Is having sex with escort cheating?

[Guest Miss Jane TG]

This thread was actually initiated by one of the members in another forum. I honestly found the question to have much depth into it than what might be perceived at the initial glance:

 

Is having sex with an escort cheating?

[kechara 2526]

This thread was actually initiated by one of the members in another forum. I honestly found the question to have much depth into it than what might be perceived at the initial glance:

 

Is having sex with an escort cheating?

 

If a person is in a relationship and does not the permission of the other person, then it is cheating. Personally I don't find a lot of depth to it since it is a pretty black and white area to me.

[MightyPen 67414]

This thread was actually initiated by one of the members in another forum. I honestly found the question to have much depth into it than what might be perceived at the initial glance:

 

Is having sex with an escort cheating?

 

Let's assume that we're discussing clients who are in a relationship and have a partner to cheat on, and the client hasn't discussed it with his partner and obtained her permission. Nor do the terms of their relationship simply allow it.

 

But with that done... then: Yes. If your partner hasn't agreed to it then it's cheating. Everything else is a rationalization.

 

Having established that, though, there are further issues:

 

- What really is the nature and significance of cheating?

- What circumstances give rise to cheating?

- Are there cases where someone can understandably decide that cheating is better than the alternative of burning their domestic life down to the ground?

 

That's a separate discussion maybe better saved for later in the thread once the preliminaries are done with. But fundamentally, I think the interesting part of this discussion isn't going to be your original question, whose answer seems unambiguous to me; rather, it's the followup issue: "Okay, so let's talk about cheating."

[Guest Miss Jane TG]

How about rephrasing the question:

 

Is "getting of thinking about" having sex with an escort (or her equivalent) cheating?

If the answer is "Yes" then there is no single faithful man left on this planet.

If the answer is "No" then the question posed is ambiguous.

If one is to argue that the two questions are different, then how about having one's partner getting of in front of her/him thinking about someone else?

[Phantom 5310]

I think where people find a blurry line is that they consider a physical act not AS bad a an emotional affair. And although some mates might be less hurt by a one night meetup with an escort vs an affair with substantial feelings, it does not change the definition of cheating.

 

Essentially cheating is crossing the level of intimacy acceptable (or discussed as acceptable, even though they may later change their mind) by both partners. So if you are having sex with an escort and your better half is there watching/participating/enjoying, then no it is not. If she is unaware and has expressed her feelings against it. (Or if none given, one would assume they would be against)

 

Cheating means crossing the line. Whatever line that might be. Kissing another girl, flirting (some couples are more uptight than others) all of these could be cheating. It's not the act itself, it's the act as to where it stands in your relationship's agreed upon intimacy level with others.

 

 

It's like asking if driving 100km/h is speeding. Can't answer that without knowing the speed limit of the road you are on. And the answer differs depending on that road.

[Athos 108589]

Let's assume that we're discussing clients who are in a relationship and have a partner to cheat on, and the client hasn't discussed it with his partner and obtained her permission. Nor do the terms of their relationship simply allow it.

 

But with that done... then: Yes. If your partner hasn't agreed to it then it's cheating. Everything else is a rationalization.

 

Having established that, though, there are further issues:

 

- What really is the nature and significance of cheating?

- What circumstances give rise to cheating?

- Are there cases where someone can understandably decide that cheating is better than the alternative of burning their domestic life down to the ground?

 

That's a separate discussion maybe better saved for later in the thread once the preliminaries are done with. But fundamentally, I think the interesting part of this discussion isn't going to be your original question, whose answer seems unambiguous to me; rather, it's the followup issue: "Okay, so let's talk about cheating."

 

I could agree with all of this and say ... "yeah so what?" (not in any sort of angry or aggressive way ... just more a "shrug and a why does it matter" sort of way)

 

This is one of those perennial questions that comes up on boards. Many people here are married, many of us use the services of SPs. I've long ago came to terms with the issue of "cheating". Yes, I cheat. Done. Does it bother me ... not in the least. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. I hope the people that know me, including the ladies on this board, don't think I'm a bad person.

 

We all have the reasons why we hobby. So long as we aren't motivated by a desire to hurt anyone -- either our spouses or the ladies on this board -- well then it really isn't for anyone to judge. I suppose in that senes that's my answer to the follow up question ... is it wrong to cheat. Can't judge, unless you've walked in someone else's shoes and confronted the choices they've had to make.

 

Porthos

[roamingguy 300292]

Well I'll chime in. In a relationship, at least to me, the emotional (love) and interpersonal fidelity (for lack of better phraseology) are far more important between a couple than physical (sexual) fidelity. And having sex with a escort, if a married man or woman keeps his/her emotional head about him/her, when getting involved with an escort, keeping it strictly a sexual relationship, well yes it is infidelity but not as serious as

emotional and interpersonal infidelity.

