Oh no! Cheating husbands!?!?!??

[roamingguy 300292]

Well I'll throw in my thoughts on the subject, with the caveat that I am single, and not looking for a relationship. I find the ladies I see in this lifestyle enrich my life, why would I change? I will also add that when I was dating, I was monogamous, not because that is right, but because it is the right choice for me I will also add that the two women I was capital S Serious about (one a fiance, one was leading to a common law relationship) well cheating came into the picture, not me, them. And the consequences of their cheating, well my fiance became pregnant with another man's baby, but thought we could still get married, and the other woman couldn't understand that she couldn't see me and the other guy at the same time.

I think it is dangerous to impose one's own personal beliefs regarding fidelity on others. No one knows another person's relationship, that is a private matter between husband and wife, or boyfriend/girlfriend. And monogamy is but one form of relationships, there are polyamorous relationships. And if in a relationship, and the wife for sake of argument refuses to have sex. She has a right to no more sex, but does she have the right to deprive her husband of sex. One thing about seeing escorts while married, the emotional connection isn't as great a risk as if the husband has an affair with a woman, which can lead to strings, and the possibility of the marriage breaking up

Some quick ramblings

RG

[Boomer 33202]

I think there's a bit of a flaw in your reasoning, and that revolves around your initial commitment to a spouse or partner. If I remember when I married I promised to love, honour and obey. So I would suggest that the first act of cheating is taken quite deliberately, and can't be viewed as a remedy for our failure to hounor our commitment. Most of the time it's down to a failure to put in the hard work into maintaining a health relationship. I also think that most women intuitively know when their partner is unfaithful, but are pragmatic enough to look the other way. When you are caught I think you have to man up and accept the consequences head on, and, maybe you can reconcile. But at the end of the day, I don't think you can blame it on a cultural bias that guys cheat or that it was your way of sparing your wife of having to perform, and so felt you had to go else where.

 

Yes, back in the day when I was married I did occasionally step out. I believe my wife had a feeling about it because she at one point told me in no uncertain terms what would happen if I was ever caught. I took the risk now and then, but was very careful. I know how devastating it would have been if I had been discovered, and have a number of regrets about how I acted. Today as a widower I am much more at ease with this life style, and am probably a lot less likely to commit to another partner because I would have to abandon this hobby.

[CristyCurves 169032]

I think it's all about maturity,self control.Everything we do is a choice,wether we are pushed,pressured,in the end we still decide,we make the choice to cheat or not to cheat.

[roamingguy 300292]

I should intersperse a thought here, really no one on this board should be critical or judgemental of anyone's (not saying anyone is) choice insofar as seeing people outside their marriage/relationship. I'm sure there are a great many married guys on CERB, and there are some ladies who are SP's/MA's who are married but their husbands might not know their livelihood

We are all here for valid reasons, and it's not up to us to judge someone else's reason for being here

As I see it anyway

RG

[backrubman 64800]

I should intersperse a thought here, really no one on this board should be critical or judgemental of anyone's (not saying anyone is) choice insofar as seeing people outside their marriage/relationship. I'm sure there are a great many married guys on CERB, and there are some ladies who are SP's/MA's who are married but their husbands might not know their livelihood

We are all here for valid reasons, and it's not up to us to judge someone else's reason for being here

As I see it anyway

RG

 

Thanks RG. Yeah, probably my fault, I wasn't trying to spark a debate on the morals of cheating (although that's fine if one wants to comment on or debate it).

 

...when I married I promised to love, honour and obey.

 

Yeah, and my wife is very disabled, medically unable in several ways (hopeless) and nags me to "see someone", "get a girlfriend" or "go see a working girl" (her term not mine) so to "love, honour and obey" this is what I must do :)

 

However, I was really asking about once the decision has been made (for what ever reason) is this not the kinder, gentler way than an emotional love affair? and wouldn't it have less impact if discovered? And isn't it preferable to toying with some innocent girls emotions? and how do SPs feel about married men? Do they care? Do they even think about it? Do they notice the wedding band? But my questions are even much more complex than that (thus the length) and for that I apologize. It is quite deep with lots of moving parts but I didn't see to cheat or not to cheat as part of it. Perhaps I didn't do a good job posting the original question(s).

 

I know the answers I get are only as good as the question I ask and how clearly I ask it.

[Andee 220524]

As an SP do you care (at all) if the client is married? r.

 

I have no issue with the client being married. In fact, most of my best clients are the married ones. They come to see me of their own accord. Many have admitted to me they love their wives but aren't getting certain needs met at home and don't want to have an affair and don't want to break up (mostly due to the kids).

