Is seeing an SP "cheating"?

[Narman 117]

I'm interested in hearing others opinions on this. My view of it is that since hiring an SP doesn't require the emotional investment it is at least "less" like cheating. Am I simply rationalizing my "mis-deeds", or is there a difference?

 

I've been thinking about this for two reasons. One of them stems from a conversation with an old friend of mine. His very long term girlfriend/"wife" is suffering from gynaecological issues that effect her ability to have, and her desire for sex. This is something that has been on-going for quite awhile. They are a really open couple, and have had group sex etc. on a few occasions in an attempt to satisfy his urge for vaginal sex. Apparently this was going quite well for them up until a year ago when they started having all these issues with the woman they'd been fooling around with. She (the third) turned out to be interested in a more formal thing like a "real relationship", but the real problem is that the situation turned them (especially the wife) off of the idea altogether. So after a year of no "sex" he's grown bored with BJs (I personally can't imagine), and can't seem to bring the situation around. He's a good looking guy and could probably pick up if he wanted but he feels guilty about it all. I talked to him (briefly) about seeing an SP, or maybe even talking to his wife about either him, or both of them seeing an SP. He seems to think that it wouldn't fly, and he has concerns that are actually the opposite of mine. He thinks it's a greater "offence" to pay for it than to meet someone the "regular" way. I am torn, but I respect his opinion, though I think it's tied up in a moralist view of prostitution.

 

The second issue concerns me. I've been seeing a particular gal in a professional relationship for over a year. We really started getting along and for the last few months we've been seeing each other outside of this relationship. Mostly little dates and that sort of thing. Our relationship kinda switched before Xmas. I drove her around to do some shopping after an appointment. Since then we've hungout whenever I'm in town. She started getting offended if I try to pay her after, and actually insists on paying for dinner etc. This all is great and I really like this girl, but it has definately caused some issues with my view of the relationship with her and if it's "ok". My own relationship is open in the sense that we both agreed that sex (safe!) was ok, but "relationships" aren't. We've both strayed before on this but have always thought it was a bad idea to get too involved and have ended it since we feel it would have a negative effect on our relationship. So as much as I like hanging out with the SP, it seems "wrong".

 

Anyway this is sort of a long post, but I'm interested in anyone's views/opinions etc. on any of this. Thanks in advance.

Cheers,

Narman.

[etasman2000 15994]

My own relationship is open in the sense that we both agreed that sex (safe!) was ok, but "relationships" aren't. We've both strayed before on this but have always thought it was a bad idea to get too involved and have ended it since we feel it would have a negative effect on our relationship. So as much as I like hanging out with the SP, it seems "wrong".

 

The simplistic answer is if it seems 'wrong' to you then it is. This is Your moral compass telling you something is out of kilter.

 

Each of us would like give different valid opinions based on our background, culture, expectations, circumstances, agreement and understanding with our SO and even betrayal.

 

Ultimately you understand best how this relationship effects your home life and you are responsible for the outcome. i.e. no matter what we convince you do to we won't be the ones taking the after effects.

 

Peace

[E.D. man 691]

If u have discussed it with your partner and she says yes its not cheating. If u haven't discussed with yr partner it maybe. If you have discussed it with yr partner and she said u can't it is cheating.

[caveman 147]

I suggest not worrying about whether or not the label "cheating" applies, and just determine if you feel that you're doing something wrong. Like etasman says, it's your moral compass and like the rest of us, you need to make your own decision on where your compass is pointing.

 

The next part is an expression of my moral compass, and is not intended to be a judgement on anyone else's choices. This is what feels right for me, and I know it won't match up with others' decisions.

 

I'm single right now, so seeing a provider doesn't bring up the same moral quandary, but I believe that if I was in a relationship with someone, I would not be seeing a provider without my SO's knowledge. That is, my SO would either know about it (and be OK with it), or if I felt the need to see a provider without her knowledge, I would take that as a signal that it would be time to end the relationship. I don't believe it's possible to completely separate the physical and emotional aspects of sex, particularly if you're seeing the same provider repeatedly.

 

Of course, there are all kinds of extenuating circumstances that should make this an option to discuss, i.e. to stay in the relationship while still seeing an SP. The example of your friend is certainly one of them. But I believe it should still be done in the open.

 

All of this comes down to how we view our relationships. I look at a committed relationship as including a bond of intimacy that would be violated by seeing an SP in secret. However, I know that other people have different views of what a relationship really is, so I think it's up to each of us to make this decision for ourselves. Just be sure to actually make a decision that's well thought-out (with the big head :) ) so you don't face regrets or guilt later.

