Cara Silver 32412 Report post Posted April 9, 2012 Does anyone know why people do this? Someone in my life is giving me the silent treatment. It's something they do all the time. It's so painful and feels manipulative. I always end up begging them to talk to me and giving in to what they want because it hurts so much having them write me off. but then I feel played and resentful. How do you deal with it? How do I get them to understand just how wrong this behaviour is? It's so passive aggressive and shaming. I always end up feeling sub-human. Am I the only one to have someone like this in their lives? merci beaucoup..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CristyCurves 169032 Report post Posted April 9, 2012 Does anyone know why people do this? Someone in my life is giving me the silent treatment. It's something they do all the time. It's so painful and feels manipulative. I always end up begging them to talk to me and giving in to what they want because it hurts so much having them write me off. but then I feel played and resentful. How do you deal with it? How do I get them to understand just how wrong this behaviour is? It's so passive aggressive and shaming. I always end up feeling sub-human. Am I the only one to have someone like this in their lives? merci beaucoup..... I am sorry I don't have the answers as to why, but can relate to the frustration, as I have dealt with this type of behavior,my mother does this to me from time to time,she gets angry with me and stops talking to me for weeks,months at a time.I guess it's how some deal with their anger,I am usually the one that gives in,because wouldn't it be awful if something happened to one of us in the midst,really all one can do is give in ,if you want to continue communication,or decide to remove them from your life,so it won't reoccur,I am sorry you are going through this. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
backrubman 64800 Report post Posted April 9, 2012 (edited) How do you deal with it? How do I get them to understand just how wrong this behaviour is? It's so passive aggressive and shaming. I always end up feeling sub-human. Am I the only one to have someone like this in their lives? merci beaucoup..... My wife is disabled and suffers from chronic pain, so she is often cranky and largely I have learned over the years to over look this from my understanding of and compassion for what she goes though every day. But every so often she gets mad at me (and I never know why) and I get the silent treatment for a few days. Used to bother me much more than it does now. This always resolves itself after a couple of days and when she does start talking to me again she is no longer mad at me and it seems can't even remember why she was (thus I never know what I did, if anything, to cause this). When it happens I just (these days) look at it as an opportunity to catch up on my work, or even an opportunity to come and go without having to say a word about were I am going or when I might be back. A couple of times I ended up wishing it had gone on another day or two so I could get even more work done. This may sound callous but it is very disrespectful when you refuse to talk to your partner and won't even tell them why and I always feel bad about doing the same to her until she comes around, but if I don't (tried that) it just goes on longer. Oddly a few days later when we inevitably kiss and make up she can't remember how it all started and I had no idea to begin with. I think it is childish behavior and it is really not part of my being to respond back in-kind with equally childish behavior but after much trying other things, it's all that I've been able to find that eventually "works". I'll never figure this one out so I have learned to adapt. Edited April 9, 2012 by backrubman Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
roamingguy 300292 Report post Posted April 9, 2012 I also don't have answers, but maybe a person hates arguing and fighting, and sometimes in the heat of an argument either worried about saying the wrong thing, that can't be taken back, or feels that he/she can be manipulated and lose the argument/fight. The silent treatment is an alternate to an argument. Had an ex g/f that did the silent treatment and she knew why, I didn't. Instead of contacting her begging her to talk to me, I just waited till she was over it and contacted me...she would do the silent treatment sometimes, but hated it when no one talked to her...her silent treatments were short lived Just a thought, don't know if I'm right or wrong But on a lighter note, posted this yesterday http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=86472 RG Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest N***he**Ont**y Report post Posted April 9, 2012 My ex used to give me the silent treatment for a brief time. It was a signal of the storm to come! I always dreaded that feeling of impending doom! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest W***ledi*Time Report post Posted April 9, 2012 I've always interpreted the silent treatment as a manipulative tool to exert power over the victim. It's meant to demonstrate superiority, and it's bullying and emotional abuse. (Note: This is different from silence used as a temporary cooling-off period.) I can't speak directly to spousal situations, but I can to situations dealing with friends (many long years ago). My approach is to tell the perp - "Talk to me when you're ready". Then I stop trying to initiate conversation. Every so often I'll make a casual comment (not in any way related to anything controversial between us), but not in a way that indicates a response is expected or needed from them - sort of a "free" (non-emotionally charged) opening for them to respond and re-normalize relations. But I don't play the game. Life's too short to not speak your mind and move on. It's of course impossible to speak to any specific situation without knowing the facts - but if this is a repetitive pattern as you say, and you wish it to stop, then ask them to stop this behaviour. Tell them that it upsets you. Then more or less leave the ball in their court by treating them as I mentioned above. The responsibility is ultimately theirs. I can't guarantee that this will work by getting a bullying friend "back" - sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. But it will work in short-circuiting the emotional abuse. At a certain point enough becomes more than enough. For your emotional health. Who needs it? With friends like that ... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest s******ecan**** Report post Posted April 9, 2012 the "silent treatment" is a passive-aggressive behaviour. The person weilding it is being aggressive but because it is passive (ie no shouting insults, threats etc) they can retain a false sense of "taking the high road". There is also a sense of power that comes from essentially making the target seemingly cease to exist by ignoring them "ie you're dead to me". Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mrgreen760 37785 Report post Posted April 9, 2012 As a younger person I was the classic avoider in my personal life and a confronter in my work life. So if I was given the silent treatment I would end of avoiding the situation or person and in some cases just moved on (hard to do with family). As I've gotten older and realize that life is so short, the oppostite seems to be happening. In my work life I've much more passive and less confrontational unless there is a very good reason and I'm no longer as passive in my personal life. I think it's important to let people know how their attitudes and actions affect me. If it's something I'm doing...please tell me, I may not be able to change what I've been doing but minimally I'll know why it's bothers the person and we might come to an understanding or truce. Getting people to open up can be extremely difficult for a variety of reasons. I'm excellent at it and though the spade work can be hard in the end it's been quite rewarding. If they're worth keeping, keep trying and if not you can at least know you tried. Peace MG Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rickkkm 525 Report post Posted April 9, 2012 it is passive-agression but for it to work, you have to feel the agression in the sense that your friend needs to see that.......simply act as if it doesn't happen and it will stop...if you bite it will continue......jealousy is often at the core..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kate von Katz 49953 Report post Posted April 9, 2012 Did you do anything to warrant their cold shoulder? You say that it's a friend doing it, so could be you crossed a line somewhere. If you are absolutely certain that you did nothing that could have ruffled their feathers, then odds are this person is hardly a friend worth keeping as this is classic passive-aggressive/avoidance manipulation. Sadly, many lack the emotional maturity to talk things through, and instead clam up and fester. (I've seen this with clients I've refused, I've seen this with parents, friends, and boyfriends.) Whatever the issue is there's three things that will clear it up (if both parties are willing). 1) Always make sure the other person knows what's expected in terms of behavior. 2) Make sure you extend the same courtesy you ask for. 3) Keep communication open, but don't use it as a weapon. If they don't want to talk, then don't bother with them because they are obviously more interested in their own emotional drama than with actually solving the problem. We constantly tell people how we want to be treated. By staying in this relationship, you are telling them you are okay being treated this way. Just make sure people know what your expectations are otherwise you're not giving them a chance to meet them. I find this to be especially true in this industry. Posted via Mobile Device 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Athos 108589 Report post Posted April 9, 2012 I think begging the person to reopen communication is the wrong approach. It validates their position that you did something wrong, without having the opportunity to actually have a discussion of each person's feelings. As others have stated, it is highly manipulative, passive aggressive and designed to make you feel inferior in the relationship. It only works if you come back pleading for her/him to resume your friendship. I'd say very calmly to the person: "Look, I've clearly done something to upset you, and if I did I'm sorry. When you're ready to talk about it I'd be happy to discuss it. Just let me know when you're ready." And then walk away. Be prepared to wait, because this strategy has worked for the person in the past and they won't give up being in the superior position for equality easily. But, having said that, good friendships are always based on equality. Just make sure you're clearly indicating that you are leaving the lines of communication open and that the next move is theirs. I had an ex-girlfriend years ago who would get mad and storm off. I'd follow, begging her to stop and talk about the issue. Right out the door she would go. Later, when we'd talk she'd say I didn't come after her. I'd say, sure I did, right up until you left the building. She'd then tell me she stopped 20 feet outside the building and turned around, but I'd given up, and if I'd really cared I would have kept going. I told her, well, if you cared, you would have been willing to talk the first time I asked, not after I had to go through a humiliating public show of following you through a crowded building as you stormed off. For obvious reasons, an "ex" girlfriend. Porthos 3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
