My moral dilemma

[castle 38816]

As some of you may know early in the year I left the hobby for several months. I had gotten myself a girlfriend and decided to focus all my attentions to her. In reality it was an extra-marital affair. The whole story is pretty complicated (and long) but to really be able to give an informed opinion on my dilemma I feel you'll all need to know the whole story so here it goes. When I was about 19 I started dating this girl. It only lasted a few months but it was a very intense few months. I was never quite able to get her out of my mind. Still can't. Over the years we always remained friends. About a year or two after we broke up she began seeing someone who was mentally (and I suspect) physically abusive. It was a very unhealthy destructive relationship...she eventually broke up with him but he began stalking her and calling her house repeatedly (as in calling, waiting 5 seconds, and then calling again...for hours on end). She eventually had to put a restraining order on him to get him out of the picture.

 

The years went on, we always remained in touch, she eventually got married and had a son. Earlier this year it started to become apparent that we still had strong feelings for each other....so even though knowing her marital status..I decided to persue it. The plan of course was she was going to leave him for me...and I truly feel it was the truth...as he is one of those guys who would rather play on his ps3 than look after his son it was very rare that we would spend any time alone together. So of course when we did all we did was have sex. Even though we live in the same city, for all intents and purposes it was a long distance relationship. Before long she began to raise concerns that we did not have very much in common besides physical attraction and that she didn't really "know" me. I very much shared these concerns. If she left her husband and turned her life and her son's upside down for me and things between us didn't work out....well...then what. She eventually got over her reservations but I never really did. Once on a whim while out with her son she came by my place...we were in no way affectionate around the boy and just acted like friends. But even so after they left she asked her son to lie to his father about where they had been. That was the last straw for me....it became strikingly apparent to me that this whole situation was unhealthy...and that it was virtually impossible to build something healthy from that situation. I told her I felt we should stop seeing each other in a romantic capacity....and that if somewhere down the line she decided to leave her husband...not for me. But truly because she felt it was the best thing for herself and her son...then maybe we could try again to build something healthy...the right way. And if things didn't work out. Then no harm no foul.

 

Even though it was by no means a rejection of her personally...but more a rejection of the situation, she chose to see it as a rejection of her and became very hurt and angry...she still is, and for all intents and purposes not talking to me (the odd facebook comment here and there but that's it). Now I see through facebook that she's started up that exact same kind of affair with the abusive stalker guy from years ago. Obviously this bothers me, considering the type of guy I know him to be. I don't regret my decision...and I'm prepared for the notion of her seeing other people, or staying with her husband if she feels that's the right course...but not this guy. I feel I should express my concerns to her about what she's doing. But at the same time I'm afraid that considering how mad she is with me right now that if I say anything it just might make things worse...in her current state of mind she may proceed things with him even further along just out of spite. But I'm having a lot of trouble just doing nothing and letting her make a colossal mistake which could have severe ramifications for both her and her son...I'm having trouble standing by and not doing (or at least saying) anything. I know it's none of my business but in a way I feel it is as I can't help but feel that my actions put her here. And she is still someone I care for, and yet, still have feelings for. If I saw any other of my friends making the same kind of mistake I would make my opinion known...but there is the fear I have of making things worse in this particular situation.

 

So long story short....what do my fellow cerb-ians think I should do? Speak up or keep quiet and mind my business?

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[April Dawn 12207]

stay quiet its the best option if you in anyway care about her . Its not your business anymore, she's a big girl and will just resent anything you have to say.

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[Alexandra-Sky 12606]

I tend to think that it is irresponsible of people standing by and watching violent situations take place. While usually the focus of action in these situations relies on trying to convince the woman (who usually experiences the abuse) to 'see the light', we often forget that she is not the problem, he is. The right course of action is to call him out on his abusive behaviour. Of course, this becomes more complicated if you do not know the abuser, just the person who is facing the abuse.

 

To complicate matters, usually the woman does not want you to intervene in her abusive relationship, and she may have a lot of very valid reasons for this.

