May/December Romances

[roamingguy 300292]

I know in this lifestyle there is an aspect in some cases of May/December, older gentlemen seeing younger ladies. But it is an encounter, mutual respect, no strings...not a established relationship/marriage

But what is your take on May/December romances?

From some personal experience (someone I know, not me) I can't say I'm a fan. A person I know left his wife after 24 years of marriage (he was 55 years old at the time, she was 56) to move in with a lady who was 31 years old. Sounds from a guy's perspective, great. Well now he is 84 years old and in poor health. She demanded he marry her, that they not just live C/L. And in his Will, well now she and her children are beneficiaries, his kids written out (btw they didn't disown him or nothing like that, but they were written out so she and her kids could be written in) And why did he do this, because of failing health, he needs someone to take care of him, and scared she'd leave him if he didn't change his Will

I don't know if this is the case with all May/December romances. But there is a time when age differences do matter. For example a 15 year old dating a 25 year old. But a 30 year old dating a 40 year old, well not such a big difference, nor 70 year old with a 80 year old. But a 30 year old with a 50 year old, not a big deal, but when it becomes a 80 year old to a 60 year old, that age difference is bigger.

Just wondering what other's think

RG

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

This saddens me greatly:(

 

Love is LOVE...but come on!! Really??

 

I do understand, that if she has been there faithfully for him, but May to Dec?....not cool!! But in time or with true love.....then yes a certain amount would be nice for her and her kids....but to unwrite his own????? wow!

 

I am 37 and I am with a 50 yr old man, if he ever told me that he was unwritting his own family for my sake I would say it was UNACCEPTABLE by me!

 

I would never put him or his family threw something like that. And if he did without my knowledge, I would do right by him and divide it up!

 

If he is a good friend to you, I hope you have given him a heads up? Although may be tricky, and needs tackfulness, might be good.

 

Best wishes on this tricky situation!

[MightyPen 67414]

You just can't say for sure -- every relationship is unique. All have their risks. In this case the difference in age becomes one particular factor, sure, but it's just one dimension of the relationship that has to be managed. It doesn't particularly spell doom.

 

The kind of thing you're describing is a power imbalance in the relationship, and that's a very common situation. In the case you describe you can see that it's about age immediately, but other relationships have their own imbalances -- one partner is sexier than the other, wealthier than the other, more confident, smarter, outgoing, wiser, has a better family or more friends... you get the idea. The world is full of people who will do foolish things to keep a partner they perceive as more powerful -- giving away assets, dropping friends or family, moving somewhere they don't want to, or having the proverbial relationship anchor-baby.

 

Power imbalances don't have to doom a relationship though, provided both partners are grown-ups, emotionally secure, and know what they're getting into. A common solution is that minor imbalances in a few different areas just average out well (he's good at THIS, she's good at THAT).

 

The unique problem with the age thing is that it's a ticking bomb that doesn't fully express its costs until time has passed. The way we perceive our lives and our ability to live them well changes as we age, and the couple will always be at least a little out of synch. So yeah, huge potential for stress and misery if it's not handled well. Harder the bigger the age difference, and also if one of the partners is young or simply immature when making the decision.

 

But... there's a lot to be said for caring for the one you love despite those differences, and however today requires of us. Both people just need to be mature and honest and choose to be together with their eyes wide open. After all, even a partner who's the same age or younger can fall seriously ill long-term, and that produces a similar dynamic... but two caring people can still make THAT relationship work.

 

It's impossible to dismiss the relationship just because their ages are different. Yeah, it's a thing, but it just needs careful thought and management, just like a lot of other potential obstacles.

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

You just can't say for sure -- every relationship is unique. All have their risks. In this case the difference in age becomes one particular factor, sure, but it's just one dimension of the relationship that has to be managed. It doesn't particularly spell doom.

 

The kind of thing you're describing is a power imbalance in the relationship, and that's a very common situation. In the case you describe you can see that it's about age immediately, but other relationships have their own imbalances -- one partner is sexier than the other, wealthier than the other, more confident, smarter, outgoing, wiser, has a better family or more friends... you get the idea. The world is full of people who will do foolish things to keep a partner they perceive as more powerful -- giving away assets, dropping friends or family, moving somewhere they don't want to, or having the proverbial relationship anchor-baby.

 

Power imbalances don't have to doom a relationship though, provided both partners are grown-ups, emotionally secure, and know what they're getting into. A common solution is that minor imbalances in a few different areas just average out well (he's good at THIS, she's good at THAT).

 

The unique problem with the age thing is that it's a ticking bomb that doesn't fully express its costs until time has passed. The way we perceive our lives and our ability to live them well changes as we age, and the couple will always be at least a little out of synch. So yeah, huge potential for stress and misery if it's not handled well. Harder the bigger the age difference, and also if one of the partners is young or simply immature when making the decision.

 

But... there's a lot to be said for caring for the one you love despite those differences, and however today requires of us. Both people just need to be mature and honest and choose to be together with their eyes wide open. After all, even a partner who's the same age or younger can fall seriously ill long-term, and that produces a similar dynamic... but two caring people can still make THAT relationship work.

