My First Time

[mister_crufty 4891]

What follows is a strange tale, one of love, redemption, growth and healing. It's the story of what happens when you fall in love with an escort, perhaps the most forbidden love of all. It's a long story which has not been completely written yet but I provide it in hopes that others will not make the mistakes I have made.

 

My first. I saw her here, read her reviews. She sounded wonderful. A warm and understanding woman who would make me feel like a man again, something I had not felt in a long time. Lets call her L so as not to embarrass her.

 

I went to see her, not because I wanted to, but because I felt I had to. My marriage is pretty good in most ways but the lack of sex was killing me. Destroying my self confidence, making me doubt my self worth. I love my wife and want nothing more than to have a physical relationship with her but for 6 years or more, nothing I did seemed to make any difference.

 

I've never been confident in my sexuality. I always thought I didn't have much to offer a woman in that way. I'm tall and fit and I'm told I'm handsome but in the bedroom, I always felt that I fell short. That and the fact that I put sex on a pedestal. Sex was important. Sex had meaning. Sex was not for fun, sex was for relationships and having sex with a woman meant you were with her now and you had to do everything in your power to make something more out of it.

 

I've never cheated on a partner. In spite of having been with some jealous women who would accuse and suspect me, I've been faithful. Sure, I look when I see a beautiful lady pass by but I never stray.

 

So what happens when you take a man with low self-esteem, commitment hangups, guilt, performance anxiety, a tendency to overthink everything and not a little OCD, and put him with a woman who rocks his world? Who pleases him and lets him please her. Who pulls the best out of him, a performance he never knew he was capable of? Maybe it's just a job for her, a script, an act that is designed to make him feel that way. But it doesn't feel that way. See, it wasn't just the sex. I connected with her. I felt a huge amount of chemistry. I liked her style, her personality. Her kindness and generosity. I liked everything about her.

 

This is where it went wrong. Guilt, desire, conflicting emotions of lust and self-loathing set in. Is it wrong? It feels right. What does it mean to me? What am I doing with my life? I'm a ball of stress. I can't sleep. I email her, and text her. She's so nice to me, responding to my craziness. Perhaps I would have been better off if she had shut me down right away but I believe she is truly a wonderful person and tried to help me as best she could.

 

Deep down, I knew that I was going off the rails. I've only known her for an hour and a few emails and phone calls. This obsession can't be healthy I thought. I should go see someone else. So I did. And it sucked. I mean, it was sex and all but there was no connection of our personalities. I didn't like or care about her. It was mechanical and I couldn't perform to the level that I had learned I was capable of. I felt terrible. A failure as a man once again. Don't get me wrong though. She's a very nice lady who was very professional and good at her job. We just didn't connect.

 

So I went to see L again. She had mentioned she hadn't eaten so this time I brought flowers and some nice bagels to share. And again, it was a wonderful session but afterwards, I got the feeling that she wanted me gone. Maybe she was starting to worry about my attachment. Maybe I was starting to creep her out. So I left her to eat the food I had brought and went back to my growing obsession.

 

But here's where it gets strange. I've always had a lot of female friends. I love talking to women and hanging out with them and suddenly, I stopped thinking about L as an object of sexual desire and more like a little sister. Someone I wanted to help move a sofa or fix her computer. That's it, I swore, I was done with providers. It's not right for me to pay these nice ladies to have sex with me.

 

I wanted to be friends with L, transition from an SP-client relationship to a normal friendship. She was so cool, I just wanted to hang out with her. She rode a motorcycle like me. We had similar tastes in food and entertainment. We both love animals. So I asked her to go for lunch with me some time, to explore it. I'd even pay her social rate. No response. She was still corresponding with me but every time I brought up the subject of meeting in real life, ignored. Eventually, all my emails started dropping into a black hole.

 

I know now that this is a huge no-no. It never happens. Providers don't want to be your friend. Even mentioning is a huge red flag. And I understand why. Guys are creepy and scary. Not all of us but enough of us. And some of us want to try to be your boyfriend. Your pimp. Take advantage. Get some for free. It's ugly and sad but there are a lot of predators out there and women need to use all their senses to protect themselves.

 

Fast-forward to me finally flip-flopping on seeing providers yet again. "Why am I so afraid of this?", I asked myself. I hadn't slept in two weeks. I was a wreck. I need to understand what this is and what it all means to me. So I went to see someone else. I'm going to mention her name here because I think she might have saved my life and put me on the right track. She is, the lovely, the beautiful, the awesome Miss Cleocatra. She's gorgeous but that's not why I chose her. She struck me as smart, professional, savvy, someone who might be able to help figure out why I was so conflicted.

