The Deficient Single Person

[spud271 47779]

Things I have learned in my life:

 

1. To be capable of loving, you MUST love yourself.

 

2. If you think you need someone else to "complete" you, you are selling yourself short.

 

3. Many of the friends you had as a young person will not be the friends that you have later on in life. As circumstances change, so does your group of friends. It's just a fact of life.

 

4. You only have one shot at life. LIVE it. Lamenting what could have been, what would have been or what should have been will only cause unneeded pain.

 

5. Love can and will be fleeting. Those who are able to capture it forever are truly blessed. You can't force it, trap it or tame it. It pounces upon you unexpectedly, and can leave with equal speed. Embrace it while you can.

 

6. Be comfortable being you.

 

7. You may have people that rely upon you, but the greatest reliance you must heed is to yourself.

 

8. Fill your life with joy and laughter. It comes from within.

 

9. KNOW who you are and what you need.

 

 

To be cliche, the grass is NOT always greener in the other guy's backyard. You should print your thoughts today, and look back at them 10 years from now; then you can show them to your divorced buddies. Food for thought.

 

As always, extremely wise words Old Dog! :D

[thedriver 6179]

Well I can relate to Danielle17 and to many others who have posted on this thread. I am in my late 40's and have been single for a number of years now. I also have been in a few LTR, one of 8 years and a few more of 2 years. As I have gotten older I have found it harder to share with someone else both of myself and of my time. Also I have become unwilling to compromise my values, my time, my needs and my way of life so that I was not alone or more accuratly to fit into social norms.

I can relate to the stories of weddings and dinner parties where you are one of the only single people there. The constant question from family, friends and co-workers about why I am still single. Thier common answer being that I am too fussy. And the pain they cause when they constantly try to find fault in you as a reason for not attracting a partner. I know it is not done in malice but it has gotten to the point where I have refused invitations just to avoid being the only single person there.

 

The big advantages of being single for me are: Living where I want to live. ie; 10 minutes from work to avoid major headaches.

Vacation when and where I want. ie; I never plan things ahead of time and never make reservations. The best adventures happen when you turn right instead of left!

Not having someone else planning my weekends for me. I can wake-up and decide what I want to do.

I am always, almost always available for last minute invites. Friends send out e-mails a month in advance trying to pick a date and time that everyone can make it to boys night and other then work reasons I am available at any time.

I no longer feel the preasure to be more then who I am, something that happened in past relationships.

 

There are things I miss about sharing my life with someone special but I would rather be single then be with the wrong person.

 

Just my 2cents.

[futileresistenz 28253]

A great forum thread, Daniel17. I hope to contribute more on this later, but I wanted to share this ca. 20 minute documentary that aired on CBC's The Current on Christmas Eve, 2010 that offers up some eye-opening statistics, dispels the myriad of myths about being single - by choice or accident -, and shares the stories of people living the lifestyle by conscious design.

 

Having been single for long periods of my life and now approaching 50, I found this program to be very thought-provoking and validating. A great listen!

 

Single File

 

If the link above doesn't work, just scroll down to Dec. 24, 2010 on this page to find the podcast.

 

http://www.cbc.ca/thecurrent/episode/

[Alexandra-Sky 12606]

There is a long history that shows that society is invested in the 'reproducing of the economy' and so essentially, by staying singleyou are defying what the power structures are working for.

Good post!

 

 

This post is just about my thoughts on a subject, it's just my opinion, I'm not saying it is right, I'm not saying it is wrong, it just my views.

 

First a little bit about myself, I'm in my mid-twenties. I've been in short relationships, long relationships (longest 3 years), but for pretty much this past year, I've been single. Dated a few girls, but nothing really that I would consider a serious "relationship".

 

Something I have noticed though is especially in August aka "Wedding Season" is that a lot of what used to be my core friends are all getting married or are in pretty serious relationships. I've noticed that myself and my other "single" friends have slowly been indirectly pushed out of our social circles. Now, it's not that our "couple friends" are assholes or anything like that, they are great awesome people, it's just that "couples" hang out with "couples". While single people are slowly pushed to the curb. Mind you, this is just my opinion, it may not be the case all the time.

 

So what is a single person to do? They are suppose to get back into a relationship. Society programs us to find someone else whether it be the bar, dating websites, the grocery store, or whatever else. And too, even if you find someone, you will always have that dreaded shadow behind you of past relationships. The public seems to think that just because a past relationship ENDS it equals FAILURE. How is that even fair? How is that even correct?