 

I have heard the term "sexual surrogate" used by some SPs to describe what we do and I think that's what we are. And if, by coming to see me that client's needs are met that aren't otherwise being being met, then perhaps that will make him a better partner, husband, father, friend, etc. and that makes it better for everyone.

 

The client is not only paying for my "services", he is also paying for my silence. I believe I save marriages, not ruin them.

[roamingguy 300292]

Thanks RG. Yeah, probably my fault, I wasn't trying to spark a debate on the morals of cheating (although that's fine if one wants to comment on or debate it).

 

 

 

Yeah, and my wife is very disabled, medically unable in several ways (hopeless) and nags me to "see someone", "get a girlfriend" or "go see a working girl" (her term not mine) so to "love, honour and obey" this is what I must do :)

 

However, I was really asking about once the decision has been made (for what ever reason) is this not the kinder, gentler way than an emotional love affair? and wouldn't it have less impact if discovered? And isn't it preferable to toying with some innocent girls emotions? and how do SPs feel about married men? Do they care? Do they even think about it? Do they notice the wedding band? But my questions are even much more complex than that (thus the length) and for that I apologize. It is quite deep with lots of moving parts but I didn't see to cheat or not to cheat as part of it. Perhaps I didn't do a good job posting the original question(s).

 

I know the answers I get are only as good as the question I ask and how clearly I ask it.

 

Don't worry BRM, wasn't bashing or critical. But sometimes these threads might veer off into a moral debate. And, at least in my opinion, arguments on fidelity, monogamy, etc shouldn't be brought up here, only because everyone here to the "outside mainstream" world is guilty of, for lack of a better word, sinning. When it comes to discussions of fidelity/monogamy etc, CERB really should be a judgement free zone

RG

[backrubman 64800]

Don't worry BRM, wasn't bashing or critical.

RG

 

No worries, wasn't taken that way at all, your input is always greatly appreciated oh great wise one. I seek only to gain some of your wisdom.

 

But sometimes these threads might veer off into a moral debate. And, at least in my opinion, arguments on fidelity, monogamy, etc shouldn't be brought up here, only because everyone here to the "outside mainstream" world is guilty of, for lack of a better word, sinning. When it comes to discussions of fidelity/monogamy etc, CERB really should be a judgement free zone

 

Again very wise. I did say in my OP "I would be the last to judge them for it" and I certainly agree in principal that this site should be judgement free but if one posts something advocating something illegal or just plain reprehensible I think they will have to be prepared to be judged. In that case, I even respect that some people (particularly single) might think cheating on your spouse is reprehensible (maybe they are very religious). I could even accept that as their view point (not mine), but I'd just say it is lot less reprehensible then a messy, emotional, full on love affair. And that's more the contrast I was asking about and also do SPs save marriages, no question they do in some cases. Do SPs ruin marriages, no! She is clearly blameless. People do that perhaps by seeing an SP and then it becoming known to their SO, but is the impact of an SP indiscretion less? etc.

 

This was going to be a "comment" on your post but the site wouldn't let me :)

[Carrie Moon 68826]

I agree with Angela. But while I don't care whether a client is married or not I actually get turned on sometimes by a wedding ring.. one of my favorite clients whispered something in my ear one day that blew my mind. 'When I'm with my wife I think about you'.. it got me sooo hot.

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

I want to say first, that I congratulate your deep contemplation on this subject. As many will DO without thinking about it first, questioning your motives, and seemingly very attentive to those around you. I see you are very loyal to your marriage in the way of support and obligation, I hope Love as well? I assume you indeed love your wife, but love for you may not be all that you seek??

 

So the answer to the question..."is this better than getting involved with messy emotions, or lies to some young girl?" I think you already know this answer, but need validation. In my opinion, YES IT IS!!

 

BUT.....you need to feel good at the end of the day, good about your life and that you are being true to yourself! Weather or not you are a hobbyist or SP or MA, you need to be happy with your decision first. If you do it with shame and guilt, IT WILL EAT AT YOU IN THE END!

 

Have I saved marriages? YES, I think I have.( I have never had an angry spouse call me yet, and have not heard from a client being caught ...yet) As many whom I have spent time with have never said they were ever caught.

 

I have seen men come to me in complete break down mode, feeling so bad about themselves as a man. Perhaps their wife is a new mother, has no desire? Perhaps they are ill? Perhaps she is having her own affair? Perhaps they have entered a new change in a mature life? Perhaps it is the man who needs an ego boost? But as a spouse, I think it should be looked into as to why? Are you still making love to your wife???

