Advice with helping out an SP

[Lilbrownster 1068]

Heya everyone, I need a bit of advice.

Obviously for privacy, I won't mention who but a very nice lady I met at the start of this year has had a really tough time recently... A death of someone close, separated from her child, lost her apartment and in recent conversations with me, has mentioned wanting to die. She said she feels alone and that nobody is there to help her.

Since my day job is helping people, I offered to try to help her too (ie. at least help her come up with a plan to get back on her feet). She seemed really appreciative and open to it, but then she goes MIA every time I try to help her, only to come back 12-24 hours later saying things like she turns off her phone to forget about the world (or wishing everyone forgets her), or that she just sleeps all the time as an escape and that's why she wasn't responding.

I'm genuinely concerned for their wellbeing but it's not like I have their full name or address to even call the police for a wellness check. My work is pretty stressful, so adding the stress of worrying about this lady hasn't been great for my own mental health...

What should I do? I feel obligated to check in on her now, but am I overstepping boundaries? Or is it more of a risk to just leave her be (I don't want her to feel like nobody cares)? Or should I be leaving it and she can reach out if she actually wants help? Or is this person pulling one over on me and they're just seeking attention?

I only rarely see providers, maybe once every year or two so I've never been in this situation before... So I'd appreciate anyone's input!

 

TL/DR version: a lady who I saw once is going through a very rough patch, and I'm worried about her. I don't know if it's for attention or if she actually needs help.

[Guest]

         To help someone, a person needs to accept it. If she bailed out on you, it's likely because not ready. Sadly, not much can be done. You can find local groups and shelters who could offer her support. But will be up to her to contact them.

         Not saying you should ignore her. But until she makes decisions about her situation and future, keeping some distance should be the best option.

[Mikeyboy 27133]

 You can offer help and let her know that you are there if she wants it, but in the end, she has to make the call. If you push too hard you may just push her away. There are boundaries in this type of relationship that are easily crossed.  Sometimes just knowing someone gives a sh*t can make a difference though.

 You mentioned the possibility of being taken advantage of. That is always a possibility when you try to help anyone. As long as you don’t let it turn into a situation where you are providing financial assistance, then I wouldn’t be too concerned. Follow your gut.

 Good luck

[Guest]

         Helping someone we barely know can be tricky. As we rarely get a full picture of the situation, an helpful gesture can unintentionally fuel or enable the source of their problem.

         Also, the deeper we get into someone private life, the greater the chance of getting dragged into it. Including the potential of unwanted communications with law enforcement and current or ex-business associates.

         Some regional services are specialized in that type of matter. Better communicate with them for advices.

[harboursmoke 3087]

I can appreciate your sense of humanity and it should be applauded. 

 

If you wish to help you need to be prepared that that help will be abused or squandered, and you need to make peace with that ahead of time.

 

Also you need steadfast boundaries that keep you from getting involved beyond what youre normally comfortable with. 

 

I learned something years ago, they don't actually like you, they like your money.  Don't forget that.  

 

Keep all that in mind and be the best person you can.

[Lilbrownster 1068]

Thanks for your input guys, it's much appreciated!

I'm giving her some space now, but I have let her know that I could *potentially* help her out. I assumed she wanted help by reaching out to me, but like most of you said, if she actually wanted help, she'd make more of an effort to be available.

1 hour ago, harboursmoke said:

If you wish to help you need to be prepared that that help will be abused or squandered, and you need to make peace with that ahead of time

To your point Harboursmoke, I understand people will take advantage of kindness, they've done so in the past with me, and I'm sure people will continue to lol. But that's all cancelled out by the people who do need the help and are grateful for it. I can be too trusting though, so I've learned to get other people's opinions on sob stories, hence the reason I posted here.

Thanks again everyone!

[Guest]

2 hours ago, harboursmoke said:

I learned something years ago, they don't actually like you, they like your money.  Don't forget that.  

  I'm not quite sure why you felt necessary to post this.

  No matter what we do for a living, we all want the same: A roof, food and a bit extra when possible. We can't always get the job or income we want. When facing challenging periods, money won't always fix everything.

  Some will exploit certain situations. But for many, simply asking for help will be the hardest thing to do. Generalizing providers and their unique situation only reinforce old stereotypes.

   There different situations and many ways to help.

[Deanna Delight 155]

Well said Greenteal 👍

[harboursmoke 3087]

23 hours ago, Greenteal said:

  I'm not quite sure why you felt necessary to post this.

  No matter what we do for a living, we all want the same: A roof, food and a bit extra when possible. We can't always get the job or income we want. When facing challenging periods, money won't always fix everything.

  Some will exploit certain situations. But for many, simply asking for help will be the hardest thing to do. Generalizing providers and their unique situation only reinforce old stereotypes.

