past experience that shape our character

[shymale 10234]

Lately i have been pondering why i'm so shy and fear rejection from woman. when i was young i used to write and act out plays with my friends in front of my classmate and even the school. all of a sudden i had trouble speaking in front of groups and to girls one on one.

 

i believe i found two reasons why. i was always heavier than kids my age and in high school i got teased and laughed at for being overweight daily from kids i didn't even know(this had never happened before), i believed for the first time in my life i was different from everybody cause i was FAt. i started beliving i was less than nothing cause i was fat wich made me unpopular in school. all my friends( the little i had) and i was part of the rejects. so i started always staying in corners trying not to be seen.

 

and secondly this has to do with my fear of rejection. There was this girl who was popular but also a friend of mine, i was her confident, she told me everything. she always talked to me about her boyfriends and telling how bad they treated her. after a will she started telling me that she needed somebody like me. she told me that more than once so i took it has a sign. so i decieded to ask her out, a planned a perfect date, Bryan Adams was coming for a concert in Ottawa and i knew she loved him. so i saved my money, bought two front row tickets and on the last day of school took my couraged in hands and ask her out. she shot me down saying she didn't like bryan adams and walked away. she never talk to me again. this was the worst summer of my life. so for alot of years after that i never ask anybody out, and to this day i still have confidence issues wich holds me back.

 

 

it's funny that you never associate things until alot later in life!! you don't make the connections to the event or you don't won't to say it's because of this event. i was taking stock of my life so far and wanted to make changes, taking my two biggest personnal handicaps and trying to change for the better. hopefully realising where it started will help me get over them.

 

i just needed to say it to someone as to not keep it bottled up inside. so who better than my friends of cerb who don't judge. just writing it down and knowing it will be seen by others seems appropriate. if this helps somebody in the same situation all the better.

 

feel free to post your own story if you like, it did me good just writing it, mabe it will for you too.

[mrrnice2 157005]

What an interesting thread.

 

Past experience obviously has a huge affect on how we currently act or perceive things. For some it may in fact be a single event or a few momentous events that have had an impact and for others it would simply be a cumulative buildup of everyday life experiences.

 

For me I believe that my 'character' such as it is a result of of an incredible home environment as I grew up, and then a similar environment within my own family as I matured.

 

One single event has brought me to Cerb in the last year, and as a result my own shyness is slowly and slightly becoming less of a personal issue. My character even after all these years continues to develop and change and be molded.

 

One thing that Shymale referred to that has been a huge benefit for me, not in the sense of past experiences but as a personal tool to help, is the ablility to write. A personal journal has been a very good therapeutic exercise for me and I have met many others for whom that is also the case.

[NotchJohnson 214136]

I can't believe I'm doing this but shymale did it and I feel for you brother since I had also a difficult teenage, adolescent high school fear.

You see I was also shy in my younger days and never participated in any activities with others since my family and I lived out in the country my parents were both hard working so I never joined any scout or baseball team or soccer nor hockey even though I was in good shape.

At school when teams were being picked, I was one of the last or the last to be picked for a team, I began to ate sports.

 

This is where I decided to be good in something else so I put all my time on my studies but even the nerds(with respect) did not hang around me because I was an outsider(not from the city) I could not stay after school in the library.

I tried hanging around the tough guys with leather and chained wallet and tattoos but just dd not fit either.

In my late teens I became a prep(well dressed) and started to get some friends but alas it was too late I graduated and went to college.

 

With a good job as an engineer I worked for the family business but could not work well with my dad so I became a firefighter until a few years ago I came back to the family business again.

 

In the process of being who I am now, I bought a motorcycle(Harley Davidson) since it's something one can do alone, and gained respect from many in my community and now run part of the family business.

[MightyPen 67414]

Good on you for posting this, Shymale. You're absolutely right on two levels:

 

a) yes, our past absolutely shapes our present, and it's in adolescence that we usually form the social selves we'll use to navigate the world of other human beings for the rest of our lives. If something goes wrong here, and we don't develop our social instincts, we'll carry that burden until we can finish the development we didn't complete at that age. For the kind of shyness you're talking about, adolescence is exactly the period to examine.

 

You're already halfway there because you've identified some specific issues and events that affected you then, and you've sensed that they've had lasting impact on your relationship to the people around you.