But, if you define fidelity as forsaking all others, then if there are others, including paid companions then sex with a escort is cheating.

I interpose another thought here however, all we can make is a generalization. Every relationship is unique. Perhaps the marriage is an open relationship (poly amorous) in which case multiple partners isn't cheating. Or maybe one partner for whatever reason doesn't like to have, or can't have sexual relations anymore, so seeing an escort isn't cheating, since the outlet the other partner uses for sexual intimacy is seeing an escort, which has the added benefit of no or little risk of emotional and interpersonal infidelity, as opposed to having an affair, where emotions come into play, and at least one person will end up being hurt.

Finally, on a lighter happier note, I have been seeing escorts since July 2010, and met many wonderful ladies, some of whom I even consider friends. This lifestyle and most of these ladies have enriched my life, I consider myself a better and luckier man for meeting them. Not once have I cheated...but that's because I'm single :-)

A evening rambling

RG

[Cleo Catra 178382]

Nope!!!!!! :D

[cometman 35115]

I think it depends on the relationship one might be in. If your SO is in love with you and has given heart and soul to you, then it would be cheating if you are still with them and have deep feelings for them.

If one is in a relationship that is devoid of intimacy and the SO wants nothing to do with you as far as intimacy goes, then it is a different kettle of fish. To me, cheating means sharing intimacy with someone other than your SO when your SO is able, willing, and wanting.

[Athos 108589]

Nope!!!!!! :D

 

 

I likes the way you think!!!!

 

Porthos

 

Additional Comments:

I think it depends on the relationship one might be in. If your SO is in love with you and has given heart and soul to you, then it would be cheating if you are still with them and have deep feelings for them.

If one is in a relationship that is devoid of intimacy and the SO wants nothing to do with you as far as intimacy goes, then it is a different kettle of fish. To me, cheating means sharing intimacy with someone other than your SO when your SO is able, willing, and wanting.

 

Again, there is so much about context that generalizations are difficult. I deeply love my SO. We have tons of emotional intimacy, but no physical intimacy. We've had sex once in 13 years (given the rarity it definitely stand out as worth remembering). She isn't interested, and I had to decide at a certain point in time whether remaining married and cheating, was preferable to staying loyal, celibate and (eventually) divorced. The pressures of the problems in our physical relationship were actually straining and destroying our love for each other. So ironically, this is a case where not cheating was going to destroy the relationship.

 

Now I'm sure it's very easy to say I'm just rationalizing, and maybe I am. But I can live for that. I love my wife, but I have sex with other women who I also cherish and have the utmost respect and admiration for (and who, I might add, completely leave me gasping for air yes I'm thinking of you Gabriella Laurence).

 

I don't think there is anything at all wrong with that.

 

Porthos

[kechara 2526]

I could agree with all of this and say ... "yeah so what?" (not in any sort of angry or aggressive way ... just more a "shrug and a why does it matter" sort of way)

 

I have to agree with this. Even thought it is cheating to me as I said above. I personally follow a live and let live rule. It is any persons choice on what they choose to do.

 

It is not my choice to sit in judgement of another. Besides, I am not an angel myself .. :)

[MightyPen 67414]

This is one of those perennial questions that comes up on boards. Many people here are married, many of us use the services of SPs. I've long ago came to terms with the issue of "cheating". Yes, I cheat. Done. Does it bother me ... not in the least. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. I hope the people that know me, including the ladies on this board, don't think I'm a bad person.

 

We all have the reasons why we hobby. So long as we aren't motivated by a desire to hurt anyone -- either our spouses or the ladies on this board -- well then it really isn't for anyone to judge. I suppose in that senes that's my answer to the follow up question ... is it wrong to cheat. Can't judge, unless you've walked in someone else's shoes and confronted the choices they've had to make.

I think you have the perfect answer, and it's the one I thought we'd get to in "round 2" of answering Jane's original question. In my first post in the thread I stuck to answering the factual side of Jane's question ("yes, it's cheating"); but especially if a client has come to terms with that, who am I to judge his choice? My list of follow-up questions was intended to lead in that direction.

 

As you say, everyone's circumstances are different, and until you understand them it's impossible to really come to a personal verdict on anyone's decision.

 

As adults we all have the power and responsibility to make difficult decisions in the course of our lives, and often all of our available choices are imperfect. So it becomes a matter of choosing which costs we're most willing to pay, and which risks to assume.

[Guest Miss Jane TG]

There is nothing in this thread about judging anyone. It is a general question for each one to have his input. So far, I think we are getting very good responses. It is a debatable issue so the answers must be reflective of that fact!

[MightyPen 67414]

How about rephrasing the question:

 

Is "getting of thinking about" having sex with an escort (or her equivalent) cheating?

