The Truth: Skeletons In The Closet

[drlove 37204]

I've been dating my new girlfriend for a few weeks now. Last night we were lying in bed and she brought up the fact that she had a "dark side". I didn't know what she meant by that, and asked her to expand on it. She told me that a few years ago, she was down on her luck and worked as an escort to pay for her tuition and help her family out. I felt good about the fact that she felt comfortable enough with me to divulge that information. I feel that a relationship should be based on trust through honesty and full disclosure. So, when she asked me if I had anything in my past to share, I decided to open up to her about the fact that I saw escorts.

 

I admit that in most cases, it may be a mistake to tell something like this to a civilian woman, simply because in most cases they have preconceived notions and might not understand. However, given that she had been involved with the hobby herself as an SP, I felt that there was a good chance that she would be able to see my point of view on the subject. Furthermore, I felt it was a way to clear the air early on by eliminating any hidden secrets. Also, since she asked, I felt that if I didn't come clean, I would in fact be lying to her.

 

However, she proceeded to give me a moral lecture, which I thought was akin to the pot calling the kettle black so to speak. She justified it by saying that her involvement was based solely on dire financial need, whereas mine was based on self gratification. She also had a problem with the fact that I felt that "it was ok to see escorts". I told her that I could judge her as well, but I wouldn't since it wasn't right. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes, and then talk the talk. Well, she wasn't having any of it, and was basically going to break up with me right there and then. To top it off, she said that it was early on in the relationship and she wasn't sure she could resolve my transgression in her own mind. She also said that if she had found out a year from now, she would have been able to forgive me. I asked her why, and she replied that at that point, she would have been madly in love with me and thus it wouldn't have mattered.

 

Excuse me, but that sounds like a crock of shit. I told her that she would basically be agreeing to forgive a one year old lie, and an entire relationship based on one. Yet, right here, right now, she wasn't willing to forgive and accept the fact that I told her about my hobbying because I truly cared about her, and couldn't bear to be deceitful. As I said to her, how can you have a meaningful relationship without being honest? I came this close to losing her, but she's agreed (tentatively) to give me another chance. Now I'm scared that she might change her mind again and end it. Does anyone have any advice on how I can smooth things over??

 

Thanks.

[Megan'sTouch 23875]

My first instinct is to say that this confirms that, although we intuitively think that the men and women involved in this scene have sex-work-positive & liberal politics, this is very often not the case. To be frank, it seriously shocks me sometimes the bullshit that comes out of the mouths of sex workers and their clients.

 

My second instinct is to say that it sounds like she may have had a negative experience in the sex industry, and to think of you (someone she has feelings for) as participating in that negative experience is troubling for her. Though not rational, I can appreciate her feelings on the matter.

[cometman 35115]

Don't even try. Tell her it is what it is and you are what you are. However, if the relationship survives the early days, you may find that she is the "one" and worth not seeing Sp's. My marriage died 6 years ago, although we are still together. I had a couple of relationships in the last couple of years and the bs involved made me realize that, at least for now, SP's were the way to go. If and when I commit to another woman, I will be monogamous. However, I find that if it is not true love for both, hypocrisy rears it's ugly head and I am so done with that.

[drlove 37204]

My second instinct is to say that it sounds like she may have had a negative experience in the sex industry' date=' and to think of you (someone she has feelings for) as participating in that negative experience is troubling for her. Though not rational, I can appreciate her feelings on the matter.[/quote']

 

Well, yes. That's it. It was a negative experience for her, unfortunately. I thought I owed it to her to be honest about it, since she brought it up. I told her at the time that it would have been very easy for me to keep my mouth shut and not say anything, and If I was a different type of person I may well have. However, I genuinely care for her and wanted to put my cards on the table and not put myself in a situation where I was harbouring secrets. I was hoping she would be able to understand that about me. Now, I feel like I'm being penalized for telling the truth. I honestly care a great deal about her and have treated her like a queen from the first day I met her. So, what should I do?

