"Step" grandchild -- need advice.

[JoyfulC 132299]

Our daughter -- who is no stranger to throwing us curves -- is throwing us yet another. And one we never expected.

 

Mid-thirties, married to her career and a jet-setter, she recently surprised us by announcing that she'd fallen in love with a recently divorced man with a 1-year-old boy by his former wife. (... amicable divorce, no??). She is doing very well in her career and has decided to buy a home for her and her new partner and kid. She's suddenly veered from exotic travel and cocktail circuit to step mom. And she's talking about marriage and maybe having a child of her own with this man.

 

On the one hand, I'm happy for her. But on the other, quelle complications!! For one thing, I suppose the pre-existing child (who by all appearances is a sweetheart) will be something of a grandchild for me. But too, what if my daughter and her new partner don't last? What standing will I have with that kid then?

 

And too, I have a heavy heart about the poor kid's situation. Here they are, buying a new home, giving him his own room, planning on having their own kids -- but unlike the children produced of their union, this child will always be split between one home and another. Is that fair?? Worse, already, apparently, there have been problems with the ex -- whom her partner describes (most suspiciously) as "bipolar." Here's a question for the guys here: if you think a woman is too crazy for you to live with, why in the hell would you take a chance of procreating with her, and subjecting your possible child to having to live with her, at least part time??? Why??? I can see you boinking a woman you think is crazy -- but why not use some effective form of birth control while doing so?

 

Anyway, while I'd never say so to our daughter (and risk getting my head bit off), I must confess that I'm feeling put in an uncomfortable position with this kid. He's certainly adorable enough. Genetics or no, any grandparent would love to claim this one. I guess I'm just worried about getting too attached to a kid that I might end up with no legitimate claim to.

 

Before I met my partner, I dated a guy that I really clicked with a couple times. But when he learned that I had a daughter, he pulled away. He had previously been in a relationship with a woman who had a daughter that he had participated in raising from an infant. When the child was 8 or 10, she decided to run off with one of his friends, taking the kid with her. Because they were never married and because he'd never formally adopted the child, he had no rights -- and yet, he was the one who took care of the girl, making her breakfasts and packing her lunches and helping her with her schoolwork and such. It was bad circumstances that the mother took her away under, and as such, he was cut out of this child's life even though he was probably more involved in it than her mother was. He had no rights to this child in the split up, and yet, he was very concerned for her well being. He wasn't ready to get involved with another woman with a child again. It was understandable.

 

Anyone else have an experience like this? Care to share? I guess I'm not in any hot spot just yet, but I feel this coming up on me. I am a sucker for little kids, even though I claim I don't like them. I don't want to have my heart broken!

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

Anyone else have an experience like this? Care to share? I guess I'm not in any hot spot just yet, but I feel this coming up on me. I am a sucker for little kids, even though I claim I don't like them. I don't want to have my heart broken!

 

My advice is to just go along with it. My cousin met a woman who had just had a baby ( she was in her early 20's when she had a kid) and he was a bit older and while they were dating and then entered a more serious relationship and finally living together, he stepped up and raised the child as his own. The biological father is completely out of the picture btw. My Aunt and Uncle welcomed the child and she ended up calling them Papa and Granny. They never said anything and she thinks my cousin is her real dad and no one has made her feel that she is an outsider. She is now almost 9 years old. They also have 2 more children of their own.

 

In your case the child is still young so they might immediately think of you as a grandparent figure and this is always a good thing since they will have someone to look up to.I would just treat the child as if he was your flesh and blood grandchild. It's hard to say what the outcome will be but just take it day by day. If I were in your position and my son or daughter told me they were about to be a step parent, I would tell them to tread lightly with the child's mother. There is really nothing you can do but be there for your daughter for better or for worse.

[moonshine 399]

It's like any relationship you enter in life - there are never any guarantees they'll be around forever. If you spend enough time with the boy, you'll become attached and you have to treat him like anyone else close in your life.

 

Thinking about what might happen only gives you unnecessary grief. I have a young one with my ex and she recently had a baby with someone else. I don't agree with how she parents a lot of the time and it's hard seeing my kid grow closer with his new step dad that he now shares a brother with. But my child is loved by everybody and is happy; he loves spending time with me and I live for every moment that I have him. I have wondered how odd it would be if say my ex died, and here you have brothers with no mom from 2 different dads. How would that work? It's likely that they wouldn't see each other very often after that.

 

There's no point getting bent out of shape over something that could happen. Just love the kid and have fun!

[roamingguy 300292]

You should accept your daughter's relationship, including accepting the child without reservation. Your concerned is about crossing a bridge that may never have to be crossed...if and when that time comes, then deal with it

My nephew was born premature and given 6 months to live...that diagnosis was over 7 years ago...he's a happy bright boy

I only say this because if our family believed the experts we all would have been emotionally detached from him, just so our feelings could be spared if the worse happened

As I see it

RG

[yow_top 180]

... Just love the kid and have fun!