 

Do you know any of her friends who you can trust and talk to about this?

Do you know any of his friends who you can trust and talk to about this?

 

If so, those can be some ways that you can somehow intervene in the situation?

 

I guess if you answer those questions, i may be able to provide you with some more suggestions?

[castle 38816]

No. Unfortunately I don't really know any of her friends or family. And I'm not even positive that any actual physical violence occured while she was with him the first time. She's told me about his mental abuse and controlling nature. The only thing I ever witnessed first hand was the repeated calling and hang ups. But guys in their early twenties who get dumped are rarely rational. Everything I know about actual abuse is more just things she has told me. For these reasons if I were to speak up it would be to her and no one else...just in case she was full of it.

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[Alexandra-Sky 12606]

No. Unfortunately I don't really know any of her friends or family. And I'm not even positive that any actual physical violence occured while she was with him the first time. She's told me about his mental abuse and controlling nature. The only thing I ever witnessed first hand was the repeated calling and hang ups. But guys in their early twenties who get dumped are rarely rational. Everything I know about actual abuse is more just things she has told me. For these reasons if I were to speak up it would be to her and no one else...just in case she was full of it.

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Maybe sending her a message along the lines of :

 

'Hey, i remember you telling me some really awful things about this person and I am wondering if everything is ok with you. Is there anything I can do for you? Anything you need from me?'

[Kate von Katz 49953]

I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but the best advice I can give you comes from much experience:

 

She'll only hear what she wants to hear. And only when she's ready to hear it.

 

Which basically means that she's gotta come to her own realizations on her own time. It sucks to have to watch it happen, but there's truly nothing else you can do without really sticking your neck out there.

 

Be a good friend. Be there when/if she needs you to be. Support her unconditionally. Hopefully she'll wake up and see what an unhealthy relationship she is in. If not, it may be time to consider moving on because people who perpetually have bad relationship habits will almost always continue to in the future.

 

I wish there was something more I could offer, but the cold hard truth is always the best remedy.

[JuliasUndies 7288]

Crap!

I see you can't stand around and not do anything about it, so let's do something shall we? urr I mean you.

This is based on my own deep down mush-ies and what I would do!

It's Love, you are in love with her and she is in love with you, this is YEARS later and that spiritual deep down fondness is still there and is worth pursuing-again (to me). Sounds like she made a terrible mistake getting married to the wrong man, sounds like she is making poor choices right now about what sort of men she pursues and honestly sounds like you are a stand up guy that cares and wants to protect her, so do just that.

 

1. Find the guy in person explain to NEVER step another foot near her again.

2. Explain your love to her(in person) that it runs deep and who gives a crap what anyone has in common except each other, but nicely. :)

3. Urge her to tell her husband or to leave him with an open door to your home.

4.Just do it already or you would have never have taken the time to write about it! (And don't leave us hanging)

 

In the end, get her back, love her and save her. Do everything in your power to keep the relationship going and never loose faith in love and keep it strong, she may very well be your Soul Mate. Save her! Don't hold her poor judgements against her and judge her or think she will repeat the same with you because maybe her whole life, she's been waiting for you. We all make mistakes, but don't let this be your mistake of not doing anything, minding your own business while she is drowning. She needs you-go to her, tell her how it's going to be and reassure her you will love her more than anyone and you will sacrifice what you need to for love. Reassure her that you will care for her boy as you will her that she can count on you and no matter what the weather, you will be there.

In the event that things do span out, please go to counselling together, or church, a little help never hurts to get things sorted out.

You must both find out about this mysterious Love thingy. And even if it doesn't work, hopefully she will leave her husband and this abusive ass!

If you decide to stay friends, please help her leave her husband and pursue happiness and if you can afford to, she may need help financially.

Good luck Castle, now get to work..In the very end, it's not what we are, it's who we are. Cheers!

Don't take advice on this anyways, follow your heart Castle, sounds like you are hurting already standing back.

