What do I do?

[JuliasUndies 7288]

My Mother told me yesterday that she has excluded me from her will. Apparently, I haven't become that doctor she wanted me to. I really don't understand this.

I am a parent, as many of us are. I will raise my children as best as I can and guide them to do the best they can, know right from wrong and be good people. I want them to be them. I will be proud of them of who they are, not what they are.

Make no mistake, this has nothing to do with money. This woman has already planned to cut me off after death because I haven't become what she has wanted me to become. I chose motherhood instead. She even added that in a few years she can change her will but that depends on me.

Now, is it really that bad of me to want nothing to do with her? Family may be family, but to what extent should my loyalty be? Should I accept this and carry on with Sunday night dinners with someone that I feel doesn't even like me because I feel I wouldn't have any respect for myself.

Does anyone else have troubles with their parents? Do I just cut her off and never call her again?

[Mutau 2516]

Excellent response Samantha. The threat of something in a will to elicit behavioural changes is nothing short of emotional blackmail.

 

The parent-child relationship should be maintained if there is respect, harmony and acceptance between the people. It is always difficult to turn one's back on a relationship. But if that mutual respect is not there and if becomes more of a negative anchor, then it becomes time to cut the rope that binds people together.

 

Julia, have you talked with your Mother about how you feel and what impact her decision is having on you? It is best to clear the air and know exactly where the person stands. If continued contact with family members is causing you to be anxious and nervous, then you must decide what is in the best interest of yourself and your family. At times one must let go of certain relationships to better maintain the ones which are important to you.

 

My best wishes for you in this life altering time.

[Cleo Catra 178382]

The only person who can really decide what is right is you. Personally, I made the decision to cut my father from my life over a decade ago, after years and years of shit, and it was the best thing I've ever done. It felt like a weight was being removed from my chest when I did it. Since then, I've had people say to me 'But he's your father, you love him, you should talk to him', etc etc. Because they dont' know what happened, or don't care to hear it. But I know what I did was right.

 

In order to know what's right for you in this situation, my best advice would be to stop thinking about it for a while (I know that's probably impossible, but try). Right now you're hurt, and you're angry. If it's best to move on from her, you'll know that when you've had time to calm down, and look at the situation without the current emotions taking over. And taking a bit of time should hopefully prevent you from realizing you made the choice to remove her from your life as some sort of retaliation or something.

 

But that's just my two cents, I hope you find the right choice and I am truly sorry to hear about what happened, it always devastates me to hear about parents who don't realize how wonderful a thing being a parent can be.

[animal 100]

i went through a lot of crap from both parents you just cannot meet some peoples expectations i went with my gut and do not regret it just do what you think is rite for you and kid(s)

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

No parent should ever give their child an ultimatum. Being a parent means your love is unconditional no matter what your child chooses to do in their lifetime whether it is personally or professionally. Sure children may make mistakes but does that really warrant an ultimatum? Basically your mother is dangling money over your head like a carrot. If you feel this is too toxic then perhaps you should take a long break from your mother until cooler heads prevail. If she is stubborn and doesn't see you for who you are as a person and love you like she should then it's not worth it. Yes, it's sad but parents are human beings too and they make mistakes. They are not always right contrary to what they want you to believe.

 

Eventually you may have to accept her and the situation the way it is and move on with your life. You also have to realize that once she is dead and gone, there is no going back even if the relationship ended on a sour note. Can you accept this? At some point you have to make your own decisions and stop trying to please your parents. You are an adult.

 

Your mother has a certain image in head of what she wants you to be. I had a mother like that and she always had a rivalry going with her sister and her family for 40 years. My sisters and I were always compared to them. After a while it left a bad taste in my mouth and had minimal contact with her after that for many years. I vowed not to make the same mistakes with my children in the future as she did with my sisters and I. My father is quite the opposite and never got caught up in the drama.lol. He always did what he wanted to do and followed his own path in life through the ups and downs. We have a good relationship as we are very much alike and also because I was his favorite.:)

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

What I have read has put tears in my eyes! Listen to the ladies that have responded here, I think they have nailed it on the nose for you. Sometimes we do not find "family" within our bloodlines but threw our friends. If anyone is toxic to my life, I will let them go. It will be a burden that she will carry in her conscience and in her soul if she chooses to cut you out. Do not let her bring you down. Rise above this, and feel proud of the mother you have become! My heart goes out to you, and will wish all good things for you!

[LeeRichards 177238]

Coming from someone that has a close family and also has kids, it saddens me to see that you are going through this. It has really made me think though about what I would do in your situation. I can't help you as far as advise but wanted to express my heartfelt sadness for the hurt and disillusionment you are going through right now. I will say that although your situation is very unfortunate, your kids will benefit because they will have a proud Mom no matter what choices they make!

