BDSM Play: Image vs. Reality

[Guest]

BDSM is an incredibly complex and nuanced subject. You are right that this fellow over-invested....in a word I would say you have excellent instincts. It is a subject of great interest to me and I have learned a lot from the Kink website fetlife.com. I urge anyone with more than a passing fancy in this subject to browse that website to learn and explore more.

[Cato 160314]

This is one aspect of sexuality that doesn't appeal to me at all. I have no experience in it, and don't intend to.

I'm not judgemental at all about it, it just has no interest for me personally.

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

What you've mentioned in your post, it seems as this client got caught up in the tecnical details and it spoiled his fantasy. It is no fault of your own but probably more of a case of the fantasy was better in his head than when he played it out in real life. Like Scott said, there is a lot that goes into BDSM play and when you watch porn movies like this, there are people there to do the technical work and the people involved in the scene have nothing to do with it. He went out of his way and was probably disappointed in himself but he should have communicated in a better manner with you when he felt this way.

[MightyPen 67414]

It's not just BDSM that can go wrong this way: every aspect of sex (and other things in life) can collapse and tumble into that yawning chasm between expectation and practical reality.

 

For virgins, it's sex, period: it's supposed to go wonderfully and smoothly like in all the movies, but in reality knees and elbows and things start getting in the way. You lean on her long hair and she can't lift her head. You find out you can't actually bend that way, or you're not quite coordinated enough to do THIS and THAT at the same time. It can be frustrating, disappointing, and spoiled.

 

Even for the experienced, it happens commonly with fetishes. Like simple sex is for the virgin, a fetish is an obsession nursed for a lifetime before that moment, with little scenarios lived and re-lived countless times in the fetishist's imagination. You can bring a partner somewhat up to speed with good communication, but some parts of what a fetishist is after can remain mystifying and really, even the most caring partner is unlikely to match the detailed script and knowing ease of fantasy partners. It's something that has to be learned over time, and adapted to fit REAL people instead of fantasies.

 

BDSM falls into the same zone as fetishes of course: it's intimacy carried out in the context of dense symbols and deep, subconscious triggers and meanings. And the solution is the same here as it is for virgins, or fetishists: take it slow, build up an understanding (for you and your partner) of how things really work, and start to adapt your expectations to match what you're learning in real life. Eventually, you build a bridge from your side outward as you acquire practical experience. And you build a bridge from the other side towards you, as you adapt your idealized expectations and incorporate some of the new and exciting real-world stuff you've learned.

 

I think you're bang on, Samantha, that your client was too heavily invested in the other side of the chasm: how things SHOULD be, in an elaborate scenario he had fixed in his mind but wasn't equipped to act out yet. There was no line connecting that, with his present self. Some things you need to LEARN, and can't just do at the drop of a hat. You've gotta take it in little steps until the gap closes from both sides of that gulf.*

 

I've been lucky enough to have eased gently into many of my favourite little pet fantasies, and got all the way to the deep end after a few sessions, with some talented and insightful SPs. Not so much luck through the decades when I've tried things in my "real" relationships, though.

 

 

 

* I'm reminded of a friend who, when she had her first child, was distraught that she didn't "get" how to breast-feed the instant she first held her infant son. She figured it out of course, but it didn't happen in that dreamy, effortless perfection that she imagined it would go. This is an issue with LOTS of things besides sex. It's a problem most especially in things that are heavily charged with meaning for us, whatever those things may be.

[mrrnice2 157005]

What a fascinating question posed here.

Prior discussion between an SP and the client is probably a must, at least to a degree, and perhaps very much so in the type of scenario outlined here by Samantha. The question then becomes that of to what degree can or should that discussion take place.

I have two personal experiences that I can refer to. In my time on CERB I have come to love what is known as the GFE, however it is defined. By my definition it has been absolutely perfect. As well, I have availed myself of the opportunity to explore areas of sexuality and have had two first time experiences. One was a long held fantasy and the other a quite new interest in exploring the topic of BDSM.

My initial impetus came from a desire to recreate something that happened in my past that was very special to me that happened with a very special person. This experience involved restraint and teasing but in exactly the reverse scenario from what Samantha outlined. I was the recipient rather than her. In my mind, I knew what I had experienced and had found so incredibly erotic, yet to explain it to an SP who might help me was very difficult.

Perhaps another of the Catch-22's that I keep running into, but my original experience was something that just "happened", out of the blue, very uncharacteristically. Scripting it now almost in some way defeated the purpose of recreating that experience.

The other side of the coin is an awareness that an SP is not a mind reader, as much as I wish it were so at times.

So perhaps with some trepidation on the part of the SP the encounter went ahead. It was incredible, and something that I would not ever take back, but neither is it something that I will repeat. I believe that I learned that one cannot recreate an experience. The original experience involved far more than the sexual act. It involved the sharing of minds and an incredible erotic scene between two people who acted on impulse at a specific time and place and under specific circumstances. If a hobbyist wants to recreate something as specific as that, I would think that it is impossible to do.