   There different situations and many ways to help.

Because I've seen it before where a fella thinks a girl likes him and and bad decisions are made on false pretenses.  And its lead to broken hearts and squandered cash. 

@Lilbrownster as I said I applaud your sense of humanity and willingness to help.  Just be careful and set boundaries. 

 

[Guest]

9 minutes ago, harboursmoke said:

Because I've seen it before where a fella thinks a girl likes him and and bad decisions are made on false pretenses.  And its lead to broken hearts and squandered cash. 

 

   I think it's important to analyze each situations and read if someone sincerely need help or not.

Sometimes it's simple things like paying a cab, give a ride home(when safe to do so) or just have an honest conversation until the driver shows up.

   If someone tries to spin a situation as a clients responsibility, my willingness to help will certainly evaporate. But if see sincerity, I got no problems in working on solutions.

   We're all in this together. Better make the best of it.

[halifax76 2855]

Much to what everyone is saying, you can't help someone until they decide to accept it. You don't do yourself, them or anyone else any good wearing yourself down trying. I've been offering suggestions and help since I started seeing her myself years ago spending most of our time talking about life and am also concerned, but also realise there is nothing I can do until there is a possibility. Glad to hear there is others out there who are still treating and thinking about service providers as humans first. 

[michellecaviar 271]

At the end of the day its still a BUISNESS ... Not judging on anyone   im a SP myself  ..  but ourselves ,i mean  our life is our own responsibility ... Not anyone burden  i get it things get hard n  tough sometimes but  thats not others to  burden  everyone struggles too..its just in a different manner or in  other ways or form   . lets not forget that   

 

[fatboyNOTslim 66]

I can't speak for everybody, but I think most dudes are simply looking for drama-free intimacy in this hobby, so why invite problems into your life? I know a man who is miserable because he felt it was his duty to 'save' somebody, and he doesn't even get anything out of it (yet the bad boy on/off boyfriend certainly does lol).

[michellecaviar 271]

100% agree. 

[harboursmoke 3087]

10 hours ago, michellecaviar said:

At the end of the day its still a BUISNESS ... Not judging on anyone   im a SP myself  ..  but ourselves ,i mean  our life is our own responsibility ... Not anyone burden  i get it things get hard n  tough sometimes but  thats not others to  burden  everyone struggles too..its just in a different manner or in  other ways or form   . lets not forget that   

 

 

Well put.  

[harboursmoke 3087]

2 hours ago, fatboyNOTslim said:

I can't speak for everybody, but I think most dudes are simply looking for drama-free intimacy in this hobby, so why invite problems into your life? I know a man who is miserable because he felt it was his duty to 'save' somebody, and he doesn't even get anything out of it (yet the bad boy on/off boyfriend certainly does lol).

 

That's what I warning about.  

 

I've seen it too.  I had a friend ask me for a loan because an escort "really liked him" and he needed to be able to afford to see her.

 

I bought him a coffee and gave free advice.  He's better now. 

[Lilbrownster 1068]

To clarify something, she reached out to me. I haven't fallen for this lady and I'm under no illusions that I'm here to save her. I understand this is normally a business, and I was a customer, but we are all human so I'm not going to turn a blind eye if someone is struggling. I interpreted her reaching out as wanting help, so I came here for some advice. 

 

@fatboyNOTslimWhile I understand the point you're making, but I don't need to get something from someone in order to help them. Just like when I give a gift, I'm not expecting anything in return. I'm not throwing money at her, or opening up my house so she has a place to stay, I just don't want her to hurt herself or feel so isolated that she doesn't matter. 

 

Anyway, I appreciate everyone's advice and opinions, that fact that you read my post and spent time either messaging me or posting here has been really helpful.

[JessyCeleste 14078]

First of all, you Sir, are beautiful!

 

As the others state, you can bring a horse to water, but you cant make them drink. Definitely do not drop by. I would say reach out via remote means. Text, email, whatever you got. And just tell her how you feel and that you are there to help in anyway you both think may be helpful.

 

She sounds extremely troubled and I will not speculate (nor should anyone) what the problems are. But do please remember self-care while caring for others. 

 

I would refrain from offering money for several good reasons.

Just contact her, let her know u genuinely care as a person and u are worried but also understand she may need space and you are hoping the silence is her recovering. 

 

You may never hear from her again and if you dont, it may actually be a good thing, meaning it may be because she's better and has changed everything in life. 

 

Its a sad fact in the industry that yin/yang applies as ever. Its great that the money symbolizes boundaries that either party may suddenly disappear but it also sucks to love /care for someone and just never know what became of them. Its the downside. I just send them love and good energy and hope they feel it.

