where did you learn sexually appropriate behaviour?

[VedaSloan 119179]

I'm in a course entitled Sex, Feminism and Globalization and I'm getting a lot of anti-porn, anti-bdsm feminism crammed down my throat.

 

So my question to all the gents is this: Where did you learn what constituted acceptable sexual behaviour?

 

Keep this quote in mind:

 

"Pornography and its manifestations in popular culture are a major force shaping sexual behaviour in America. This is where men learn sexually appropriate behaviour and what women supposedly want sexually."

 

Personally, I think that's utter horseshit. What about how your parents raised you, what you learned in school, what your friends told you, etc etc?

 

Thoughts?

 

While I agree that some pornography is problematic in that it portrays both sexes rather misleadingly (women are supposed to get wet instantly at the sight of a hard cock, guys are supposed to last forever because the only good sex is penetrative, etc) but rather than condemn the entire thing, if you have such an issue with how male and female sexuality is portrayed, why not try to make pornography more accurate? Probably because it's easier to just say, to hell with it, than to actually sit down and create some new porn.

 

So guys, where'd you learn about sex?

[The General 11309]

Hell Berlin, I am still learning. It is a life long adventure and have learnt a ton even here on Cerb.

 

I have to say, my parents never gave me any background, so I learnt through friends, etc.

 

Oh, and I like your reference to it "being crammed down your throat". Left me with a different imagine than what you were trying to portray. But then again, I am learning all the time.

[Guest t**obb****]

My first view of a nudie mag women was a "spread" Vanna White, which didn't excite me, but more turned me off.(10yo)

 

After that I watched some porn videos(10.01yo). I still remember the first time i tried to access a woman from behind(12yo), like in the videos, but didn't really get the idea, so abandoned to the traditional missionary.(She was quite forgiving)

 

Basically porn, friends etc. gives you ideas(12-infinity yo), you try them, and if you're smart and attentive, you learn what works for each lady.

 

You quickly learn what does not, usually before you get anywhere with it.

[roamingguy 300292]

In terms of learning about sex, well yes, read my share of Playboys, Penthouses and Oui in the day...not to mention watching Charlie's Angels and Wonder Woman LOL

In terms of sexually appropriate behaviour, well first, in terms of learning how to act appropriately with girls my influence was my father. You treat females like a gentleman, hold the door, carry their groceries, give up your seat etc etc etc. When it came to dating, you just had the same mindset, be a gentleman. You brought a gift (as the ladies here can attest, a lesson I haven't forgotten) You bought dinner. Out of respect, you met the parents (talking about high school days now) on the first date.

When it came to sex, you initiated with a kiss, and the lady would let you know if more than kissing was welcome

And after sex, you treated the lady with respect. I was given sage advice, when it came to the locker room talk. Would you talk like that about your girlfriend if she was present in the locker room. Clearly, at least for me, no I wouldn't. In fact that's part of the reason I don't do reviews (play by plays) they sound more like locker room talk to impress the guys. I like writing a recco, it doesn't need to be graphic, but conveys that I met a great lady...however I digress.

Anyhow, my quick take on it

Don't know if that helps at all

RG

[Code Blue 3585]

Trial and error - mostly the latter!!

 

You have to remember, and it is something I found only later in life, that every message you receive about sexuality conveys as much about the author of the information as it does any information to the recipient.

 

"Where you stand depends on where you sit" or some such apothegm.

 

There are quite a few people generating hot air on these topics. I suspect you (Berlin) have enough insight to see that without me pointing it out. I was always good at stating the obvious!!

 

CB

[qwertyaccount 15793]

I first found an interest by tripping across some Playboys.

 

I think my parents raised me well and learned most things from observation and the rest by trial and error, and using the part between my ears to try and make sense of it all and eliminate as much horseshit as possible.

[JuliasUndies 7288]

While I agree that some pornography is problematic in that it portrays both sexes rather misleadingly (women are supposed to get wet instantly at the sight of a hard cock, guys are supposed to last forever because the only good sex is penetrative, etc) but rather than condemn the entire thing, if you have such an issue with how male and female sexuality is portrayed, why not try to make pornography more accurate? Probably because it's easier to just say, to hell with it, than to actually sit down and create some new porn.