 

Take care and I am sure you will make a decision that is best for you and your kids!

[E.D. man 691]

My Mother told me yesterday that she has excluded me from her will. Apparently, I haven't become that doctor she wanted me to. I really don't understand this.

I am a parent, as many of us are. I will raise my children as best as I can and guide them to do the best they can, know right from wrong and be good people. I want them to be them. I will be proud of them of who they are, not what they are.

Make no mistake, this has nothing to do with money. This woman has already planned to cut me off after death because I haven't become what she has wanted me to become. I chose motherhood instead. She even added that in a few years she can change her will but that depends on me.

Now, is it really that bad of me to want nothing to do with her? Family may be family, but to what extent should my loyalty be? Should I accept this and carry on with Sunday night dinners with someone that I feel doesn't even like me because I feel I wouldn't have any respect for myself.

Does anyone else have troubles with their parents? Do I just cut her off and never call her again?

Be the better person, still show you love her. Its not worth hurting your children. Let them see their granny so they won't resent you. But if harm is being done let go. But the final desicion is yours.

[Kubrickfan 12836]

You asked whether to cut her off and never talk to her again. Being from a family that is very close, I think that you would probably find that very hard to do. I also suspect, reading "between the lines" of your post, that you are particularly angry at her given the comments about cutting you out of her will.

 

Maybe you need to take a bit of a break so that she understands that you are your own person, but are you really ready for that? Can you get her to understand that you are your own person and can make your own choices without walking away for a while? Or is she really only willing to have you a part of her life on her own terms? Or is this just a standard family argument between parents and kids that took a wrong turn when the subject of the will came up? Sorting out the answers to those questions may help a bit.

[ottawaadventurer 5114]

I fear I will be the minority voice here... but here 'goes...

 

This is a sad story for sure - and I can empathize. I had a similar conversation with my father years ago. It was not easy, nor fun. And I am so sorry you are having to ensure this.

 

I realized that in my case, my father was using money as a weapon... Money. Period. And I have always thought the best way to deal with these kinds of things is to remove the weapon. So, after cooling down, I told my dad that I respected his decision. Moreover, I told him that I was not expecting nor planning on relying on his money. I let him know that I was an adult, financially capable and independent, and that what he did with his money after he died was of no concern to me.

 

It was a turning point for us. In many ways, my response showed him that I was, in fact, a better person than he had given me credit for. He realized that I was not simply maintaining our relationship with an eye on my inheritance, and that all I really wanted from him was his love and for him to have a relationship with my kids.

 

We're not best friends, by any stretch, but he's my dad and we have learned to have a relationship of sorts.

 

I am NOT equating my situation to yours - I have no idea what things are like between your mom and you. And I am not implying ANYTHING in my post... Just relaying my personal story in the hopes that it might be helpful.

 

In the end, I agree with others - this is your choice and you need to do what's best for you. And nobody can tell you what that is - it will come from your heart and your head.

 

I hope things cool down soon - these things are always so hard.

[JuliasUndies 7288]

Thank you thanks you for all your impute, it means a lot to me. And for once, I am out of words. :)

[Grass_Hopper 18263]

It happened to me a couple of years back, but sticking to who I really was, keeping contact with my mother and even if I was the black sheep, I did'nt went upset.

 

Stick to who you really are... Do you enjoy those dinners? If so, why stop them? It might be difficult for a mother to accept, but she will realize who you really are by not being her mirror or deny yourself.

 

My mother is now a true defender of the cause, and everything went back to normal. It's a little different since she was in the business also, but still, no mother wants theire child to be involved in the prostitution.

 

I would say try to understand her as you would like to understand you... I have to warn you thought... It's a lifetime work and it can be painfull...

[Bendex 653]

My heart goes out to you. I have had similar issues with family members. In my opinion, being a blood relative does not mean you will automatically be compatible or best friends. All you can do is be true to your own values and if after trying to develop a caring relationship the other party is still unwilling to show their love and compassion( unconditionally), then part ways.

 

It does get complicated when children are involved. Every parent wants their children to experience the joy of a grandparents love, but the pain and hurt of not being accepted for who you are may be too great.

 

I remember telling my mother that I had been given a promotion at work. Her reply was" Can you not get a better job than that". I love my mother dearly, but to this day this memory still stings. I use this as a lesson on what NOT to do with my children. I tell them I am proud of them as much as possible. ( something I never heard from my parents).

 

Julia, you are obviously a very caring and loving person. I wish you all the best and hope the situation with your mother improves.

 

Bendex.

