Pleasure from pain

[Mister T 45020]

From the Weekend Edition of the [URL="http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/Pleasure+from+pain/8707054/story.html"]Ottawa Citizen[/URL]


Inside a nondescript Kanata highrise, thereâ??s a two-bedroom condo with a naughty secret. A visitor will find a coffin, a spanking bench, a dog cage and a urination chair. There is suspension equipment, bondage toys and a room decorated like a jail cell with a large St. Andrewâ??s cross. Welcome to Mistress Shiraâ??s dungeon.

For eight years, the self-proclaimed Blonde Domme has meted out pain at the request of literally hundreds of willing customers. The professional dominatrix refers to her clients as â??pain slutsâ? ­â?? people who crave anything from bondage to severe beatings.

â??For some, receiving pain involves chemicals being released in your brain, which feels good. My clients receive pleasure from pain.â?

At six-feet-tall, Mistress Shira describes herself as a Type A, dominant personality. Several years ago, one of the things on her bucket list was to investigate the erotic world of BDSM, which includes words such as bondage, discipline, submission, dominance and masochism.

â??I was single, reasonably hot and wanted to do stuff before getting into a serious relationship. I checked out Fetlife.com and Collarme.com and starting finding people within my list of interests.â?

After meeting men online, she happily did all the â??prep workâ? for a date by staging an elaborate scene at a hotel room, getting decked out in leather and supplying all the props.

â??All the guy had to do was pay for the room. Before long, they were calling me back and then others were, too. I got into it and was really busy. I realized I could do this.â?

Mistress Shira is often called upon to whip and spank clients. She has used a cane, which leaves welts, but she doesnâ??t like that. She has been asked to do some â??crazyâ? things and refuses to inflict permanent damage. While the role of a dominatrix usually involves pain toward the submissive, her domination can be verbal and involve humiliating tasks.

Sexual fetishes are becoming increasing more mainstream in western culture and are often depicted in film, television and literature. The staple garments worn by a dominatrix, or goddess as theyâ??re often referred to, include fishnet hosiery, long gloves, thigh-high boots, stilettos, reams of leather and props like floggers and riding crops.

â??Everything you can think of Iâ??ve done,â? Mistress Shira says. â??Even though it may seem extreme, Iâ??ve nailed a manâ??s (scrotum) to a plank of wood â?? twice. Everything was sterilized. I was once asked to (castrate a man), but I refused. If they are having fun, then so am I.â?

Mistress Shira discusses the type of play a client is interested in before they meet in person. There is no oral sex nor sexual intercourse, and she adheres to the BDSM credo of safe, sane and consensual. She does get involved in extreme play and has, for example, placed needles up and down a manâ??s penis, but she says she knows how far to go.

â??Part of the play is pushing the limits. I deal with married couples, some women, but most of my clients are men. Iâ??ve never once had an issue. The men who come to see me are submissive. Women, who sometimes accompany their boyfriends or husbands, are often put in bondage.â?

The 44-year-old has built a worldwide reputation and travels to the Middle East three to four times a year to meet with hundreds of clients in Turkey, Jordan, Egypt, Lebanon and Dubai. Her sessions last an hour and a half and she charges $300. She also offers a weeklong â??slave retreatâ? at a Sharbot Lake cottage.

Mistress Shiraâ??s Kanata dungeon or office is cloaked in dark drapes and resembles a jail cell in one room and a â??sissy roomâ? in another where clients get dressed into various costumes and the walls are covered in mirrors.

â??I have all the BDSM tools. Iâ??ve set up a medieval room with various fantasy fetishes. Itâ??s a powerful feeling.â?

When a client visits the dungeon they are immediately put into bondage. She has a safety system in place but has never had to use it. When she first became a dominatrix, she struggled with the aspect of inflicting pain. She describes herself as a non-violent person and would never submit to the things she does to clients.

â??At first it was hard. If someone hit me, Iâ??d come out swinging. Yet, here I am inflicting pain. But I realize this is what they want and need.â?

Andrea Zanin, who writes a blog called Sex Geek and is a well-known lecturer on topics such as kink techniques and BDSM, says the number of people who relish pain in the kink community is relatively small.

â??Everyone is hardwired differently and interprets pain in their own way. There is no way to measure pain; all you can do is describe it.â?

Ottawa sex therapist and libido expert Sue McGarvie says many would be surprised at how big the BDSM community is in Ottawa.

â??There are more dominatrix per capita in Washington, the power capital of the U.S., than any other city. Ottawa has a fair number, too. In my opinion, based on 25 years being a sex therapist, 70 per cent of people are sexually submissive, 20 per cent are dominant and 10 per cent switch. â?

McGarvie credits the novel Fifty Shades of Grey with a growing interest in the fetish community and alternative sexual lifestyles. The erotic trilogy, written by E.L. James about a young womanâ??s entanglement with a handsome tycoon who enjoyed BDSM, became a pop-culture sensation selling more than 30 million copies.

â??Women as submissives is the most common sexual fantasy. The whole â??take meâ?? fantasy is huge. The book had the Harlequin romance format of the older man, younger woman thing, but the real success was that she was submissive.â?

In her practice, McGarvie sees a number of clients who have ordinary jobs by day, including police officers and daycare workers, but who want to explore a different side of life at night.

â??My job is to make sure that they donâ??t think that theyâ??re weird. As long as itâ??s safe and consensual, there is no harm. Everyone has something. People are naturally curious.â?

McGarvie says fetishes can start as young as age 11 and up to 16 or beyond. She has clients that are excited by events from their childhood such as folding laundry, enjoying the feel of nylons, wearing rubber raincoats and playing with skipping ropes

â??I know one man who keeps nylons in a storage unit where he can go and feel the nylons. Another played with yellow skipping ropes as a child and now likes to be tied up with them.â?

McGarvie says there are a number of safe and reputable fetish and swing clubs in the Ottawa area, including Bashfulandbold.ca, that have been around for years.

â??Life is short and people want to try something different and to let go. There is a growing interest in the fetish community. Who doesnâ??t want to dress up in leather on a Friday night and put on really cool boots?â?

Jack Lamon, an owner of Torontoâ??s Come As You Are sex store, has seen the BDSM community flourish.

â??From our perspective, BDSM and power play have become much more popular and commonplace in mainstream communities. With the emergence of Fifty Shades, weâ??re finding that more people â?? most often women â?? are â??coming outâ?? to their lovers and friends about their â??darkerâ?? desires. BDSM has almost become a regular topic of conversation because of the media coverage of the book.â?

His store has seen a growing customer interest in blindfolds, restraints and, of course, grey ties.

â??In sexual communities that have almost always been marginalized â?? the gay/lesbian/trans folks â?? the BDSM community has developed within and alongside queer communities. For people of my generation, Iâ??m 38, the leather community has always been active in queer Toronto.â?

While professional dommes are included in leather communities, many of the clients who pay professionals may not be active or openly involved in a community, says Lamon.