An Interview With... Stephanie Mystique, dealing with being outed as a sex worker

[Guest lydiahardwood]

Another Sunday which means another interview with a member of our community! This time it's a tough subject but one that is very important. Unfortunately a lot of Providers in this industry have to deal with being outed. The reason behind someone doing this is never one I'll be able to understand, but @StephanieMystique has kindly taken time to talk about her experience hoping it'll help others who find themselves in a similar situation. ❤️

Q: Hey Stephanie! Thank you for agreeing to be interviewed, you’re a big name in the community so it’s a real pleasure to get to know you a bit better. So tell me, how long have you been doing this for?
A: Oh my! You are making me blush. Thank you.
I have been in the industry for a little over 3 years now. I started dabbling in it before I moved to the east coast. After I lost my 4th job in as many months since moving to Halifax, never mind a whole lot of other things that happened, I needed to do something. I wasn't ready to tuck my tail and go home. I reached out to a friend of the industry that took me under their wing to teach me the basics and asked how to get going. Being somewhere new, no idea of where to post as BP just went down. I started a few ads on CL as dirtyblondestephanie. If anyone, especially female, has posted on there, we know how fast those ads get flagged and removed. There was a fellow Lyla member (I still haven't seen as a client but has helped out a few times. I think of him as a guardian angel), that pointed me in this direction of Lyla and things slowly took off from there. There has been trial and error, a lot of learning in the process but those first few clients I enjoyed company with serious were amazing. I swear, they helped me way more than I could ever help them. If you are one of them I just want to say thank you!
 
Q: I know that you’ve had a bit of a tough time recently, can you tell me a bit about it?
A: Where to start? I have a big heart and always love to build people up and help them succeed in their dreams, goals and ambitions. This business is a lot of work for an individual with a lot of different hats to wear, that we are not all good at, or just plain suck at. Some of my background is sales with an amazing MLM company, which a lot of the tools I learned there I use every day.
I started a little advertising and marketing company to hopefully help a few fellow companions out. I put a few ads out and that's how I met the Provider that outed me. We met for a mutual interview and signed a independent contract to have me work for her to help with marketing, advertising and bookings. Covid was starting to make major headlines at the time but we still have a successful first day and celebrated the win. I fell sick a couple of days before the lock down, fearing it was Covid I had given her the keys to the space she was using and the phone to use for booking. My fault completely and lesson learned but I am not someone to hold some else back from a goal because I need to tap out for a moment. Two days later NS declared the state of emergency and shut everything down. I messaged her to let her know she can no longer work in the space or use the phone due to this but as an Independent contractor she can still choose to work but it has no connection to the company. Sadly she took advantage and continue to work and live in the space. I am finally clear of being sick, thankfully not Covid. I come back to collect the keys and phone and she flips a switch on me. She outed me, told them what I do for a living, to the building she was staying in management team. Which is how I presume she got my personal information, I haven't been able to prove it to take the company to court. The apartment was seized that night and I had 24 hours to move out. We are in day 9 or 10 of the shut down. The next morning, while I am moving, my phone starts going off and I have alerts from fellow providers and clients that I am being publicly outed with my full legal name and full face photo. I went to my twitter following to get it removed as quickly as possible. That was the start of the death threats, harassment and huge costs of dealing with the fall out of her.
 
Q: Being outed must be an awful experience. I take it your civvy friends and family didn’t know about your profession?
A: It's been tough but also freeing. I had actually spoken to my dad and mom separately in the fall. My fear was one of my dad's friends telling him what I do rather than coming from me, especially as that conversation would've been over the phone. So I took him out for coffee on my visit home and told him. His biggest concern was my safety but overall was supportive. My mom was more like, everything makes sense now. As my cover story didn't line up well enough for my travel schedule. Again she was supportive and her biggest concern was safety. Other than that, no one prior to this event knew what I did. It's been freeing as I can let my family know my schedule a bit more as I typically write the trip off by working in Toronto. I still have a red zone, of where I won't work and a couple of area codes I won't entertain in the slightest. 
Since the outing, she sent messages to anyone on Facebook that has a public profile with my last name. That is when my brother sent me a screenshot of the message sent to my sister-in-law, who just got home with a new baby. The message is in the warning post I made.
I was devastated. As I wasn't sure of her views on this. I decided to be open and told my brother what I did and about the situation. He just asked what I was going to do about the situation as the claims made are pretty big ones. As I told him, lawyers and police are involved and it's a work in progress.
 