 

b) you're bang on that sharing these ideas with others is one of the steps to moving forward -- partly because it's one way of integrating your inner self back into the community of other people. Writing is a great start because you can think carefully as you get the words down, and then share the whole piece.

 

I feel like writing an "It Gets Better" piece, but for shy people. I had a tough and isolated adolescence too. Very briefly, I promise you that there are lots of people who went through young life feeling separate and alienated in just the way you describe. People who suffered a long string of painful rejections from others they trusted, or who they simply pinned their hopes on, but were met with indifference or cruelty. You're not alone.

 

I recommend that you consider seeing a professional therapist and carrying this conversation further. Seeing a therapist is one way of embracing the desire to change things for the better. If you felt that writing your story down here did you some good, consider the value there might be in talking with someone trained in the human psyche. You may come away seeing old and familiar things differently, and building a plan for change.

 

Then there's a lot of work for YOU carrying out that plan. :) Sorry, can't be avoided. But it really can be done.

[castle 38816]

Past experiences most definitely shape who we are...there's no doubt about that. Now whether we let unpleasant experiences shape us in a negative way, or whether we learn from them and grow as a result, that's up to us. I'm afraid to say that I went the negative route..

 

Growing up I had friends, quite a few friends, and they were all the "beautiful people"....the magazine cover kind of people. Especially as a teenager....I was your stereotypical tall, ridiculously skinny, greasy haired, always dressed in black, acne covered, shy outsider...I did have friends but they were the muscle bound, sparkly teeth, flowing hair, clear skinned heart throbs...same goes for the female friends I had. So of course because of who I surrounded myself with I grew up shy when it comes to women...I didn't think I measured up. I still don't. I don't blame my friends, they were great friends and never once made me feel any less because I wasn't as "beautiful" as them. And actually kept insisting that I was attractive and that I should have more confidence. I chose to make myself feel inferior, I don't think it was a conscious decision...but it was still a decision on my part. Like Shymale there was probably a defining moment that started to make me feel this way....some sort of rejection.....or some derogatory comment... but I honestly can't remember. Either way it was my choice to feel like this.

 

And I'm still the same way today....It's virtually impossible for me to ask a girl out....even when I'm getting all the signals and I KNOW I'm getting all the signals......I still can't bring myself to do it. Part of me still feels that I don't measure up. I know that's silly and completely untrue.....my current friends (a few of who are still the "beautiful people") have been really good at trying to boost my ego and keep insisting I'm attractive. And part of me knows they're right.....but now instead of being skinny I'm sporting a few extra pounds...and I feel that unless I have the rock hard six pack ab figure that no one will be interested in me. I KNOW that's a completely false, and maybe even dangerous, attitude to have....but I can't help it. I still feel that way.

 

It's really fucked up because I've been with SP's who I know were attracted to me and were having just as good a time as I was....and recently. I've been in this hobby long enough that I think I can tell the difference when a SP is just going through the motions and telling me I'm hot/handsome and I turn her on, etc....and when she actually means it. So I know that beautiful women can find me attractive. I know that. But there's still this fucked up mental block when it comes to asking a woman out in the "real" world.

 

And so I don't ask anyone out. At least no one I'm attracted to. And I refuse to ask someone out just for the sake of asking them out if I'm not attracted to them. I'm not shy with women per se...I can converse with them fine and interact with them fine, I can become friends with women, no problem...but actually taking that next step and asking them out? Nope, not gonna happen.

 

The only girlfriends I've had, they've made the first move. I'm ok if a girl asks me out.....but that almost never happens....it seems to me that as much as our culture has progressed as far as equal rights for the sexes go, that women still expect the man to make the first move and ask her out. Which seems to me kind of a backwards attitude to have. In every other way roles for the sexes have flipped around 360 degrees. I have friends where the woman goes to work and the man stays home with the kids all day and is the homemaker, cleaning, having dinner ready for her when she gets home, etc. We have women now dominating men inside and outside of the bedroom.....almost all my bosses have been women.......which don't get me wrong, I think it's awesome and I truly believe women have earned those rights.....but we still have to ask them out.....they won't ask us out even if they really want to. At least not in my experience. Men have to make the first move in the courting process. That's just the way it is. Period. In that one aspect it's like we're still living in the 50's. I just don't get it.