[Guest jake_cdn]

I have also been through similar issues and I have found that you are either proud of the decisions and direction that you have taken or you are not. Your parent (Mother) may have had a different path planned for you but perhaps it is because her path did not pan out. In any event, if your relationship with your Mother is platable then I would chose to continue with the Sunday dinners. If you are happy with the path chosen then prove it to your Mother but maintaing your path and trying to maintain your relationship with her. The will is something that you may need to work out with her. I had a conversation with someone that I have been designated as "Power of Attorney" for. He was looking to cut one of his family members out of his will and I asked him if being vindicive was how he wanted to be remembered by this person after his death. This is not about trying to hurt someone while you are alive or trying to change their chosen direction. He thought about it and decided not to take the family member out of his will.

 

Be proud of who you are and how you became this person.

 

My thoughts are with you as family issues are the toughest to deal with from an emotional standpoint.

 

Be strong !

[Paradise Spa 24019]

Sweetie you are doing the right thing by sharing your feelings here with a supportive community....keep your chin up....this too shall pass. Perhaps do some writing to help with your hurt and maybe a nice note to Mom sharing your feelings of how you are hurt might make her understand where you are coming from.....just make sure you are not throwing any stones and your words are coming from a good place so to speak. In the end do what is right for you! And let us know how you made out because we will all be wondering :) Lots of Big Hugs & Kisses Angie

[Lowdark 5613]

This is a situation that no one, child or parent, should ever have to endure. And I agree with everyone that says the only opinion that truly matters is yours. But if your mother is indeed using the threat of removing you from her will to manipulate you, perhaps you should consider removing the weight of that threat. Instead of divorcing yourself from your family altogether, counter her threat with an agreement. That any money she may have left you can be put in a trust account for your childen and can only be touched by them on their 18th birthday. That may remove the threat against you and may just cause her to reconsider her stance. Just an idea.

 

Either way, I truly hope the situation works out the right way. Best wishes.

[wendigo 687]

I'm coming from a very different situation, so my opinion may be a bit skewed. I actually have a great relationship with my parents, and I love them very dearly for all they have done for me over the years. However, they are getting on in years, and we have talked about what they're going to do with their property when the time comes.

 

They have indicated that most of what they have will go to my siblings, who both have young families. I'm doing pretty well for myself and don't have any kids. I can honestly say that even if they leave me with nothing, it doesn't make any difference to me. I won't love them an ounce less if that's the case.

 

I guess it's a lot easier to say in my situation, but my attitude is that one should not expect or feel entitled to their parents' money. My advice would then be just do whatever you want regardless of your mother's leaving you out of the will. If you don't want any contact with her, go ahead, or if you still want her as a part of your life that's fine as well.

[rickoshadows 937]

Your family is part of your life, for good or bad. Even if you try to walk away, at some point you will be drawn back. Therefore, it is vitally important to take the high road.

 

As for the will thing, I don't know which generation your mother is in now, but many people in their 40s and 50s tend be more protectitive of their lives and families, and therefore adopt a more socially conservative posture. As they get older, many take a more liberal view towards life. Your mother may come around later on as the world changes even more and her views towards life are colored by her diminished future.

[Guest s******ecan****]

Whether you choose to maintain a relationship is up to you. Sometimes it is better to end an abusive relationship, even with a parent. We grow up thinking of our parents as almost "god-like" yet they are just human.

 

There is a great book you should read called "Toxic Parents".

 

It may or may not help you to decide what to do not just about your current dilema but also to understand how this relationship has affected you as a person, and how you can overcome the effects.

 

For the record I'm not judging your mother as being toxic, clearly I don't know her, I'm just suggesting you explore this idea.

[April Dawn 12207]

I had to cut my parents out of my life for quite awhile. I have only recently begun talking to them again. For me taking the higher road and not getting bogged down in their negativity helped me keep my sanity. There is a point in time if you have a bad relationship with your parents that you have to be the adult and let them explode by themselves. I am beginning to have the great relationship I always wanted to have with them but they have both admitted that it probably wouldn't have happened if I hadn't taken the higher ground.

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[Guest **cely***r***ne]

Wow!!

I am so glad that it is not only me that has, or is, going through this issue with their parents.

My mom had a heart attack before the new year and I stayed with her...took time off work (naturally...) and took care of her.

A few weeks ago she laid it on me that she thought it would be a better decision for her well being that I not come around...or call.

 

She had hid her true feelings of me being a service provider and lied saying it didnt bother her! Now all of a sudden it does! wow! To me it is not a topic up for discussion...I am her daughter and I am who I am...she should love and be there for me no matter what!

 

So I really feel for you ladies :( MWAAA! Big kisses and dont fret over it! They will grow up and realize what they are missing.

[mrrnice2 157005]

The desires of parents for their children has to be difficult.

