What is the most difficult thing you've ever had to do?

[spud271 47779]

I recently had to do the most difficult thing of my entire life and was curious to know what is the most difficult thing others have had to do?

 

My son as many know, has followed in my footsteps and joined the Royal Navy. In the fall he was informed that sometime in the New Year, he would be shipping off to the Persian Gulf. As someone who has served in war zones more times than I can count, being based on a modern warship is generally a pretty safe place to be. Yes accidents can happen, but it is certainly much better than being on the ground. Despite this, the whole scenario has been weighing heavily on my mind for some time. There is no reason for me to feel this way, the ship's Captain is a very good friend of mine and one of the best in the Royal Navy, but I find myself very stressed out!

 

About two weeks ago, the day came for him to ship out. I quietly flew home to see him off. It was a very odd situation for me. Usually when I see troops off, it's really no big deal. I know the risks, but I also know the odds of something happening. Yet, the day came and I must admit that I chained smoked like a fiend!!!! My son's mother and I had a long conversation the night before about it. She was clearly looking to me for strength given the circumstances. Outwardly I was strong for her, yet inside I just felt like crawling in a hole.

 

As they were boarding the ship, I was allowed on board to say goodbye in private with my son. Rank does have it's privilege at times. Once on board, I pulled my son aside to give him some words of wisdom. He quietly thanked me for my advice, and then that moment came to finally say goodbye for the next 6 months. We kind of looked at each other awkwardly for a couple of seconds...then a huge hug! I made sure to tell him to take care, and remember...his father loves him and always will. I noticed some of the other junior officers were watching, I told my son if they give him hard time about it let them know senior officers do have a heart, and care more about others than they use to. If they keep bugging him, I told him to use my line..."eat shit and die!"....HAHAHAHA!!!! Always have to laugh.

 

I now find myself constantly checking my e-mail for an update from him, wondering how he is doing. I've been on edge ever since that day and probably will be for the next 6 months, but being British means you will most likely see war more than once in your lifetime and everyone from there knows that. It defines who we are.

 

I want to know what is the most difficult thing you've ever had to do? I know to this point in my almost 41 years on this earth, this was the most difficult for me.

[antlerman 17064]

saying goodbye to my father on his last moments on earth.......i still feel to this day telling him i loved him.......and that he meant the world to me......and thank you for being my father........well....it never.......really felt like it was enough........

 

i miss you Pop.......

[LeeRichards 177238]

Similar to Antlerman....but was my Grandpa with whom I was very very close with ...... my parents and brothers were all away and he had a heart attack....I was able to spend the last couple hours with him and he was awake and coherent and we had a nice chat and he slowly drifted off at peace. He was the person that I got my sense of humor from :) Miss him dearly !

 

It was also very difficult phoning all of my immediate family members who were all on vacations and telling them that he had passed.

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

My mother laying in acoma was very very difficult for 8 weeks. I had to be strong when I was in the room with her. She was on breathing life support, and would notice that when I talked, or sang to her, her breathing would be from her and not the machine. It was amazing experience for the both of us, as she actually would respond to me and seems to recall me being there. She claims she can remember the songs I sang to her. it was so hard to see her so venerable and week. Laying there as her body was disappearing before my eyes. Luck she pulled through, and is stronger now.

 

The other time was having to leave a dog behind at SPCA....It still hurts to this day when I think of her, watching me as I walked away. I will never forgive myself for having to do that!

[Guest k**tyl****r]

signing a dnr for my mum.... it was what she wanted...

[roamingguy 300292]

Well a couple of things actually

First, a few years ago my father, who lived in the Maritimes, had a stroke. Hospitalized both he and his wife tried to minimize things, and asked my brother and me not to come out. Well the not knowing made things tough for us. We finally decided, about a day later to drive out...we didn't know what to expect, but expected the worst...wasn't as bad as expected but not good.

Second, my nephew, born premature, given six months to live. To hear a baby isn't even going to make it to one year old is heartbreaking. Fortunately, the doctors got it wrong, they made that call eight years ago, and this past Christmas got to buy Christmas presents for my nephew

Third. Mom seems philosophical about this. But I had to go with her to a End of Life Seminar, discussing things like DNR's, power of attorney etc.