The other big impact it's having is in my dog walking business. Thankfully, it's not large enough to have much damage but as I am pushing the marketing and advertising the posts made on the dirty are being alerted to me monthly. Thankfully, I have a good friend that is a fellow SW, camming, that stepped up to fight some of the comments she was making on the page. I had to keep blocking the accounts as she had multiple profiles.
 
Q: I'm so sorry you went through this. Your parents sound like amazing and supportive people. What were your initial feelings when it happened?
A: Hurt, broken, frustrated, devastated, angry, lost.
 The claims she was making were pretty steep. i.e saying I was forcing her to work, that I had someone underage and force them to be together and with me, that I was a drug dealer and did drugs every weekend with them. I had sex with a dog and she has video evidence of all of it.  Once the move was complete and I had called the police. I finally broke down and cried myself to sleep that night.
I put out word I was looking for a lawyer the next day. I haven't had to deal with anything like this and needed professional help.
I have been saying a lot lately, as much as we sang, "sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt me", words hurt, they effing hurt a lot and even more as we are in the digital age. 
 
Q: Did you experience negativity from people? Or did you get much support through it? 
A: For the most part, I was met with nothing but positivity throughout the community both here and on twitter. I thankfully have a supportive family and friends. The police sadly weren't as helpful as we hope they are. It took a lot of follow up and being annoying to get charges laid and more charges following the first ones not being followed.
You were super awesome in helping too, Lydia! As soon as the negative posts were being made you have them removed and deleted. It somehow deleted a whole thread of recommendations that we can't find but maybe that will reappear one day again. Plus you were able to deal with the countless other accounts being created, some trying to be me, or make negative remarks. You couldn't have picked a better time to put life back into Lyla.
 
Q: It's the least I could do! I'm just glad it's stopped on here, at least. I’ve had quite a few people message me on here saying they’ve been outed and need to either delete their account or change their name. It’s really sad. How often do you think stuff like this happens?
A:  It's terrible, especially depending where you are in your business and your location. I thought about it as well. As the outpouring of love, support and strength from the community came in, I knew I would be okay to ride out the storm. It happens more often, especially in large cities like Toronto, and Montreal where the people, and boards are going to believe the negativity before anything else. Even if you have 100 amazing reviews.
We have an incredible community here in Halifax. The companions are here to help each other succeed, the clients for the most part are respectful and take care of us as we take care of them. We have the east coast mentally here.
 
Q: What do you think people’s motives are for outing someone?
A: For my situation, hurt people, hurt people.  Someone that feels that if they can't have it, they need to bring others down with them.
 
Q: You are always such a delight to talk to and so positive. How did you remain level headed with all of this going on?
A: Thank you! That means a ton. I am sure some of my clients may feel the dark cloud weighing down on me lately. I still try to be the best I can be when we are together. My clients have helped me through it in so many ways.

You can't let the negativity win. I am thankful for the lockdown of covid, even as much as it sucked, it allowed me to breath and be able to handle dealing with this. I was able to break down often, dust myself off and continue to move forward. I was able to reach out to fellow companions and put together screening measures, which I didn't have in place beforehand, to keep everyone safe. I took advice from a couple of the best I know for their screening measures. I was always good for using my 'filters' and still use them but I needed more to make sure she wasn't filling my schedule with fake bookings, or reporting my location to hotels or other places or worse. She brought back some of my favourite photos me, from my first year as dirtyblondestephanie, before I grew into Stephanie Mystique. How can that not be something to smile about?
 
It's the things that I love about this business that has kept me here. The freedom and flexibility I have with my life. The choices I get to make because of it and above all my clients. Some really came to the plate when I needed them most. They know it and I make sure they know it and how thankfully I am to have them. Letting me know what's going on, alerting me to posts, helping me with security, and sending funds to help me get through. 
 
Q: I wonder if there wasn’t such a stigma around sex work if people would be outed less/more comfortable sharing their identity. Do you think that has much to do with it?
A: I would love to think so. I love to believe in the world Katie see's from Horton Hears a Who. "...everyone's a pony and they eat rainbows and poop butterflies." lol It just makes me smile when I picture it. 
In that world, we'd be free to travel around the world without worry of deportation or refuse of entry. We'd be free to seek any kind of help we need, medical, security, police, marketing, accounting, and more. Without worry of it hurting future employment, medical exams, our personal safety, ect.
 
I think I still would withhold my face from photos, in case there is ever a situation that should arise that I need to deny it.   
 
Q: What advice would you give to someone trying to protect their identity?
A: As a SW, hold back your face, any key features and watermark all your photos in spots where it can't be cropped out. Have a completely separate phone and sim card, separate emails, separate social media accounts. Create your work as a whole separate person. Use a different browser on your laptop than your normal browsing. It's not just you that has that information, it's google, apple, and any information that you put onto the internet. I always view any information I send to someone or online, it's public knowledge. It's why I am not comfortable doing or sending photos, cam shows, videos to others. Yes, it's illegal for them to share or post it but to prove it for the courts that they did it, is a whole different thing to do.
 