[Guest W***ledi*Time]

My view of it is that since hiring an SP doesn't require the emotional investment it is at least "less" like cheating. Am I simply rationalizing my "mis-deeds", or is there a difference?

 

As a general rule, the answer is in you. Ask yourself: "Am I comfortable telling my SO everything?" The answer to such a question will always trump any collection of intellectual rationalizations.

[d*mm*y 887]

As the other gentlemen have pointed out it is the way the relationship is structured. My current wife was to be my "settling down" wife, she is an incredible cook (Really and she has the certificates to prove it) She has an amazing sex drive and an incredible body and natural beauty (that costs a lot more to maintain!!) and I thought I was ready to settle down.

 

Having said that she has laid out some ground rules;

a) no porn ever, porn = cheating = divorce

b) no strip clubs, strip clubs = cheating - divorce

c) no looking at other women (not really cheating but gets me in deep dudu!)

d) the sunshine girl and looking at women in bathing suites and women's underwear even in a catalog or news paper is inappropriate.

e) no nudity allowed on the TV or rented DVD's (she was very angry that I was watching the sopranos because of the topless club scenes)

 

soooo my reality is that I still love several women I have had long term relationships with and I believe that I have the capacity to love more than one person. The tricky part is to set up the dynamics of all this to keep everyone happy. The easy thing would be to say sorry wife #3 gotta fly and move on, but she has done nothing wrong?

 

Ya I cheat, but I don't know how to get out of it, I don't want to loose the relationships I have with other people that mean so much to me. And I don't want to leave my wife hanging.

 

For me it is not a question of, is it cheating if? It's how to get of this crazy thing!!

 

Anyone need a perfectly good wife? Cause that is the one piece I could live without, then I would not be cheating!!!

[Fumble Fingerz 120]

This is such an interesting topic. Clearly, we all come at this issue from different perspectives and I can only give mine. My wife has suffered from a number of gynocological related issues over the years which coupled with some hormonal changes due to menopause pretty much put the end to my matrimonial sex life as I knew it. Additionally, my wife is the type of person to tell me, "If you don't like it, get out of the relationship but I get everything!" This has been her philosphy with this matter and many other things over the years. She did tell me some time ago that she didn't care what I did and with whom so long as I don't bring home any buggies. The past five years have consisted of me walking around on eggshells due to her being premenopausal and now finally after a year of her going through it (mood swings. sleeplessness and chronic hot flashes) she is now finished with it. She's sleeping well and her mood is more stable...still no desire to have anything to do with me in the bedroom, however. I used to ask what I had done in the past or what I could do to better the situation, but was always told the old, "It's not you it's me." It's been more than 10 years probably closer to 13 years now since there was any form of intimate contact between us. I have been caring and supportive of her nonethless and have never demeaned her or criticised her about it. The adage, "sex is the glue that binds a relationship" is accurate in my case as I now have little attachment to her emotionally. Throughout our relationship, she has used sex or lack thereof as a weapon and as a means of control along with the threat that I get nothing should the marriage end. That said, do I feel that my seeing an SP as cheating? In my case, definitely not. Some people would say otherwise I'm sure, perhaps even my wife. Can one die from a lack of sex? In a word, no. But a relationship sure can. My seeing an SP occasionally is self-centred and is justified (in my own mind). Would I tell my wife about it? No, however I think if she found out she would be more understanding than what I give her credit for...just a feeling on my part. Forcing celibacy on someone who you are supposed to love is a catalyst to driving him or her into the arms of another (temporarily or permanantly).

[Narman 117]

This is exactly what I'm looking for guys. I'm interested in knowing how different people work seeing an SP into their relationship with their SO. I know everyone is different and it all really only matters what each individual thinks of their own situation, but it's good to hear other perspectives.

[dirkgently 1778]

Boy, I thought my life was complicated...

 

Basically I'd agree with the others, its cheating if you (and/or your partner) think its cheating. Then the decision is whether or not it is worth the risk.

 

Life is what you make it. You get to define what is right for you.

[Fumble Fingerz 120]

I don't have the stats on hand unfortunately, however it's my understanding that sexless marriages are not all that uncommon so my situation and that of your friend are not rare. It happens. I don't blame my wife at all in this either as she is generally a good person, however she has refused to seek out any form of medical or psychological assistance and she has no intention of helping herself or our relationship. That, she has made abundently clear, at least, to me anyways. Unfortunately, I find I question my self-worth because of it.

