guys - would you discuss your involvement in this community with your adult children?

[baileydog 9367]

a little while ago, in the "Would you or wouldn't you? Game" thread, I asked "would you ever (or have you ever) discussed your involvement in this community with your adult children - - - really a question for the guys"

 

the next relpy was "I have not but I am trying to decide the best way to do that." (by mrrnice2)

 

so, the question, gentlemen ... is have you, would you, did you ... what advice/experience can you share with the rest of us???

[Guest E*******h S******s]

I think the question you have to ask yourself first, is: What could can come from them knowing? In my case, nothing. It is none of my business who they sleep with, it's none of theirs who I sleep with.

[Kubrickfan 12836]

No.

 

Nuff said.

[mrrnice2 157005]

I am going to sit back and just digest any responses to this. A BIG decision.

[roamingguy 300292]

I have no kids (that I know of LOL)

But this is my private life, discretion is paramount, so the answer is no

 

RG

[Winnipegcub 21293]

Have not - nor do I see a circumstance in which I would.

[Jazzitup 5652]

No way would I do that. As adults they are capable of making their own decisions and for what ever reasons they have.

 

Neither do I try to influence their political choices.

 

They only people that I talk to about cerb and the hobby are the members and clients of the SPs.

[Andee 220524]

I have no kids (that I know of LOL)

But this is my private life, discretion is paramount, so the answer is no

 

RG

 

Does your cat know, RG - lol?

 

Ooops, just read the title and it's for the guys, but I'll comment anyways - I don't have kids either, but if one day my nieces/nephews asked me about it, depending on their age, I would certainly try and explain it to them as honestly as possible.

[Kubrickfan 12836]

I will add one thing and that's a question: under what circumstances would such a conversation actually occur ( other than a state of intoxication)?

 

I just can't think of any worldly reason to have a conversation like this.

[Chanel Reign 28097]

Its been my experience that a lot of the under 35 crowd are much more sexually free with their attitudes and "experiences". It seems to me that more men in that age bracket have been/are more willing to experiment and discuss said experiments with their friends. Which then brings mfm duos on occasion.

 

Being an SP, and yes the question isn't targeted at me; but I would see no sense in telling anyone it would hurt. I am not out as an SP, and prolly never will be.

[bcguy42 38594]

Can not see this coming up at dinner between Pass the potatoes and Salt please. but the system that evolved in our family is that I stay away from their sex lives and their money situation and they return the favour.

 

If asked point blank about it I would answer the question because I have also taught them honesty. But I would answer the question asked but not volunteer additional information.

[silverado17 12689]

i would never discuss this with anyone friends and family can be different at time

[Andee 220524]

i would never discuss this with anyone friends and family can be different at time

 

Since your two "girls" are Golden Retrievers, I think they could probably keep a secret. Treats anyone?

 

Back to the thread....

[moonshadow 369]

so, the question, gentlemen ... is have you, would you, did you ... what advice/experience can you share with the rest of us???

 

Are you crazy? The answer to your question is "No".

Posted via Mobile Device

[SamanthaEvans 166766]

In most circumstances, I can't imagine why someone would need to tell their adult children about their choice to spend time with a paid companion.

 

Many of the gentlemen here report having learned a great deal after they joined CERB. Their preconceptions about the women who choose to be paid companions usually fly out the window pretty quickly. Similarly, their notions about the kinds of men who employ our services are also challenged and changed. Men who are in all other areas of their lives thoughtful, sensitive, and open-minded are usually surprised about the hidden or sub-conscious prejudices and stereotypes they've held unknowingly or without sufficient reason or experience.

 

If it takes a potential client some time to align their experience, how much longer might it take his adult child, particularly if that child has no interest in being educated? Too many adult children are prone to considering their parents to be in their dotage, or verging on it! It's not that they imagine their parents to be unable to navigate the choices they face in their day-to-day lives. Rather, they're aware, as adults, how often everyone makes purely emotional choices and that most people can be manipulated to some degree when their personal needs or desires are part of the equation.

 

Beyond these matters, it seems to me--speaking as a parent--that ignorance about one's parent's sex life is part of the parent/child relationship, even into adulthood. My own teenage son sometimes tells me that I'm not a woman, I never was a girl, I'm his Mom. I don't have sex, never did and won't want it in the future. In other words: he doesn't want to deal with his Mom as a woman with needs and desires outside of his because that's one of the privileges of childhood. Moms are Moms, period. Older children usually think that it's just plain icky to imagine that their parents have sex, particularly now that the parents are, say, over 40! :icon_lol:

 

As a single parent, my agreement with my kids has been that they didn't need to have any significant involvement with anyone I might date unless or until that man were to become a major part of my life. They knew I dated and, this way, they didn't have to deal with anything more than that.

 

As a paid companion--even if I'm your favourite companion, even if you see me weekly or monthly for years--my expectation is that this is a very private involvement, not a relationship that either of us will need to deal with in broader terms. Even if you are a well-known or public figure, this confidentiality is sacrosanct. I accept that this kind of secrecy can be a burden, sometimes, but I also consider it to be part of the price that each of us pays to have the relationship.

