Quitting Cerb

[mrrnice2 157005]

Change is inevitable. Of late there have been a number of high profile people who have made decisions to either leave Cerb or to adapt their role within the community, and it has caused me to consider again why people do quit and make the decisions that they make.

 

Most recently is WIT, whose leaving I know has left many of us feeling a sense of loss. Less then a week prior to WIT's decision, Spud 271 left. I had met Spud at socials in Ottawa and always enjoyed his humour when we were face to face but I also enjoyed his writing and his posts. Previous to them Pistol Pete chose to limit his participation in Cerb by declining to write threads or comment on threads and restricting himself mostly to reccos. Prior to that stevecurious left and when that happened his departure was for me the first time that when a member announced his leaving that I felt a sense of loss. Steve later reconsidered and has again become a valued member of this community. I am sure there are many others who have left for a whole variety of reasons.

 

First let me say that I am not wishing to delve into the whys and wherefores that may or may not be reasons for which some of our notables have decided of late to leave CERB. I do not want to be speculating or have this thread be used to air speculation. It is a thread that I have had in mind for quite a while but from a purely personal perspective.

 

I know of course of women that have left the board, but will restrict myself in this post to the male side of it, because of the mixed feelings that I have myself, about myself. The rationale for joining and then for leaving is no doubt unique for everyone.

 

I have been a member of CERB since January of 2011. In that relatively short period of time I have seen people come and people go and of course I have seen many a reference to well respected members who were well established on CERB and left before I ever even heard of this board.

 

I have learned many things from CERB, but in reality I have learned many things from the PEOPLE of CERB, as it is the people that make this community what it is. Some will think I am sure that my thinking is ass backwards, but when I think first of what I have learned I think of life lessons, not sexual encounters. I think of stereotypes and how they have been shattered, at least for me. I think of the law and what I have learned and about aspects of the law that I had never even considered previously. I think of the semantics of the business. I think of trans gendered people. I think of respect, both given and received. That list could go on and on and on. My world has changed in the last year and a half, much more than probably most of you can appreciate, and most times I think that it has changed for the better, because of the circumstance that I found myself in.

 

Of course I think about the sex - about the beautiful women that I have met. I think about the very special experiences that I have had, and I have had many. I think about that special `relationship` that I have developed with some of you, both men and women. I think of friends that I have made, and I do consider them friends.

 

And I think of quitting.

 

I did quit once, about three months after I started here. That quit lasted for all of twenty four hours. As soon as I wrote it, as soon as I stated it publicly not in a thread but in one of the social groups, as soon as I clicked on submit, I knew that I had made a mistake. The mistake was that I did not have a plan in place of what it is that I would do to replace the void that Cerb had been filling for me. So, I reversed that decision, really fast, and have been here ever since.

 

So why then do I continue to consider quitting?

 

Reality is a huge issue. What is real? What is fantasy? What is role playing? What is make believe and what is illusion? You know what, that can become very confusing for a client. I am real. I honestly think that I act and write and behave in the Cerb world both online and in person as I do in the rest of my world. I am not used to interacting with people for whom that is not also true, but I know that I do here, very commonly, and for me that is the Catch 22, because that is probably a fundamental truth/requirement of the business, and oh yes indeed, I do know that this is a business. There are many threads on this aspect of Cerb already.

 

I said above that I have broken out of my stereotypes, and that is largely true, however the one big one that I have NOT broken is the feeling that I must have something "wrong" with me for paying such large sums of money for social companionship, and for me it is the social companionship that I have cherished the most. What is most curious is that I don't feel that way at all about any other male member of CERB, only towards myself. It causes me to question myself, which I suppose is a good thing ultimately.

 

I am old fashioned, and yup, probably old too. I am not going to take up the bar scene and be picking up women in that way. Reality check. It just isn't going to happen. I am not asking women out on 'dates' in the non-Cerb world for fear that that would be construed as a desire for or have the potential for a long term relationship. That's the old fashioned part of me.

