Disclosure to partner

[Mokejomes 50]

Been seeing escorts since I was in my early 20s, and now I'm 38. 
 

been with my partner for 7 years and been seeing escorts for 5. Always thought I was getting away with it , no harm, no foul. 
 

but out of the blue I started to have anxiety upon coming to the realization that I am a sex addict. And then the intense anxiety started . What have I done? What have I done? And then the guilt. I haven't partaken in any behaviours in almost 22 weeks, but the guilt isn't something that goes away 

I feel the only option I have is to disclose to my partner which is going to be devastating 
 

Anyone have any availability experience with this? 

[Guest]

Suggest reading this thread about the subject matter:

Telling your SO about this... - Lyla

[AVA MARIE 238]

Please forgive me in advance but if I don’t comment I won’t be able to sleep tonight. I’m just wondering why you’d want to drop a bomb like that on someone you’ve been with for 7+ years right before the holidays? So that YOU feel better? Haven’t you already spent YEARS doing so already? 7+?? I’m not trying to be rude BUT unless you’ve given her an infection/ disease, maybe just leave her out of it. Go seek help . Visiting a therapist first would be a healthier decision, there ARE ways to handle these types of situations. You can discuss it and then decide whether you’d like to rip her unsuspecting heart from the inside, or not. Best of luck.

[Mokejomes 50]

Thanks for your reply. I was recently diagnosed with adult ADHD and put on medication to help. Since that time the goggles have come off, and I am having severe anxiety, depression, and insomnia over my actions. I understand that adhd people don't really produce dopamine, so my behaviours make complete sense in hindsight. I cant think of a much bigger dopamine hit then a sex addiction. 
 

I have not given her a disease/infection. I am seeing a therapist, I just find myself constantly ruminating to the point where she knows something is up. I'm no longer "present". 
 

perhaps my anxiety is doing the thinking . Part of it is probably the addict in me just wanting to dump this information onto someone, so like you said, I can feel better. 

[Evie Rosewood 527]

1 hour ago, Mokejomes said:

Thanks for your reply. I was recently diagnosed with adult ADHD and put on medication to help. Since that time the goggles have come off, and I am having severe anxiety, depression, and insomnia over my actions. I understand that adhd people don't really produce dopamine, so my behaviours make complete sense in hindsight. I cant think of a much bigger dopamine hit then a sex addiction. 
 

I have not given her a disease/infection. I am seeing a therapist, I just find myself constantly ruminating to the point where she knows something is up. I'm no longer "present". 
 

perhaps my anxiety is doing the thinking . Part of it is probably the addict in me just wanting to dump this information onto someone, so like you said, I can feel better. 

ADHD meds definitely help with clarity and cutting back on dopamine seeking behaviours! If you aren’t living in line with your values, it makes sense youd be feeling really off about it. 
 

A common theme in recovery from any addiction is making amends *so long as they do not cause you or others harm*. Causing harm here also extends to people who are unknowing of the wrongs against them. Those wrongs really do become your cross to bear - if you feel guilt, let that become your driving force to do better in the future so *you can forgive yourself*. 
 

For clarity for others who may be reading this, I don’t judge anyones motives or morality for seeing SPs in any situation. Such things are highly individual and frankly - none of my business. If your behaviours don’t align with your values though and you’re internalizing the shame around that, it’s reasonable you’d want to make some changes. 🙂

[Mokejomes 50]

Thank you for your reply, Berlin. Appreciate the advice and the kind words. 
 

I have been on meds for 10 days now, and the clarity and clear thinking is amazing , but also devastating, when I came to realize that the behaviors I was engaging in were not aligned with my actual values. A medicated mokejomes would never act the way an ADHD riddled mokejomes would act. 
 

I have always been able to justify my actions, or at least rationalize them, and then press them into my subconscious, going on as if it never happened, and if it did, well it wasn't so bad. I was always super nice and respectful to SPs so my actions are okay. No harm no foul. It's a simple business transaction between two consenting adults. I just thank God that I had enough moral standards to walk out of situations where it was clear it was not a good situation and don't have that to feel terrible about as well. 
 

Again, not judging those who partake in the hobby. None of my business.

 

Having said that, this is an awfully heavy cross to bear, especially when I spend time with my partner and child, knowing deep down the actions I have taken part in, and the fact that I have completely betrayed my partner and family.  The guilt is just eating me alive, and I'm not sure where to turn. 
 

I have brought this up with my psychologist , and his advice was comparing it to child soldiers who have committed atrocities , and they're able to go on . What's done is done, just move on. All is forgiven. 

Which sounds great to hear, and for a little while I can have that play out in my mind, but eventually the thoughts come back and with them the guilt, and i think, no, she needs to know what I've done. She needs to have that choice of whether or not she wants to move forward, knowing the information. I can forgive myself all day, but that is not the forgiveness I seek, or need. 