[Butterfly Kisses 2301]

I believe I have the good fortune of being accepted by the female public in general. This comes from my upbringing as a child. My father left before I turned 1 yr old and from then on I was raised primarily by by mom with help from her sisters as I grew.

 

Adding to that, all my cousins were female, so once again I was always around the girls and other females within the family. My mother was very strong and never complained raising a son on her own. But she taught me to respect those around me which ultimately were female for the most part.

 

My mom remarried later and my step father helped me with some of the "so called male things" i may have lacked.

 

To this day I am sensitive and emotional, but don't fuck with me because I will rip your head off as necessary (that is males), lol.

 

Just kidding.

[The General 11309]

My personal view is that our personalities we are born with, although they get shaped quite a bit through experiences.

 

Personally, I have always been shy, mostly lacking some personal confidence and also protecting myself, since I like to be 110% certain before I say to much, which results in often not saying much. I find it interesting that those that participate the most, often speak before they think, and sometimes what comes out, jeez, what were they thinking. Of yea, I said they speak and then think. But they are the most entertaining people in the world and I am jealous of them, but really hard to change your core personality.

 

I am not really sure what shaped me in this why, I think very little, mostly what shaped me was probably how I managed myself personally. My dad was a very addictive type of person, loved to socialize, drink and then gamble. I just wanted to be more prudent, the problem being sometimes we become the anti of our parents.

 

I now am trying to convince myself that life is short and enjoy it while you can. I am still working on that one, and need to loosen up a bit.....but that is a personality change.....hard work. And with all the worldly bad news, hard to not be prudent, when that is you..

 

The other thing I found was having couple friends, tends to end pretty quick when the couple is no longer a couple.... And the women tend to drive the social agenda, which is great, but I think ends up leaving the guys outside the couple friends.

 

So, life begins again, and I am very content, but one should never be fully satisfied... have fun my friends and enjoy.

[JuliasUndies 7288]

Crap, this is true.

TEACHERS! I just want to say that teachers have a lot to do with shaping who we are, for better or for worse!

[ostirch 1668]

My father was in a depression all his life... The house was always a mess and he did not bother doing groceries. I was in this weird situation, where he had lots of money but I was still going hungry to school. I had to take care of him and cheer him up.

 

As a result, when people get irrationally upset, I know there's something painful behind it. I try not to be a caretaker to my friends. And I just abhor people who are cheap.

[mrgreen760 37785]

Losing my sister at 44 a female cousin at 32. My Mom, Grandma and Aunt (in a 47 day span) all to female cancers. My Mom on a Xmas Eve. These events shaped my character in many many ways and the lessons that I learned was to live in the moment, not to take to much shit too seriously, be an open person and be open to all experiences, tred lightly and to try my best to do no harm. We're all a Dtrs call away from our lives turning on a dime. Don't sweat the stuff you can't control.

 

Peace

MG

[Emma Alexandra 123368]

My parents were always givers..always helping the less fortunate...I sometimes went with my day when he delivered the presents he and his friend had bought for families.. at the time i didn't understand the tears i would see from the moms...

 

When my dad passed away I did my best to continue...I couldn't afford much as i was young but i always managed from saving my baby sitting money to help at least one family. So my parents were not only my hero but helped shape me into being a giver ... a giver from the heart. I still do this today.

[JuliasUndies 7288]

My parents were always givers..always helping the less fortunate...I sometimes went with my day when he delivered the presents he and his friend had bought for families.. at the time i didn't understand the tears i would see from the moms...

 

When my dad passed away I did my best to continue...I couldn't afford much as i was young but i always managed from saving my baby sitting money to help at least one family. So my parents were not only my hero but helped shape me into being a giver ... a giver from the heart. I still do this today.

 

Tears to my eyes!

 

Additional Comments:

Losing my sister at 44 a female cousin at 32. My Mom, Grandma and Aunt (in a 47 day span) all to female cancers. My Mom on a Xmas Eve. These events shaped my character in many many ways and the lessons that I learned was to live in the moment, not to take to much shit too seriously, be an open person and be open to all experiences, tred lightly and to try my best to do no harm. We're all a Dtrs call away from our lives turning on a dime. Don't sweat the stuff you can't control.

 

Peace

MG

 

Sounds familiar. 4 friends gone, dad and many family members gone as well..3 friends dying.. I push people away now. It's far too hard to love them and loose them.