If the answer is "Yes" then there is no single faithful man left on this planet.

If the answer is "No" then the question posed is ambiguous.

If one is to argue that the two questions are different, then how about having one's partner getting of in front of her/him thinking about someone else?

Indulging a masturbatory fantasy isn't cheating. In fact if someone never does, then I accuse that person of a failure of imagination. :) Mind you, if you neglect your partner because you're too preoccupied with your solo fantasy, then there's a problem -- but it's not about "cheating", it's about the selfish act of neglect.

 

I feel the same way about your second case a shared masturbatory fantasy. I think it's healthy to involve a partner in one's fantasy life, and equally healthy for the partner will support it.

 

I'll go one step further: I think it's also healthy to seek the permission of one's partner to enact the fantasy. What happens next (is permission granted? does the partner want to/insist upon being involved?) is just the regular negotiation that happens in any relationship over big issues.

 

An issue arises though when doing these things without the partner's knowledge and consent. I use "issue" here because it's not my aim to judge or condemn; only to point out that this action carries a risk and potential cost, and anyone undertaking it should be honest with themselves about both of those things. If they'v done so, then the decision simply falls into that category I mentioned in my last post: adult ethical conundrums we all face in lots of forms in our grown-up lives.

 

Additional Comments:

There is nothing in this thread about judging anyone. It is a general question for each one to have his input. So far, I think we are getting very good responses. It is a debatable issue so the answers must be reflective of that fact!

Totally agree. I'm concerned that my initial frank answer may have been perceived as a judgment, but I tried to allude to the other issues in that post and I've elaborated on them in my subsequent posts.

 

It's a delicate minefield of a question here naturally. Allow for the possibility that clients with partners may vary widely in the degree to which they've faced and reconciled themselves on this issue. Responses will range the spectrum, accordingly.

 

Additional Comments:

She isn't interested, and I had to decide at a certain point in time whether remaining married and cheating, was preferable to staying loyal, celibate and (eventually) divorced. The pressures of the problems in our physical relationship were actually straining and destroying our love for each other. So ironically, this is a case where not cheating was going to destroy the relationship.

 

Now I'm sure it's very easy to say I'm just rationalizing, and maybe I am. But I can live for that. ... I don't think there is anything at all wrong with that.

This is definitely the type of thing I was getting at when I said in my original post that "cheating can be preferable to burning the rest of your life to the ground". I think the situation you describe is a very common one.

 

I'd personally (personally!) differ with your statement that there isn't "anything at all wrong with that"; making the decision solo carries some risk for your relationship. But I agree completely that it's one of those situations where a person can acknowledge the "wrong" in a decision is nevertheless a part of what they have decided is the best choice under their circumstances. And they're in the best position to make that decision, and to evaluate it, when it comes to their own adult life.

 

Make sense?

[roamingguy 300292]

There is nothing in this thread about judging anyone. It is a general question for each one to have his input. So far, I think we are getting very good responses. It is a debatable issue so the answers must be reflective of that fact!

 

While this thread doesn't judge anyone, terminology which used in this thread, specifically "cheating" and btw is a commonplace term for sexual relations outside of a marriage does have a judgement laden tone. I'm not criticizing the use of the term in this thread, because it is a term used commonplace, but calling sex outside of marriage as cheating does prejudge such activity as wrong (how can cheating be right) and ergo does place a judgement laden tone. In my humble opinion, every relationship is unique, not one size fits all so to speak.

All that being said, this is a very good thread

RG

[Guest ***nsut***jr]

I say its group therapy as long as 2 is a group.

[castle 38816]

Well the word "cheating" in and of itself implies some form of deception. Therefore I would have to say that if you're completely upfront and honest with your partner....than no, you're not cheating....as there is no deception. Otherwise.....yup, it's cheating.

 

Whether it's seeing an SP and getting everything, seeing a MA for just a "Happy Ending" or even just getting a lapdance at the local strip bar. If you're lying to your SO and hiding the fact that you're getting some form of sexual satisfaction from another person on the side.....then you're cheating. Just how I see it anyway.

[Phaedrus 209521]

Is having sex with an escort cheating?

 

Ask your SO. If they consider it cheating, then it probably is.

 

If you don't feel like you can ask your SO, then it also probably is.

 

Is "getting of thinking about" having sex with an escort (or her equivalent) cheating?

 

No. There's a lot of difference between temptation and succumbing to that temptation. The cookies that I merely lust after do not show up on my waistline.

 

Of course, none of that casts any light on whether "cheating" is good, bad, or neutral...

[Guest Miss Jane TG]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss Jane TG

Is having sex with an escort cheating?

Ask your SO. If they consider it cheating, then in probably is.