 

Whatever the reason, THIS HOBBY IS NOT A CURE, BUT A WAY TO GET THROUGH IT! Perhaps this is a phase that you need to explore? Just always be very careful, as you stated.......you will never leave her, but will she leave you if caught?

 

Always be mindful of what your limitations, mindful of how your hobby affects your home life. Make sure your hobby does not take away from the love you have from your family and home life!

 

I hope I have answered or validated something for you, as this has been my experience and testimony from years of experience and observations. I my self am not married. Not sure If I will be, but..........I know at the end of the day, I am happy and satisfied with my path in life:)

[Kate von Katz 49953]

I'm just going to throw in that although men get pinned as being the bigger cheaters, time and time again, statistics show women cheat more.

 

I don't care if other people cheat, but in my own relationship (when I have one) we usually discuss polyamory. Many of my friends here in Ottawa are poly. And it IS NOT the same as being a swinger.

 

It is basically having more than one relationship. Not just sex on the side, but a friendship, too. It doesn't work for everyone, though, as the tradition of monogamy is too deep in many people's minds. (Ergo the guilt when we are not monogamous.)

 

In a polyamorous relationship, rules are set up. Such as: always use protection with other partners, many polys like to meet their partners partner, rules on time allowed to be spent with the other partner (This is a big one, as too much time away from the primary relationship can cause a lot of tension).

 

As long as you're spending the majority of your time and romantic energy with your primary (spouse), then its often overlooked that you have other things on the go (SPs). So guys, keep the romance alive in your primary relationship. Bring home some flowers for your wife just because. Make a reservation to her favorite restaurant and go for a good old fashioned date. Make out like teenagers. If she doesn't feel threatened, she'll be a lot less likely to notice your other activities.

Posted via Mobile Device

[ulixestrojan 3757]

Everyone cheats. We all have a personal fudge factor. On taxes, speeding, diets, marriages, bosses, on everything.

 

We all do it in one way or another. If you deny it, you are kidding yourself.

 

Now, the question is: how not to cause harm?

 

For instance, my wife knows about my massages and visits to strip clubs. She likes to hear the stories. It keeps our relationship hot. She does not like my visits to SPs. It is very intimate in her opinion and despite our having a ten year poly relationship she still gets her hackles up. I see SPs very rarely. Instead, we both maintain play relationships with select people.

 

We all have ways of making it through life. No one gets out alive. Enjoy what you have.

[Athos 108589]

I think there's a bit of a flaw in your reasoning, and that revolves around your initial commitment to a spouse or partner. If I remember when I married I promised to love, honour and obey. So I would suggest that the first act of cheating is taken quite deliberately, and can't be viewed as a remedy for our failure to hounor our commitment.

 

well, I think the important parts in that vow are love and honor. The "obey" part really has no place in a modern relationship, but if we want to be traditional I think that was something the woman had to vow to the man, but not vice versa.

 

I see SPs. But no one can say I don't love and honor my wife, and after 25 years you also can't say there isn't huge commitment. I've committed to spending my life with her until I die. Nothing about seeing an SP alters that.

 

Porthos

[Guest ****ven]

I would say that most of my clients are married. Seeking some kind of companionship to fill some kind of need. Sometimes it is only sexual. As humans we have many sexual urges that can't always be met within the restrictions of a monogamous relationship.

 

I prefer actually seeing married men. They are there for the "help" I have to offer them and their marriages, meeting the needs that the wife can't accomodate, or doesn't want to do. A little help to keep the real love part of the relationship ship healthy when the human sexual cycle has evolved beyond the relationships sexual capacity.

 

Did that make sense? I've been reading too much Foucault lately I think.

[Athos 108589]

It strikes me that one of the issues is conflating commitment with sexual monogamy. Sexual monogamy has become defined as the single most important element of a relationship and the primary, if not only, indicator of commitment. It seems to me that there are so many other dimensions of commitment that this doesn't necessarily make sense.

 

This is why to many of us seeing an escort is much more acceptable than an affair, precisely because the affair raises the possibility of undermining so many more elements of the relationship, whereas a visit with your SP can more easily be limited to the physical dimension.

 

Porthos

[fortunateone 156618]

It strikes me that one of the issues is conflating commitment with sexual monogamy. Sexual monogamy has become defined as the single most important element of a relationship and the primary, if not only, indicator of commitment. It seems to me that there are so many other dimensions of commitment that this doesn't necessarily make sense.

 

This is why to many of us seeing an escort is much more acceptable than an affair, precisely because the affair raises the possibility of undermining so many more elements of the relationship, whereas a visit with your SP can more easily be limited to the physical dimension.

