An Interview with Josie Ramoan (formally Shalom Harloe) - What Is Sex?

[Guest lydiahardwood]

Happy weekend gorgeous people! I am excited to publish this interview with @Shalom. We all love sex (we wouldn't be here if we didn't, right? 😛) but what actually *is* sex? How do we define it? I am sure you will find Shalom's answers thought provoking. Please do let us know your thoughts in the comments!

Q: Hey Shalom. Thanks for agreeing to share your thoughts on this interesting topic!

A: You’re welcome! I’m excited to get into these questions! This particular seems pretty perfect for me!

Q: Thanks! So what got you into this industry and how long have you been a part of it?

A: I’ve been doing some form of sex work for about 12 years. I started on cam sites out of necessity mostly. After working in retail stores and cafes since I was 16 I needed something that allowed me the freedom from all the hellish realities of the service industry and minimum wage work. 

I learned pretty quickly that camming was not for me. 

All respect to those performers who do it! But I am best in smaller spurts of individualised connection. 

I moved on to BDSM and Domination which I love and still do, but found it wasn’t consistent enough. So I tried offering full service sessions about 7 years ago. Best decision of my life! It’s the best fit for me, let’s me flex my Domme muscles on occasion, and I love being able to meet new people and connect on so many intimate and vulnerable levels.

Q: You have had a varied sex work journey so far! So let’s talk about sex, baby! Initial thoughts - what is sex to you?

A: Hmmmm, where do I even begin? First, I’d say sex is visceral connection. And many opposing human experiences. Vulnerability and strength, spirituality and depravity, something inherently human and animalistic. It’s also deep and meaningful, or fun and frivolous. Or just, a way to combat the boredom of an endless lockdown?!

Q: Nice! Do you count solo masturbation as sex?

A: Absolutely! The idea that sex only exists when there is 1 or more other people involved has always been confusing to me. Masturbation can be all the things I mentioned above, only the connection is with yourself, your spirit, your body. It’s also an act of self care and love which I think is something we don’t really talk about enough. A good wank-sesh releases the same neuro-chemicals as partnered sex and we need those chemicals to be healthy, happy humans.

Q: A lot of people only count sex as penetration, but what about LGBTQ sex? For example, how do you define sex with a woman?

A: I think that sex without penetration or a penis can often tend to be more cerebral and tactile. The focus is not on putting the ‘P’ in the ‘V’ but on experiencing pleasure (or pain!) in a way that is completely individual to those involved. And when you aren’t solely focused on mashing body parts together you get to focus on fucking each others mind, body and maybe even soul. Hot!

But just like all forms of sex, queer sex can also just be a physical expression of 2 (or more) people’s horniness and that is still a great thing!

Q: Being in the queer community has made me realise how heteronormative everything is. For example discussing different “bases” from school. How do you think we can (as a society) become more inclusive in our terminology and sex education?

A: I think the easiest way to be more inclusive is to simply be mindful and remember that not all ‘women’ have vulvas and not all ‘men’ have penises. 

I try really hard to be non-gender specific with my words. It’s an adjustment, but it’s really not hard to say things like ‘people with breasts’ or ‘people with penises’ or some variation. Or simply, genitals. Everyone has genitals, gender doesn’t determine whether those genitals are an ‘innie’ or an ‘outie’. 

Another way to be more inclusive is to stop perpetuating the idea that sex is only what we call ‘PIV’ (penis is vagina), because, firstly, that’s a dull definition of sex (PIV is not dull, but the idea that it’s all that sex is, is dull! Get creative people!). And secondly, there are so many amazing experiences left out of that concept.

Q: I’ve heard people say that lesbians are technically still virgins. What are your thoughts on “virginity”? Do you think we are classing it correctly?
 

A: Nope! Not even a little bit, I don’t think we classify it correctly at all!

I mean, what about lesbians who use strap-ons? Or digital penetration? Is a silicone penis that looks and feels as life like as modern technology can produce not still a kind of penis? Do fingers not hit those spots?

The idea of virginity is so tied up in outdated ideas of gender and shame and sex negativity and I think holding on to those ideas is harmful to people of all genders and all ages.