[castle 38816]

Thanks ladies! Still not sure what I'm going to do about it....if anything. But you've all given me much to think about. Gotta love this place! :)

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[Cleo Catra 178382]

stay quiet its the best option if you in anyway care about her . Its not your business anymore, she's a big girl and will just resent anything you have to say.

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Exactly what I was going to say. You have such a big heart. But unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about this. She will resent you, and not listen.

[castle 38816]

Exactly what I was going to say. You have such a big heart. But unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about this. She will resent you, and not listen.

 

Thanks for your input sweetheart! I value your opinion and always love to hear what you have to say <3 xoxo

[Guest f***2f***]

I'm tending to what Julia said. If you really care about this woman, and it's obvious you've kept a flame alive for her for years, maybe you should see if you can win her completely. She doesn't want to jump from a secure, albeit boring and inattentive, relationship, to an uncertainty. She's obviously discontent, maybe you could make it with her if you gave her a picture of how things would be with you as opposed to her present SO or the control freak she's rediscovered.

That and 1.60 will get you a Large Regular at Tim's.

[Surf_Nazis_Must_Die 8958]

Hey Castle,

 

I'm going to do my best to keep this post coherent (no promises, I'm not always the best with words).

 

When I read about your situation it made me think about how I could wind up in the exact same mess, I tend to want to help people... Which can often end badly for me.

 

I've waited a bit before posting, trying to line up all my thoughts and reasoning concerning this subject. In the end, I keep coming back to my initial gut reaction, I can't provide good arguments or reasons for it, sorry.

 

 

This whole situation is a god damn mess that you really don't have to be a part of. Good chance your involvement could make things worse and you'll get hurt. Fuckin' bail dude. For me, the GIANT red flag in all of this is the fact that she actually asked her child to lie to his own father who she's still married to! Who the fuck would put their kid in that kind of situation?

 

Sorry, I know i'm being a bit of a cold-hearted jerk, but as others before me in this thread mentioned, she is an adult and her own person. She's going to do whatever she feels is best for her, whether or not it's healthy, smart, or whatever. There's a good chance you'll just get caught in the emotional crossfire and end up so much worse for your trouble.

 

If you love something, set it free...

 

Yep, I totally just ended this with a crappy cliche, my apologies yet again

[JuliasUndies 7288]

It's true. this is a damn mess, now it's up to you to find out if she's worth it keeping in mind there are plenty of fish out there, is this one dame worth it. If so, commence plan get sexy back! xoxo

[Guest E*******h S******s]

Ok, this is something you are REALLY not going to want to hear.

 

I'm a big believer in watching past behaviour to figure out what future behaviour is going to be. You know these 3 things:

 

1. She will cheat on a spouse before she ends a relationship.

2. She will put herself in unhealthy situations to gain immediate gratification.

3. Not only will SHE lie to her child's father, she will encourage the child to do the same.

 

What you DON'T know:

 

1. What her spouse is really like because you are only going by what she says in order for her to justify her own actions. (always remember, there are 2 sides to every story and the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle)

2. Whether the ex was truly abusive (again, you don't know his side).

 

In my opinion, there are many red flags here. I think you want to believe this woman is someone she isn't because the sexual chemistry is so good. Your best bet is to not get involved.

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

As the saying goes.. No good deed goes unpunished. You and her really have no type of relationship anymore since you said she is mad at you and although you care, the fact of the matter is, it's not your place to say or do anything.

 

She has gotten herself into these situatons which are dysfunctional and destructive ( i.e. starting something up with an ex that was abusive) and unfortunately while you want to stop a train wreck, she will have to learn from her mistakes. Hopefully she will come to her senses soon for the sake of her son.

 

Go on with your life and do what's best for you. It's her life, not yours and you had the common sense to get out of a bad situation at the right time.

[SamanthaEvans 166766]

I agree with Ottawa Lindsay (and gave her a Nomination for it), and I also agree with Elizabeth and Nicolette.