 

We had a great session. It was fun and I think I did alright. Certainly I had a good time and I didn't feel ashamed of myself so that's something right? We didn't have that raw chemistry though. I liked her a lot. She's great fun and easy to talk to but it wasn't love at first sight or anything weird like that. She's wise though. And clever. I really wanted to learn more about her and the industry so I asked if I could book a social hour to ask her a bunch of questions about herself and other things. I suppose I should have just watched her youtube interview but I didn't know about that. ;-)

 

She turned me down. She was polite but firm and wasn't interested in being interviewed or analyzed or talking about her business. We bounced a couple emails back and forth but what came out of it was one fundamental question that I think might change my life.

 

"Why can't I stop over-thinking everything and just enjoy myself? Sex can just be for fun too."

 

Wow. What a revelation. I'm sure it's obvious for most of you here but for a small town guy of conservative religious background with self-esteem issues, it's like a bolt from the blue. Suddenly it all made sense. Why I was clingy and needy. Why girls always dumped me. Why I sucked at relationships.

 

This year has been different. I've started doing things away from my wife. Going to the gym, snowboarding. Doing the things I like to do instead of following her around everywhere. Taking care of myself and my appearance. Maybe she'll be more attracted to me as a strong independent man, maybe she won't. But it doesn't really matter anymore. This is for me. And I feel great. I feel confident and complete and whole in myself. And I owe it to some of the ladies on this site.

 

So what about L? I feel terrible about how this went. Perhaps it meant nothing to her, perhaps I was just another clingy guy that she had to block emails from. Business as usual. But I'm not sure. I'm a good judge of people and I really don't think that what I felt was just because of my situation. I genuinely like her and I don't like a lot of people in this world. I feel like we could truly be friends but I accept that it will never happen. I really wish her the best and I'm so grateful that she helped me through this difficult journey.

 

So maybe some day I'll be out riding and see a cute girl riding by on her sport bike. And I'll give her a wave. And maybe, just maybe, she'll wave back.

[Katrine Cannon 9516]

That was really interesting to read. Happened to me as well that a client and I had feeling for each other. We had to stop seeing each other cause of that. But I totally understand your point. Thanks for sharing :-) xoxoxx

 

Wish you all the best in 2013!

[mister_crufty 4891]

Thanks Katrine. I'm looking forward to meeting you soon.

[Jade-S (Retired) 19717]

I love the way the world works,:) everything good, bad has a lesson, I truly believe that and that things/situations are given to you to help you change grow, evolve.

 

I'd have to say it sounds like you llearned more than one lesson xoxo

[Meg O'Ryan 266444]

Thank you for sharing!

 

Additional Comments:

Thank you for sharing!

[LeeRichards 177238]

Very interesting, honest and a story from deep down inside. Thx for sharing.

 

You know.... we all, everyone, has moments when we feel like we are going off the tracks. Its natural, it hurts, but "most times" someone comes along and knowingly or unknowingly just helps us steer back in the right direction. Glad you found your "someone" to help and good luck !! Onward and upward and life is good :)

[mister_crufty 4891]

Very interesting, honest and a story from deep down inside. Thx for sharing.

 

It's not always easy to put yourself out there but talking or writing about things is sometimes the best way to clarify your thoughts. I didn't write this for anyone else, just for me. But I'm happy if anyone finds it a little bit interesting.

 

As you get older, you transition from feeling like the center of the universe to feeling very small and insignificant. Any time you can share something that someone else finds interesting you can actually feel like a real person instead of just another one of the faceless masses.

 

It's like the 'Little Boxes' song from Weeds. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_2lGkEU4Xs. "We all went to the university and we all came out just the same."

[PhantomKnight 7914]

Very captivating! Honestly couldn't stop reading it.

[mister_crufty 4891]

Thank you very much. Much appreciated.

 

Very captivating! Honestly couldn't stop reading it.

[explorer69 3513]

http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=416333#post416333

Don't feel bad. Everyone falls in love with her at some point. Just read all her reviews.

[mister_crufty 4891]

Ha! Those reviews are what sent more to her in the first place. I should have taken the warnings seriously. She's a whole boatload of special isn't she?

 

:-D

 

http://www.cerb.ca/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=416333#post416333

Don't feel bad. Everyone falls in love with her at some point. Just read all her reviews.