New hobbiest... question about kink.

[Guest l***di*e***2]

Hi all, first time poster here and really new to this but have some definite "itches" that need scratching. Like many who look to SPs there are things I want to try and ideas that I want to explore, but they are on the more kinky side than plain vanilla... hence the drive to look to SPs.

 

The questions are these...

 

How do you raise these interests with the SP without them thinking you are some sort of complete freak?

 

When is the best time to discuss and how?

 

I'm a pretty normal, not a social misfit, and have a good sense of humor, but I can totally understand why an SP would balk at the things I want to explore. Hope this kind of open discussion doesn't get me banned and welcome both board posts and PM's from SP and members alike.

 

Thanks for the help in sorting this out,

Lud.

[Phaedrus 209521]

First up - welcome to the board!

 

I can't imagine you'll get SPs thinking you're a complete freak. I'm sure most of them have heard pretty much everything already, so unless your tastes are really Way Out There you're probably not going to be the first person she's had asking for whatever it is. The most negative reaction you're going to get is probably something along the lines of, "Sorry, I don't offer that service."

 

Do what research you can. Have a look at the ads in your locality and see if anyone's advertizing what you're after, or possibly advertizing similar things. If you feel brave, you could put a post in your city's SP discussion section saying what you're after, and inviting ladies that provide this to contact you. You may get lucky. You could also hop over to the search page and see if anyone's asked about your preferences in the past - it's quite possible that they have.

 

As for when to discuss it with a SP... I'd have thought that early on is probably best. Assuming that you're polite about it, just be up front about what you're looking for so that if she doesn't offer it, she can just say so and neither you nor she wastes any further time. One thing you should NOT do is to book a meeting without mentioning what you want, and then spring it on her the day before (or worse, when you actually get there) - you'll probably piss her off and if you cancel at the last second you'll really piss her off.

 

Finally, remember that we're generally a friendly and non-judgmental bunch here; provided whatever's happening involves only consenting adults, nobody will think any the less of you for it.

 

Hope that helps. And good luck!

[Athos 108589]

The great thing about e-mail is that it offers a pretty neutral territory way to raise these issues.

 

I would not call someone up, ask if they are available this afternoon, and the go on and ask for service that might not be typical.

 

e-mail the woman you're interested in. Tell her you're interested in meeting her, would like to discuss possible times in the future, and that you have some particular interests. Then the discussion can proceed. Sometimes ladies like to know a customer a bit before being willing to explore some types of fetishes. It really just depends on what it is and how unusual it might be.

 

But don't worry ... as I've said in another thread, they won't be shocked.

 

Porthos

[Cleo Catra 178382]

The best time to ask is before you book.

 

I wouldn't worry about being judged. We've all been asked for many things some may consider odd - and sometimes we'll say yes, sometimes we'll say no. But even if I say no, I won't judge you. I'm sure I like things other people might not. To each their own. But the last thing anyone wants is for you to book, THEN say 'Oh I want such-and-such service'. Because then if she doesn't want to provide it, you may not want to cancel because you'll feel bad, etc etc, and then the session won't go well for anyone.

 

The absolute worst time to ask is once the session has begun. Declining a clients request during a session makes me feel terrible, and like he's not going to leave the session happy. And all I want is for my clients to leave happy...so if there's something you need to be happy, let her know upfront, so no one leaves disappointed!

 

Additional Comments:

The best time to ask is before you book.

 

I wouldn't worry about being judged. We've all been asked for many things some may consider odd - and sometimes we'll say yes, sometimes we'll say no. But the last thing anyone wants is for you to book, THEN say 'Oh I want such-and-such service'. Because then if she doesn't want to provide it, you may not want to cancel because you'll feel bad, etc etc, and then the session won't go well for anyone.

 

The absolute worst time to ask is once the session has begun. Declining a clients request during a session makes me feel terrible, and like he's not going to leave the session happy. And all I want is for my clients to leave happy...so if there's something you need to be happy, let her know upfront, so no one leaves disappointed!

[cyclo 30131]

There's another benefit to asking service questions before booking. If the woman you're communicating with doesn't offer the service you're looking for, she may know someone who does and can provide you with a lead to follow up on. Provided you're communication has been respectful. That will shorten your search. Check out sp's web sites and reviews. That will give you a very good idea of who provides the service you're seeking or who may be game for it, if it's not specifically listed on their web site.

 

You never know. You may find out that that your kinks aren't actually that unusual. We don't discuss our sexual desires often or with many people. As a result, it's easy for us to think that we're way out there. On the whole however, researchers have found that most people's "illicit desires", fantasies or kinks are pretty commonplace desires. Maybe you're vanilla after all lol.

 

Service providers have a wider range of sexual activites that they've been able to explore and and are therefore comfortable with or in fact enjoy. The average person's sexual life remains more restricted by social conventions. Even something like Greek is a relatively easy service to find. Activities such as scat play, golden showers, pain, humiliation or domination will be services provided by very specialized sp's... but they are out there.