Got a sister in law eyeing things when Mom dies :-( so I've got power of attorney...hate when people treat the death of someone as a chance to get property and money

And last, when my cat died on my lap...had him for eleven years, went from Sunday, playing like a kitten, to first couple days just tired, then Thursday lying down in the bathroom, peeing, and lying in his own urine, and Friday night, died on my lap. It was like losing a member of the family

RG

[Emma Alexandra 123366]

Sometimes the most difficult things we have to do are for the best. We don't want to do them but we know we have to. My example is calling the ambulance for my son who was experiencing psychosis...for years i had tried to get him help but finally the day came when i just had to call the ambulance knowing full well he would most likely have to stay in the hospital for a bit. He had refused to see docs here in Montreal. This was the only way i could get him help. Now he's home and back to himself..it's a wonderful thing. He's happy again and even thanked me. It was difficult to make the call because i wasn't sure if he would ever forgive me but now seeing him smile is the best thing ever.

[CristyCurves 169032]

Well this is a tough one but there have been 3 major and life changing moments for me that I still loose my breath over when I think of them.The first was going to my nephews funeral,he was only 6 months old when he died,I'll never forget looking at him in his little coffin,he looked like a little doll.But the hardest thing was watching my brother cry and listening to my sister in law scream for her baby,that is something you just don't get over.The second was when I had to put my precious little dog to sleep,before her time,she had kidney disease and withered away in a matter of months.I never thought I would get through the following days ,weeks and months,but I then found out my fathers cancer was teriminal and had to be strong for him.You cannot measure one hardship against another,they are all traumatic and life changing and yet a part of life,and life goes on even if you don't want it to .The best we can do is to live better for the sake of our loved ones and learn from them and cherish their memories.

[cometman 35115]

For me, it was a late night phone call from Ottawa last June telling me my sister was placed on life support due to cancer and would likely not last the night.We knew she had cancer (

), but assumed she had a few months to go and we had the summer to visit together. I made it to Ottawa the next night, she was still alive, but never emerged from the coma. She heard me talk to her, reacted to me so much they had to increase the sedative, and I spent six days with her. The most difficult thing I ever had to do in my life was leave Ottawa to return home without seeing her wake up. They took her off life support Canada Day, she woke up long enough to squeeze hands and hear people, and passed four hours later. She and I had a very close bond and it changed my life when I said goodbye. Thanks for the thread....it's good therapy to talk about these things.

[Dorinda Bloom 44036]

Agreeing to take my Mom off life support

 

Claiming My Independence

 

Saying good-bye to my Love fairly regularly

[mrgreen760 37785]

There are two:

 

Going to my Mom's hospital room in the middle of the to tell her that it was ok to just let go.....that we'd be sad....but we'd be ok. And she did.

 

Bathing my Dad when home care schedules were thrown off by holidays. Humiliating for him and embarassing for me. When we were done and I had followed all the steps he said there's one more thing.....she'll kiss him on the cheek....and so I did.

 

Both events made me the man I am.

 

Peace

MG

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

I'm currently trying to decide whether or not I should put down my 15 year old cat. He has mobility issues because of arthritis as a result when he was hit by a car 11 years ago. He has only been like this in the last month and the vet says he has incontinence issues because of old age. He is peeing in his bed and ends up sitting in it because he can't get to the litter box that I've moved closer to him. He is still eating, finds a way to still greet me at the front door and stays on one floor of my house mostly in his bed all day. I had to give him a bath today because he peed on himself and he actually liked the warm water. I wrapped him up and he's been in my arms purring ever since. I don't know if he's suffering in pain or if he's just winding down.. He's tried to get up off the sof and fell on his face as his legs are giving out. He is only 5.5. lbs and lost a lot of weight in the last month or two but is still eating. He is so bony. I don't know what I should do at this point? I also told myself once he stopped eating that it would be time. The decision to put him down is not because he's a burden to me because he's not but I just hope he's not in pain. I'm confused and sad...

[Surf_Nazis_Must_Die 8958]

Wow, seeing all of these heart wrenching posts hits very close to home. I can't believe i'm about to dredge this up... Sorry folks, it's going to be a long post.

