An Interview With... Clear Blue Sky - Combating Toxic Review Board Culture

[Guest lydiahardwood]

Another Sunday, another interview! This time it's a topic that we all need to talk about more; toxic review board culture. Thank you to @clearbluesky15 for sharing his thoughts on the matter.

 

Q: Helloooo CBS! It’s lovely to talk to you, I think this is a great topic to get your thoughts on. So first of all, tell me about yourself and your journey in this industry so far.
A: Hey Lydia, thanks so much for having me. I’ve enjoyed this series of interviews quite a bit, and so was excited to have the opportunity to participate. My journey may not be as courageous as some of the others here… I have been lucky. I’ve met interesting people, learned a lot, and gained experience and satisfaction in ways that I can’t imagine without some of the folks here, and am more amazed every day about the contrast with the way the industry is pictured with what we have here.
 
Q: I’ve already had the pleasure of speaking to you a fair bit so I know how much of a gentleman you are, which makes you great to speak on this topic. Tell me, what would you define as toxic review board culture?
A: That’s a hard question, I suppose I can start with the words: culture, toxicity, and boards/forums like this… so suppose it would be a place where the norms of a forum (of any sort really) condone or worse encourage people to speak past each other, or apply labels that mischaracterize them as individuals… when that happens it hurts, and people react to hurt, often badly. I would think such an environment would poison a genuine meeting of the minds, and break down the sense of community.
 
Q: The biggest problem with review board culture for me tends to be the reviews themselves. Reviewing human beings is an extremely personal thing which is why we only allow positive recommendations and nothing explicit. Can you give some advice on how to write a recommendation/review that doesn’t play into toxicity?
A: Well if we use the definition above, it would have to be something genuine, individual, and personal. I’m not sure that a collection of acts is that… “particular activities” happen between two folks, and they have a broader context…  that might not happen in another context or even be helpful in another context. For example, if, during a visit someone did *the thing* that was perfect for the other person at that moment… but not right for the one reading the review… an otherwise glowing review could turn off other potential clients… I think the only thing a person can truly own is how they feel and felt about the time together. 
To be clear, I’m not saying I write the perfect reviews either, just something I’m thinking about and working on. 
 
Q: How long and detailed do you think reviews/recommendations should be? 
A: I suspect we're talking about "acronyms" lists when we say "detail." I don’t feel “the acronyms” are helpful to get a sense of the person a client might see, and can be harmful, hurtful, or maybe even cause legal issues. I realize there are some clients that view value solely by “act x”… if that is really all you want… there are SPs that advertise like that… that’s your best bet… and you don’t need a review to tell you that you’ll always get “xyz”… if the SP leads with that in their ad… otherwise the rule is YMMV, and I’m thankful for that. Where I find a positive review can be both long and helpful is where a client describes how the session felt to them (they own their feelings) in genuine, personal, and universal terms.
 
Q: @Greenteal mentioned fake reviews being part of toxic review board culture - doing them for favours or Providers making fake accounts to write their own. We don’t see that much here, thankfully, but what are your thoughts on inauthenticity and the dangers it brings?
A: I’d agree that something that isn’t true isn’t genuine. If its not genuine, people understandably react, starting a cycle that doesn’t help anyone. If I had to speculate, I’d say that the one adding falsehoods to the dialog isn’t motivated by contribution to the community, but rather hoping to trade on the good will and work of others to get their way. Keeping folks like that in the community would harm it, and make members more suspicious of other legitimate content, which would be unfortunate.
 
Q: Do you think that Lyla is different to other boards and if so, how?
A: I do, I’d joined other ones, and it took me a while to realise that I wasn’t really all that interested in acronyms… and that takes a little time to figure out what you really want… a lot of clients (and I suspect SPs) grew up ashamed of their desires or desirability… and when one is ashamed, AND doesn’t know what they want (so likely don’t get it)… its harder to connect to others… and maybe that why some lash out.  I think its hard to get past isolation and preconceptions until you start to hear true and deep stores, either in person or in a forum and start forming connections. Am I excusing bad behaviour? Not at all. I think I understand it though. We all start with preconceptions of those different from us… gender or a lot of other things. Stories are one of the best ways to bridge that. Stories like these interviews. Learning about the experiences of providers and clients, of different race gender, orientation… those break down barriers. In the end we’re all human, and stories bring us together… whether around a campfire, or on here :). Lyla has those stories, supportive people, and when needed rules that expel folks that can’t get past themselves.
 