 

 

This is exactly what I'm looking for guys. I'm interested in knowing how different people work seeing an SP into their relationship with their SO. I know everyone is different and it all really only matters what each individual thinks of their own situation, but it's good to hear other perspectives.

[caveman 147]

...my wife is the type of person to tell me, "If you don't like it, get out of the relationship but I get everything!"

 

FF, just because she says that doesn't mean she's entitled to it. I'd recommend you talk to a lawyer (discreetly, of course) to find out the real state of things. I of course don't know everything that's gone on between you, but it doesn't sound like she's being very reasonable about your needs.

[Fumble Fingerz 120]

She can have quite a caustic tongue. My enquiries with a lawyer some time ago revealed that she can't nor is entitled to take everything. My needs have never been of any concern to her in recent years. I don't mean to sound bitter or angry about this as I'm merely telling it as it is from my perspective. She has hers as well. I have no doubt that the marriage will end which I find sad as we've been through a lot together. Thanks for your input...appreciate it.

 

FF, just because she says that doesn't mean she's entitled to it. I'd recommend you talk to a lawyer (discreetly, of course) to find out the real state of things. I of course don't know everything that's gone on between you, but it doesn't sound like she's being very reasonable about your needs.

[d*mm*y 887]

Canadian divorce law will not her take it all no more than it would let you take it all, if you want out don't let her nasty and unenforceable threat scare you.

 

This is such an interesting topic. Clearly, we all come at this issue from different perspectives and I can only give mine. My wife has suffered from a number of gynocological related issues over the years which coupled with some hormonal changes due to menopause pretty much put the end to my matrimonial sex life as I knew it. Additionally, my wife is the type of person to tell me, "If you don't like it, get out of the relationship but I get everything!" This has been her philosphy with this matter and many other things over the years. She did tell me some time ago that she didn't care what I did and with whom so long as I don't bring home any buggies. The past five years have consisted of me walking around on eggshells due to her being premenopausal and now finally after a year of her going through it (mood swings. sleeplessness and chronic hot flashes) she is now finished with it. She's sleeping well and her mood is more stable...still no desire to have anything to do with me in the bedroom, however. I used to ask what I had done in the past or what I could do to better the situation, but was always told the old, "It's not you it's me." It's been more than 10 years probably closer to 13 years now since there was any form of intimate contact between us. I have been caring and supportive of her nonethless and have never demeaned her or criticised her about it. The adage, "sex is the glue that binds a relationship" is accurate in my case as I now have little attachment to her emotionally. Throughout our relationship, she has used sex or lack thereof as a weapon and as a means of control along with the threat that I get nothing should the marriage end. That said, do I feel that my seeing an SP as cheating? In my case, definitely not. Some people would say otherwise I'm sure, perhaps even my wife. Can one die from a lack of sex? In a word, no. But a relationship sure can. My seeing an SP occasionally is self-centred and is justified (in my own mind). Would I tell my wife about it? No, however I think if she found out she would be more understanding than what I give her credit for...just a feeling on my part. Forcing celibacy on someone who you are supposed to love is a catalyst to driving him or her into the arms of another (temporarily or permanantly).

[Fumble Fingerz 120]

It will happen Dummpy, but I've decided to let it take place on my own terms and own time...I have my reasons. In the meantime, the occasional rendez-vous with a lovely lady will, at least, reinforce the fact that I still have a pulse and testicles!

[d*mm*y 887]

It will happen Dummpy, but I've decided to let it take place on my own terms and own time...I have my reasons. In the meantime, the occasional rendez-vous with a lovely lady will, at least, reinforce the fact that I still have a pulse and testicles!

 

Nice!!! you know it ^5 hehehe

[esoterica 624]

It will happen Dummpy, but I've decided to let it take place on my own terms and own time...I have my reasons. In the meantime, the occasional rendez-vous with a lovely lady will, at least, reinforce the fact that I still have a pulse and testicles!

 

Hey man... use it or lose it :grin:

 

Welcome !

[Guest f***2f***]

She can have quite a caustic tongue. My enquiries with a lawyer some time ago revealed that she can't nor is entitled to take everything. My needs have never been of any concern to her in recent years. I don't mean to sound bitter or angry about this as I'm merely telling it as it is from my perspective. She has hers as well. I have no doubt that the marriage will end which I find sad as we've been through a lot together. Thanks for your input...appreciate it.