Appreciate all your replies. They are helpful, but a hobby board is perhaps not the best place to lay out all of my guilt and shame, lol. 
 

Sorry for the long ramble, I am just devastated about potentially losing my family and have a lot on my mind. I also understand that guilt can play out this way - anxiety and OCD like thinking and this is likely what is happening. 
 

Cheers! 

[Mokejomes 50]

made a sizeable donation to the Avalon sexual assault centre.
 

Thanks again for your help. 
 

I have decided to hold off for now and work through this with a therapist first . It's still very fresh to me, so holding off is best. 

[Mikeyboy 27133]

I believe you are making the right decision holding off for now. As Berlin and Ava have both stated quite eloquently; unburdening yourself in this way is is going to be at the expense and pain of your S.O and your child. If you feel you need to make a change in your life, then do it. Seeing your therapist is a fantastic way to start. They can help you process your feelings and plan for your future. If you aren't happy with the advice they are giving you, then find a new one.

The take away is this: There is nothing any of us can ever do to change decisions we have made in the past. That sadly just isn't the way life works, no matter how much we would like it to be at times. We can however control the choices we make in both the present and the future. Those are the decisions you need to focus all of your energy on. That's where you can actually make a difference. That doesn't mean to simply forget the past, but to learn from it as best you can. Blowing up your life as well as the lives of your S.O. and your son simply won't change that past. It will likely just make it difficult to move on and do better in the future. Focus your energy on being present now and doing better for them. That's how you can make amends. 

 

[Mokejomes 50]

Thanks Mikey. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt my partner , or my child. That's why I feel so stuck between a rock and a hard place and why the pain is unbearable.  Live with this guilt and shame until it destroys me and the truth comes out anyways, or disclose and live with the consequences. I've read that a lot of marriages between a sex addict and a partner will heal, in time. It's pretty much all I've been reading about. And every CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) lives by disclosure and sometimes a polygraph test. I'm still on board with not disclosing anytime soon. 
 

I have been attending SAA meetings daily, but to be honest, I don't feel like I need to. I have absolutely no interest in acting out on compulsive sexual behaviours. But I still attend regardless. 
 

I now know that the saying is true , our secrets keep us sick. I've never experienced a guilty conscience before, but man, it just eats away at a person until there's nothing left but a shell. Hiding one's true self from my partner is like a cancer that has spread to my soul. The stress and anxiety is just crazy , pains in my neck and back. No appetite, can hardly focus on anything else but this, little to no patience for my kid, insomnia. 

I've tried every which way to rationalize and justify this to myself since the blinders have come off - from well, what I did unmedicated doesn't count, to spending countless hours on the "sexworker" subreddit talking to, and reading stories about the amount of married men who see escorts, almost trying to normalize it to myself in order to live at peace with it. Hasn't worked, the guilty conscience always creeps back in. 
 

My addiction has lived in the shadows all these years , and it can only live in the darkness, as soon as you shine a light on it, it's over. 
 

Even if I take this secret to the grave, and trust me, I desperately want to be able to do this , I feel morally wrong about it. I think my partner has the right to know. If she decides to leave me, then that is the bed I have to lay in. I've made it. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for it, one way or another. 
 

i know going forward I want to live honestly and have an honest relationship. If I have to spend the rest of my life rebuilding that trust, and loving her as much as she deserves to be loved , through actions, and not words, then I will happily oblige.  
 

The meds have worked almost too good, a clear head isn't the best thing to have when you have secrets that come with guilt and shame, secrets that remained hidden even from myself due to my disordered mind. I don't want to place all the blame on ADHD either, it feels like a complete cop out and frankly bullshit. It was ME who engaged in these behaviours. 
 

I'm hoping in time the anxiety and stuff begins to subside, like I said before, it's all still very fresh. 

[Mokejomes 50]

Sex addiction withdrawal symptoms can be physical, emotional, mental, or a combination of all three and may include:

• Feeling irritable and/or grumpy
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Insomnia
• Hyperactivity or hypersensitivity
• Anger
• Boredom
• Physical and/or emotional discomfort
• Mental and physical exhaustion
• Mood swings
• Having irrational thoughts
• Cravings for engaging in sexual activities
• Struggling to focus
• Feeling lonely
• Outbursts of overwhelming emotion

Makes sense, lol . 

[Mikeyboy 27133]

Sounds like you have a lot to think about and work through, and I hope your therapist is helpful with that. Only you can decide what is best for your own wellbeing as well as that of your family at the end of the day. I do feel you are right to hold off on any major decisions in this regard at this point though. As you said, it's all still very fresh. The thing about "self destruct buttons" is that they can't be unpushed. They often bring a lot of unintended collateral damage as well. 