Perhaps this is where Samantha's client went "wrong," and I understand from personal experience how that could happen. One learns as one goes along.

As seems clear from Samantha's story, and I know from my experience, SP's pride themselves on meeting the needs of their clients, so when clients cannot or will not express their desires clearly it is very difficult SP's to meet their needs.

My second newfound experience (not BDSM) was not one that I had ever participated in previously, so in that case it was left wide open in terms of how things might go. I had no prior expectation of exactly what to expect, and it was beyond amazing.

To sum up, and speaking for myself, to try to script an encounter moment by moment would take away a great deal from potentially erotic experiences. I am afraid that I am very unlikely to ever want to try to recreate a specific scene because sometimes, things that happened in the past were just perfect, and perfection is something unable to be duplicated, or maybe even is something that should not even be attempted.

Give me the GFE, the meeting of the minds, the social interaction and the impromptu things that happen between two people who enjoy each others company. Less pressure on everyone involved and the learning and sharing together is so very erotic in itself.

[Guest C*****tte]

One thing that came to mind as I read about Samantha's recent experience is that you need to have some practice and know how before playing with new BDSM toys to avoid frustration. That or the expectation of the unexpected. There is a learning curve when using equipment you are unfamiliar with - especially when you are with a person you have just met and in a room you are not familiar with.

[Chanel Reign 28097]

I used to have a client that was the same Samantha. He was a regular for a while. Although he was looking for a Submissive, he contacted me, fully knowing I was a Domina but wanted to try as Submissive. Well he showed up with a case that I have only seen at bdsm clubs. My reaction was a smile.

 

His assortment of things included pretty much exactly what Samantha has described. It turned out he was actually able to "flip" me and we switched out every other session. He even started building a dungeon in my basement.

 

But I think he was hardwired to be Dominant and I don't think he enjoyed, after all, being submissive. He asked for a caning, I gave it to him (which is something I don't usually go as far as) and I have not see him since.

 

People may be hardwired to be who they are, but experimentation on "the other side" does give a better understanding of the mindset on the receiving end of the twitch.

 

Having had submissive men in my real life, I am able to ask intimate questions regarding the cerebral end of submission et al. Having hardcore Mistresses as friends, I am able to see where MY line is and my no-gos are.

 

Communication and trust are paramount in this type of endeavour. Hard to do on a first date. Some people are very hesitant to share verbally let alone via email.

 

No matter what the communication has been to date, my first playtime with bdsm clients is usually me dressed appropriately, a little experimentation and a lot of talk.

 

May I suggest that if you find a suitable partner SP that provides what you want, STICK WITH HER. The more you see someone, the lines of communication, comfort level and trust open further and further. In my opinion these are the 3 most important issues with bdsm practices, whether professional or in real life.

 

What I have learned: I am Domina; I can be flipped; I am slightly submissive to the right women; and I need to upscale my line of toys! lol

 

I think a road trip to WW's is in order.

 

:spank:

[capitalman 3861]

I give the guy credit for trying something new and taking a risk, even if he failed. He may not know it, but he learned something. Practice makes perfect.

 

Samantha I don't really know you or what you're like, but if you like the guy and care, maybe invite him back to try again....if he invested money in his equipment I'm sure he'll want to use it.

 

I know I've felt like a failure many times trying new things, and it's not just bdsm things I'm referring to...all aspects of life. You just have to keep trying until you get it right. If you know what you want, you have to keep that goal in sight. Help him out, give him a nudge, I know it always helps me.

 

I remember a girl laughing at me as I tried to tie her up and she slipped out of my ropes too easily. I was so embarrassed but you know what? My knots got better.

[VedaSloan 119179]

Just reminding myself to come back to this when it's not 2:30am the night before a 10am class. *cough*

[SamanthaEvans 166767]

Samantha I don't really know you or what you're like, but if you like the guy and care, maybe invite him back to try again....if he invested money in his equipment I'm sure he'll want to use it.

 

Thanks for the suggestion, capitalman. If I'd thought of it in June when this happened, it might have been a good idea. That said, I never initiate contact with anyone I've seen unless explicitly invited to do so. After four months, I think that too much time has gone buy and my invitation might just look like a bid to earn more of his money.

 

If he contacts me again--which is possible--I would agree to see him if we could first have a chat on the phone about what he needs to experience and how important it is to be flexible, not too focused on particular outcomes!

[VedaSloan 119179]

I feel as though you've already arrived at the answer to your question.

 

If he contacts you again, just be upfront in discussing with him his expectations. He obviously had a particular scene and outcome in mind and was frustrated when that didn't materialize.

 

At least now you know you have to have this discussion with clients!