 

If a companion and client were to decide to end the transactional aspect of their involvement and become a real-life couple, that's great. I still can't imagine why their children would have any need to know how the connection between them really got started.

[Boomer 33202]

Wow, I like another poster to this thread am a widower. After about a year in deference to their feeling, I initiated a conversation with the kids concerning my decision to start seeing other women. I think they're both aware that I step out on occasion, definitely my son is because he and I get together more often and share a few brewskies and some fairly candid conversations. Also they've probably seen the viagra on the night stand.

 

With him I don't discuss the details, and to be honest would not encourage him to participate in a community like this, although he may have happened upon it when using my computer. Simply I hope he meets a nice girl and has what the majority would consider normal, a good marriage and kids, because once one crosses the threshold and enters it's hard to go back.

[SamanthaEvans 166766]

I've got to say one more thing.

 

Children just about always seen a parent's involvement with a new partner as a commentary on the other parent, whether the two are divorced or one of them has died. And children have oddly romantic notions about their parents' relationship, even if they've seen it be destructive or violent. Children want to believe--very fervently, they want to believe--that their father and mother were, at least at some time if not always, deeply in love with each other and that no other partner could ever take the place of the one who is gone.

 

Of course, divorced and widowed parents can date and otherwise make new lives for themselves. Of course people are not replaceable. Families can adjust to death, divorce and new life.

 

It will be a lot harder, perhaps impossible, though, if the children are having to cope with Dad's involvement with paid companions. Maybe they'll think something like this: "I never knew that Mom had turned him sour on women, but after the divorce, Dad was so hurt that he turned to hookers." Or maybe it will be more like, "Mom, she was so great, such a fine wife, and the best mother, ever. How can Dad dishonour her memory by throwing his money away on prostitutes?"

 

Don't go there!

[roamingguy 300292]

For me, one reason, besides discretion, that I don't disclose to family/friends

is I would get responses to the effect " why are you seeing prostitutes. I know this nice single girl, just perfect for you, why don't I fix you up"

Myself, I've done the dating thing, including more than a few blind dates,

and two g/f's that I really was serious about, but to be polite, it didn't pan out.

Now I enjoy the no strings attached companionship from seeing ladies.

Is it real, well I look at it as real for the 2-3 hours we are together. I don't expect anything beyond that, nor should a lady expect anything more beyond that either. Under the heading never say never if something clicks, a chemistry develops and the both of you are developing more than a sp/client relationship, well if and when that bridge gets crossed...and part of crossing the bridge is introducing the lady to family/friends, I'll deal with it

But for now, this lifestyle is for me, a pleasant once a month indulgence. It's not for family and friends to comment on, and likely to try to tear apart

RG

[mrrnice2 157005]

Although this thread was not started by me, it was initiated as a result of a comment that I had made elsewhere. To this point I have been merely reading and digesting the thoughts and opinions expressed by others, and it does seem as if there is a consensus developing.

I am going to present a dissenting opinion, dissenting in the sense of a viewpoint that takes into consideration some very personal aspects of my situation.

Every person involved with CERB has their own very personal reasons for doing so and everyone's situations are different. What I would like to express is going to cause some to think that I am living in a fairytale world and to others it will probably just appear as being corny or too much.

I am widowed with three adult children. I have always been close with my girls, but until recently never in the way that they were with their mother. They were like four best friends rather than a mother and 3 daughters. Since my wife passed away I have become closer with my kids than at any time ever in our lives.

They have introduced me to the world of texting and there are constant little messages back and forth, and yes, they are watching out for me and watching over me. It is pretty touching actually, but as it relates to CERB, rather inconvenient. None of them live with me or even close by.

For me to visit an SP normally requires a minimum of a four hour trip each way that often results in an overnight. My kids know that I am not home, and I lie to them. I HATE that. I hate making up stories, I hate even lying by omission.

So with certainty, my first reason for wanting them to know that I am seeing SP's is 100% selfish, it will make me feel better.

My biggest concern is that I also know that initially they will look at this as a betrayal of their mother, by me. THAT is why I am thinking long and hard about this and have to ask myself if it is worth it.

My kids are smart. It won't take too many "mystery" disappearances before they will be talking amongst themselves. They probably already are doing so. Yes, I am parent, and the idea of a parent being sexual may not be their preferred image, but they saw the intimacy their mother and I had and they know that it extended to the bedroom. They have to be wondering how I am coping with that aspect of my loss already.

My kids are smart. With proper preparation on my part, and yes, with time, I am confident that they would be OK with this. A bottom line for me is that I am not looking for or interested in a girlfriend, or a relationship, or a wife. I had my soulmate and I know it as do they.

Several SP's have recommended a book to me entitled The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy as a means of further educating myself but also as a resource for my kids. I have only recently started to read it, and I shall consider that information as well. A whole new paradigm for sure.

Am I going to do this tomorrow or next week. No. Am I going to think long and hard? Yes. Have I decided what is best for them? No. And ultimately, what I think is best for them is where I shall go. It may well turn out to be that the 'unspoken secret' that they will figure out all by themselves is best for all. I really do not know what I shall decide.