 

It's impossible to dismiss the relationship just because their ages are different. Yeah, it's a thing, but it just needs careful thought and management, just like a lot of other potential obstacles.

 

All true, and thoughtful post...but what about writting out your own kids?? That is where this becomes more than age difference:(

[Guest W***ledi*Time]

I'm certainly no expert on relationships, but it seems to me that all sorts of relationships work for some folks, and not for others. And all sorts of relationships work for a while, but not forever.

 

Any time you get a marriage break up, followed by another marriage, with children of two families, you've got complications and potential for hard feelings. These complications are there no matter the age difference (or lack thereof) amongst the various involved parties.

 

I don't know the details of who's in the will and who isn't. If the 2nd wife's kids are younger than the 1st wife's kids, or their financial circumstances are not as solidly established, there may be a rationale for greater financial consideration for them, other than crass manipulation or favouritism. Or there may not. Again, these complications and demonstrations of unfairness or perceived unfairness can arise irrespective of age differences between the spouses.

 

By my math, RG, the person you know has had a 29-plus year relationship with his second wife, so something must have been going right there somewhere - and for a very long time!

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

I'm certainly no expert on relationships, but it seems to me that all sorts of relationships work for some folks, and not for others. And all sorts of relationships work for a while, but not forever.

 

Any time you get a marriage break up, followed by another marriage, with children of two families, you've got complications and potential for hard feelings. These complications are there no matter the age difference (or lack thereof) amongst the various involved parties.

 

I don't know the details of who's in the will and who isn't. If the 2nd wife's kids are younger than the 1st wife's kids, or their financial circumstances are not as solidly established, there may be a rationale for greater financial consideration for them, other than crass financial manipulation or favouritism. Or there may not. Again, these complications and demonstrations of unfairness or perceived unfairness can arise irrespective of age differences between the spouses.

 

By my math, RG, the person you know has had a 29-plus year relationship with his second wife, so something must have been going right there somewhere - and for a very long time!

 

 

For sure, as I said earlier....yes if she has been there for that many years, then yes would only be prudent to leave some for her....I may be confused, for some reason I though she and he only met may - Dec???

 

yes if many years have gone by, and she has been living with him...

 

cant say without knowing kids ages like WIT pointed out, but I know it would not be a nice day for all when discovered dad left all to other kids and wife:(

[MightyPen 67414]

All true, and thoughtful post...but what about writting out your own kids?? That is where this becomes more than age difference:(

Yup! That's crazy and it's one of those dumb things I mentioned people do in relationships.

 

I was answering Roamingguy's more general question ("what is your take on May/December romances?"). As for the specific example of THAT relationship -- yup, it's definitely one of those cases were the people involved got it seriously wrong. And now the guy and his kids are paying the price.

 

I'm just saying that it's not a lesson about age differences -- it's a lesson about power differences. Age is just one form. I can't based on RG's example condemn all May-December relationships.

[Guest W***ledi*Time]

... I may be confused, for some reason I though she and he only met may - Dec??? ...

 

Sophia, "May - December" is a figure of speech, which compares lifespan to a figurative calendar year. "May" means "Young", "December" means "old". So a "May-December Romance" really means a relationship between two folks who are considerably different in age from each other.

[roamingguy 300292]

Well some additional information. First, over the past 7-8 years his (then c/l) now wife, became more focused at least to outsiders, on the Will etc than on a loving relationship, at least from my (and some others) vantage point. As for being in for a relationship for a long time...true, but maybe as he got older he may have been too scared to leave and she saw the monetary benefits to staying. Also, this wonderful marriage, his kids weren't even invited to the wedding (a small affair), her's were. His kids didn't even know about it till after the wedding, when they got a wedding picture.

As for him and her. Both were in very well paying jobs, have a good pension,

life insurance etc. His kids written out so she and her kids get more. And when his kids written out, it also meant his one son, who has a child, also written out. He wrote his own grandson out. And her kids are in the same age range, and have jobs. They aren't hard up money wise.

RG

[MightyPen 67414]

Well, yeah, that's certainly a messed-up relationship. Not sure what else anyone could say with that information. Did you expect anyone to disagree? :)

 

But I'd still warn against drawing conclusions from this and extending them to all relationships with significant age differences.

 

I remember having an argument with someone I otherwise respected quite a lot because she insisted "all bisexuals are arrogant, sociopathic assholes!". When I disagreed strongly and pressed her on it, she revealed it was because she'd known one guy who was a) bisexual and he was b) an arrogant, sociopathic asshole. We had the "correlation is not causation" argument, but she never could let go of her conviction.

 

A case does not a rule make.

 

EDIT: Hee hee... just makes me think of my favourite "logical fallacy" discussion. Not at all related to this discussion, but...

[mrgreen760 37785]

I have a May/December romance every few weeks or so :) I'm quite immature so it tends to works out well.