 

Take care! xo

[Joeyjoseph 0]

I would just let her be. Mabey help her financially. But if she is in this game I'm sure she is a tough one. I understand and I hope she will be ok. 

[Orpheo12 70]

On 8/1/2022 at 9:53 PM, Lilbrownster said:

Heya everyone, I need a bit of advice.

Obviously for privacy, I won't mention who but a very nice lady I met at the start of this year has had a really tough time recently... A death of someone close, separated from her child, lost her apartment and in recent conversations with me, has mentioned wanting to die. She said she feels alone and that nobody is there to help her.

Since my day job is helping people, I offered to try to help her too (ie. at least help her come up with a plan to get back on her feet). She seemed really appreciative and open to it, but then she goes MIA every time I try to help her, only to come back 12-24 hours later saying things like she turns off her phone to forget about the world (or wishing everyone forgets her), or that she just sleeps all the time as an escape and that's why she wasn't responding.

I'm genuinely concerned for their wellbeing but it's not like I have their full name or address to even call the police for a wellness check. My work is pretty stressful, so adding the stress of worrying about this lady hasn't been great for my own mental health...

What should I do? I feel obligated to check in on her now, but am I overstepping boundaries? Or is it more of a risk to just leave her be (I don't want her to feel like nobody cares)? Or should I be leaving it and she can reach out if she actually wants help? Or is this person pulling one over on me and they're just seeking attention?

I only rarely see providers, maybe once every year or two so I've never been in this situation before... So I'd appreciate anyone's input!

 

TL/DR version: a lady who I saw once is going through a very rough patch, and I'm worried about her. I don't know if it's for attention or if she actually needs help.

EDITED. I have followed this post a couple of times and my gut says that no advice can be correct, because the circumstances of every individual are different. Long post coming. Using the M:F hetero pattern for clarity, but obviously men, women, Trans, Bi, can be any of these.

 

RESCUERS

I am a Co-Dependent "Rescuer" vulnerable to the "Pretty Woman" fantasy, imagining that Richard Gere can help Julia Roberts. But the truth is, she saved him! Now she may be a fiction (an SP with a heart of gold), but from what I see here, there are a great many SPs who work hard to keep their humanity, not become jaded, and genuinely care for their clients. As my shrink told me in 2001,, he does his work "with love" without getting confused by "Transference," by maintaining professional boundaries. So SPs may be way more mature at this than the average person; keeping "Love" well apart from "SEX." But a (former) Rescuer like me  "loves" the one in need so she will need him. That can get toxic. So SPs avoid the clients who start to "fall in love" with them. Dangerous.

Sometimes a Rescuer can actually help a victim get her act together

 

VICTIMS:

I victim wants to be rescued and does not take responsibility to help herself. When she learns to love herself and take responsibility for her own needs, she does not need the rescuer anymore. But Rescuers may turn Controlling to keep their partner in Victim Mind. Bad news. Either way, many Victims stay stuck begging for others to save them.

 

The victim mind is often rooted in real trauma. they really were VICTIMS. It is hard to heal. Most get stuck get stuck in addictive and obsessive behaviors.

 

CATFISHING:

A rescuer is easy prey to a scammer playing out the romantic fantasy of a damsel in distress. Pretty Woman turns out to be Cruella deVille, thinking, If it is all about money, who not take advantage of the suckers? Donald Trump.

 

But in my experience I have met far more Catfishing on dating sites. LL surely has many too, so beware!, But when I asked my SP for "Therapy" she was decent, honest, and acted genuinely caring (with her boundaries respected!). IMO SPs provide solace to a great many persons hurting bad, and desperate to feel loved through sex.

 

Is the OPs SP truly in need? Quite likely. Does she play the role to pump suckers? Quite likely, but maybe not. Real grief happens and can overwhelm anyone. In an industry where you have to PRETEND all the time, it must be really hard to be able to speak to someone with genuine trust, who provides genuine consolation. Isn't that why SPs often bond to each other?

 

But even if we are probably being played, and know it, some of us would rather help, even if we are pretty sure we are being played. WHY? In a world full of cruelty and deceit,acts of kindness proclaim our humanity, defending the  the virtue of caring for one another.

The Man of La Mancha knew his Dream was Impossible, and chose to pursue it anyway. That is nobiiity IMO.

 

MOST GUYS? Yeah, I know. I prefer being a softy, and chose to relate to a stranger with respect and honesty, even if they are acting out.  One poster said that Bad Boys do much better with the ladies IRL. Yes, I know. So be it. But the Bad Boys still have a hole in their heart. Mine is healing.