 

Bring back blue nuit! :)

This is a great idea! I can't stand this faux mawk porn that starts with two identical looking young females sucking a huge cock, like get real!

Berlin, when is your first directed porn coming out? Client vs SP porn?

[TGirl-Kay 7484]

Hey Berlin,

 

Great question, given my history I thought I'd toss in a comment. I learnt what I consider to be sexually appropriate behaviour in the late 80's from my local leather community. Honour, Integrity and Loyalty top the list.

[loopie 15358]

I'm with Juliasundies, the only real porn I saw as a child was Bleu Nuit and that was really softcore and there was a lot of softcore stuff back in the 80s. The tone of it was pretty affectionate with its snoozy musak score, the longing passionate facial expressions on the actors, the long disolving shot transition effects, and they generally seduced each other with a fair bit of foreplay and humped in very traditional positions at a leisurely pace.

 

So maybe Bleu Buit shaped me more than I thought about ever giving it credit for because that is still how I relate to the sex act. I like a lot of foreplay, vanilla sex positions, leisurely pace; I don't need the Kenny G music, but I'd rather that than most other types of music during sex. I've seen some porn and generally don't like it so I don't watch it. These angry looking musclemen jackhammering these girls to rocker music just puts me off.

 

As for what was respectful of a lady during sex, I never really thought about it. Like I said, I'm a gentle vanilla lover, so it's not like I have urges inside me that I need to temper or find the right girl to indulge them, they're just not there. In fact, I've had various sweethearts of mine look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them I just don't have any fantasies beyond vanilla sex acts. They suggest stuff but none of it appeals to me. Threesomes just sound like they require more coordination than I'll ever have and the idea of anal sex just doesn't appeal to me.

 

So I guess with me there's a nature versus nuture debate. Am I just a naturally vanilla gentle lover, or have I been socialized into being one? If y'all want to chip in for hypnotist I'm sure we could sort this thing out.

[mrgreen760 37785]

At the local Pool Hall.

 

Peace

MG

[Maverick 2873]

That's a good question, I really don't know. I suppose it's a combination of in-school education, talks with my friends, reading and researching online, watching (lots of) pornography, and personal experience. I've always been very respectful of women and I have a shy personality, which I feel contribute to my sexual preferences (relatively vanilla, slow, sensual, kissing & touching, with de-emphasis on penetrative sex and no interest in aggression).

 

That said, I can definitely see where the media, not just pornography can mislead people. In most tv shows and movies, men are positioned as dominant over women in their relationships and in the bedrooms, and the camera usually frames sex as a way of pleasing a man. I saw a good documentary about censorship in film, and the film review board was much harsher in rating films which depicted female pleasure rather than "normal" male pleasure.

 

This also reminds me of the documentary on the g-spot I watched a few weeks ago on TV, which talked about how men were against the clitoral orgasm because it signified women's sexual pleasure was not derived entirely from penetrative sex, which was an idea that belongs in the time of Freud, not today.

 

Long story short, it's a very interesting conversation topic, and I really do think it's a lifelong process that incorporates multiple facets of our lives.

[Phaedrus 209521]

So my question to all the gents is this: Where did you learn what constituted acceptable sexual behaviour?

 

Keep this quote in mind:

 

"Pornography and its manifestations in popular culture are a major force shaping sexual behaviour in America. This is where men learn sexually appropriate behaviour and what women supposedly want sexually."

 

Personally, I think that's utter horseshit. What about how your parents raised you, what you learned in school, what your friends told you, etc etc?

 

Well... I think there may be a serious generational gap between some of us here.

 

I think there's going to be a great deal of difference between those who came of age in an era when there's an entire Internetful of porn just a click or two away, and those of us who grew up firstly being dimly aware of some magazines that we weren't supposed to see, and then finding our Dad's/elder brother's stash, and finally - if we were brave - getting so far as to run the gauntlet of actually going into a shop and buying something yourself.