 

Peace

MG

[Boomer 33202]

I'm now a senior and some of the issues surrounding this thread have relvance for me. I've made no secret that I'm widowed, for seven years now. One of the issues I struggle with is whether to actively persue another long term relationsamhip. Rather selfishly I do look at women that are a bit youger than I, and mainly as an issue of possible care. I am quite comfortabble as far a money is concerned, so protecting that is important. There are many ladies who are approaching their golden years who don't have the resources for a comfortable retirement and do look at hooking up and establishing a relationship to provide a comfortable retrement.

 

As for the situation described here, obviously she feels she has put in the years and feels she has earned her cut, and he hasn't had the foresight to accept and plan for the consequences associated with his choice. Sadly, if his kids feel badly done by, you can see the lawyers earning a lot of money in litigaton. Based on the limited information there seems to be a distorted balance of power at this time in the relationship.

 

So, I'm quite happy having fleeting chances to spend time with some nice ladies I've met here.

[roamingguy 300292]

I'm now a senior and some of the issues surrounding this thread have relvance for me. I've made no secret that I'm widowed, for seven years now. One of the issues I struggle with is whether to actively persue another long term relationsamhip. Rather selfishly I do look at women that are a bit youger than I, and mainly as an issue of possible care. I am quite comfortabble as far a money is concerned, so protecting that is important. There are many ladies who are approaching their golden years who don't have the resources for a comfortable retirement and do look at hooking up and establishing a relationship to provide a comfortable retrement.

 

As for the situation described here, obviously she feels she has put in the years and feels she has earned her cut, and he hasn't had the foresight to accept and plan for the consequences associated with his choice. Sadly, if his kids feel badly done by, you can see the lawyers earning a lot of money in litigaton. Based on the limited information there seems to be a distorted balance of power at this time in the relationship.

 

So, I'm quite happy having fleeting chances to spend time with some nice ladies I've met here.

 

His kids (not to mention grandson) don't feel badly done by because they were counting on his money (they both are doing ok money wise) but they feel bad that her kids (also doing ok money wise) took precedence over them. Not to mention she told him to write her family into his Will and write his kids (and grandson) out of the Will

RG

[loopie 15358]

I don't think age differences matter in general.

 

Roamingguy brings up the issue of health problems, and that seems to be true in the case he describes, but one's health can go wrong at any age. So the older person can just as easily end up taking care of the younger person. I know a couple, the man is 50 and the woman is 30, but it's the woman who has constant health problems as is basically bed-ridden while the man is very healthy.

 

I also thought the whole idea behind marriage was that you were devoted to this person in sickness and in health etc. If you want a relationship that has no downsides and no sacrifice, then marriage is not for you.

[roamingguy 300292]

I don't think age differences matter in general.

 

Roamingguy brings up the issue of health problems, and that seems to be true in the case he describes, but one's health can go wrong at any age. So the older person can just as easily end up taking care of the younger person. I know a couple, the man is 50 and the woman is 30, but it's the woman who has constant health problems as is basically bed-ridden while the man is very healthy.

 

I also thought the whole idea behind marriage was that you were devoted to this person in sickness and in health etc. If you want a relationship that has no downsides and no sacrifice, then marriage is not for you.

 

Agree with you, in sickness and health...but done because you love your partner, not in expectation of some payout to you and your family's benefit while his family is forgotten

From what I have been told this sounds less like a loving relationship and more like a business transaction

RG

[fortunateone 156618]

I know in this lifestyle there is an aspect in some cases of May/December, older gentlemen seeing younger ladies. But it is an encounter, mutual respect, no strings...not a established relationship/marriage

But what is your take on May/December romances?

From some personal experience (someone I know, not me) I can't say I'm a fan. A person I know left his wife after 24 years of marriage (he was 55 years old at the time, she was 56) to move in with a lady who was 31 years old. Sounds from a guy's perspective, great. Well now he is 84 years old and in poor health. She demanded he marry her, that they not just live C/L. And in his Will, well now she and her children are beneficiaries, his kids written out (btw they didn't disown him or nothing like that, but they were written out so she and her kids could be written in) And why did he do this, because of failing health, he needs someone to take care of him, and scared she'd leave him if he didn't change his Will

I don't know if this is the case with all May/December romances. But there is a time when age differences do matter. For example a 15 year old dating a 25 year old. But a 30 year old dating a 40 year old, well not such a big difference, nor 70 year old with a 80 year old. But a 30 year old with a 50 year old, not a big deal, but when it becomes a 80 year old to a 60 year old, that age difference is bigger.

Just wondering what other's think

RG

 

 

I haven't read the rest here, but I have to point out something regardless of the children from the first marriage.:

 

This relationship has lasted longer than his first one. 30 years they have been together.

 

I don't know about anything else, but this is not a 'fling' and I don't see the lady trying to take advantage at this point (she is 60, not 40, if you see what I mean).

 

It is never a good idea, tho, to cut other family members out of a will because it opens it up to being contested. If he is in ill health I can see she would take steps to ensure she will not have any interruptions in accessing anything for extended care or in the case he passes. My mother got access to her mother's accounts a few years before my grandmother's death, and it just allowed a seamless transition. House bills and utilities and expenses still need to be paid, fwiw.