I have received a few PM's from CERB members when they saw this thread, wondering what good could come of it, and just cautioning me to think about it. It is those sort of little PM's that have made this community a special place for me.

This sounds corny, but is very real. I want to be open and honest. I trust my kids and that they will accept what is best for me . I do not want to lie.

I am not ashamed of meeting such amazing women as those that I have met. Every time I lie to my children I am in my own way putting the SP's that I have met into that stereotypical nether land of being people to be ashamed of. You don't deserve that from me.

Thinking, thinking, thinking. Learning, learning, learning. Thank you Cerb.

[SamanthaEvans 166766]

Oops! I was going to make a comment and then nominate your post, mrrnice2, but I did them in the wrong order and can't comment now.

 

I want to thank you for your candor. Even in an "anonymous" place like this board, it's a risky thing to be so open and transparent about one's thougths. I value your honesty and your trust.

 

I know you will do what's best for you and your family, whatever that may be, whenever you make your decision.

[Alexandra-Sky 12606]

Although I don't have kids, I can sort of respond to this thread by relating to the thoughts I have about telling my parents about my work.

 

I acknowledge that I'm in a relatively privileged position on this, meaning that if I decided to tell my folks about my work, I would be risking things that wouldn't necessarily affect my ability to survive (i.e. I'm completely financially independent etc) and therefore I have little to lose if I told them and they reacted negatively. I mean sure, they can stop talking to me for a bit, but if that did happen, it wouldn't last forever.

 

I think for people who can and want to, telling other people that they sex work/hobby can be a very powerful thing. Given that almost everyone knows a sex worker or hobbyist (often times, unknowingly), putting a face (especially a face of someone you know) to a hobbyist/sex worker can slowly start to humanize people involved in this industry.

 

I think it would send a powerful message to my parents when they know that their scholarship-student-activist-independant daughter is sex working. Sure this might not happen right away, but eventually I think it'd help them get rid of some of the myths and misconceptions out there about sex work/hobbyists.

 

Having said that, I think it's everyone's choice to disclose or not disclose their involvement in this industry and I totally respect everyone's decision regarding this matter!

 

With love,

 

Sky

[Kubrickfan 12836]

mrnice -- If you do go ahead and decide to say something to them, I'm sure we would be interested to hear how it goes.

 

Maybe your kids are really understanding, but I suspect you are going to end up on the defensive trying to justify your activities either directly or by virtue of them assuming some of the stereotypes that people tend to have. You have certainly earned the right at your age to do what you want, particularly given your situation.

 

Or maybe you are just looking for someone to whom you are close to talk to face to face about your hobbying activities and your kids seem to be the right ones? I would just be very cautious not to assume the conversation is going to perfectly and happily.

 

Best wishes in any case.

[Nathalie L 112512]

Although I don't have kids, I can sort of respond to this thread by relating to the thoughts I have about telling my parents about my work.

 

Sky, I completely agree with what you've written. Although it's everyone's personal choice to disclose their involvement in this industry, it can have a very power humanizing effect. It's a very similar strategy that queer people took a few decades ago. "Come out of the closet and into the streets" they chanted, because we all know someone that's queer, just like we all know someone who is a part of this industry.

 

I told my father I was a sex worker approximately 2-3 months ago. Throughout my life, I've let him 'know me' in all of my facets, and have had nothing but unconditional love as a response. "Why should this be different?" I wondered. To my delight, it wasn't any different. My father's response was two-fold.

 

"I'm surprised you didn't start earlier" he said in a non-judgmental way. I obviously laughed at this response.

 

Secondly, after reassuring him about screening mechanisms, and how the industry functions on a day-to-day basis, he said "I trust you to be safe, you don't need to reassure me about how you're enabling that".

 

It was surreal to have my father trust me to be safe. Rather than be paternalistic, assume to know what's in my best interest, and judge the choices I've made in my life, he just took my declaration at face value and loved me for all of who I am.

 

I think we can all benefit form disclosing our status (as either hobbyist or sex worker) to our loved ones if we are in a position to do so (not everyone is, as Sky mentioned). My relationship with my father is that much more authentic now, he knows all of me, and loves me.

[spud271 47779]

Actually, my son is well aware that I am involved in the hobby and have been for a very long time. Of all things that piss him off about me, that's the one that doesn't bother him in the least bit. He admitted to me that he also enjoys the hobby after a visit to Amsterdam. As far as telling people, it really doesn't bother me. Just because one likes to hobby, does not make one a bad person. I hate sterotypes that come along with being involved with this, though it does tend to be more of an issue on this continent. It is considered to be very normal in most of the world and not something to be ashamed about.

[roamingguy 300292]

I hope one day seeing ladies becomes as mainstream as using dating sites

And it wasn't all that long ago that you wouldn't mention seeing someone through a dating site. So maybe seeing ladies will become more accepted, or maybe I'm just a cock-eyed optimist, who knows

If and when you do broach the subject with your kids, the only thing to keep in mind, once the subject is broached, it's out there. Much like the horses and proverbial barn door. So be sure it's the right time

Whatever happens, good luck

RG