 

I believe Moonshine's words are perhaps the most sage...

 

Just love the kid!

[FineWineDiva 7343]

Parenting is the worlds hardest job .

I have no advice , its a dam if you do damed if you don't ,Situation

 

But little one ( child) may have just won her heart over .

Hopefully no one get hurt , because divorce can be so dirty , with kids .

Mine was in court for 9 years .

 

Good Luck , hope all works out well

 

Hugs

[Lowdark 5613]

I get the impression from your post that you may have already begun to adopt this little boy into your heart. If that is the case, I think you may not be able to turn back. Apprehension is normal but the best thing I can add is that no one can be loved too much by too many people, especially children at such a young and tender age. It sounds like your daughter already loves him and once she marries his father, he'll officially be part of your family. And like I said, it seems you may have already made him a part of your spirit, which will always be stronger than flesh and blood.

[dunn2010 121]

With todays divorce rates this is probably a pretty common situation.

 

My sister husband has 2 girls, one biologically his and one from his ex's previous relationship. His eventually took full custody of both as the ex got into drugs etc and was an unfit mother (long story !).

He meets my sister and they hit it off. My sister becomes instant step-mom and all of sudden I have 2 nieces (and my parents became grand).

At the time the girls were like 4 and 10 so it was hard to immediately accept them as family. I have to admit I kept my distance for awhile, but over time a relationship grew and now almost 15 years later they are as much part of the family of my blood relatives.

So take a chance, you'd hate to miss out on the young years of your grandson.

 

Here's a question for the guys here: if you think a woman is too crazy for you to live with, why in the hell would you take a chance of procreating with her, and subjecting your possible child to having to live with her, at least part time??? Why??? I can see you boinking a woman you think is crazy -- but why not use some effective form of birth control while doing so?

 

In response --> by the time we figure it out it's TOO LATE ! lol :icon_wink:

[SamanthaEvans 166766]

We don't know the future and we can't control what will happen. But protecting yourself against a possible future loss means giving up the opportunity to be part of this little boy's life, now, and to have him be part of yours. I think it would be a terrible shame for both of you to miss the chance for love and joy.

[E.D. man 691]

Treated like any grand child, but her a gift on Xmas and the childs birthday, something inexpensive. At this age it does not really matter. See how the relationship goes. Do not always take the child when they go away, say no sometimes, do not be their babysitter for when they travel except once or twice a year.

The child is teparents responsibilty.

When the relationship is at least 5 years old is when you should get more involved with the child.

[sandimoon 72517]

I feel for your situation.

My family years ago ` adopted ` my good friends co-worker & her son.

She was an 18 yr old single mom & with an 18 month old child.

She really had no-one else & it started out as a safe babysitting deal so she

could dance at night without worries ( making great money to support him )

Within six months this gorgeous little man ran my parents house,

bossed around our 2 dogs ( one a 135 lb Doberman ) &

we just fell head over heels in love with him.

Daycare, camping trips, sleep overs, Christmas morning...the whole thing.

We were on the list to get him from school.

He was family!

Fast forward 3 + yrs...

The mom got involved with drugs, bad boyfriend & legal problems.

And couldn`t deal.

She ran away to Chicago with him & we never saw either of them again.

It still breaks my heart.

It took us the better part of a year before we 4 adults could talk

about him without crying.

And you know what else?

I WOULD DO IT AGAIN IN A HEARTBEAT.

Because loving a child can never be wrong.

There is a reason why this boy has come in to your life.

Your daughter is an adult she can take care of herself.

But be there for the kid & no matter what happens you will

always be happy you did!!!

I have regrets in my life but that experience is not one of them.

Best of luck.

Sandi xo

[Surf_Nazis_Must_Die 8958]

Here's a question for the guys here: if you think a woman is too crazy for you to live with, why in the hell would you take a chance of procreating with her, and subjecting your possible child to having to live with her, at least part time??? Why??? I can see you boinking a woman you think is crazy -- but why not use some effective form of birth control while doing so?

 

I can't speak for the other guys on here. But personally I know from past experiences that my brain and any rational thinking I may be capable of goes right out the window when i'm attracted to a woman and begin to have feelings for her. Is it stupid, impulsive, and potentially disastrous? Yup.

Am I a complete idiot for letting it happen? Yup.

 

Sometimes the crazy doesn't manifest until you're well into a relationship.

 

Anywho, as far as having the little one come into your life, I don't think anyone is quite prepared for welcoming a new life into the fold. But from personal experience with my niece (who is not a blood relative btw), I can definitely say it's a gift that should not be passed up!

