Semantics, Perception and Respect

[mrrnice2 157005]

When I was an educator and telling kids about "life long learning', or when I was in workshops and seminars where I was on the receiving end of that message, never in my wildest dreams did I believe that one aspect of my life long learning would be in the area of sex workers and language development.

Slut. Whore. Prostitute. Queer.

Words.

The first time that I received a communication here from a lady who used some of those words to define herself, I was in a state of confusion.

"But she seems like such a nice person", I thought to myself.

I was rather quick to write back, questioning her on the choice of words, explaining that for me, they all came with negative connotations, thoughts and attitudes. Did she not demean herself by using them?

And thus, another aspect of my education had begun.

She was quick to respond, and took time to try to explain how those words are being 'reclaimed', and that she and others have adopted them again with pride.

I know that in the spring of this year was the first that I heard of slut walks in various cities around the country, and even at that time I wondered, but those events had already started me along the path of accepting that some women WERE redefining language, and doing it positively and emphatically.

Reality however cannot be ignored. Lifelong learning is a concept, but a life time of having LEARNED something is a very very difficult thing to overturn, or at least to overturn quickly. How many generations has it taken to achieve equality between races, and no, we are not there yet either.

I am trying desperately to reconcile. I know with certainty that my thinking has changed 100% in regards to a woman using those terms towards herself. I understand why, and I understand and respect them for doing so. And I think to myself, "Good for you. Be who and what you are."

We live in a society, and some of us have lived in it longer than others. I have a sense that many of the men here on CERB are 'older" while many of the women are a lot younger and therefore of a different generation.

Even with what I have learned to this point, I honestly in my heart would find it virtually impossible to refer to a woman as a slut. It is ingrained. It has been forever. And the curious thing is that no one ever specifically taught me that. It just seems that it was, and is, disrespectful for me, who likes to think of himself as a gentleman, a respectful person, to address someone with that language, and yes, there is even a 'tone' associated with it in my head. As I said, ingrained.

I have seen over and over here in various threads that women enjoy meeting with respectful, polite, gentlemen. Is there a contradiction there, or does the contradiction lie solely with me?

I cannot and should not presume to speak for a generation of men, but, I wonder if others are having difficulty 'unlearning'?

Respect for others is something that I believe all of us believe in and try to practice. The respect from others for being who you are and what you are and the language that you define yourself by requires a huge jump by perhaps many of us in that 'older generation'.

It is a curious phenomenon that right now, I DO respect the choices that people make in terms of language that they apply to themselves, to their choices of living openly as queer, or prostitutes. I respect the choices and I respect the women who choose that for their right to decide and be and act and define themselves as they wish. But yes, and there is a but here, education is key and that education will take more than simply becoming open with who your are and your semantics, or explaining it once. There is a generation such as myself, who have, who truly have the best of intentions to accept and respect the words/terms and language, but we have many years of indoctrination to overcome. It will take time to change the thinking and attitudes of a generation.

I am trying. I am there to a large degree. I am not yet ready to call you a slut. So, where am I in reality?

A lifelong learner I am.

[etasman2000 15994]

Words do have meaning and a force either taught or by cultural assimilation. For me, faggot is always a bundle of sticks and fag a cigarette. *shrug*

 

There is no need to call someone a slut or whore just because they reclaimed the word. As long as you understand the context in which it is used the words themselves would take the meaning the speaker intends.

 

Call the ladies in the polite manners in which you were taught.

[Alexandra-Sky 12606]

What a lovely post. I mist add though, in response to your comment about not being able to refer to a woman as a slut, that usually when words are reclaimed it's only appropriate for the group who has reclaimed them to use it to define themselves. And so, I think that many others would agree with me here that they would likely be offended if someone used the word slut to describe them unless they were a close friend of the person they are describing.

 

With love,

 

Sky

[etasman2000 15994]

And so, I think that many others would agree with me here that they would likely be offended if someone used the word slut to describe them unless they were a close friend of the person they are describing.

 

This is true today however parallel this with the word 'nigger'. Current lexicon has 'nigger' used by all races and not just Afro-Americans. A reclaimed word does and can take on a new meaning with the passage of time.

[mrrnice2 157005]

What a lovely post. I mist add though, in response to your comment about not being able to refer to a woman as a slut, that usually when words are reclaimed it's only appropriate for the group who has reclaimed them to use it to define themselves. And so, I think that many others would agree with me here that they would likely be offended if someone used the word slut to describe them unless they were a close friend of the person they are describing.

 

With love,

 

Sky

 

 

Thanks Sky. If I could figure how to add a comment I would have put this below your post.

 

How clear and obvious that is ( I am a slow life long learner:)....AND.....that makes me feel a lot better!

[SamanthaEvans 166766]

Context is SO important! Reclaiming words like "slut" is a way for us to reduce their derogatory power, their power to intimidate, shame, abuse and isolate people to whom the word is applied. I hope that, eventually, "slut" will have no meaning or power for teenage girls, for example.

 

Personally, I do not fit any conventional "slut" or "whore" stereotype. Honestly, some days I'm sure I would not look out of place pouring tea at the neighbourhood church's Strawberry Social. I dress conservatively. I behave well in public. I don't call attention to myself unless I decide I want to call attention to myself. This is a great cover. Dropping the cover at the right time can make a huge difference to the dynamics of an evening, however. For example, as the convivial dinner ends and we rise from the table, many times my evening's date has said something like, "Samantha, you are such a nice woman . . . ". He's earnest. He's a little dazzled, perhaps. He's not going to make any move that shatters the illusion. If I were unscrupulous, I could end the evening then and there and he would leave feeling that he had done the right thing, perhaps congratulating himself for not taking advantage of a real lady like me.