 

BTW, genuine co-dependency is not healthy. We have to love ourselves first. I am working the Twelve Steps of CoDA (CoDependents Anonymous) to get there. I am becoming far more the kind of man I genuinely respect, while learning to set my boundaries and walk away from the bottomless pits of neediness. My SP helped me Take care of my genuine need. A turning point. But it remains hard not going back for more.

From what I have observed in Lyla, most independent SP's manage to avoid getting sucked into dependency better than the rest of us. I am encouraged. But what to I really know?

 

Thanks, Skyler!

[Outdoorsman72 76]

I can say  this I have helped many Sp and mp financial and supportive with the end result always the same..

Broken promises

Never pays back

Ghosted to only show up for help again etc

And this fckn heart I wear on my sleeve is gonna break me someday...

And I did it again...helped a lady out with a fridge...not only did I purchase it...delivered it removed old one with an agreement we would spend evening together and she had an excuse once it was delivered...

Tell me all you SP ladies and MP ladies how does one continually do this and feel no shame at all...but yet I'm guilty also of never saying no...

So to the gentleman who started this post move on just another scam...many hobbiest tell me don't get caught up in there drama they all have it!

[Guest]

31 minutes ago, Outdoorsman72 said:

Tell me all you SP ladies and MP ladies how does one continually do this and feel no shame at all...but yet I'm guilty also of never saying no...

So to the gentleman who started this post move on just another scam...many hobbiest tell me don't get caught up in there drama they all have it!

    There no easy answers on when one should help or when to take some distance.

  But in my opinion, this has to be done outside the context of a client/provider business relationship. If one ask for free stuff or money, while the other expect favors in return, the possibility of a positive outcome are quite low.

   If the person has no time to explain their situation over a coffee, there no point in listening. You can point to the closest ressource center in the hope that person will seek the needed help. 

    Unless you really know someone, don't get too involved.

[fatboyNOTslim 66]

3 hours ago, Outdoorsman72 said:

Tell me all you SP ladies and MP ladies how does one continually do this and feel no shame at all...but yet I'm guilty also of never saying no...

 

It's called being a psychopath: lack of empathy, totally immoral, no regard for others, only in it for personal gain, etc. etc.  It's good to be a kind soul, but maybe find another outlet for it, like volunteering for a good cause. I'm not sure about other drugs, but I've seen cocaine turn relatively normal people into psychopathic demons who will screw over anybody and everybody in order to support their habit. Nothing matters to them anymore but the white powder. The spice.

[Allie Zeon 2925]

On 8/1/2022 at 6:53 PM, Lilbrownster said:

Heya everyone, I need a bit of advice.

Obviously for privacy, I won't mention who but a very nice lady I met at the start of this year has had a really tough time recently... A death of someone close, separated from her child, lost her apartment and in recent conversations with me, has mentioned wanting to die. She said she feels alone and that nobody is there to help her.

Since my day job is helping people, I offered to try to help her too (ie. at least help her come up with a plan to get back on her feet). She seemed really appreciative and open to it, but then she goes MIA every time I try to help her, only to come back 12-24 hours later saying things like she turns off her phone to forget about the world (or wishing everyone forgets her), or that she just sleeps all the time as an escape and that's why she wasn't responding.

I'm genuinely concerned for their wellbeing but it's not like I have their full name or address to even call the police for a wellness check. My work is pretty stressful, so adding the stress of worrying about this lady hasn't been great for my own mental health...

What should I do? I feel obligated to check in on her now, but am I overstepping boundaries? Or is it more of a risk to just leave her be (I don't want her to feel like nobody cares)? Or should I be leaving it and she can reach out if she actually wants help? Or is this person pulling one over on me and they're just seeking attention?

I only rarely see providers, maybe once every year or two so I've never been in this situation before... So I'd appreciate anyone's input!

 

TL/DR version: a lady who I saw once is going through a very rough patch, and I'm worried about her. I don't know if it's for attention or if she actually needs help.

Ah...that is very sweet of you.

What kind of help that she needs?

 I can lend her a hand if she needs to, assuming that she is a good person.

I live by myself in a big house and i have an empty guest room.

I hope she likes countryside living as well as animals because i am truly surrounded by dogs, cats and chicken:)

[Prufrock's Back 165]

On 8/22/2022 at 1:51 PM, fatboyNOTslim said:

 

It's called being a psychopath: lack of empathy, totally immoral, no regard for others, only in it for personal gain, etc. etc.  It's good to be a kind soul, but maybe find another outlet for it, like volunteering for a good cause. I'm not sure about other drugs, but I've seen cocaine turn relatively normal people into psychopathic demons who will screw over anybody and everybody in order to support their habit. Nothing matters to them anymore but the white powder. The spice.

psychopath seems a little over the top.  sociopath perhaps?