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The impending ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!

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How to survive a zombie apocalypse

 

Halloween is just around the corner: Prime time for an outbreak. Are you ready? Here's what you'll need to assemble your apocalyptic go-bag.

 

The Centers for Disease Control has actually gone to the trouble of posting its own guide to battling the undead. So shouldn't you take at least a few precautions?

 

The government's tongue-in-cheek communique includes a go-bag of practical products for surviving a zombie apocalypse, such as a utility knife, duct tape, a battery-powered radio and a first aid kit.

 

There are also plenty of wish lists on Amazon.com to guide you. It's hard to tell whether these shoppers are serious or just getting ready for Halloween and next week's return of the AMC series "The Walking Dead."

 

But if you want to be safe instead of sorry, here's what you need to avoid becoming lunch of the living dead.

 

Ghost 400 crossbow

 

barnett-crossbows2.jpg

Price: $599.99 from Barnett Crossbows

 

Practical use: Zombie slaying

 

Pro: Reusable ammo

 

Con: It's not a gun

 

The only way to kill a zombie is to shoot it through the brain or burn it. Guns and flamethrowers are unavailable on Amazon, so you'll have to settle for a crossbow.

 

The Barnett Ghost 400 "is fully capable of taking down large game, small game, and yes, even zombies," said Barnett spokesman Major Person. "Head shots are a must for killing zombies and the Barnett is the most accurate crossbow on the market. Shoot to kill."

 

Husqvarna chainsaw

husqvarna-chainsaw3.jpg

 

Price: $349 from Husqvara

 

Practical use: Lop limbs off zombies

 

Pro: Delivers massive trauma

 

Con: High potential for collateral damage

 

Meet the chainsaw, the star of every hillbilly horrorshow. One list author on Amazon described the Husqvara as "perfect if you're stuck in a corner" with the living dead.

 

A chainsaw was spectacularly effective at dismembering undead Nazis in the 2009 film "Dead Snow." But don't try to saw zombies from a moving vehicle. You can accidentally bisect your friends, as shown in the 2004 remake of the cult classic "Dawn of the Dead."

 

Orchid samurai sword

orchid-katana.jpg

 

Price: $1,599 from CAS Hanwei

 

Practical use: Zombie decapitation

 

Pro: The sheer awesomeness of owning a katana

 

Con: Explaining to your wife that you bought a katana

 

"A katana needs to be at the top of anyone's zombie survival kit if they're hoping for any kind of long term survival," said Blake Pogue, spokeswoman for CAS Hanwei, maker of this folded steel Orchid katana. "I mean, who is going to be making bullets after the apocalypse? I'd go for a no-frills decapitation when dispatching the zombie horde."

 

Decapitation wouldn't kill the zombie -- a brain shot is required for that -- but it does allow for escape.

 

Anti-riot helmet

helmet.jpg

 

Price: $61.99 from Rothco

 

Practical use: Protection against brain-eating zombies

 

Pro: Visor deflects airborne fluids from the undead

 

Con: Windshield wipers not included

 

"Since zombies are well known for their appetite for eating brains, the high impact plastic construction should prove helpful in keeping one's mind intact in such an emergency," said Rothco sales director John Ottaviano.

 

Also, the visor will protect you from flying zombie fluids so you won't get infected. "The last thing you want is to smash a zombie in the face and have the blood spray hit you in the eye or mouth," said one Amazon lister.

 

Anti-riot armor

riot-gear-georgia2.gi.jpg

 

Price: $545.95 from Damascus Protective Gear

 

Practical use: Protection against zombie bites

 

Pro: Protection against zombie bites (that's worth mentioning twice)

 

Con: Unsuitable attire for beach lounging

 

Bite me. That's what you can tell the zombies after you don this tooth-breaking FX1 FlexForce modular hard-shell, full-body crowd control armor.

 

An armored human "can get mauled by a zombie and still be a survivor," said one Amazon list-writer. Bite prevention is essential, according to the Centers for Disease Control, which says "zombies are often depicted as being created by an infectious virus, which is passed on via bites and contact with bodily fluids."

 

Skull-faced mask

skull-mask2.gi.jpg

Price: $24.30 from ZANheadgear

 

Practical use: None

 

Pro: Looks cool

 

Con: Unsuitable attire for a blind date

 

It's not just about protection; it's also about aesthetics, which brings us to the neoprene skull-faced mask. "If you're going to kill zombies, look awesome while you're doing it," said an Amazon list author.

 

Skull-faced ski masks are also worn by U.S. soldiers and Marines in Afghanistan. So if it's good enough for them, it's good enough for you and the zombies. Remember, you're dressing for the apocalypse, not the prom.