 

Bear in mind that the available porn then and now is/was very different. What I saw in the magazines when I was a horny teenager was just pics of girls; there were boobs, there was pussy. If you were lucky, you'd get the Holy Grail of teenage fantasy - the split wet beaver (yes, we called it that). It was uncommon to see series of pics with more than one person in a set of pics, and rare to see them actually *doing* anything much - at least in the material I could get my hands on at the time. There were also stories, which contained detailed blow-by-blow accounts of things, and which were - if you had a bit of an imagination - way hotter than the pics. But all of this is a far cry from what you'd find on the various *tube sites now. Back when I was beginning to learn about this stuff, the idea of seeing anything other than photographs was simply incomprehensible. If you wanted video, you'd have to go to the right store, where they'd most certainly wouldn't be serving schoolkids. There were rumors at school that someone (always a friend of a friend) had access to vids and their parents weren't around much... but I never got any more than rumors.

 

So, to finally get somewhere close to answering the question: no, porn wasn't much of an influence on me. Amazingly enough, it turns out that seeing pics of naked girls doesn't help much with actually getting one into a naked state, or give you much of an idea of what to do once you've managed that. Far more important were parents, friends, and good old-fashioned trial-and-error, screwing up and learning from it.

 

Having said all that, I don't know how much my experience would be relevant to the teenagers of today. They'll most certainly have far more knowledge of the "insert tab A into slot B" mechanics of things than I did at that age, and you can absolutely thank porn and the Internet for that. Having said that, I'm not entirely convinced that too many people believe that porn is an accurate depiction of real life. I suspect - and this is probably more relevant to the original cause of the question - that this is just the modern equivalent of the moral hand-wringing about violent movies that went on when I was a kid (violent video games hadn't been invented yet). There were plenty of people that were convinced that violence in the movies and on TV caused imitation violence in the impressionable younger members of society; today, exactly the same anxieties exist, but the focus has moved on to games and sex (and porn in particular). Give it a few years, and we'll find something else to worry about.

[Butterfly Kisses 2301]

Porn back in my day was Penthouse and Exavier Hollander. Not only did the pics and stories serve as early masturbation material, but as the teen years developed, I could hardly wait to try out some of that good stuff. Sue Johanson really opened up people's eyes when her candid and outspoken demeanor confirmed openly what some thought was only fantasy stuff you read in a pocket book or skin mag.

 

All that confirmed I was on the right track in devloping my desires and feeling the great sensation as I lived my learnings. To this day I want nothing more than to experience the highest sexual feelings that can be felt from two people satisfying each other and themselves.

 

Keep it coming.

[NotchJohnson 214123]

I was sure every woman wanted to have the hard sex with man that were hung with 10 inches or more and spread there legs wide open or bent over the couch or hung by the ceiling. LOL

 

Seriously when growing up I knew my parents were sexually active but never in front of us kids. There never was talk about sex at the house until we all were older then 18. We watched a lot of TV with romance or comedy or sometime both. At a young age I discovered Playboy magazine and looked at every pages carefully and read most articles in it(that is when it all started). Friends told stories and then there was dating the next door girl(s) we experimented. First it was "you show me yours and I'll show you mine", then it was "can I touch them" and "please go ahead and touch mine". Mind you that there was a lot of kissing going on back then and the bragging was 1st base, 2nd base, third base and home run etc. No real details of what the bases were.

 

I'm still not sure to this day if any of this or my behavior is/was appropriate.

 

Can you describe what is appropriate behavior?

[qwertyaccount 15793]

Bring back blue nuit! :)

 

I do remember waiting up till the wee hours of the night and sneaking down to the living room to see the TV show "Naked City" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0051297/).

 

I was quite disappointed (no naked people at all, let alone a city of them) and the next day resumed my studies of digging holes and climbing trees.

[VedaSloan 119179]

I saw a good documentary about censorship in film, and the film review board was much harsher in rating films which depicted female pleasure rather than "normal" male pleasure.

 

While not having seen the documentary you mention, my video store experience tells me that there are only two films that I can think of that depict a man giving oral sex to a woman: In the Cut with Meg Ryan and Mark Ruffalo and Blue Valentine with Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams. If anyone knows of any others, PM me!

 

I was sure every woman wanted to have the hard sex with man that were hung with 10 inches or more and spread there legs wide open or bent over the couch or hung by the ceiling. LOL

 

Seriously when growing up I knew my parents were sexually active but never in front of us kids. There never was talk about sex at the house until we all were older then 18. We watched a lot of TV with romance or comedy or sometime both. At a young age I discovered Playboy magazine and looked at every pages carefully and read most articles in it(that is when it all started). Friends told stories and then there was dating the next door girl(s) we experimented. First it was "you show me yours and I'll show you mine", then it was "can I touch them" and "please go ahead and touch mine". Mind you that there was a lot of kissing going on back then and the bragging was 1st base, 2nd base, third base and home run etc. No real details of what the bases were.