[Old Dog 179138]

Let it play out.

 

You can't undo your past and she can't undo hers; it's forward or bust.

 

If it's to be a committed monogamous relationship then the past is just that, the past. You have slept with other people as has she - very few of us ever get involved with relationship virgins.

 

Oh... if it's the hairdresser, hide the scissors.

[xmy556 6095]

She opened up to you and then invited you to share the intimate details of your past. It doesn't sound like she was even remotely prepared to understand or accept your history, which is just wrong.

 

I don't relate well to judgemental types. Myself, I'd move on... seriously..

[newboy 4919]

I agree with Old Dog, relationships are complicated. The two of you may work through this, or you may not, there is no way to know. If you really care for her, you owe it to yourself to give it a chance to work out.

[Guest E*******h S******s]

Relationships are a learning experience...for both parties. I believe that this is probably a pretty important piece of information that she has given you. The way she is able to rationalize her own actions and motives while condemning yours is invaluable information. If she is willing to push this envelope only a couple of weeks in, you need to understand that throughout the relationship you will need to tread very carefully and will have to keep certain beliefs, actions and opinions to yourself in order to keep the peace.

 

If you attempt to mollify her at this point with apologetic offerings (ie., sappy cards, flowers, jewelry), then understand that this is a scenario that will continue to play out throughout the relationship.

 

Old Dog is right, it needs to play out minus false self recrimination in order to keep the relationship going. Your past isn't something that either of you can change. As long as what you did in the past wasn't illegal or harmful to others, then your relationship should be starting a fresh slate. She will either accept that or she won't. If you can't be who you are now, what do you think it's going to be like 3 years from now?

[Isabella Gia (Banned) 53881]

Dr. Love the others have posted very good points so I will only tell you one more. IMO you have nothing to apologize for, you confided her with someone not many men would have and unless you were currently seeing escorts then as I said you have nothing to be sorry about and she should understand it same way you did and as OD pointe out you have both had sex with other people, an in this case both of you have done it under the same conditions so I don't get why she is so bothered by it.

As for her bad experience with clients, it is unfair to be upset at you for that. You have probably had bad dates with escorts and do not think she was probably like that too right?

[drlove 37204]

Thanks everyone,

 

I called her tonight and she is back to her old self again... it seems that everything's cool now and the relationship is back on track!

 

*fingers crossed*

[roamingguy 300292]

It's too bad she viewed her time as an escort as a dark side in her past. Unless she had a bad date, or was exploited by a pimp, really, she should be looking at her time as an escort as providing her with an opportunity to pay her tuition and help her family out. She had her reasons for becoming an escort and she shouldn't be ashamed nor view it as a dark side.

Ladies become escorts for all sorts of reasons, just as guys see escorts for all sorts of reasons. It is the viewing of escorts and escorting as a dark side, a secret, that keeps it stigmatized by mainstream society. But those, be it ladies or gentlemen who partake in this lifestyle should be accepting of others, be it ladies or gentlemen who are also involved in this lifestyle. We all have our reasons for being here

And a quick quote comes to mind, people living in glass houses shouldn't throw stones

A quick rambling since I can't get to sleep

RG

[CristyCurves 169032]

She opened up to you and then invited you to share the intimate details of your past. It doesn't sound like she was even remotely prepared to understand or accept your history, which is just wrong.

 

I don't relate well to judgemental types. Myself, I'd move on... seriously..

I have to say I agree,I also like megans point but all in all if you open up to someone they should be understanding and excepting ,not critical and blaming.Especially when it's the same subject,the sex industry.Both parties had their reasons to be in it ,and if it's in the past then why even stress about it.She sounds insecure,probably feels you may continue in your quest for escorts,if thats the case evertime you are out of her sight she may question your activities .I hope it works out but when someone puts all their cards on the table ,one should be thankful you are being honest,after all most aren't!!!