 

So I might leave CERB in a heartbeat if I had a solution to my dilemma but I do not have a solution, I don't see a solution and until I do then here I shall remain, as it has been an awesome experience and an awesome community for me to be a part of.

 

Another fundamental reality is that for each of us there will be a time to leave that is the right time for us. Our reasons to be here are unique to each of us and when we decide to leave those reasons will also be our own. WIT and Spud and so many before them have their reasons and whatever the reasons are they are valid for them.

 

I am just throwing this post out there in large part for myself as writing often helps me to clarify thoughts in my head. Perhaps some of it resonates with others and perhaps most of it is unique to me. It is just that at the moment as I see people choosing to leave Cerb it causes me to wonder about whether their thinking is in some ways in line with my own or rather whether it truly is a unique individual decision that each of us makes for our own unique and individual reasons.

 

I am not quitting Cerb. At least not today.

[rickkkm 525]

sounds like you need a break versus quitting; people leave usually when they find alternatives and/or find their soul mate or simply take a break; don't feel nostalgic about it, it is life simply taking its course; just like when close friends leave to go out west or elsewhere for work or a different scene, a lot, like on here, will come back and no doubt leave again....otherwised life would be boring....hang in there buddy, take a break, come back in the fall.....

[roamingguy 300292]

First Mr Nice2 glad you are not quitting. But maybe a break or a re-evaluation of why you are here is in order

My reason for joining CERB. Well I've done the dating thing, but it didn't work out for me. The two women who were close to being "the ones", well turned out they weren't. Other women I dated, some broke up with me, and some I broke up with. But long story short, I'm was in my late 40's and not married in spite of actively dating, I finally gave up the effort

But I liked the companionship of women. I heard about these women called escorts LOL. Maybe seeing them instead of dating was what I should do. Hit Google, do a search, found CERB (along with some other sites)

Tried the sites including CERB, found I liked the positive atmosphere here, stayed with CERB, dumped the rest. Through CERB I learned the in's and out's of this lifestyle and in a little over two years have gone from a newbie to someone experienced in this lifestyle.

I've also met many great and beautiful ladies, and enjoyed their companionship. Especially enjoyed the no strings aspect of the companionship. Knowing that if you like and enjoy a lady's company, you can always schedule another encounter and see her again. But if you didn't click, well you can part ways with no worries about a phone call(s) the next day. And knowing, at least for me, that's the extent of emotional commitment

The most emotion I have with a lady is liking and respecting her, and hopefully at the most the same her for me. No risk of complicated emotional entanglements in this lifestyle, no risk of a lady being jealous if you see another lady. And the best, no risk of the hurt that comes from a break-up. For me, this has turned out to be the ideal lifestyle, much better than dating. And it filled a void in my life

At this point in time, this lifestyle, and CERB are ideal for me. Do I see myself leaving. Right now, no. Do I see me stopping this lifestyle. For now, no. The future, well no one knows what the future holds. But for now, I'm staying on CERB and continuing to meet many great ladies, some I haven't met yet, and others who's companionship I really liked and would like to continue to see. This lifestyle suits my life, this board supports this lifestyle, if that makes sense

As for those who have left. Everyone has their own reason for being here, and for leaving. They will be missed when they leave, but we only wish them the best. And the door is always open to them to come back if they so choose

RG

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

Mrnice, I am sure I will not be the only one to say, you presence here would be greatly missed!!!

 

I am not sure contributing financially is not all that we look for in an outstanding member such as yourself! I mean....your post and advice, caring nature and just simply being a friend is cause enough to stay!

 

Correct me if I am wrong....or out of line, but I think it was me whom you first had an encounter with, and yet we have not been romantic since that time. Honestly, I would miss your presence here, not your money!

 

To be a member is so much more than just money, it is about community, about support and helping each other whereas we can not just ask anybody or talk to just anybody about this underworld culture.