 

When I was 19 my mother was diagnosed with cancer. It was frightening but not intensely so. She was always so upbeat and certain that it was just a "speed bump" she had to roll over, and that attitude kind of rubbed off on me I guess.

I realize now that she kept quite a few hard truths about her battle from me, otherwise I never would have left the province at age 21 for almost a year. She was so damned proud to see me branching out into a new, and life changing experience and she wasn't going to burden me with her own struggle.

Towards the end of my time away from home she called to tell me there was nothing else the doctors could do, and yet she insisted that I needed to stay and see my journey to a close. Good lord! even in her darkest hour, she was looking out for my sorry behind!

I agreed and waited impatiently for the day I could finally get on a plane and see my family again. The day finally came and I boarded what was quite possibly the longest flight in recorded history, all the while consumed with the thought of embracing my parents at the Winnipeg terminal. Quite possibly the worst sight of my life was rushing off the plane to find my father, standing alone and looking uncomfortable. He told me: It's bad kid, let's get home". My heart died a little at that moment.

My mother had collapsed the day before. In less than a year, she had gone from a healthy, upbeat woman with some "bothersome temporary illness" to a near skeleton who could no longer walk or even sit upright without assistance.

 

As I was the youngest, and biggest member of the family it was only natural that I should be the one who assisted with getting mom around the house...

I can't describe the feeling of having to carry the emaciated, chemotherapy battered shell of ones own mother from room to room in the home that she paid for and raised you in. My aunt and I were moving her into a more comfortable position in bed one night. She died in our arms. I will never wish that on any living soul.

 

Fuck me. I need beer. Good night.

[Reuben Sandwich 13841]

I guess my answer would be when my Mum changed from having general hallucinations which our family was told were related to poor eyesight and cognitive ability, to full out dementia and her requiring hospitalization.

Now we went from dealing with a mother who was confused at times but could be reassured, to a woman who would try do physical harm to you if she could just reach you and when she couldn't, would threaten to kill you.

What is fortunate when we had to deal with this situation is my Mum had the forsight to prepare for this type of circumstance in that she had designated powers of medical care and attorneys in our family so to mitigate the level of stress that would compound an already difficlut medical situation.

 

We knew what her wishes were and we had the power to see to them. For a time that power meant to have to use restraints on our Mum so she would not hurt herself or others. This is something the hospital has to receive permissiion to do, from a legal gaurdian.

 

That process to determine if she is fit to manage her won affairs is no fun either. In one sense you hope some mis-diagnosis has been made and she will pull through and return to her old self. On the other hand you're wondering, what if she fools the social worker into beliving she can take care of herself. How would we manage then?

 

It was a long process to settle her medications and get her into a long term care of our choosing, but I was fortunate other members of my family live in Ottawa and we could spare each other off and not have to carry on without support.

 

So what can be seen as a potentially stressful time can be also be looked upon in a positive way. I am closer to my siblings as we have worked through this. You learn what you can put up with in helping someone take care of their basic bodily needs, especially when you know she did it for you so many years ago. Also, you get to see how our society really has developed a decent care system to look after people who require continuous medical and mental support.

 

We have lost many faamily members to cancer over the years, my own father now 30 rears ago. These were very sad times but I"m not sure the way I see them as being difficult times. This is part of life.

I guess I sse the thread question being more about having to make your most difficult decision. So having to permit the use of restraints on our Mum as she pleads not to, was the hardest.

 

Thanks fo rthe chance to mention this. I'll be off to see her soon with a new pack of Werthers

[Guest jake_cdn]

Watching my Mother say goodbye to her dying son ... then giving the okay for him to be removed from life support systems and watching him die...

 

Seeing my Mother do this and sharing her grief was something that will haunt me forever.

[spud271 47779]

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has nominated my post, given rep points or just taken the time to read my post. I have found this entire experience very therapeutic. I feel much better than I did a few days ago, putting it all down on "paper" for the world to see was probably the best decision for me to make.

 

Thank you,

Spud271

[castle 38816]

Taking my Mom off life support. It was decision shared by my brother and I. But nonetheless it was the hardest thing I've ever, and hopefully will ever, have to do.