 

Don't put your life on hold for this woman, Castle. She sounds a bit desperate, looking for a port in the storm or for someone to rescue her. She doesn't seem to be in any danger, though. She doesn't want to take responsibility for the situation she's in--a marriage that she may not be happy in plus an affair that may be abusive.

 

You can't help her. She has to help herself. If she wants out of her marriage, well and good. My advice to her would be to spend a year or two raising her son without being in a heavy relationship with anyone so that she can figure out what she really wants and needs in a relationship.

 

She also has no real idea of how her husband would react to her decision to end the marriage. Who gets custody of the child, for example? It could be messy and ugly!

 

What you can offer her is help to leave and move into a safe place of her own, NOT a relationship. She's going to be a different woman a year or so after she ends her marriage, believe me. The struggle to end that relationship and to be solo-parenting most of the time tends to change everyone who does it. Usually for the better, in my experience.

 

Be careful, Castle. You seem like a good guy.

[frenchbrute 1090]

Hey Castle,

 

From your story I get that the chemistry is their for you and must be intense to still be there for you after all these years. Something has to be said if it's still there for her to. I would tend to agree at leats somewhat with the idea that maybe not proding things too much as she might resent it. But in a guy's point of view, and from somebody who has had similar type situations happen to him with a few women, there fgures to be some hurt on a few people in this situation.

 

To agree with Julia, You don't know her husband's point of view or her ex's so she could be slightly embellishing stories or some could possibly not be accurate at all and strictly shared with the hopes of gaining your attention/support. Although it's rare, its has happened to me where I have believed right away what a lady has told me then when i confronted an ex his version ended up being closer to the truth and even more believable.

 

To agree with Surf, It's not cool or right at all that she chose to involve her child in her web of lies and suggest that he lie to his father. If she's willing to cheat on him with you, lie to him & evevn convince her child to lie to his father what has she lied to you about possibly?

 

You cannot however do nothing, you must tread lightly be she needs to know that yes you do care, but that she must make her own decisions and you must let her know that while you do have an interest, it must come with honesty, she must make the decision to leave or not & she cannot use you as a crutch. It's ok to tell her that you'll support her decision but that she must make one and stick with it & you'll see if she thinks your worth it or not to her to end affairs or marriages in order to see you. Because right now, she's hurting you, her husband and even her child. Although malice might not be the intent on her behalf, evevn indecision or "sitting on the fence" can hurt others as well. She needs to make a decision, but so do you. Good luck with your decisions.

[castle 38816]

I want to thank all of you for your input on either side of the fence. It gave me much to think about.

 

Many of you are right, that lying seems to be a habit of hers and the hard truth is I have to take everything she tells me with a grain of salt. This is something I've slowly been coming to realize for a while now. Even if I were to win her back....would I ever be able to fully trust her? This isn't new behavior for her. She's cheated on everyone she's every been with. Making myself sick worrying about this when in reality I truly don't believe there's anything I can do to change it is pointless. And I'm no longer even sure I should as everything I think I know about this guy may very well be BS.

 

And for my own health and well-being I need to put this behind me. I've been pretty candid here already, so I may as well share this too...I used to have a pretty serious drinking problem...a few years ago I quit. Close to 3 years now without a drop. I haven't even felt the need for a drink for about a year....been able to go out to bars with friends and not be tempted.....but these last few weeks have been a different story. The stress and frustration of this has been pushing me to that line I haven't crossed in years. If I keep obsessing and worrying about this then I will end up making my own mistakes. I can't let myself go down that path again.

 

So long story short I've decided to stay out of it...I need to figure out some subtle way of letting her know that I'll be there for her........as a friend......when the shit eventually hits the fan...but her mistakes are her own to make and learn from. I need to leave the past where it is....in the past... and start looking forward instead.

 

Every day is a new beginning, and I plan to look at this new day in just that way.

 

Thanks again everyone for your support and advice! I love this little community we've built ourselves here and don't know what I'd do without it! :)