 

But in the end, it is about being fulfilled, having fun, and it gives you something in return....which I think you do benefit from meeting and experiencing things you may otherwise may have not?

 

Either way, I consider you as true friend, with or without cerb, I hope to continue our friendship?

[NotchJohnson 214123]

I want to start by saying thanks to mrrnice2, what you wrote here echos my feelings too and i don't think I could taken the same amount of time to write so much in so little.

There may come a time when I might quit CERB but in my mind I think I will always return here and share my thoughts with you guys and girls because I need it.

 

If I could say anything to anyone here that wants to quit, is simply reconsider it and not for anyone else but for yourself.

 

NJ

[bewlayb 7480]

I agree with rick. Step back and take a break from the board for a bit. At 1000+ posts in about 18 months, I'd say you are fully immersed in cerb. Sometimes it's a matter of perspective and being too involved in something (anything) can limit your perspective. Give yourself a chance to focus on other things for a while and you may see "life" on this board differently when you return.

[BownChickaBown 4829]

IMHO, CERB is best used as a knowledge base, and for some Q&A, about the Hobby and sex in general, mixed with a little chatroom spontaneity and of course, generous helpings of humour - ignoring the insecure jealousy of pretentious egotism and the clique, while being mindful of the selfish greedy underbelly of the industry and people in general.

 

CERB is not unique as a forum re: high contributing members leaving due to the lowering quality of overall participation, as the sense of community dies and no longer holds the return on value it once did to be a frequent participant here. (This is a trend across the web and many forums; an evolution of live and learn, if you will.) In general anywhere online or off, without a moderated balance of the rules being applied equally to everyone, it doesn't take long before people continually become marginalized as part of the popularity contest de jour rather than maintinaing "...if you don't have anything nice to say... Please don't say anything at all" (as I once read somewhere).

 

Ironic sometimes how hard it is to find maturity in the 'adult' business sometimes. (Now, of course, like everything in life, we all have our moments - just some people have more moments than others.)

 

Tis the life of trying to mask a capitalistic profit machine as a caring and sharing community. Welcome to the Internet.

 

...but quit CERB?? No TY - just use it for what it's worth. ...even if it's only to check a schedule, enjoy some photos, find a phone number and have a quick chat to see if luck be a lady tonight ;)

 

As they say: It's not the size that matters, but how one uses it.

Enjoy CERB in whatever way it floats your boat :) Largely or smallly.

[Guest qwert123]

I apologize ahead if my post lacks certain level of cohesion. It's just a collection of my thoughts as I read through mrrnice2's post.

 

I think you provide a quality insight to what many guys on cerb consider in regards to this hobby. The problem with this hobby is that it is ultimately a fantasy and a business. The norms and mores of the society continues to unfairly stigmatized men and women involved in this hobby, and as such, this hobby has to operate in some form of secrecy; no doubt making it hard for certain kinds of genuine connections to be made. I think as straight men, we ultimately crave to be in a relationship with women where we can make genuine connections without the worry of breaking this secrecy revolving around the hobby. However, it is also this secrecy that makes this hobby so exciting and refreshing.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with us. We are just way ahead of most men out there in figuring out what do we want in this aspect of our life. Being a lifelong geek and an introvert, I find the bar scene to be particularly daunting. That's not to say I can't pull my weight when the occasions demand; I just don't find it to be a particularly effective way for me to make the connections that I seek.

 

In my opinion, the only drawback of this hobby is its relatively high cost. That would be the only incentive for me to play within the boundaries (eg. bar scenes, pickups, social circles) that the society considers to be mainstream in regards to sex and relationship. I don't think I'll quit Cerb anytime soon. The trove of knowledge is just incredible and I have no doubt learned a lot about myself through threads and post here over the last 2 years.

 

My advice for fellow Cerbers who are thinking of quitting is to take a break from Cerb for days, if not weeks. But then again, as OP said, maybe the time to quit is when a solution to this dilemma is found. As such, I guess it is to each his own.