 

One poster previously wrote that when they were a little girl the choice of a career as an SP was not on the list. Based on the society in which we live, I would doubt that it would be on the list for too many parents for their kids as well. That I believe is probably a reality.

 

The opposing reality is that many women, for whatever reason, have chosen to do this, either in the short term or the long.

 

And THAT puts parents in a spot. For some I expect the ability to support their child in whatever endeavor is just built in. For others, based on who knows what factors, that ability may not be be there initially, or maybe even permanently. We do not know the answer to that.

 

The idea of being rejected by my parents would have been devastating, and the idea of rejecting any of my children is totally foreign to me.

 

All that I can think to say is that for a person who finds themselves in this position and who feels a sense of hurt or loss because of it, then that hurt or loss demonstrates a love and desire for those very same parents. To walk away from them and close the door makes it I would think far harder to open it again in the future.

 

So don't walk away, don't slam the door, and try to maintain even to a minimal degree some level of contact that will be there for a time when peoples opinions change, peoples needs change, and for when people realize that the family is the most important unit of all.

[Guest ma*be***ag***]

One thing I have learned over the years is that there are people I am better off with in life, and people I am better off without. Being related by blood doesn't change abuse, manipulation, or ignorance.

 

Personally, I lost my brother to cancer, and my father is being lost to Alzheimers. While he is still technically with us, he isn't, and I miss my dad alot. I envy people who have the opportunity to make things right with their family, or who have the option to spend time with them in a normal situation. Those who are ignorant, and choose to be so with their families, well, that bothers me.

 

What is right for me is not necessarily what is right for you, or for anyone else on here. I can't speak to the overall family situations of people on here, however I will say this. I don't give a rat's ass if my daughters wind up being the Prime Minister, a SP, a doctor, or a stay-at-home mom. It'll never change how much I love them and worry about them, and they will always have a roof over their heads as long as I am alive.

 

Best of luck to you.

[SmartnSexy 2089]

There is something I learned very quickly when I joined the business world and that was "The only person looking out for you, is you". Now how much of that translates to family/social life is debatable. But it's something that I've kept with me ever since and I feel that I'm emotionally in a better position because of it.

 

Your first responsibilities are to yourself and to any dependents you may have (children, etc). You have to make the choices that will, in the end, leave you and consequently your dependents in a better mental and emotional state. Money is highly overrated when it comes to these things.

 

A lot of this has to do with the bonds that you feel for your family. I feel no shame stating that my bonds with most of my friends are stronger that with the bonds than I feel with my family. These bonds are strengthened by shared experiences, victories celebrated and storms weathered. They are weakened by people taking the bonds themselves for granted, by manipulating, blackmailing, maliciously calling upon the sense of duty you feel to that person because of that bond.

 

I, personally, have severed my connection with some of my family and if I hadn't done so I'd be an emotional wreck. Some people feel that because they are family that they can get away with manipulating you emotionally, financially, etc... And that you have no recourse, because they are family. This should not be the case. If they cannot accept something that you have or have not done, that is their right. They can let you know what they'd want for you, and they can encourage you to pursue it. But they should never have the right to make you feel less than what you are, to make you feel guilty for pursuing your own happiness.

 

As hard as it is to believe, you can sever a connection with someone, and yet still love them dearly. Sometimes you just realize that exposure to that environment hurts more than it helps.

 

Julia no one can tell you what course of action you should be taking. In the end I guess you need to ask yourself what's best for you and your children. If you do end up severing the bond I would do as someone else mentioned above, write down the reasons, the real reasons (I doubt money is actually one of them) so that your mother understands why. She may realize that she's made a mistake in trying to make you do something that's not you. It's also possible that she may never make that realization, that's a reality you have to prepare yourself for.

 

The one piece of advice I can give you if you chose this path is that you can't turn around and change your mind later. This isn't out of a sense of stubbornness or pride, it's due to the fact that if you come back after severing ties, it will serve as an indicator that she's won, that she can freely manipulate or blackmail you and that you have no recourse because you'll eventually come back. It's a bitter sentiment, perhaps even a little morbid (I'm sure someone will criticize me for it), but I've dealt with enough people like that in the past and honestly believe in what I've just told you.

[roamingguy 300292]

First and foremost raise your children the best you can with all the love you have.

As for your mother, you might want to tell her how hurtful she is being by cutting you out of the will (not because of monetary loss, but because you believe that she doesn't love you)

Tell her that in spite of her not loving you as a mother should love her daughter, you will always love her. And don't use your children as a weapon against your mother. Let your kids see their grandmother, if not for your mother's sake, for your kids sake.

But be the person you want to be, not the person your mother wants you to be...the most important person to please is yourself, not others

RG