 

Quitting drinking

 

Breaking up with....but more importantly.....letting go of....the only woman I've ever truly been in love with. It was not something I wanted to do but even knowing that she would probably never forgive me I knew there was no other choice and that it was for the best. And remaining sober through that whole process was extremely difficult.

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

Losing a baby and watching 2 family members die right in front of you and having to bury them.

[mrrnice2 157005]

I was going to try to stay away from this thread but over the last 24 hours I seem to keep coming back to it, reading what others have said and empathizing with those who have shared their stories. What has ultimately brought me back here is the wisdom of Spud when he added his thought that writing and sharing is therapeutic, and truer words may never have been spoken.

Since joining CERB I have made references to my personal story, but never did speak about the one thing that was perhaps the most difficult for me to 'do'.

My wife, purely by chance discovered that she had a massive brain aneurysm. The doctors were amazed that it had not burst previously and she and I considered ourselves very lucky that it had been discovered, because there is in fact a 'fix' for it. The fix is a relatively new procedure, and we knowingly went into it being aware of the risks which were quite high with death and a debilitating stroke being the primary ones. It involved placing platinum wire coils the width of a human hair into the aneurysm in order to fill it and strengthen the walls of the blood vessel, and this is all done remotely without invasive surgery by feeding the wire through the blood vessels from the groin and all the way up into the brain.

We even joked about the end result - that she and I would be the bionic superhero duo, her with her platinum brain and me with my extra little bit of titanium that lets me walk.

The surgery did not go well. The three hour surgery stretched into seven hours before the surgeons came out to see me. I knew long before then that we were in trouble. The artery had ruptured above the aneurysm, in effect causing a massive stroke. By the end of an additional five hours in surgery three neurosurgeons were working on her.

In that interim period occurred the first of several things that I had to do that were the most difficult things I have ever had to do. That was to call two of my daughters who were in Ontario and BC respectively, to explain what was happening, and saying yes, you better come home, now.

Technically she survived the surgery and the surgeon tried to be positive with me that there was still a chance that with time and rehabilitation the woman that I knew might survive, but that she would be a very different woman from the one that went into surgery.

This brought a situation whereby for the second time in hours I had to do what was one of the most difficult things that I ever had to do. That was to respect her wishes and tell the surgeons that her wish and mine would be to not prolong her life if it was being maintained solely by use of extreme measures.

I still do not know if the staff protected my mental health by telling me that as the next hours progressed she deteriorated more to the point that they declared her brain dead or did they respect our wishes and allow it to happen?

The saving grace to this story, which I have written about previously, is that five people received organ donations and we have been in contact with several of them and they are doing well. Two other people who had been blind can now see.

Life can change in the blink of an eye and what may be my biggest and the hardest thing to ever do in my life is yet unaccomplished - to be able to accept, and live a useful life from here on out. That is a work in progress.

[cometman 35115]

There are some gut-wrenching stories here and I commend everyone for sharing. These things that bother us and shape us are what separate us from other species. The number of nominations and people commenting and empathizing speaks volumes as to the caliber of members on here. I have shared my story with some friends, but it's tough to do without getting emotional..easier to share with you people- my "bartenders". However, I find myself grieving for others on here as much as I did for myself a few months ago.

[Malika Fantasy 144625]

Having a miscarriage a couple years ago. I was pregnant up to 7 months, baby was healthy but a little bit small, the doctors weren't too concern...what they didn't see thought is that I was carrying not one, but two baby. The other fetus didn't developed but stayed in the same placenta as my baby which was nefast...The pain of the miscarriage was horrible...but the mental pain of loosing a little alive human was heart crushing...but learning that I had twins to start was soul crushing...but the hardest is that since it was an extremel brutal experience for my body...the chance that I can carry kids now are extremely low...this was soul breaking at the time.

 

Seeing my grandmother slowly die. She was diagnosed with bladder cancer and about 6 months later it started to become an invasive cancer...so she was put in a "last resort house" I don't know how to say it in English...a place for terminal patients.She was there for 27 days. At first I didn't go see her for the first 10 days as I was out of the country...and she was barely ever awake...dying slowly each day...not talking, barely moving...when I said hi gramda, it's Malika...she hug me for 5 minute straight...she didn't do that to anyone (also at this time of my life it was REALLY hectic and she was aware of it)...