[mrgreen760 37785]

Sounds familiar. 4 friends gone, dad and many family members gone as well..3 friends dying.. I push people away now. It's far too hard to love them and loose them.

 

I don't judge because this stuff is so hard and scary and some don't know what to say so they nothing at all.. but I do the exact opposite, even though I'm scared as it could easily happen to me, I'm not affraid to pull those people closer. My Dad taught me many things, the most important lesson for me was...it's easy to there when it's easy...it's much more important to be there when it's hard...so I am.

 

Peace

MG

[LeeRichards 177238]

My parents were always givers..always helping the less fortunate...I sometimes went with my day when he delivered the presents he and his friend had bought for families.. at the time i didn't understand the tears i would see from the moms...

 

When my dad passed away I did my best to continue...I couldn't afford much as i was young but i always managed from saving my baby sitting money to help at least one family. So my parents were not only my hero but helped shape me into being a giver ... a giver from the heart. I still do this today.

 

I love this Emma !! Big heart :) My Dad did this for years Xmas eve as Santa delivering gifts to the needy in a small community ...I went along as well many years. Donated some of my money from cutting grass....and even dressed as an elf. ( don't laugh ) Then my brother and I took over, brother as Santa... a bigger and jovial fella ... HoHoHo ;) Now my nephew took over. An awesome tradition that brings many smiles and tears of joy !!!!!

[roamingguy 300292]

Well at a young age, early 20's I was diagnosed with a medical condition, for which to this day I take a prescription for (prescription changed not so long ago and affects certain other things but I digress) However some "friends" and some family (uncle/aunt) found out at the time I was diagnosed, and freaked and as much as I want nothing to do with them, to this day, the same holds true for them regarding me...well the friends are no longer friends and I have no use for the family members

Really, the only visible sign I have of this condition are when I take my prescription and that I don't drink...I otherwise live and lead a normal life

What has it taught me, this experience showed me how even the supposed closest people to you can become prejudiced against you, and in my day to day life I do my best not to be prejudiced and judgemental with other people. In short, I do my very best to treat others as I would like to be treated

RG

[JuliasUndies 7288]

 

I don't judge because this stuff is so hard and scary and some don't know what to say so they nothing at all.. but I do the exact opposite, even though I'm scared as it could easily happen to me, I'm not affraid to pull those people closer. My Dad taught me many things, the most important lesson for me was...it's easy to there when it's easy...it's much more important to be there when it's hard...so I am.

 

Peace

MG

 

I do the same with very close friends and family, annoyingly so. I tell them I love them everyday, I kiss them goodbye when they leave, I know that any day could be our last. I love them so much and I have no room for others.

[Guest ***nsut***jr]

I look at these type events as part of a learning process rather than indelible life altering events. I'm not the same person I was in grade school, high school or when I was in my 20's or 30's. i really can't think of something that happened in the past that keeps me from doing what I really want today. Every day is part of that learning process and sometimes we get kicked in the teeth. Big deal. Spit the broken ones out and carry on. Don't be scared of shoes, boots or feet, they are not the problem

 

One thing I have learned is that if you don't ask then you'll miss out for sure. If the answer is not what you hoped then take it in stride and move on to something or someone else that wants you for what you really are and what you have to offer.

 

Sometimes the past sucks so I prefer to leave it there.

 

J

[VedaSloan 119179]

Shymale, I can TOTALLY relate.

 

In elementary school I had braces and glasses and I was overweight. It really couldn't get much worse. It didn't matter that I eventually grew into a beautiful woman and lost the braces and got cooler glasses--that "loser" rep followed me to high school. I didn't have many friends, and to this day I can count on one hand the people I consider good friends. I've always been a bit of a loner, but I think that being shunned a lot when I was a kid definitely fueled that.

 

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

[Guest h****hedl]

I admire your courage Shymale. Sounds like you were carrying quite a burden and needed to share. I also would like to commend those who have shared their personal experiences also.

 

I am encouraged by this thread, as most of us can relate to this (one way or another). So many fellow members touched by your story; so much so, that they felt compelled to share their experiences as well. The healing process has begun, embrace it and good things will follow.....

 

This thread proves a solid point: as members of Cerb, we are never alone (if we don't want to be)!