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

I want to start by saying thanks to mrrnice2, what you wrote here echos my feelings too and i don't think I could taken the same amount of time to write so much in so little.

There may come a time when I might quit CERB but in my mind I think I will always return here and share my thoughts with you guys and girls because I need it.

 

If I could say anything to anyone here that wants to quit, is simply reconsider it and not for anyone else but for yourself.

 

NJ

 

 

I think at one time or another we all consider this from time to time. I have as well. But once you have found those that are near and dear, even if geography is far....well we still share, learn and grow as individuals and as friends, as a community. But you do have to believe in the community as well.

 

Actually, Notch, we have yet to meet? But I have shared this kind of friendship with you as well:)

[stevecurious 42059]

Change is inevitable. Of late there have been a number of high profile people who have made decisions to either leave Cerb or to adapt their role within the community, and it has caused me to consider again why people do quit and make the decisions that they make.

 

 

Where to begin? Well let me explain my situation as it relates to your question both now and THEN. To begin let me assure you all that I attempted to write a thorough and well balanced statement that reflected my beliefs while being contrasted with theory and possibly speculation but nonetheless a fact based response. However, the more I attempted to write said piece the more I kept coming back to the honest truth of the matter, truth as it relates to me and my situation. I left for the simple reason that the board dynamic had become hostile and toxic to the point that the only threads I felt comfortable in responding to were the "funny game" type threads. Threads where responses couldn't be twisted and controversy was easily avoided.

 

At the time I had attempted to justify (to myself) that the reason I was leaving was due to a recent bad experience, lack of interest, time, etc. but in reality it was the atmosphere of Cerb at the time! I no longer had the urge or desire to contribute. I lacked the motivation to read and/or respond to threads. To be honest I felt as though we had to walk on eggshells lest we say something that was even remotely taken out of context. Yes, the envrionment that I had been accustomed to was no more. It seemed as though the self righteous had inherited the earth sort of speak. At that point it was time to leave as quite frankly I am on Cerb to get f$&ked...not get f$&ked over online. My departure was close at hand!

 

I will not get into the details of who or what caused these changes as that topic has been discussed and dealt with in other threads and other places. I will say that the environment here on the board in recent months has been much, much better and I hope it continues to be this way for a long, long time!

 

We all have our reasons and while I can not speak for anyone else listed in your thread I can and will speak for myself. I left for the reasons I stated above and I returned when I heard Mod was starting to address this situation.

 

So let me wish all the departed members best of luck and let me also say thank you and goodbye...your contributions will be missed. If you wish to reconsider the porch light will be kept burning and to those who may never return we will respect your wishes by not speculating or prying into YOUR reasons.

 

Please don't take this response as an attempt to pick a fight or be catty as I answered mrrnice2 in the only way that I know...honestly!

[roamingguy 300292]

A quick interjection of another thought, occurred to me while reading another thread. If a member chooses to leave, we might be left curious about why. But the members here are adult men and women who make adult personal decisions. If a member chooses to leave without sharing the reasons why to the board, it is an adult decision, respect it. Don't assume anything, that just leads to rumours and gossip, benefiting no one. And if he/she wanted to share with us, he/she would share with us

Said before, to those who have left, all I, well we, wish them the best

A quick interjection

RG

[mrgreen760 37785]

I expect this will be a continuing thread. Things change, people change, folks move on. The way of the world. I wouldn't fret about it.

 

Peace

MG

[billybob 20128]

A quick interjection of another thought, occurred to me while reading another thread. If a member chooses to leave, we might be left curious about why. But the members here are adult men and women who make adult personal decisions. If a member chooses to leave without sharing the reasons why to the board, it is an adult decision, respect it. Don't assume anything, that just leads to rumours and gossip, benefiting no one. And if he/she wanted to share with us, he/she would share with us

Said before, to those who have left, all I, well we, wish them the best

A quick interjection

RG

 

I believe asking questions is a good thing, it is not disrespectful to ask a member why he or she is quitting this board. I, as an adult, can ask the question and the person who I am talking to can, as an adult, chose to respond or not respond.