For a client - DO YOUR RESEARCH! Do your research. For deposits your full name shows up for deposits, typically. For screening, if you've done your research and don't plan to hurt the SW, then you have nothing to worry about. There is a great thread for all of this but I will do a quick overview for what I look for.

 

I am big for looking for more than one place of advertising. There are many platforms available and many are free. Do they have twitter, is there a website? Has it been edited recently? Do they have local board presences? If they are super new, read between the lines. Is the ad completely filled out name, price, age, bust size? Do they have any signs of possibly being trafficked, or using (avail 24/7, party friendly, no blacks, ect.)? Can you have a quick conversation about the day. A simple, "Hi, How are you?" will tell you volumes of a person on the other end.

Please stop asking for services especially on a first meet, most of us have it listed somewhere. I hate to see you getting busted as one of those John's the next sting operation does. Delete emails, texts and cookies and history. Clean your hard drive seasonally as stuff deleted, is typically still stored on the hard drive. 
 
Q: That's some great advice, thank you! What advice would you give to someone who has been outed?
A: Breathe. It's okay to cry, be angry, upset, hurt and any other feeling you are feeling. Sadly a lot of this is going to be reactive measures and there isn't going to be much you can do.
I would lock down all your personal social media as tight as you can get it. Check them often, as every time there is an update, it gets reset. Delete your LinkedIn profile as there is no private setting to it. Which is where my face photo was found. 😞
Alert the police if there is any threat of harm or intended harm. Even if they do nothing, there is a file started and they can build on it if the person intends you harm. If there is serious harm or threat call 911. I don't care who we are, what we do, your life is more important than maintaining discretion. Don't be afraid to make a scene, if it's one hotel or a chain you are not welcomed back to or evicted from an apartment, your life is more important.
Then just deal with the damage as it happens. I find being honest will go a long way. Hopefully you have been good with your money as you may need a large amount of time off or work a lot less just to get through your emotions, possibly statements, and other damage you may need to deal with. 
 
Q: Thanks so much for your time, Steph. Is there anything else you’d like to add?
A: It's okay to ask for help and support. I wouldn't have been able to get the posts down or be alerted to websites that I had no idea that existed without the help of the community.
I know my personal information is now out there intertwined with my work information. I still ask for discretion, respect and privacy to my personal life and information. Information on the internet is forever, I just hope enough information gets piled on top to bury it.
I will be dealing with the fall out of this for years to come. I haven't found out if it'll affect my travel yet or future employment opportunities. Thankfully for now, I work for myself and am able to be the interviewer. 
 
Thank you so much for letting me share this. It's been a tough 6 plus months going through this.  I hope it may help someone else going through it too. Thank you for building Lyla into something that we are so happy to support and help it grow. I owe the success of my business to Lyla and the community here that has supported me since day one.
 

[Sharpe 771]

Thank you so much for sharing this difficult experience Stephanie.  I’m glad that you able to keep your positive attitude.  If something this challenging happened to me I would be chewing on the gristle of negativity for a year at least.  You sound like an amazing person.

And Lydia you are awesome as always.  Thanks

[StephanieMystique 1892]

Thank you @clearbluesky15 and @Sharpe. 

The support here has been able to help me get through it. ❤️

[NotchJohnson 214123]

I'm trying to put myself in your shoes @StephanieMystique (even if I wear size 12 shoes) and I'm glad to see that you are pulling through alright.  I know that in life we all get challenged and the best way to win is to be smarter then them not to find a way to smash them.  That is what politicians do all the time, it doesn't prove who's right or better.

Again @lydiahardwood you found a great lady to interview and than you @StephanieMystique for describing your experience in being outed. XOXO

[waterat 20911]

 I have to acknowledge @StephanieMystique that I found your interview heart wrenching and also that it led me to see you as a brave, strong, thoughtful and caring person. It may seem counter intuitive but the bravery and strength are indicated by someone who can reach out, ask for help and accept it. Not many are good at that. I'm copying and pasting your last sentence as it shows all of us here where our work needs to continue. Thank you.:

"I owe the success of my business to Lyla and the community here that has supported me since day one."

And a shout out to @lydiahardwood for all her support and leadership here for the community.

[5thHorseman 84]

Stephanie, I think you're brave to be able to share the story, but I am so sorry this happened to you. I'm glad to see a community here that is supportive of SWs, and helps them network.