 

Also she never had any alone moments, not even for 2 minutes with the nurses, my family sleeping over...if someone needed to go to the bathroom they would call a nurse to watch her over...at some point I stayed overnight...and one night it was almost midnight, I was going to bed...I told her..."grandma...I am going to the bathroom...if you want to leave alone...you can go. I love you"...I didn't call a nurse...so theorically she was alone for the first time in 27 days...and she left. She left herself die during the 2 minutes where she was alone.

[Phaedrus 209521]

Well, there's some tough reading here.

 

I have to say, reading the things people have posted here has made me realize - again - how inordinately lucky I've been up to now. I really can't think what the hardest thing I've ever had to do is, and the big reason for that is that life has never thrown anything really hard at me. I'm profoundly grateful for that.

 

To everyone who's shared their experiences - thank you. I can't say that I have much of a clue about what you've been through, but I hope that if nothing else, being able to write these things down and share them is cathartic.

[roamingguy 300292]

There are some gut-wrenching stories here and I commend everyone for sharing. These things that bother us and shape us are what separate us from other species. The number of nominations and people commenting and empathizing speaks volumes as to the caliber of members on here. I have shared my story with some friends, but it's tough to do without getting emotional..easier to share with you people- my "bartenders". However, I find myself grieving for others on here as much as I did for myself a few months ago.

 

Cometman you are right. This is more than a board, it's a pretty great community, where we all feel pretty comfortable sharing with one another...we are collectively each other's bartenders

RG

[mrgreen760 37785]

I'm always curious about responses to these types of stories or my story both here and in my civilian life. Sharing online is anonymous and for some likely easier and the nature of the internet for me in reality it creates a delayed gratification as it were. I much prefer sitting in front of someone while sharing these kinds of things. The reaction is instant as the eyes are the windows to the soul. Some times it's shock at the openess I have about my emotions which is bi-product of my experiences. My mom and dad stories to me aren't tragic, sad yes but not tragic they both had good runs, my sister at 44 and my cousin at 34, one with teenage daughters and one with a 4 year old and a 2 year old that they left behind, to me those were tragic. I felt it all, anger, sadness, loss, despair, frustration and at one point emotions that were totally out of my control and almost animalistic. And I wouldn't hope it on my worst enemy but in some ironic way I've been blessed. I've had my mettle tested and I survived. It's what allows me to be unafraid to be emotionally naked and vulnerable in front of any one. I do respect how hard it can be for most....

 

Peace

MG

[Aspen Wilde 31370]

I feel so much compassion for those who have shared their stories in this thread. So many of these trials are difficult for me to imagine. But what I do understand is that we all struggle. Everyone knows pain. Everyone could tell a sad story. I think the act of sharing these is very powerful.

 

My pain has been largely internally generated. One of the hardest but best things I ever did for myself was to admit that I was struggling with mental illness. You could call my particular demons depression and anxiety. I had to, and continue to have to reassure myself that this doesn't mean I'm weak or pathetic, and to fight the messages my brain is sending me- self destructive thoughts I no longer believe, but that I generate anyway. Fighting mental illness- like most other illnesses- is incredibly exhausting. It can feel like your brain is against you, when logic tells you one thing but your emotions are louder. It's hard but necessary work.

 

Even now I hesitate to post this, but I'm telling myself that my story is important too. Partly it's the fear of stigma around mental illness. Many people do take it as a sign that you are broken or damaged somehow. But the silence and shame around this issue is part of what makes it so much harder for people experiencing mental illness to seek help. 1 in 5 Canadians will experience mental illness in their lifetime. That's not small potatoes.

 

It's important for me understand that even though I sometimes go through bouts of feeling like hell, I'm still a complete person. Someone worth knowing, with fabulous insights and exuberance and love to share. This particular kind of trial doesn't define me. I am much more than my pain. I wanted to share this for the others on this board who have similar experiences. Because sometimes it's incredibly hard to move forward and face your pain when shame and fear of appearing weak confounds your already confounded brain. But mental illness doesn't make you weak, and the process of healing can make you understand how incredibly strong you really are.

 

This thread humbles me. It reminds me of exactly how much moxie us humans can conjure when we need to. Much love and thanks to everyone who has shared- and to those who have not, as well.