 

I did ask why WIT was quitting and actually I'm sorry I asked it WHERE I asked it. It was his thread to say goodbye and I shouldn't have said it there.

 

If this is a board for ladies to advertise and men to recommend and that is all then that's fine, I really believe that people think it is more than that. It is a place to discuss sexual issues, personal issues, political issues mixed in with some fun stuff.

 

The idea that one shouldn't ask questions just accept what is said is not an open way to have discussions. Of course if the questions are rude or disrespectful than that is a totally different situation.

 

Maybe one of the reasons people are leaving is because open discussions are discouraged, one hint of disagreement and a thread is shut down.

[roamingguy 300292]

I am not at all opposed to discussion, not at all. But an individual's personal decision, do we need to discuss it. WIT, Spud and some others were kind enough to let us know they were leaving, and in fact they both gave general reasons without getting into specific details. How many leave without letting us know, maybe just to avoid the discussions that follow.

And their reasons are personal to them. No matter how much we might like to know the member's real reason and discuss the matter, it doesn't change the end fact, their decision was their decision for just personal reasons. Their loss does affect CERB. But the reasons for their loss, that's personal. All the discussion in the world won't change that

That's all I'm trying to say

RG

[Amelia Fox 9064]

I agree with the last bit of your post...

I too have thought of not using cerb,due to others and not being able to say your peace,even ask questions without being told your hostile or out of line to say that when in fact this site is Canadian Recco Board is it not?

 

Hope I do not cause any conflict by posting my insight to this thread..

I also know that people and there desires in life change with time,so perhaps persons leaving the site is them growing in there personal lives??

[billybob 20128]

But an individual's personal decision, do we need to discuss it.

RG

 

Yes I think we should, it might be helpful for current and future members.

 

I could be wrong, but that is my opinion.

[Capital Hunter 18263]

Yes decision to leave (and lets not forget about some come backs too) is personal and every departure is a loss for cerb and the community. I have had my share of ups and downs on cerb too. It was a time that I was so addicted to this board that logging on to cerb replaced all other entertainments for me like TV or movies and then there was a time that I didn't wish to even hear the board name because it reminded me of hurt feelings and stressful time (and I have enough of that at work lol so thank you). The end result for me was to quit cerb and have a long break was among those who later decided to come back (as a non-poster initially) just to test the water and see how it will go.

 

Bearing in mind (as I mentioned) that every departure especially at elite membership level is a big loss for the board, the community and the industry, we, as individuals have a responsibility and obligation too, to do our best and our share to make the environment here on cerb friendly and pleasant. We must refrain from hostile debates or posts or be too opinionated and worse (God forbid) make personal attacks on other members who may hold different views or different likes or dislikes. After all it is the variety of our lives, looks and views that makes us all humans rather than programmed robots. We must do whatever we can to make cerb such a great and pleasant place to be so that the community grow larger and stronger by attracting new memberships and returning (active) members.

[JustJack 4689]

deleted message.

[stevecurious 42059]

I don't understand why people quit formally, officially, forever and ever?

 

If a member feels like quitting, why not just stop posting, stop logging in; basically just take a break, as opposed to formally quitting. It makes it easier to come back. Now, obviously, this won't apply to all cases as I'm sure there are circumstances which necessitate a formal self removal so to speak.

 

August 2010 I basically took a break until August 2011, no posts, not active; had my reasons. Slowly I'm getting back in the grove.

 

CERB is what it is, like most things in life, its not 100% but I enjoy the positives of CERB, and don't dwell on the negatives.