 

Night vision goggles

 

atn-nightvision-goggles2.jpg

Price: $8,299

 

Practical use: See the undead in the dark

 

Pro: The price won't matter in a zombie apocalypse

 

Con: It costs $8,299

 

In Richard Matheson's 1954 novel, "I Am Legend," the original inspiration for the zombie-apocalypse genre, vampires stalk the last human survivor in plague-ridden Los Angeles. To deal with nocturnal vampires, you'll need this PS15-4 GEN night vision goggle system from American Technologies Network.

 

The goggles have yet to be tested for "zombie detection," according to ATN spokesman Chris Shugart. But why not splurge?

 

"Maybe you can't afford these on your usual budget," wrote an Amazon lister. " But you can drive yourself into debt because the banks will be overrun with zombies soon anyways."

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O-kay....

 

That's quite a list!

 

I do have one little quibble, though. The CDC is recommending battery-powered radios. That's obviously not a good idea. Batteries die. With no time or place to re-charge, and the unlikelihood that there will be batteries available anywhere, it's unwise to count on this for more than a few hours. A hand-cranked radio, however, is a wise investment.

 

KC526s01_01.jpg

KC526s01_02.jpg

 

The model above is available from Lee Valley Tools for just $29.50--a modest price, considering the source! Not only is this hand-crankable, but it's also solar-powered in case the apocalypse hasn't blocked out the sun where you are. Additional features, including an ear jack and USB port, may not offer much protection from zombies, but will lend a certain panache while scanning the airwaves for emergency reports.

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I think we could harvest a few of the slow-moving critters and use 'em in carnival attractions. They would make natural clowns without much makeup (see earlier thread on Clowns) or incorporate them as ride attractions (use your imaginations).

 

They might also make attractive static displays:

Lamposts

Stop signs

Mimes (ok, not so static, but dress 'em up in striped shirts and they would be hilarious)

Wall-mart greeters

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everyone the zombies are here!!! I just saw a couple of them in my parking lot !!! Omg!!!omg!!!

 

...wait...

false alarm..sorry, just was my neighbors/ unless..can the new and improved faster zombies drive cars? If so they are unrecognizable!!!!!

If so, how can we differentiate from the normal vapid blank faced expressions of most of the population here in suburbia, do the new and improved zombies jog also???

I do believe this may be a new kind of half breeds on our hands, chasing paychecks instead of brains...for now! Brace yourselves, govern yourselves accordingly!!!!

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It was great in Regina yesterday there was a zombie walk! It was so cute seeing zombie families and even little baby zombies!

Posted via Mobile Device

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... is living in the right place.

 

Fortunately, there are folks who have that covered

 

wtf-photos-videos-a-smart-property-manager.jpg

 

What, no moat or gun turrets?

 

Does the fence have razor wire?

 

Doesn't sound too secure to me.

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Guest W***ledi*Time

Fleshlight has a line of "Freak" sleeves and dildos; Vampire, Frankenstein, Cyborg ... and Zombie:

 

zombie.jpg

 

The Vampire is cuter, though:

 

drac.jpg

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Fleshlight has a line of "Freak" sleeves and dildos; Vampire, Frankenstein, Cyborg ... and Zombie:

 

zombie.jpg

 

The Vampire is cuter, though:

 

drac.jpg

 

I got a dildo call Edward...It's call the Vamp dildo...it sparkle and if you put it in the freezer for 5 minutes it's cold for 2 hours:D

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I got a dildo call Edward...It's call the Vamp dildo...it sparkle and if you put it in the freezer for 5 minutes it's cold for 2 hours:D

 

Excuse me, but who would want a cold dildo in them? Eeek....

 

Additional Comments:

Halloween is fast approaching. Will you be able to spot the real zombies from those in costumes who want to blend in undetected from the real ones, but then are prey to heavy zombie-bashing artillery.

 

 

 

comic-con-day-1-zombie-babes-costumes-and-nerd-prom_3663025_87.jpg

Edited by Mature Angela

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A defence mechanism... what self conscious zombie would attack you and attempt to eat your brains if they knew they had to get through this to get at your melon???

 

poop_helmet.jpg

 

Want good vision and an elevated firing platform while driving around hunting for Zombies? Look to none other than Mercedes Benz and the Roman Catholic Church.... the Popemobile would be the ideal vehicle of revenge!

 

popemobilmai2007.jpg

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A defence mechanism... what self conscious zombie would attack you and attempt to eat your brains if they knew they had to get through this to get at your melon???

 

poop_helmet.jpg

 

 

What if they think is't chocolate ice cream covered brains, all it needs is a cherry on top!

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