for support. She would probably get the same advice on any board on the internet but I suppose if the man she loves is addicted to seeing SPs, then talking to us could at least put more a human face on her problem. Her man seeing SPs causes her pain but she obviously doesn't view us as the enemy.

[Guest L.M. (No longer a member here)]

Hon! You can try to go to the gym or doing exercises. You will only get benefits from that. If you don't feel well inside you can try to go see a pchychologist if you like. It will help you to see clear. You may feel better after. If not you can call the help line, they are there to listen and they may give you few good advices.

 

Katia had a good point. Take care of yourself. You are way more important than a person who is ABUSING YOU and who is trying to take your life for absolutely nothing. No respect, no happyness and no financial support although you had a baby with him. There is so many better men out there.

 

I would add that years of being with an abuser will wear down your self-esteem no matter how beautiful you are. It's not you, you are good enough as you are. He is the one that needs to work on himself. In the meantime, you shouldn't wait around for him to change.

 

You should never give any consideration to anyone who is lowering your self esteem. Never! These kind of men are mostly very insecure and complexed inside. It could be due to your presence or they may feel inferior to you or other people. They need to put you down to keep you. There is clients like that too. Thank god they are not all like that! As long as you see clear. Some of these guys are called misogynist and I found few books about this topic. I wish you the best in your new life and hopefully you will be able to move on and get rid of this.

 

http://www.amazon.com/MISOGYNISTS-SOURCE-BOOK-Fidelis-Morgan/dp/0224025678

 

http://www.amazon.com/Violence-misogyny-patriarchal-rhetoric-Newsletter/dp/B0008FWR2G

[Mika Luv 105]

Find a Sugar Dad who is married and live your live. Lol!

[Matt2008 100]

I haven't read every reply here, so this has probably already been said...

 

While getting into shape is advisable (health wise et...) it's not going to turn an abusive jerk into a prince. While you're young & your daughter is little, get the hell out of this 'relationship' before your daughter grows up thnking that being belittled by her future partner is normal. I don't care if a person is male or female... straight or gay... if you are being physically or emotionally abused by a person who claims to love you, kick'em to the curb & move on. Life is short, why spend it in a drama filled (potentially violent) relationship?

 

As for exercise etc... (for your OWN self asteem) check out the women's workout forums at various sites... www.elitefitness.com used to have a good female forum. Or try Body for Life. Just avoid anything to do with drugs or odd supplements. Live a healthy lifestyle physically & emotionally and set an example for your child.

 

*general statement* People, if you're being put down, humilated, beaten, etc... by your partner, get out of that relationship. It's better to be on your own than live like that.

 

Just my 2 cents. *Steps off of soap box*

[Guest katia]

Katia had a good point. Take care of yourself. You are way more important than a person who is ABUSING YOU and who is trying to take your life for absolutely nothing. No respect, no happyness and no financial support although you had a baby with him. There is so many better men out there.

 

 

 

You should never give any consideration to anyone who is lowering your self esteem. Never! These kind of men are mostly very insecure and complexed inside. It could be due to your presence or they may feel inferior to you or other people. They need to put you down to keep you. There is clients like that too. Thank god they are not all like that! As long as you see clear. Some of these guys are called misogynist and I found few books about this topic. I wish you the best in your new life and hopefully you will be able to move on and get rid of this.

 

http://www.amazon.com/MISOGYNISTS-SOURCE-BOOK-Fidelis-Morgan/dp/0224025678

 

http://www.amazon.com/Violence-misogyny-patriarchal-rhetoric-Newsletter/dp/B0008FWR2G

 

Thanks Megane! You have a good point too... You are way more important than a person who is abusing you or lowering your self esteem. Often they do it by intention. There shouldn't be ANY consideration for anyone who does that. We are in 2008. Choose someone who fits to your level. Amber good luck in your new life and I hope you'll find better people.

[Guest amber_smith_1987]

Thanks everyone, I got so many good replies on here I am actually a little surprised! This has helped A LOT. It's mothers day and he called me up today and I said "what are you doing" and he goes "Well nothing now, I was doing a girl last night though, will you come over now?". What the hell?! It's mothers day and that's how he starts the convo up? It really puts how much of a jerk he is into perspective, I feel like I don't even care anymore about him I guess that means I'm ready to move on. Thanks again for all the suport, it kind of refueled my power if that makes sense heheehe. Happy mothers day to all you mamas :-)

[Guest sewsyerface]

Hey Amber. There is an old Chinese saying that says ... roughly ... a smart person learns from there own mistakes, and a wise person learns from the mistakes of others. Far too many of us have been in abusive relationships, but have tried to change themselves and forget the lessons already learned rather than confront the problem for what it is. In a way, the dumb ass did you a huge favour today, and I hope you don't forget it. Hell, write it down and stick it in your pocket for a while, because some time in the near future you may be feeling down and he may call, and it would be a shame for you to forget that you can do SOOO much better.