 

But I am a principled companion and only linger over dinner with men I truly like. I notice that I can always get things back on track if I give my date a warm hug and murmur in his ear something like, "Yes, I am a nice woman. Just don't forget that I'm also a whore . . . ".

 

:icon_cool:

[Boomer 33202]

I'm of a similar generation, and I personal don't have a need to learn to use these terms that I tend to find offensive. Whether, someone tries to reclaim them or not, they are just simply derogatory as I've grown up to understand.

 

The younger generation I know will develop a vocabulary that fits with the times, but some times I think it's for shock value. They're just being lazy and not respectful enough to find less shocking words to covey the meaning. It's all in the context that the terms are used.

[Nathalie L 112512]

I agree wholeheartedly with those who have claimed this to be a lovely post, it truly is! Kudos to you mrnice, for always bringing interesting topics to the forefront.

 

I'm definitely of the mind set that when certain words are use to label and categorize people, those words 'name' those people into existence (at least socially). Quite suddenly, there is a group of people that become targets of various institutional, social, and cultural attacks meant to make them less than human.

 

Slut, whore, queer, dyke, faggot (the list is endless)...

 

When we are named into existence with such violence, it is nearly impossible not to attach yourself to that identity in some way shape or form. It's therefore extremely important to reclaim and reappropriate those terms.

 

Like Sky said though (and many others) it's extremely important to take context into consideration and to realize these terms are often used amongst the group in particular, and not necessarily by people who don't understand the historical significance of the term.

[roamingguy 300292]

Context is SO important! Reclaiming words like "slut" is a way for us to reduce their derogatory power, their power to intimidate, shame, abuse and isolate people to whom the word is applied. I hope that, eventually, "slut" will have no meaning or power for teenage girls, for example.

 

Personally, I do not fit any conventional "slut" or "whore" stereotype. Honestly, some days I'm sure I would not look out of place pouring tea at the neighbourhood church's Strawberry Social. I dress conservatively. I behave well in public. I don't call attention to myself unless I decide I want to call attention to myself. This is a great cover. Dropping the cover at the right time can make a huge difference to the dynamics of an evening, however. For example, as the convivial dinner ends and we rise from the table, many times my evening's date has said something like, "Samantha, you are such a nice woman . . . ". He's earnest. He's a little dazzled, perhaps. He's not going to make any move that shatters the illusion. If I were unscrupulous, I could end the evening then and there and he would leave feeling that he had done the right thing, perhaps congratulating himself for not taking advantage of a real lady like me.

 

But I am a principled companion and only linger over dinner with men I truly like. I notice that I can always get things back on track if I give my date a warm hug and murmur in his ear something like, "Yes, I am a nice woman. Just don't forget that I'm also a whore . . . ".

 

:icon_cool:

 

Don't take this the wrong way Samantha, but you, as all other SP's, are ladies. Whether I know you from reading posts, or pm's or from encounters, each and every one of you are ladies to me

RG :-)

[Kyra.Graves 23779]

I mist add though, in response to your comment about not being able to refer to a woman as a slut, that usually when words are reclaimed it's only appropriate for the group who has reclaimed them to use it to define themselves. And so, I think that many others would agree with me here that they would likely be offended if someone used the word slut to describe them unless they were a close friend of the person they are describing.

 

With love,

 

Sky

 

I might be in the minority here but I disagree that when reclaiming a word it's still only appropriate in familiar circles, I think that goes against the idea of reclaiming a word because you are still giving the word it's negative power by restricting it's use and putting limits on it. I believe if you truly want to embrace a word and reclaim it you need to accept that others will use the word in a variety of contexts and ways and it's your responsibility to not give the word such power. If someone calls me a slut I can smile and agree with them; I can then examine the context and tone in which they used the term and respond appropriately, if I believe the term was used in a positive light I might expand on my "slutty ways" and extend the joke, story or however it was used, if however it was meant to degrade and insult then I will agree that I am a slut and explain why I think that's a good thing (strong and healthy sexuality, comfortable with my own body, informed and making informed decisions about my sexuality, etc. depending on their objection) and ask them why they find these things so offensive and would believe that would be an insulting term.

 

I don't believe that those trying to reclaim a word are doing a movement any favours when they tell people they limit the word use and definitions. I believe the most important part of fully reclaiming a word is accepting both the positive and negative definitions and uses and working to change the perceptions surrounding that word.

The LGBT community has shown how effective this can be, they have taken many words including Queer and made it mainstream, you cannot insult someone with a word that they as a community use as a descriptor. They didn't tell people they couldn't or shouldn't use the word instead they made it mainstream so that those who would normally be 'on the fence' those that would avoid the word because it might offend someone had to use it at some point. Queer was on posters, documents, community group handouts and even in the names, it was on tv (Queer as Folk) and found it's way into music and eventually popular culture - it didn't take long for the ladies around the office water cooler to start using the word queer and once they started using it then you could no longer insult someone by calling them a queer - the word had no power.

 

I'm not offended if someone calls me a slut, whore or any number of names but I am offended if someone is trying to degrade or insult me no matter what words they use.

[VedaSloan 119179]

I have to agree with Kyra on this one. It's all about context. If I know that someone is using those words to try to degrade me, I'll let them know why I don't find that word degrading--or why it shouldn't be considered degrading. If I know they're using the word positively, I go with it.

 

It's all about picking your battles.