 

Porthos

 

 

This is my point of view on this issue. I feel that the husband who spends lunch hours in deep emotional conversation with a co worker, and takes time away from his SO and family after work with that person (no sexual contact whatsoever) is much more of an erosion of the married relationship than that same guy taking an hour every couple of weeks to see an sp for a quick tuneup.

 

I think somehow that sexual monogamy is supposed to be the benchmark of all relationships, but yet there are swingers, bi women who get married, bi men who get married, and polyamorous groups, and so on. There doesn't have to be 'one way' for a marriage to work, and if it works because someone has sex with a person not their spouse, then why argue with something that works?

[Athos 108589]

This continues to be a thought provoking thread. Regarding seeing an SP versus having an affair, this raises all sorts of interesting questions.

 

I've done both. Early on, when I was feeling sexually frustrated in my marriage, I had an affair with a co-worker. She was in a different city, and we only saw each other when business required travel to the same locations. I thought this would be sufficient distance to keep things "emotionally safe". It didn't and this resulted in a huge emotional strain ... both for me and the person I was having an affair with. It almost seemed inevitable that emotions became involved attraction and lust became affection and what ... love(?). There was always the possibility that it could be more ... that it could become a "real" relationship, and that caused huge problems. Although my SO never found out (although that too was a close call), the guilt I felt nearly tore my relationship with her apart. I vowed I would not do that again.

 

Now, in terms of seeing SPs, I do not feel guilty, and it allows me to keep my relationship with my SO healthy and intact. That's not to say that I don't feel anything for the SPs I see. Of course I do. I hold them in the utmost respect, I genuinely like and admire them, and I consider the very best of them to be my friends. I tend not to see a lot of SPs, and frequently go through long periods of time seeing only one. But the difference is that we are both very clear on the parameters of the relationship and its purpose.

 

Affairs carry with them the possibility of a world of hurt. Seeing your favorite SP, only a world of pleasure!

 

Porthos

[KrisC 100]

I would say that most of my clients are married. Seeking some kind of companionship to fill some kind of need. Sometimes it is only sexual. As humans we have many sexual urges that can't always be met within the restrictions of a monogamous relationship.

 

I prefer actually seeing married men. They are there for the "help" I have to offer them and their marriages, meeting the needs that the wife can't accomodate, or doesn't want to do. A little help to keep the real love part of the relationship ship healthy when the human sexual cycle has evolved beyond the relationships sexual capacity.

 

Did that make sense? I've been reading too much Foucault lately I think.

Yes! A reference to Foucault! Ahh, I am at home..

 

I think the tone in these answers say even more than the words. Obviously the intent when going to SPs isn't to harm an SO, and the SPs themselves seem really understanding about married clients. I agree that, from the SPs I know, visiting a lady (or ladies) can really help a marriage that is suffering purely because of a disconnect in sexuality. With that pressure taken off, who knows what can happen!

 

If only this didn't have to be secret, eh? Ah, one day.

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

Imo, I find that is is better for men to see an escort than to have a physically and emotional affair which can be damaging to the family unit as a result. The majority of escorts do not fall in love with their clients and vice versa so for someone to visit a professional will not infringe upon a husband and wife and whatever bond they have with one another.

 

Most of my clients comes to see me and we do not engage in any conversation that is too personal and I prefer it this way. I don't know 100% if they're married or not but it's none of my business anyways and I expect the same in return. They walk away happy which means I'm happy.

 

We offer an invaluable service and while I'm not sure if it can actually save marriages, it may inadvertantly help them. And if you're going to do this, you sure as hell better not be foolish enough to get caught! lol.

[zorobaby 4121]

Coming from a younger point of view, i am not married, but i am in a committed relationship or a few years. I personally don't find that seeing sps or mas is being unfaithful, there are certain things that the woman i am with chooses she isn't comfortable doing so i choose to go every so often and get my fix (per say), and it helps my relationship last.

 

Ive personally had to deal with a cheating spouse from a few years ago... her nick name was bakers dozen from a few of my friends, and thats just the ones she told me about. The fact that they were all within the last 2 years of our 6 year relationship (as far as i know), hurt a lot more because she sprung everything on me at once, and i realized how much resentment she had because i couldn't keep her "happy". When i started this hobby i started to think... if she had been seeing an sp, it may not have been so bad... going out once a month or every other month (like i do) to get her "fix" wouldn't have hurt me as much as her starting and ending a minimum of 13 other relationships.

 

So this might be a little naive since I'm young and haven't really experienced much, but i think that sps and mas can be healthy for a relationship rather then a hindrance, at least more so then starting other relationships with other people behind your SO's back.

 

Zoro