What Do You Think?

[drlove 37204]

I recently met an amazing civilian woman on line. We've been communicating back and forth for about a month and a half, and we've gone out on two official dates. What draws me to her is that we have so much in common it's almost scary. She's like a carbon copy of myself! She seems 100% genuine ad I feel connected to her in a way that I haven't felt with anyone else.

 

Now, last week, she told me that she doesn't think there's a romantic connection. However, she still wanted to be friends. While I was disappointed at the news, I had to respect her wishes. Regardless of whether or not there was a spark, I didn't want her to be out of my life completely. So, I whole heartedly accepted her offer. Last night, we went out to a movie and had a great time. She's really sweet, and she actually gave me a lift to and from, and also paid for my movie, which she didn't have to do at all. I almost felt guilty! At the very least, I offered to pay for her popcorn and drinks, but she only chose a small item from the concession stand. Wow...

 

We've made tentative plans to hang out again, and I'm very happy about that. My question is, does anyone think there still might be a chance for us at some point down the road? I've heard that the best relationships often start as "friends". Thoughts?

[Emma Alexandra 123368]

Never say never but don't push it..let her take the lead. Being just friends isn't so bad either..I met one of my best male friends online..we dated first but realized we were better off as friends. We are both very happy with that.

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

I have said that one before " would still like to be friends" but typically this means....." I am involved with someone new, not sure where it will go, so keep in touch, so if this one doesn't work out then I will give you a try" NOT SAYING this is what this situation is, but just my own experience. So perhaps keep the door open for awile, but if interest is not reciprocated then time to move on:(

Hope the door swings in your favor, perhaps just needs time to develop? Good luck, you are an awsome guy and deserve to be someone's first choice!!

[JuliasUndies 7288]

Or..It could be she has enough respect for you that she doesn't want to ruin it. Don't go on too many more friend dates before you let her know she drives you crazy and you love her/like her and if by then she doesn't feel the same way let her know you can't see her anymore. This will force her to make a decision and who knows maybe she might realize she likes you after all and doesn't want to live without you.

[drlove 37204]

Or..It could be she has enough respect for you that she doesn't want to ruin it. Don't go on too many more friend dates before you let her know she drives you crazy and you love her/like her and if by then she doesn't feel the same way let her know you can't see her anymore. This will force her to make a decision and who knows maybe she might realize she likes you after all and doesn't want to live without you.

 

That's exactly what my male friend said. Still, I feel I should give things time to develop, even as friends. I want her to see the person I am, devoid of any sexual/romantic tension. I like your idea, Julia, but I wouldn't want to spring it on her too soon. I feel if I give her an ultimatum relatively early on, she may still reject my advances and I'll lose a potentially great friendship as well. How long do you think I should wait before I say anything?

[JuliasUndies 7288]

That's exactly what my male friend said. Still, I feel I should give things time to develop, even as friends. I want her to see the person I am, devoid of any sexual/romantic tension. I like your idea, Julia, but I wouldn't want to spring it on her too soon. I feel if I give her an ultimatum relatively early on, she may still reject my advances and I'll lose a potentially great friendship as well. How long do you think I should wait before I say anything?

 

No more than a month and I say this to protect your best interests because it WILL drive you crazy and unless she does something really awful to you just how long can you have your heart strings pulled almost to the breaking point knowing you feel so much for her? And..what if she knows that and takes advantage of that? You can do it (in a funny accent)!!

But you really need to ask yourself if friends is what it will be, can you be just friends? Can men and woman be just friends when one is in love with the other? Sometimes to get what we want/need we need to take a risk and if she feels the same way you do you will surely know when you cut it off after a month..and hey if she's okay with that and doesn't put up a fight..well.. You know what kind of friend you have/had and you had less in common tha you really thought, just sayin..And if she is very clear about being friends and you are okay with that then it may close doors on a potential mutually loving relationship is you spend time with her, hung up on her, like/love her and all that jazz..How will you move on if you are in love with your friend?

Remember the saying, if you love them, let them go???

[MiaBella 10988]

I have to say I'm with Ms. Emma on this one.

Sometimes, friends is what is meant to be, sometimes not.