 

If you don't feel like you can ask your SO, then it also probably is.

 

I consider myself to be independent thinker and I don't get my answers from anyone else, if actually, that was the reason behind initiating this thread.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss Jane TG

Is "getting of thinking about" having sex with an escort (or her equivalent) cheating?

No. There's a lot of difference between temptation and succumbing to that temptation. The cookies that I merely lust after do not show up on my waistline.

 

It is not about the cookies but rather the state mind.

 

Of course, none of that casts any light on whether "cheating" is good, bad, or neutral...

 

Ummm, I do respectfully disagree, cheating is bad which is different from being justifiable or not. But, the question is it really cheating or not?

[VedaSloan 119179]

In theory, yes. By any standards, sleeping with someone else (paid or otherwise) without permission of your partner is cheating. That being said, I don't think it should be considered cheating, with all the associated stigma that goes along with that. Men and women (who are partnered) seek out escorts for a variety of reasons, but it usually (in my experience) has to do with something that is missing from their relationship with their partner (for whatever reason--no interest, illness, because they're human beings who can't be expected to fulfill every need at all times, etc). While I do think that partners should be honest with each other about their needs/desires/feelings, I also think that society generally needs to be honest about sex and learn to take value in sex itself. If more people realized that sex isn't this sacred thing that should only be shared with certain people, but that it is more akin to feeding oneself--something you have to do to live, as it can affect not only your physical sense of self, but also your mental health--then I think that seeing escorts would be less stigmatized. But of course, these are only my personal ideals. I'm not sure we'll ever get to a place where everyone isn't all kinds of fucked up about sex.

 

Partners have no need to feel jealous or inadequate or unloved if their SO seeks out the company of escorts. Yes, if your partner does it without your permission, you have a right to be upset--about the lie, not the act itself.

[MightyPen 67414]

It is not about the cookies but rather the state mind.

I dunno about that. Let's consider the difference between "I'd like to punch that guy in the face!" and actually punching that guy in the face.

 

The first is harmless and healthy; letting yourself feel angry is an important step in dealing with both your own anger and the issue at hand. --Acting-- on the anger by actually punching someone, though, is a whole different thing and the real-world action involves risks and costs.

 

I think the key issue isn't the state of mind at all, but rather the act that we choose to take as a result (or don't).

[roamingguy 300292]

Ummm, I do respectfully disagree, cheating is bad which is different from being justifiable or not. But, the question is it really cheating or not?

 

Well I'll toss this in as food for thought. Strictly speaking assuming a monogamous relationship and marriage is founded in part on the phrase (part of marriage vows) "forsake all others"

Whether having an affair or seeing an escort, you are not forsaking all others, so you would I guess be cheating.

But, to throw a curve in here, how often does cheating happen because of a sexless marriage. A generalization here, the wife chooses not to have sex...is it fair that the man has to forgo sex because the wife refuses to have sex? There is a quid pro quo to the "forsake all others" and that is that the husband and wife are going to be for all time amongst other things, sexual partners, and that means a normal active sex life.

When one partner removes sex from the marriage it is an invitation for the other partner to seek sexual companionship outside the marriage

Why get married to live and continue to live a celibate life? By the scenario I posted cheating would be as much the wife's fault as the husband. Yes cheating may be bad, but may be the only thing holding the marriage together

A rambling

RG

[Guest Miss Jane TG]

I dunno about that. Let's consider the difference between "I'd like to punch that guy in the face!" and actually punching that guy in the face.

This analogy is different from the "rephrased question". Getting off thinking about another person would ultimately achieve the same sexual end point (i.e. orgasm). Thinking about punching a guy in the face would not achieve the same physical end point (i.e. having bruise or laceration in his face). In fact, masturbation is a sexual action with the only difference of relying on the brain to simulate the main action.

[Reddog01 30280]

Of course it is cheating. How else will the SO look at it? I have my own reasons for partaking in the "hobby". . No regrets so far....Maybe some day....

[VedaSloan 119179]

A generalization here, the wife chooses not to have sex...is it fair that the man has to forgo sex because the wife refuses to have sex?

A rambling

RG

 

Not only that, but why should she have to deal with a husband pestering her constantly for something she doesn't want to provide? If the emotional connection is still there, just let him see escorts. Again, this is my personal opinion, which I don't expect everyone to have, but I think that expecting a marriage partner to be able to fulfill all your needs, is unrealistic. There are over six billion (probably more, I'm not up on my world stats) in this world and we're supposed to believe that there is one person for us who will be perfect for us and we'll live happily ever after until we both die of old age in each others' arms? RIIIIGHT. It just makes more sense to go through life knowing that no one is perfect and can live up to such unrealistic standards; different people can fulfill different needs and it doesn't make any one of them any less important.