[roamingguy 300292]

I can't speak for the other guys on here. But personally I know from past experiences that my brain and any rational thinking I may be capable of goes right out the window when i'm attracted to a woman and begin to have feelings for her. Is it stupid, impulsive, and potentially disastrous? Yup.

Am I a complete idiot for letting it happen? Yup.

 

Sometimes the crazy doesn't manifest until you're well into a relationship.

 

Anywho, as far as having the little one come into your life, I don't think anyone is quite prepared for welcoming a new life into the fold. But from personal experience with my niece (who is not a blood relative btw), I can definitely say it's a gift that should not be passed up!

 

For point one about being attracted and having feeling for a woman, been there, done that, more than once

But point two about a new life being a gift...couldn't have said it better

RG

[Surf_Nazis_Must_Die 8958]

For point one about being attracted and having feeling for a woman, been there, done that, more than once

But point two about a new life being a gift...couldn't have said it better

RG

 

 

Thanks for the kind words :)

[Apex2006 1071]

I am deeply offended by the title of this tread! For that reason I did not reed it!

 

Do you not find it is a little cruel to step on your grand-children!

 

hihi

 

:icon_lol:

[JoyfulC 132299]

Thanks to everyone for your support and excellent comments. I guess we're going with it and hoping for the best.

[Surf_Nazis_Must_Die 8958]

Best of luck to you and your family!!

[Guest T**E******s]

Our daughter -- who is no stranger to throwing us curves -- is throwing us yet another. And one we never expected.

 

Mid-thirties, married to her career and a jet-setter, she recently surprised us by announcing that she'd fallen in love with a recently divorced man with a 1-year-old boy by his former wife. (... amicable divorce, no??). She is doing very well in her career and has decided to buy a home for her and her new partner and kid. She's suddenly veered from exotic travel and cocktail circuit to step mom. And she's talking about marriage and maybe having a child of her own with this man.

 

On the one hand, I'm happy for her. But on the other, quelle complications!! For one thing, I suppose the pre-existing child (who by all appearances is a sweetheart) will be something of a grandchild for me. But too, what if my daughter and her new partner don't last? What standing will I have with that kid then?

 

And too, I have a heavy heart about the poor kid's situation. Here they are, buying a new home, giving him his own room, planning on having their own kids -- but unlike the children produced of their union, this child will always be split between one home and another. Is that fair?? Worse, already, apparently, there have been problems with the ex -- whom her partner describes (most suspiciously) as "bipolar." Here's a question for the guys here: if you think a woman is too crazy for you to live with, why in the hell would you take a chance of procreating with her, and subjecting your possible child to having to live with her, at least part time??? Why??? I can see you boinking a woman you think is crazy -- but why not use some effective form of birth control while doing so?

 

Anyway, while I'd never say so to our daughter (and risk getting my head bit off), I must confess that I'm feeling put in an uncomfortable position with this kid. He's certainly adorable enough. Genetics or no, any grandparent would love to claim this one. I guess I'm just worried about getting too attached to a kid that I might end up with no legitimate claim to.

 

Before I met my partner, I dated a guy that I really clicked with a couple times. But when he learned that I had a daughter, he pulled away. He had previously been in a relationship with a woman who had a daughter that he had participated in raising from an infant. When the child was 8 or 10, she decided to run off with one of his friends, taking the kid with her. Because they were never married and because he'd never formally adopted the child, he had no rights -- and yet, he was the one who took care of the girl, making her breakfasts and packing her lunches and helping her with her schoolwork and such. It was bad circumstances that the mother took her away under, and as such, he was cut out of this child's life even though he was probably more involved in it than her mother was. He had no rights to this child in the split up, and yet, he was very concerned for her well being. He wasn't ready to get involved with another woman with a child again. It was understandable.

 

Anyone else have an experience like this? Care to share? I guess I'm not in any hot spot just yet, but I feel this coming up on me. I am a sucker for little kids, even though I claim I don't like them. I don't want to have my heart broken!

 

First, I think there has been such a great response from so many people on here, it's very heart warming. You'll find your way and balance!

 

Second, has anyone told you your photo is extremely distracting! You have such a mischievous and naughty look on your face, it distracts me :) I'm not particularly homoflexible, yet the mental images your look conjures up in my mind, tend to lead me off into a Neverland of sorts. Your so gorgeous, your light shines through, you can overcome anything!

[Miss Scarlett 25073]

As my mom used to say kids are innocent. Lets just hope the adults keep their heads about them and an open mind, and all should go well.

 

As someone who was basically raised by a step parent, they can be the best thing to happen to a kid! My step-grandpa was the best! He used to make me all kinds of things as a kid!

 

Some of my best memories as a child came from step parents/ grandparents!

 

I say give it a shot, who knows you could be his best memories in life!

[Andee 220524]

Christine: From the little I do know about you (and your husband), I am confident you will make great grandparents.