You never know what the future will bring. People change their minds, grow.

If she feels that friends is a better fit, it must be for a reason. And I wouldn't necessarily say it's because she is dating someone else, or that she really isn't interested in you at all, especially if you two are still hanging out.

 

I would be up front, but I would avoid putting any pressure on her to make a decision. I would simply let her know, you are interested, and if friends is what she wants, that's fine.

But if you feel you can't be friends with her, because all you can think of is ripping her clothes off, then maybe that's your sign to move on.

 

There's no right answer. The best thing you can do is listen to your heart.

Best of luck!

xoxox

[oldblueeyez 15475]

Will this friendship affect your ability/desire to date other women?

What happens if you get attached to your "friendly" outings and then she

gets involved with someone who doesn't want her having male friends, and

all of the sudden she's cut from your life? Are you setting yourself up for

a crushing blow?

 

"Being friends" is great when you have to maintain civil relations with an ex-wife

for the good of the kids, but otherwise? Cut the line, bye! ;-)

 

Be careful with your heart, some people like to play with them for fun.

[brockvilleman 615]

that is the way my wife and i started out. had 8 of the best years. now she has passed was very hard to get over.

[drlove 37204]

Herein lies the conundrum. I made my intentions clear at first, meaning that I was expecting things to move forward in a romantic fashion. She put a stop to it by saying "I don't think we have a romantic connection", yet, we are still hanging out as "friends". Now, I'm unclear as to whether she is simply not attracted to me in that way but still values my company, or if it's just that she wants to proceed slowly, and see if I'm genuine.

 

That said, if it came to the point where I gave her the ultimatum of either being in a relationship with me, or I'd walk - I don't know if I'd have the heart to cut all ties with her when it came down to it. I'd be taking a huge risk - reason being, I'd stand to lose everything, including the friendship. I guess what I'm saying is that I honestly like her for who she is as a person, not just her looks. That's why I'm struggling with this. Sometimes, something (i.e a solid friendship) is better than nothing at all.

 

No more than a month and I say this to protect your best interests because it WILL drive you crazy and unless she does something really awful to you just how long can you have your heart strings pulled almost to the breaking point knowing you feel so much for her? And..what if she knows that and takes advantage of that? You can do it (in a funny accent)!!

But you really need to ask yourself if friends is what it will be, can you be just friends? Can men and woman be just friends when one is in love with the other? Sometimes to get what we want/need we need to take a risk and if she feels the same way you do you will surely know when you cut it off after a month..and hey if she's okay with that and doesn't put up a fight..well.. You know what kind of friend you have/had and you had less in common tha you really thought, just sayin..And if she is very clear about being friends and you are okay with that then it may close doors on a potential mutually loving relationship is you spend time with her, hung up on her, like/love her and all that jazz..How will you move on if you are in love with your friend?

Remember the saying, if you love them, let them go???

[roamingguy 300292]

I find it surprising that given you both met on-line, (I assume a dating site) and stated your intents (ie romantic) but she said no, but wants to be friends, but you are both going out on dates

First, if a dating site, was it a site devoted to romantic dating, friends with benefits, just friends, intimate encounters etc.

Both your intentions must have been known even before you met

I would take it slow, and while not closing the door on this lady so to speak, see other ladies, and from your standpoint, expect the worst, meaning don't expect this to last

RG

[JuliasUndies 7288]

My question is, does anyone think there still might be a chance for us at some point down the road? I've heard that the best relationships often start as "friends". Thoughts?

 

I wouldn't hold my breath :)

[drlove 37204]

I find it surprising that given you both met on-line, (I assume a dating site) and stated your intents (ie romantic) but she said no, but wants to be friends, but you are both going out on dates

First, if a dating site, was it a site devoted to romantic dating, friends with benefits, just friends, intimate encounters etc.

Both your intentions must have been known even before you met

I would take it slow, and while not closing the door on this lady so to speak, see other ladies, and from your standpoint, expect the worst, meaning don't expect this to last

RG

 

Exactly... she was the one who initiated things in terms of first contact. My guess is she may have been attracted to me initially, but changed her opinion at some point. So, I'm thinking that she's not physically attracted, but still enjoys having me around for the social side of things. That's why I don't want to rock the boat.