One more word of advice if I may be so bold; Stop hanging around on boards like this. It won't help you to move forward. Your online time and habits are phytologically intertwined with the addiction. It isn't just the time you spend doing the thing. It's the life and habits you have built around it. 

I sincerely hope you find your way through this. Good luck with everything my friend.

[drlove 37204]

Personally, I wouldn’t tell an SO. I made that mistake once already, well actually twice! Lol. I once dated a girl who happened to be a former escort. I wasn’t aware of it at the start of the relationship, but she told me after a few months. 
 

I figured since we were being honest, I might as well come clean, too. Note that I only see escorts when I’m single, not when I’m dating someone. In any case, she just about hit the roof! She went on and on and on about it… how could I do such a thing etc etc.. Boy, talk about the pot calling the kettle black!!! 😂 Needless to say, that was pretty much the end for us. 
 

Another time, I told a close female friend about it with similar results. She didn’t talk  to me for about two weeks, and then acted as though nothing had happened. We never spoke of it again lol. Incidentally, we’re still friends 20 years later. 😊

[Guest]

20 minutes ago, drlove said:

Personally, I wouldn’t tell an SO. I made that mistake once already, well actually twice! Lol. I once dated a girl who happened to be a former escort. I wasn’t aware of it at the start of the relationship, but she told me after a few months. 
 

I figured since we were being honest, I might as well come clean, too. Note that I only see escorts when I’m single, not when I’m dating someone. In any case, she just about hit the roof! She went on and on and on about it… how could I do such a thing etc etc.. Boy, talk about the pot calling the kettle black!!! 😂 Needless to say, that was pretty much the end for us. 
 

Another time, I told a close female friend about it with similar results. She didn’t talk  to me for about two weeks, and then acted as though nothing had happened. We never spoke of it again lol. Incidentally, we’re still friends 20 years later. 😊

     As far I'm concerned, a relationship is a relationship.

   No matter if long-term, one night or "business", details are unnecessary. If some people want to say they met someone, nothing wrong in sharing that type of information (unless interferes with a current relationship).

    But the moment they start sharing more graphic or less suitable details, this is where it gets uncomfortable.

      Better to keep simple and minimal.

    

 

[Prince Clay 24]

Just keep it simple by always telling the truth. It's as liberating as the do-gooders always said: Truth sets us free, and it conquers all. Have a great day 

[crustychris69 72]

On 11/29/2022 at 10:54 PM, AVA MARIE said:

Please forgive me in advance but if I don’t comment I won’t be able to sleep tonight. I’m just wondering why you’d want to drop a bomb like that on someone you’ve been with for 7+ years right before the holidays? So that YOU feel better? Haven’t you already spent YEARS doing so already? 7+?? I’m not trying to be rude BUT unless you’ve given her an infection/ disease, maybe just leave her out of it. Go seek help . Visiting a therapist first would be a healthier decision, there ARE ways to handle these types of situations. You can discuss it and then decide whether you’d like to rip her unsuspecting heart from the inside, or not. Best of luck.

I couldn’t have said it better! 

[DominantStrings 8]

We're all humans and we all have our flaws, I know I don't have a magic answer, and I believe Ava Marie raised several great points...

But don't be too hard on yourself.

Sometimes in retrospect we become aware of behaviours that we may regret, but no one on this planet has a time-machine.

There's an old proverb I'd like to share:

A father and his son were walking through town one day when they saw 2 men at the side of a home climbing a ladder.

The father asked his son, "Who is higher on the ladder?"

The son glanced over, and one man was on the 11th rung, the other was on the 5th.

The son exclaimed, "Well, clearly the man on the 11th rung is higher on the ladder!"

The father retorted, "Look again, what directions are the men going?"

The son looked and saw that the man who was on the 11th rung was going down the ladder, whereas the man on the 5th rung was going up.

Moral of the story: It doesn't matter where we find ourselves on the ladder of a life, but rather the direction in which we are going.  Clearly you have recognized a pattern of your behaviour that is causing you grief, and while you can't go back in time to alter history - you can proceed forward in a more dignified manner!

Hope this gives you food for thought, and just go easy on yourself.  Sex is a very fundamental need for most people.

[David alex 0]

It's crucial to keep in mind that being in a relationship does not need you to disclose everything to your partner. Observe the following in any relationship: In any connection, including those with your spouse, partner, and family, you have the right to privacy.

[cjl private 4]

Its funny that all these forums are positive sex work but it becomes grey when one is in a relationship.  I want to guess that its a large majority of those seeking out professional companionship are in relationships and would be very interested on stats and discussions.  I completely understand the guilt complex that goes along with using companionship while in a relationship.  I am too new at it to give (or take) advice,  but thank you for sharing as its an important discussion.