 

I suppose the answer to why people quit as opposed to simply taking a leave of absence is simply personal preference or circumstances. No doubt some people believe that when they leave they are not coming back, which was the case for me. I thought I was done therefore why leave an open account. Others may be the type that would be "tempted" by having their account remain active and not achieve the desired break that they originally sought therefore negating the original plan.

 

As you stated you were able to take a self imposed vacation, undoubtedly others could not do the same thing. Hey sometimes we all need a vacation from certain aspects of our lives but if you believe that leaving truly is what you want then I can see why accounts are closed only to be reactivated at a later date.

[backrubman 64800]

I don't understand why people quit formally, officially, forever and ever?

 

Actually I think most people don't. I have noticed a few people seemingly "disappear" without a formal announcement and then when you start to wonder why you haven't seen a post or received a PM from them in so long and look at their profile you realize they have left us. Announced departures aside for a minute I think the "problem" is much bigger than we know until we start digging.

 

That's why I think this thread has merit, not to lament WIT or Spud's departure (a big loss for sure and they will be surely be missed and most members have no idea why) but that can't be changed and everyone that wanted to got a chance to wish them well on other threads.

 

A case in point: I logged into one of the other CERB like boards and there was so much negativity I only went back once or twice and then not since.

 

Here we have (or had - perspective) a community of regular members (for now) that are very knowledgeable and helpful, outstanding in fact by comparison. Something not found elsewhere (or I haven't found it elsewhere).

[Capital Hunter 18263]

No doubt some people believe that when they leave they are not coming back, which was the case for me. I thought I was done therefore why leave an open account.

 

Yes and me (and I) too :).

[roamingguy 300292]

Something else to consider about boards, and not just escort boards, the board evolves and people change. I know I'm on a couple of fishing boards. One has seemed to evolve in one direction, and me, either I'm stagnant LOL or I've changed...hopefully the latter. So I haven't been on it in quite a while. Haven't quit, but haven't logged on. It's not a case of if the board did this I would be back, just people, individually and collectively change over time. And sometimes it happens that for some it is time to move on, and change direction

RG

[stevecurious 42059]

Something else to consider about boards, and not just escort boards, the board evolves and people change. I know I'm on a couple of fishing boards. One has seemed to evolve in one direction, and me, either I'm stagnant LOL or I've changed...hopefully the latter. So I haven't been on it in quite a while. Haven't quit, but haven't logged on. It's not a case of if the board did this I would be back, just people, individually and collectively change over time. And sometimes it happens that for some it is time to move on, and change direction

RG

 

Yes it is true that people and internet boards change or evolve to something else, whether they evolve to something greater is an entirely different topic however. That said I am not saying we as an online community shouldn't evolve or grow, quite the contrary actually. Without growth we will become stagnant and simply cease to be. However with that inevitable growth we must be cognizant of the basic Cerb statement:

 

Cerb is not a review board - it is a recommendation board so if you do not having nice to say...please don't say anything at all.

 

We should all remember to work and play well with others...

[backrubman 64800]

...However with that inevitable growth we must be cognizant of the basic Cerb statement:

Cerb is not a review board - it is a recommendation board so if you do not having nice to say...please don't say anything at all.

We should all remember to work and play well with others...

 

Agreed. However, I always considered that statement to refer specifically to recommendations and not all posts like discussions. In fact applying that to certain topics makes them difficult to discuss fully or properly. That said, I believe it is possible to have incredibly heated and intense debates on a thread as long as we are respectful and don't make it personal. It used to be that way, but lately if you can't win the debate or convince everyone you are right (or it turns out you are proven wrong) then personally attack them seems the order of the day. That is what concerns me greatly.

 

I think we should be able to have an all out (but respectful) argument without the MOD having to step in and close the thread and be dammed if it didn't use to be that way.

[billybob 20128]

Agreed. However, I always considered that statement to refer specifically to recommendations and not all posts like discussions.

 

Couldn't agree more, in fact I PM'd the Mod recently with a question about this situation.