 

Kinks may be difficult to discuss in social dating "When do I tell her I want to....? The first time we have sex... tenth time?" Lol You may have discussed your desires with a significant other and had them politely decline ("I'm just not game for that honey"), or they tried it for you and decided it's outside their comfort zone even for someone they love, or they may have passed judgement ("oooo... that's disgusting"). A polite inquiry to an sp will either evoke the first response, a referral to another sp, no response, or... "Ya, I love that..." or "I can do that, but that service costs extra and/or only if you follow these rules..."

 

From your post, you seem considerate and tactful. As long as you do a little research, read a woman's website closely (that cannot be overemphasized) and the first words in your communication aren't "Hey baby, do you...", you should be able to find what you're looking for.

 

Good luck, whatever flavour your kinks turn out to be!

[Guest t****ster***ke]

i think the single most important phrase to look for is, "very open minded" (trust me, they're not talking about their views on politics or religion). any service provider who states this (or something close) is practically inviting you to ask about fetishes and kinks, and even if you're looking for something past their boundaries, they will have partaken in enough "out there" activities that they will not judge you (besides, moral judgment is bad for business). also, if someone you've never met, who you will probably never meet, calls you sick or gross, is that really a big deal? don't sweat the small stuff.

[Guest l***di*e***2]

Like I said in the title I appreciate all the input on this it is truly helpful.

 

My real reason for looking at SPs is to get experiences that I've always been curious about, but have been too shy to ask in the dating/relationship world.

 

Phaed, very good post. Hope you don't mind if I pose more questions on the hobby side as you seem to routinely provide well considered advice on these boards.

 

I'll certainly be posting more as time goes on thanks to the warm welcome and insights.

 

Til later,

L

[Phaedrus 209521]

One other thing: it may be worth having a look around the social groups page. There are groups for quite a few things, and joining and posting in one of those - if there's a suitable one and it seems at least somewhat active - may prove profitable.

 

And fell free to carry on asking questions, either on the board or by PM... the only thing that will annoy people is if you ask something that gets asked quite often and that there's already threads about, so make use of the search page first :)

[MightyPen 67414]

The replies so far do a bang-up job of answering your question. I'll just reiterate that:

 

- pursuing special interests is extremely common

- you should briefly explain your interest during your initial inquiry; and

- worst case, she'll say "no, sorry, I don't do that" but she won't judge.

 

When describing your interest give enough information to let her know clearly what you're after, but not so much that you're writing amateur porn. ;) Something like:

 

"Hi! My name is [name], I'm [gender] and [age]. I saw your ad on CERB and I'm considering making an appointment with you soon. I have a real fetish for X, and during our session I'd like to try doing Y and Z involving X. Is that possible? If so, an appointment lasting [duration] on [date] from #:00 to #:00 would work well for me. I hope we can meet, and I look forward to hearing back from you."

 

If her answer is "yes" you can always provide some more detail about X, Y, and Z in a follow-up before finalizing the appointment. She may even have some suggestions to add, or questions of her own. Then you're off to the races.

 

Good luck and have lots and lots of fun!

[xxxAxxx 21016]

2 words: search tool

 

 

If someone hasn't already asked your question, that will be what shocks me most.

[SamanthaEvans 166767]

If there's someone who interests you but doesn't seem to offer the things you're looking for, consider asking anyway. There are many reasons for not advertising some activities, including creating a perception that the we only engage in kinky play, that we're happy to do something frequently or several times a day or a week, or that those activities are always available without making arrangements ahead of time.

 

You should always feel free to change your mind once things get underway, too. Don't feel that, because you'd expected to do something, you're required to do it! Needs and desires shift and change depending on comfort level, mood and other things. Changing your mind the first time doesn't mean you shouldn't try again another time. However, if your companion has agreed to do something, or that she'll try to do it, she should be willing to fulfill the agreement. If she's not able to accommodate your request for some reason--perhaps she was spanked yesterday and is worried that any more of that today will cause bruising, for example--she should let you know before the meeting begins.

[tonyb 1028]

I don't usually blurt out my kinky request in the first introductory email because some women are quite against going into detail before they get to know you a little.

 

Some kinks can be a little dangerous if you don't know what you are doing, and they can be really dangerous if your partner doesn't know what she is doing. Bruises, scars, internal injuries and infections can happen very easily and quickly, to both of you.

 

You may have built up some expectations in your mind which would be unrealistic to fulfil, especially of you haven't done it before. So for your first time you may want to choose a partner who already has experience with your fantasies and who can guide you safely and enjoyably through the reality. It's a journey; having it all doesn't mean having it all the first time.

 

Many of the women who post frequently on cerb have tons of experience with requests from men to fulfil their fantasies; I would trust their advice. Pick a lady who advertises as fetish friendly or even who offers bdsm services, and start a dialogue with her to see if she is interested and willing to work with you. It's a small community so even if a woman you contact can't help you directly, she may be able to refer you to another who can.

 

I have found several of the women on cerb to be very helpful!

[cyclo 30131]

Whoops....

 

Additional Comments:

[VedaSloan 119179]

1. Never feel any shame about what you like! You're not a freak, you're just a dude with preferences, like everyone else.

 

2. Ask before you book.

 

Other than that, have fun :)