 

Singleness is treated like a disease, like it needs to be fixed. It's treated like a state that one surely needs to change as quickly as possible, and a change we should all strive for. If you are single, friends view you as miserable, something is wrong you, and that they need to make sure you are going to make it. Western society drives the thought into children at a young age thru the media & even sometimes in real life, that a person should always be striving for romance or sexual desire. Being single does not represent success and happiness.

 

The stigma of singleness needs to be removed. The devaluation of it needs to come to a halt. For example, what if in Ottawa, happiness didn't equal getting married, moving away from downtown, and moving into a house in Kanata or Orleans, then starting a family.

 

Another example would be what if little girls weren't driven by society to organize their life around a heterosexual relationship as the focal point, then put other things like friends, a career, living arrangements etc. around that relationship wherever it may fit.

 

What really is wrong with living with roommates? What really is wrong with living members of the opposite sex without dating? What really is wrong with living alone? This not only allows us to experience different social living structures but also allows us to escape the linear line that Western culture tries to cultivate upon us.

 

Life doesn't need to be centered around sex or a relationship. Happiness can be found in numerous other bits & bytes in your life. Just because single people don't centralize their life around sex or a relationship, does not mean they are deficient.

 

There's nothing deficient about being single, and pursuing the kind of life you want. If we as a society just expand our idea on what lives are acceptable, whether you are a middle aged male, divorced, single young lady with career aspirations, gay, lesbian, poly, or even straight married people living in Kanata/Orleans, basically ALL kinds of people, I just think we would be a lot better served.

[ostirch 1668]

Even in a relationship, you can feel very alone. I try to follow this bit of advice, single or in a relationship

 

[scribbles 6031]

Who knew I was such an anti-establishment revolutionary? I just thought I was colder in bed at night.

 

;)

[Daniel17 3616]

Thanks everyone for the kind comments. I had a pretty shitty day at work today and reading all these comments just reminded me how great of a community it is here.

 

You guys are all pretty awesome, just incase you didn't know. You're all like freshly baked cookies, you guys cheer me up and make me feel all warm & fuzzy inside.

[capitalman 3861]

Perhaps there is a mastermind behind it all.

[loopie 15358]

I went through this too when I was in my mid-twenties. I found a lot of my friends' mentality just switched as soon as they became married couples. They instantly became destructively possessive of each other. A lot of my male friends' wives would stop them from ever hanging out with single guys. I think the idea was that us single guys would encourage bad behaviour or make them long for their bachelor days. In my case that's pretty ridiculous because it's not like I'm some party animal who constantly goes on crazy strip club benders or something. I just go to the movies and go for bike rides 'n stuff. And a lot of my female friends' husbands didn't like some dude hanging around their wife because they think he's trying to get in her pants. My best friend is a woman and she lies to her husband when she goes for a pint with me. It's so silly.

 

At work and with my friends, I constantly get people trying to diagnose what's "wrong" with me because I'm still single. Sometimes it's with a flattering tone, as if to say they think I'm a "good catch", but other times it's with this tone that they're almost suspiscious that I have something deeply wrong with me and it's insulting. If I met a great woman with whom I had a good rapport, common interests, goals, and outlook, I would have no trouble committing to her, but I'm not going to settle for a bad relationship.

[futileresistenz 28253]

I thought I'd make board members (and guests) a recommendation of a very relevant documentary film to this thread that is airing tonight.

 

TVO, in its current Doc Studio series, is paying tribute to the work of documentary film-maker Alan Zweig. For those with a PVR (or the willingness to stay up until about 1 am) TVO is re-airing his documentary film 'Lovable' tonight (10/30) at 11:00 pm.

 

In it, Alan interviews 25 women of all ages (29 to seniors) on their past and current relationships (or lack thereof), feelings of being alone, their dreams of family life, hopes and fears, attitudes on the single lifestyle, and more. Entertaining and captivating, I'd recommend this film to anyone, and especially those single by desire or circumstance. It's also germane to the topic of the hobbyist way of life.

 

Maybe this will spark some fresh, new discussion here in the coming days.

 

Note: Not recommended viewing if you are getting over a recent breakup, or as a date night movie. ;)

 

P.S. As a side note, Alan himself has been single most of his 50 plus years, by his own admissions something of a torturous past, yet soon after releasing this movie in 2007, he found himself in a new relationship with a woman who he has since married and now has a daughter with.

[tepic 91]

I feel like I wouldn't like that doccumentary. Mainly cause its (as usual) sympathetic to single women. Single men on the other hand? Are flawed and lazy and probably porn-addicts.....

 

Being single and male sucks major... ESP when u lack and bankroll and looks that are the near-exclusive criteria to even get a girls attention

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