 

Happy Mothers Day.

[Guest L.M. (No longer a member here)]

a smart person learns from there own mistakes, and a wise person learns from the mistakes of others.

 

Well! Better be smart and wise at the same time. It surely can save us from a bad situation. I heard before; Better be safe than sorry. Right?

 

Thanks everyone, I got so many good replies on here I am actually a little surprised! This has helped A LOT

I'm glad our help did help you and I hope it did help other as well...

[Carole 214]

Hi Amber,

 

I'm so sorry to hear your story. You didn't say how old your ex-b/f is but he sounds older than you, possibly by several years. That can also be a sign of control and immaturity in a guy. What I do know about him is he is an expert manipulator.

 

Look at the situation from this perspective. If your best friend was telling you all of this, what is the advice that you would give her? You would tell her to get out, get out NOW and stay away from him.

 

This man that you thought you loved, showed you incredible disrespect time and time again. Calling you names, calling you stupid, telling you that he was attracted to other women more than he was to you, telling you that he was having sex with other women, and so on, is just so disrespectful. A man that cares about you at all, will not do even one of these things to you, much less all of them.

 

He treated you like a servant and a sex slave. He was nice to you until he felt he had your love and you were "hooked" on him and then his true abusive side started to show and just got worse over time.

 

I agree with Mod that he could have wanted you to get pregnant because it is another way to control you but I bet the bigger reason is that he just wanted to have sex without a condom. Any boyfriend that I have ever had that talked about getting me pregnant or me having their baby, just wanted to have sex without a condom. I have never have sex without a condom and never will, (I don't want any nasty STIs or a baby either!) When they found out that they would never be able to have sex with me without a condom, the relationship didn't last long regardless of how much they said they loved me, wanted me, cared about me, complimented me, etc. BEFORE I made it very clear that no glove=no love. Once they understood that I meant what I said, their true natures started to show and I got out of those relationships fast.

 

He has eroded your self esteem so much that you think that you aren't good enough to have a great boyfriend. He has made you feel so bad about yourself that you feel you aren't even worthy of a total loser like him. How crazy is that? Honey, you are so much better than him! You are such a great girl and you have so much to offer and so much love and support to give the RIGHT man. You need to stay away from the wrong man so you can heal and be ready when a good man comes along who is just right for you.

 

Getting a makeover, a gym membership and expensive clothes will not make an abuser treat you better. I suspect that because you had a young child, he was the sole income earner and you had no money of your own to go out and buy new make up, get a nice new hairstyle at the salon and buy expensive new clothes anyway. A man like this will always find something to criticize about you no matter how thin and fabulous you are and look. Never saying "no" to your man in the bedroom is no guarantee that he won't stray either. I have clients that swear they love their wife, that she never says no to anything and yet he is still out there having sex with other women. A guy who won't be faithful, just won't be no matter what you do.

 

I believe that you teach a man how to treat you. Never let a man put you down, swear at you or call you a name. If he does it once, warn him you will not tolerate being treated like that and if he disrespects you like that again, you will walk away and never look back. I make it clear in the early part of a relationship that I would never tolerate any kind of abuse and it has worked for me. If a man hurts you physically in any way, (a shove in anger, hair-pulling, throwing something at you, a slap, a punch, a kick, choking, pushing you down the stairs, forced sex, etc.) then call the police and charge him. Say it, mean it and most important of all DO IT! You can't make threats to leave or call the police and not follow through, otherwise he will know they are just empty threats and he can do whatever he wants. Now this also applies to you as well. If you don't want him to swear at you, to put you down, to call you names, to throw things at you, to slap you, to hit you, you also can't do any of these things to him. This is a two-way street. Respect must go both ways.

 

Do not talk to this man again, refuse his phone calls, refuse his visits. Go to Legal Aid and get a free lawyer so you can get custody of your daughter. If you don't, your daughter will grow up thinking that this is how all women are treated in a relationship. She will be involved in abusive relationships herself all her life because that is all she knows. Stay away from this man for her sake if you won't do it for yourself.

 

I also suggest some self-esteem classes or books and go even further to suggest taking some martial arts classes or self-defense classes. Even watch Dr. Phil or Oprah when they have abusive relationship shows on to see what others go through. Once you see yourself in those other woman being abused, I am sure that it will open your eyes like nothing else ever could.

 

Remember what I said before, if your friend was in this situation, what advice would you tell her?

 

If I can give you private morale support or advice, let me know.

 

Best of luck to you. I hope you never put yourself or your daughter in this kind of situation again and from now on stay away from losers, hold out for the great guy that I know is out there looking for you too!

 

Carole

[cat 262460]

Well said Carole, very good information for all....

 

Catherine