 

Well this is a familiar scenario for me. Mine has come to an end after 27 yrs, most of it good, but the last few have been pretty skimpy on the intimacy. I rediscovered my testes last year and had a ball with a few lovely ladies to give them some exercise. Wife found out a few weeks ago due to my carelessness...as I have said to dummpy...probably it was my sub conscious desire to move things to conclusion.

 

She certainly regards it as cheating and we are done.

We're in the lawyer stage and hoping to do a collaborative approach with a clean split of assests and liabilities...so far so good.

 

I agree with her it is cheating. I gave away my affections to one who is not the one I promised to love, honour and obey (maybe we left that part out but I seem to have done a lot of obeying ha ha) and be faithful to until death do us part. I took a vow, I broke it.....it's cheating!

 

Do I regret it? No....our relationship has been dying a slow death for years...the black and white vow I took wasn't working and I broke it...my bad.:twisted:

[PistolPete 61421]

That is unfortunate igotaboner, when you state no regrets, due to the relationship dying a slow death for years, I guess couples get so out of tuned with 1 another in their home life that sex is not part of their 27 years of marriage.

 

Not getting "any" at home is considered in my books as you being "cheated" as well.

 

You are correct you bad..cause you took the vow, but all relationships always should 50/50 including the why did this happen in the 1st place?

 

May your splitsville be reasonable to both parties

 

my 2 cents worth:wink:

[Guest i***k***]

Short answer: Not if you're single! :)

[Fumble Fingerz 120]

Igotaboner:

 

I hope you are able to come to a fair and reasonable settlement in this. Best of luck to you in this process. No doubt I will be following in your footsteps or somewhat so in the future.

 

 

Well this is a familiar scenario for me. Mine has come to an end after 27 yrs, most of it good, but the last few have been pretty skimpy on the intimacy. I rediscovered my testes last year and had a ball with a few lovely ladies to give them some exercise. Wife found out a few weeks ago due to my carelessness...as I have said to dummpy...probably it was my sub conscious desire to move things to conclusion.

 

She certainly regards it as cheating and we are done.

We're in the lawyer stage and hoping to do a collaborative approach with a clean split of assests and liabilities...so far so good.

 

I agree with her it is cheating. I gave away my affections to one who is not the one I promised to love, honour and obey (maybe we left that part out but I seem to have done a lot of obeying ha ha) and be faithful to until death do us part. I took a vow, I broke it.....it's cheating!

 

Do I regret it? No....our relationship has been dying a slow death for years...the black and white vow I took wasn't working and I broke it...my bad.:twisted:

[stevebarnell 100]

Good Thread. My two cents in that, like most things, it isnt as black or white as we'd want it to be. People & relationships (or marriages) evolve and chage over time. I do not think that I am the same person I was when my wife met me, and I know she is not either, and thats probably a good thing. For me, I have secrets that I keep from my wife and at the end of the day (provided they all follow me to my grave) we are both better off for it. Ignorence is indeed bliss.

 

To answer your question however, damn straight seeing an SP is cheating.

 

-S

[capitalman 3861]

Well I have an opinion, just like every other asshole I guess....here it is. I think all this commitment "till death do us part" and vows and stuff is all horseshit. We're not built for that sort of thing. It's religious propoganda and we've all been brainwashed to believe it.

[caveman 147]

I think all this commitment "till death do us part" and vows and stuff is all horseshit. We're not built for that sort of thing. It's religious propoganda and we've all been brainwashed to believe it.

 

I can't say anything about "till death do us part", but we are actually built for monogamy--the evidence of that is how dependent a newborn is on its parents for survival. We've evolved to pair up, procreate and raise the kids until they're old enough to defend themselves (and themselves get with the procreatin'). And back in pre-civilization days, there was no such thing as a "single parent"... :-)

 

However, what we're "built for" is kind of irrelevant now that biological imperatives no longer run our lives for us (at least generally speaking). It's our choices that make the difference now.

[spud271 47779]

personally, and this is very surprising...i have never cheated on a woman and have no intention of doing so. i have only seen sp's when i am single or in an open relationship. however, i have never passed any form of judgement on any who sees an sp while in a relationship, as everyone does things for diffirent reasons in life and that is their buisness and none of mine.

[corona 265]

I think it has more to do with respect than with religion. We know that some people have no respect nor morals.