 

Additional Comments:

P.S Yes, it was a dating site.

[roamingguy 300292]

Exactly... she was the one who initiated things in terms of first contact. My guess is she may have been attracted to me initially, but changed her opinion at some point. So, I'm thinking that she's not physically attracted, but still enjoys having me around for the social side of things. That's why I don't want to rock the boat.

 

Additional Comments:

P.S Yes, it was a dating site.

 

Well here's an idea, next time, if she asks to go out on a "date" say no, tell her you just met another lady (btw this can be made up) through the dating site and are going out on a date with her the night this lady planned

See her reaction. If she is truly just wanting to be friends, she should be happy for you. If she doesn't want you to go out with this lady then discuss right then and there what sort of relationship she wants...and tell her if just friends, you will be seeing other people.

One more thing, I appreciate you don't want to rock the boat, but keeping that phrase in mind, your really just on the dock so to speak, and there is no boat to rock

Whatever happens, good luck

RG

[billybob 20128]

Oh my gosh, can we be serious here, he wants her, she doesn't want him. Do all the jockeying you want, it seems obvious that she does not want the same thing you do, give it up.

[Jabba 18389]

Prescription for the good doctor:

Move on, don't call her anymore. It's not gonna go anywhere you want to be.

It sounds like she considers you as friend material only. She wants a bad boy doc. You're too nice.

 

Damn! I love ripping the bandage off.

 

Seriously?...I think it's done man. To her credit, and from your description, she was being up-front from the get-go and not trying to lead you astray about relationship expectations. Go with that at face value.

[Kubrickfan 12836]

drlove --

 

I agree that she, pretty unequivocally, stated her position, and now the onus is on you if you are looking for something more than that. So, right now, whenever you go out, her paradigm is friendship and nothing else. I saw you said you are willing to walk away, but you are interested in the friendship. Most guys have been in this position before in their lives, so you are by no means alone: "Jeez I like her, but she said so, but jeez I like her, etc. etc. etc."

 

To me, the question I would ask myself would be, "Am I happy in just a friendship relationship with this person, even if that never changes." Jabba may have a point here!

 

I kinda like roaminguy's idea of bringing the issue to a head, but I think you could do it without misrepresenting what's going on. You could say something like, "I'm going to sign up for a dating service" or something like that and see how she reacts. That might get you more "data points."

 

Good luck!

[oldblueeyez 15475]

If it's a sinking boat, does it matter if you rock it?

[SmartnSexy 2089]

I feel pretty terrible for the good doctor!

 

I've been in this situation before and let me tell you that nothing good comes of it. Even if you're telling yourself that you'd be ok with just having her as a friend, trust me you wouldn't. If she honestly doesn't want to date you and only wants to be your friend (credit to her for being honest about it early on) then ask yourself how you'd feel if you saw her with someone else.

 

Trust me, it hurts pretty hard.

 

I suspect the subconscious reasoning behind your desire to remain friends with her is that, as you said, she may eventually see the great guy that you are and realize her mistake. It's definitely possible, but usually not very likely. To be perfectly honest Julia's advice has been pretty much spot on and offers you a good compromise for your situation. Wait and month and then tell her how you feel. You're giving her the chance to see who you really are, you're giving yourself every opportunity to try and make it work and in the end, if it doesn't work you can tell yourself you tried. I'd submit that Emma's situation is different than yours. She and the gentleman mutually agreed that they should be friends, in your case it sounds a lot like you didn't have a choice in the matter.

 

Why not stick it out any longer? Because it will be that much more painful when she hurts you. And she will, surely not intentionally, but whether or not it was intended rarely matters. It still hurts, a lot. This is an act of emotional self preservation. oldblueeyes made a very good point, what if something out of her control happens? What if a new boyfriend says "lose the doc or I'm out!"? Do you think she'll chose her newly platonic friend or a romantic interest that she feels may go somewhere?

 

While I dislike looking at it from such a dispassionate perspective, what is there to gain from such a relationship? I know that relationships aren't about loss/gain, but sometimes when it's just about loss then you may be better off hurting for a little bit now than a whole lot later.