Q: I prefer the term “sexual debut”! Do you think there’s anything problematic in how we talk about virginity. E.g. We say that you “lose” it, and there’s a lot of pressure (mainly for women) to preserve it.

A: Whoooooo, I’m going to try not be concise and not rant too much on this one!

First, the term ‘virgin’ literally means an unmarried and/or young woman. Somewhere in human history we assigned the word to this idea that the act of sex, specifically for the first time, is a tangible thing that a man is supposed to take from a woman. And that if a woman has given that mysterious item to someone else, she has lost all value and respectability. And whoa! What bullshit! 
 

Virginity is a concept that was invented in a time when women’s only value was in her ability to provide offspring and in many cases, provide status or wealth to her family (mainly father) by marrying a man of higher status. Sorry. I had to go there!! So, there’s really no reason to hold on such an outdated concept. 
 

Then there’s this whole idea of the hymen? Which actually, in most people with vaginas, is tissue that forms in the embryonic stage but during development opens itself. Some women do have more of this tissue than others, but it is not this weird freshness seal over the vagina that is meant to be torn open? I mean ew? Anyway, the concept is based on very outdated understanding of the bodies of people with vaginas and the vast majority of innies do not even bleed the first time they have penetrative intercourse. 

Ok, that wasn’t too painful. But yeah, let’s get rid of the whole thing!

Q: LOVE that answer - you are so right! Back to PIV sex… do you think that we often define sex as penetration in order to keep our “body count” lower?

A: I think that can be true for some people for sure. I also think that the urge to keep ‘body counts’ lower in any way, is part of how our culture is still so sex negative. So classifying sex as only being an act of penetration is a way to avoid all the various different ways we still shame ourselves not only for being sexualised people sometimes, but really doing anything that is pleasurable. 

Like don’t eat too much of that chocolate cake, don’t watch too much Netflix, you should feel bad that instead of cleaning your bathroom you watched some porn and rubbed one out!! Lol, no, do what makes you happy as long as no one else gets hurt.

Q: It’s funny how as a society we tend to class penetration as sex yet there are other sexual things you can do which are incredibly, and arguably more, intimate. Such as oral. What are your thoughts on that?

A: I think there are sexual acts that can be infinitely more intimate than penetration for sure. It all depends on so many factors. 

And there are things that aren’t sexual that can be extremely intimate as well. The client who opens up to me about his struggles with his own sexuality while we cuddle fully clothed is trusting me with something far more vulnerable and intimate than the client who has a menu and a to-do list and is checking items off with whoever is available when he has time. 

There’s a time and place for all these experiences and they’re all valid (mostly…) but when we limit intimacy to PIV or sex to PIV we miss out on a whole universe of amazing possibilities and experiences.

Q: Thank you for your time. Anything else to add before we wrap up (excuse the pun)?

A: Thanks for including me in this series!! 

I think the thing I want to add is, a quote from a great song that has been playing in my mind as I write this. ‘Free your mind and the rest will follow’.

 

[NotchJohnson 214123]

Great interview again @lydiahardwood and awesome answers @Shalom.  I agree with everything that you said.  Sex does start in the mind and just let it unroll as long as no one gets hurt.  Thank you.

[OverTheTop 27]

Very thought provoking ideas. Intelligence is so sexy. Thanks for doing the interview. 

[StephanieMystique 1892]

Great interview! 

I will be re-reading this one many times. 

[Guest]

Nice interview.

I agree with so much of it, especially about other acts (oral, etc) also being sex. 

When I was doing massage, many women told me my hands and mouth were as good as any penis, and that the 1 hour build up via massage was the best foreplay ever.

To be honest, in many of those sessions, my penis never left my shorts and I was nevertheless, completely satisfied. 

I guess it's different for everyone.

[Josie Ramoan 1056]

I'm so glad you all enjoyed my thoughts!

 

Thank you! 🥰

[Phaedrus 209521]

Thanks, @Shalom! This is something that I wish was better understood: that sex is a lot more than just P-in-V (or other orifice).