roamingguy 300292 Report post Posted April 9, 2012 Well, what did you do to warrant their cold shoulder? You say that it's a friend doing it, so odds are you crossed a line somewhere and they just can't be bothered with you at the moment. No, that was probably not what you wanted to hear, but think about it: their reaction was caused by an action. Until you figure It out and rectify it, I suspect their non-communication continues. Admitting fault doesn't mean you are a bad person. It shows you are genuinely interested in personal growth and emotional maturity. If there's a chance you said or did something that they disapprove of, make amends and don't do it twice. As SPs we give the cold shoulder to clients who rub us the wrong way, harass us, or who in some other way have displayed behavior we don't tolerate. Is it so hard to fathom maybe you were the perpetrator of some behavior that irked your friend? If you are absolutely certain that you did nothing that could have ruffled their feathers, then odds are this person is hardly a friend worth keeping. We constantly tell people how we want to be treated. By staying in this relationship, you are telling them you are okay being treated this way. Just make sure people know what your expectations are otherwise you're not giving them a chance to meet them.Posted via Mobile Device You make a good point. And there are always two sides to a story. But how are you supposed to know what you did wrong warranting the cold shoulder if the other person won't tell you. Communication is much better than non-communication IMHO RG Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kate von Katz 49953 Report post Posted April 9, 2012 RG: I re-edited that after realizing it may have sounded... Cranky. Not saying this is the case, but oftentimes we overlook our own contributions to these sorts of things. What's that saying? We're always the hero of our own stories. Don't get bogged down in the immaturity of blame, because it is ALWAYS shared. Instead, disengage and stop playing the co-star of the drama. Posted via Mobile Device Additional Comments: It's not just highly emotional people who add to the drama. Dramatics require a cast and an audience. Just because you're not in a starring role, doesn't mean you're not involved. Posted via Mobile Device 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cara Silver 32412 Report post Posted April 9, 2012 Thanks for the responses, everyone. This person gets really mad at me fairly often and says something so hurtful I end up crying. It feels like they're trying to 'fix' me because it's always about how I 'should' live my life. They seem to hold me to a different standard than they hold themselves. I'm not perfect- definitely not perfect, Emerald! ;)- but I always end up feeling like I 'should' change myself in order to get this person back. The silence feels like a super mean way of getting me to say 'You're right.' I've started to censor myself in regular conversation because I'm afraid of eliciting this dreadful silence. Oy. :( Probably time to walk away from this person but there's alot of love there. 3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kate von Katz 49953 Report post Posted April 9, 2012 No, hun. It's absolutely, definitely time to walk away. By staying you are giving her permission to treat you this way. But we've all been there, in one way or another, and it doesn't matter what anyone said or did, we only see the truth when we're good and fed up with the excuses, justifications and dismissals. Bottom line: if anyone makes you feel bad, they're not worth your company. Redeeming qualities can be found in anyone if we look hard enough. But that's not always enough to stay involved with them. Posted via Mobile Device 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Athos 108589 Report post Posted April 9, 2012 No, hun. It's absolutely, definitely time to walk away. By staying you are giving her permission to treat you this way. But we've all been there, in one way or another, and it doesn't matter what anyone said or did, we only see the truth when we're good and fed up with the excuses, justifications and dismissals. Bottom line: if anyone makes you feel bad, they're not worth your company. Redeeming qualities can be found in anyone if we look hard enough. But that's not always enough to stay involved with them. Posted via Mobile Device Totally good advice. I stayed with my ex a long time, always trying to change who I was, until I realized that she wasn't going to change. While i'm not perfect, I never received an apology for the tantrums, silent treatments, etc. The change was all supposed to be me! Years later (like 15 years later) we got together for dinner. Had a good talk. I did get an apology, and we're now quite good friends. Porthos Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest S****r Report post Posted April 9, 2012 I hear you! I have someone who has been doing this to me lately and I so do not understand it. I would so much prefer he just tell me what the problem is so we can deal with it! I think next time I will try what someone else here said: tell him "talk to me when you are ready." But it hurts, doesn't it? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Boomer 33202 Report post Posted April 9, 2012 There are a number of good suggestions here for dealing with this sort of behaviour. The problem with giving in the first time is that they have found success, and will repeat using this tactic. So, however hard, you have to break that cycle by simply telling them that you won't put up with it. Give them a taste of there own medicine, and hope you don't have a stale mate. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LeeRichards 177238 Report post Posted April 9, 2012 Thanks for the responses, everyone. This person gets really mad at me fairly often and says something so hurtful I end up crying. It feels like they're trying to 'fix' me because it's always about how I 'should' live my life. They seem to hold me to a different standard than they hold themselves. I'm not perfect- definitely not perfect, Emerald! ;)- but I always end up feeling like I 'should' change myself in order to get this person back. The silence feels like a super mean way of getting me to say 'You're right.' I've started to censor myself in regular conversation because I'm afraid of eliciting this dreadful silence. Oy. :( Probably time to walk away from this person but there's alot of love there. Well Amelia...this makes me sad :( I haven't met you but you seem like such an intelligent, happy, vibrant and fun young lady who loves to live life to the fullest !! Kinda just like me...once you take the "intelligent, vibrant and young lady" part out of the equation ;) Sooo after saying that....as I believe you are an upbeat and happy person.....being criticized, fielding hurtful comments and accusations regularily and expected to live up to "someone elses standards" and then given the silent treatment....well I just don't see that as being "YOU" Amelia. I have been there years ago .... it wasn't "ME" so I returned the silent treatment and we both moved on. Family is family, friends are friends, lovers are lovers......but this is your life and just go out and live it sweetheart !! It's your life ! Now that may or may not have made a lick of sense...been out working in the strong winds all day ...I could be out of balance ;) heh heh You deserve to be happy AM ! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fortunateone 156618 Report post Posted April 9, 2012 One good piece of advice I heard on a talk show once was: It takes 1000 'attaboys" to undo the damage of one mean spirited remark. It seems to be good advice. AM your friend would need to unlock lips and start finding things to praise and compliment about you in order to undo the damage of illplaced advice, imo. Being a non-confrontational person myself, what someone else might interpret as the typical passive=aggressive silent treatment might just be someone walking away from an argument, saying something they might regret later, and/or just how they learned to deal with anger or frustration. Different people are raised different ways. Sometimes you see it in a simple thing like a sneeze. Do you notice how some people say something and others do not? Are you ever surprised when someone does the thing you are not used to in your own family or circle? I know I am lol. And that is a simple thing. Perhaps your friend comes from a family where that silence was the typical way to deal with things. Sometimes it comes out of anger or resentment or a genuine belief that there is no point saying anything because the person you are talking to isn't listening. But if this is the way they deal with their own frustration, that is their issue, not yours. If they wish to retreat, let them. You don't have to chase after them, you don't have to pester them and give in to that whole dramatics deal. Just back away, do your thing, see what life is like without them around for a while. Eventually they will come back and wonder why you didn't chase after them this time. The only one you can control is yourself. That person isn't communicating? OH well, carry on and get on with your own life, imo.. 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phaedrus 209521 Report post Posted April 10, 2012 Oh, if there's one thing that annoys me, it's the silent treatment. I tend to just say, "OK, talk to me when you're ready," and leave it at that. The ball's in their court, and I can get on with my life. It's tough when it's a SO who's doing it, but I've found life generally improved when they work out that it doesn't work (or, conversely, if you discover that life without talking to them is actually quite bearable :) ). Of course, it's necessary to distinguish this from putting a temporary kibosh on a disagreement to allow tempers to cool. In that case, I find it much better to say something like, "I'm not prepared to discuss this right now; we can talk about something else if you'd like, and we can return to this this evening/tomorrow/whenever". But then you have to make good on that; if you don't, there's precious little difference with dishing out the silent treatment yourself... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cometman 35115 Report post Posted April 10, 2012 Oh, God.......the silent treatment. Frigging drama......life is too short, so move on. Silent treatment is a game I have no time for. If the other person wants to get over it, good enough. I'll ignore it like it didn't happen..........once or twice. If it persists, they can find somebody else to practice on. I'm not an uncaring brute, but ST suggests that it's my fault and, if it isn't, I'm old enough not to take blame that is not mine. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Icebreaker 3938 Report post Posted April 10, 2012 I had an ex-girlfriend who tried her best to perfect this game (which in her case it was and a surefire way to know it was not something I did but rather a deflection of something she did). As Commetman said when I didn't take the bait, she all of a sudden became ready to discuss the matter reasonalbly. I've gotten the silent treatment from others and it was not the same game playing as above. In these cases it was more of a cooling off period and again the issue was discussed shortly thereafter (I'm not saying that the imposed silence was not tough to take in some cases but at least there was always light at the end of the tunnel). All that to say it all depends on the intent of the person applying the silent treatment as to whether or not they mean it to be harmful or not. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
backrubman 64800 Report post Posted April 10, 2012 Oh, if there's one thing that annoys me, it's the silent treatment. I tend to just say, "OK, talk to me when you're ready," and leave it at that. The ball's in their court, and I can get on with my life. It's tough when it's a SO who's doing it, but I've found life generally improved when they work out that it doesn't work (or, conversely, if you discover that life without talking to them is actually quite bearable :) ). Oh so wise Phaedrus (as usual). After much anguish it is truly the only way I have found to deal with this when it happens (and with my SO I still never know why). Yes there are more polite ways and I've tried so very many over the years but when it happens it will go on for weeks (as opposed to days) if I don't do as you suggest ("OK, talk to me when you're ready,") and go on with my life almost with a right back at ya attitude. I really feel bad when I do this but I have come to know through much trial and error that it is the only thing that works so I just do that and go on a vacation from the relationship for a few days. I really wish I could rise above this but clearly I haven't found a way that works. Very helpful thread as it helped me understand a lot more about the dynamics of this even if I don't have a better solution from it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Carrie Moon 68826 Report post Posted April 10, 2012 I agree with most of the answers here... I just had an idea though! When a loved one is giving you the silent treatment... go out and have fun with other people who are uplifting.. laugh alot and if that's not possible get on the phone with others who make you iaugh... especially if you happen to be in front of the offending person. They will realize their icey shut-out is a lot less fun to play and want to join in on your fun. 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