Q: What do you think are the most important things we can do as a community and a board to keep toxicity at bay?
A: Communities have norms. Its okay that folks that intentionally antagonise are expelled. Communities have been doing that for centuries. Second, stories. If I can be permitted something slightly off topic, I’d like to encourage you all to watch the first story here… Amber Ruffin is a successful comedienne, a world traveller, and a television star… IE: not a criminal… if you want, watch the others… watch the first though:

Q: I know a few Providers are hesitant to try Lyla based on their experiences with other boards. What would you say to those people?
A: I wish I could say to a provider that they won’t run across bad behaviour here. Is it fair? Never… I find it upsetting when I see people I know, that bring such joy to me and other clients being treated poorly… precisely because they bring such joy to people, and are willing to devote themselves to it as a vocation… very frustrating… however, a site with rules, moderators, and stories like this one, will see the least of it, and there is enough support here for both sides, that in my view, they will find they will meet other providers, with great business ideas, support, and I suspect, one where advertisements have a better chance to be read by reliable and respectful clients, given what I read… I may be wrong on that last point though, so welcome Providers to correct me 😊
 
Q: Do you think some people can unintentionally display a toxic attitude? And if so, can you think of any examples?
A: Sure, as humans, I invite each person reading this to think of times we have behaved thoughtlessly. I suspect that each of the people reading this have their own example. People do that all the time. There’s a really great book: https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-2-0-Travis-Bradberry/dp/0974320625 
One of the skills it teaches is recognising your own feelings, one is recognising other’s feelings, and the last is channelling your feelings (and the needs that drive them) productively.
For some folks, this is easier, some of us, and I count myself among them, have to keep working on it.
 
Q: What do you think we can do to fight against toxicity in this industry?
A: Again, a hard question. When treated unfairly, one does want to fight. I grew up with a very conservative religious background, and had attitudes that I’ve grown past. We all start with the belief system we're given. I was lucky to meet folks that I respected, and were very different from me… They taught me, told me their stories and helped me. So I think the "fight" is really a discussion of education where windows of receptivity present themselves. I'm glad I never felt labeled or attacked for some of the views I've since grown past... and for that I’m grateful. That emotional work that others did for my benefit exhibited trust and an investment in me, and again, for that I am thankful.
 
Q: Thanks again for your time. Is there anything else you would like to add?
A: Hey Lydia, again, just thanks to you for including mine in your collection of stories. I hope they some day make it into a book or article… this series contains a perspective that is unique… I can’t think of another place I would run across this kind of sharing. Take care, much love, and have a great evening.

 

 

[Sharpe 771]

Love these Sunday morning interviews!  Stories are definitely an important way to make connections and encourage understanding.  Some great points here CBS.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic.

Thank you too Lydia for for creating these opportunities to share and encourage connections though this board.  There’s way too much negativity out there.  Some positivity is most welcome.

[waterat 20911]

WOW!!! @clearbluesky15 thank you so much for such a balanced, understanding and thoughtful interview. Excellent, helpful and right on point. All good suggestions. If you publish a book or article I'm buying copies for myself and people who need to have their eyes gently opened. Your answers are so well written. You clearly make the world, and this board, a better place.

And again another thanks to @lydiahardwood for conducting and posting these inspiring interviews. Your contributions and hard work do not go unnoticed, Hardwood! (,,,, see what I did there?) :)

p.s. @clearbluesky15 I found  Amber Ruffin near the start of lock down through my youtube problem. Now she rocks my world, especially during these times, and always with a smile.

[NotchJohnson 214129]

Thank you @clearbluesky15 for all your help on this subject, I do hope that many people read your story and can have respect for each other.  Thanks to @lydiahardwood for getting these awesome interviews and sharing them with all of us.

[Deanna Delight 157]

Thank you @clearbluesky15 for your insight and views on this subject. Thank you @lydiahardwood for hosting these interesting interviews. Respect and support for all of us in this industry is very important and will foster a positive view to be regarded. Unfortunately there are those that engage in toxic behaviour and practice cancel culture. This is detrimental to the industry. Hopefully those that do engage in this behaviour will read articles such as this and hopefully learn to be a team player. I believe respect, inclusion and support is paramount to foster an accepting viewpoint for us all. We have a wonderful industry and I wish it to prevail through inclusion and acceptance. Love each other as you wish to be loved and accepted. We are all allowed our own opinions, be positive on everything we say and do.

[SarahAlexxx 2025]

So glad I finally got to read this. I've been hearing about it for weeks. Lol! 

@clearbluesky15 I have always enjoyed your insight. Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly. ♡