 

I'm still not sure to this day if any of this or my behavior is/was appropriate.

 

Can you describe what is appropriate behavior?

 

By appropriate, I just meant in general. It really wasn't that relevant to my question, I could have just asked: How/Where did you learn about sex? I personally don't consider any particular sex act "appropriate," in that one is better for a particular situation than another or that one style of sex is better or worse than another. I very much try not to participate in sexual hierarchies. What people like sexually are preferences, and I'm not going to vilify someone because they like a certain act that I personally would not engage in.

[spud271 47779]

I was fortunate enough to grow up in a household where no subject was taboo. My parents always encouraged me to discuss any topic with them and never be afraid to ask a question. I have also made sure to be the same way with my son, he knows no matter how difficult the question may be he can ask it to me. Since his mother is not the same way, this gives him an outlet to talk about anything he is curious about. I strongly encourage everyone to be open to questions from their children, it helps them be more comfortable with themselves.

[cat 262460]

I grew up in a male environment with only my mother and sister as female role models. For male role models I had my father and the assorted male employees that came and left. Today it would be considered very inappropriate to raise a child there but for the times it was normal. Our shop was papered with Playboy centerfolds and then came the Sunshine girls. The guys talked about sex as often as they did about engines and foul language was considered effective communicating. Reading material was Penthouse, Playboy and what ever books made their way into the house from trunks of cars enroute to the crusher. I could read before I went to school and called the teacher out on my Dick and Jane reader because in my book there was no dick, just a little boy. I didn't know it could be a boys name. That's the first time I realized I knew stuff the other children didn't.

 

What did it teach me? I learned listening to men talk is way more fun than listening to women talk. I learned my current trade skills from the magazines and my life skills from the people around me. Did porn shape who I am? Probably but it didn't teach me that a mans pleasure came first or that my pleasure was to come from what the man decided to do. It taught me the basics, my own explorations taught me to ensure I enjoy it. My understanding of the sexual component to relationships gave me equal footing with the men in my life both professionally and personally. It taught me that women have an advantage that is unlimited if they know how to use it wisely.

 

I have raised my children from the beginning to know and understand the biological aspects of sexuality and now they are older, I am the one they come to if they have a question. Nothing is off limits and I encourage them to follow their inclinations and see what happens. Just always play safe...

 

cat

[frenchlover22 261]

Very good question Berlin and I'm glad you clarified 'appropriate' because that is really a subjective part of the question.

I think people should explore any sexual urges that they want together with no limits but your imagination. I draw the line at rape although I've been told that eing 'taken' is one of the more popular fantasies for some women. I think there is a difference in having a fantasy and truly being taken brutaly against your will if there is no attraction between two people, so rape is definetely NOT appropriate.

 

I think men learn in stages and hopefully they don't get stuck at stage 1.

 

Stage 1: porn and the internet (mags in the old days) is where men get a lot of ideas about their 'ideal sex'. There is no way that porn portrays reality. It is horrible for young men to not last like porn stars if that's where you learn. What pressure and self doubt ! It is also stupid to portray women as always wet and ready for anthing all the time no mattter what. So hopefully men move to

Stage 2: you experiment and lean to communicate! Now that's the secret to good satisfying sex.

Stage 3: you learn that setting the mood and stoking the fire leads to better sex so you put effort into a date: candles, massagge, chocolate, wine, dirty talk before during and after, build the anticipation

 

Stage 4: you put it all together and you have magical, mind blowing sex that would put porn stars to shame. If you are lucky you progress through the stages quickly and before you need blue pills.

And that's all I have to say about that. Life is like a box of chocolates.

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[Guest p**h*x]

I learned the basics from my parents and at a fairly early age. I remember knowing more about the subject than my friends at school when they started teaching it in class. Then as a lot of others already said it was because of playboy that I saw my first naked woman and then saw some movies when I was probably about 12 for the first time. I remember thinking "ahh, that makes sense" when I first saw a porn movie.

 

Then when I started high school the Sunday Night Sex show had just started airing and it was pretty much standard viewing for everyone I knew. I learned a lot from that show.